From Arthur to Oliver: Humor One-Shot

Texts sent from Arthur to Oliver, for who knows what:

I told you that slipping a dress into Flavio's closet wasn't a good idea.

Who did you poison this time? Francis? Oh god. Stay in the closet, I'm coming.

Feliciano and high heels? I hope you're prepared to pay the hospital bill. No, I'm not loaning you anything.

Okay, what body parts did you remove from whose body?

No, it is not physically possible to re-attach somebody's spleen.

You are too old for separation anxiety. No, not even for a tarantula.

Okay, I know you aren't at home baking. You're on the news, and I hope you're prepared for the dry-cleaning bill. And put the chainsaw back when you get home.

Allen does not look good in a miniskirt, Oliver. Send me photos, please.

Stop sending me pictures of knives "for comparison purposes"!

Francois called. He said you were measuring him for a noose while he slept. What are you planning?

Oliver, my Netflix "continue watching" is filled with horror movies. Get your own account.

Okay, how far are you away from here and which tree are you stuck in?

Sod Prussia, I think you look fabulous in a skirt.

Texts sent from Oliver to Arthur (completely unrelated):

Um, Artie? How much detergent does it take to get blood out of an...um...pink scarf?

No, I'm not drunk. Gilen, yes, but not me.

No, of course I don't know where the fifty missing flamingos are.

Artie, did you take my pink frosting?

Yes, of course I hid the body. Oops...wrong number. Sorry, Artie~

You can't bribe me with cupcakes this time, Artie. I'm texting Francis the photos of you in a maid dress.

No, I'm not giving you bail money. It's not my fault you decided to get drunk with Francis.

Did you hide my sweater vest? The pink one?

Stop cluttering up my Youtube account with Baking How-Tos! They never work, and last time you nearly burned the kitchen down! Just accept the fact that my cupcakes will always be better!

Are we out of arsenic?

Yes, raspberries are my favorite fruit and my favorite color is pink. How is this relevant to penguins?

I need a new apron. I got blood all over the latest one and it's not coming out. Yes, I used the detergent. In the washing machine? No. To hide the blood on the carpet? Maybe...

Kuro told me that Francis told him that you got pictures of him in a bathing suit. Send them to me!

Just accept it, Artie. Look, you burned the bread, but that doesn't mean that the house catching on fire was relevant in any way!