A/N - A slight change of tone for this instalment...
Never Easy…
Qui-Gon Jinn was known amongst friends and peers to be an exceedingly patient man, force he was the definition of patience. So when said Jedi was pacing across the apartment, force presence swirling with anxiousness, anyone would be able to see clearly that something was wrong, very wrong indeed.
For the hundredth time in a matter of minutes the revered Jedi Master glanced at the chrono and for the hundredth time noted how late it was. Now, being late in the day was not the reason Qui-Gon was pacing up and down the living area debating on his next course of action, the reason was the fact it was so very late and Obi-Wan still had yet to make an appearance.
After 1 hour Qui-Gon had moved from calmly meditating to slightly fidgeting, thinking through all the boy had told him when they had parted ways earlier in the day. Playing over the conversation in his mind to make sure his apprentice had not warned him of other activities which would cause him to be late that evening, finding none Qui-Gon moved from restlessly fidgeting to attempting to communicate with his wayward Padawan through their bond. That had been half an hour ago.
Their connection was still their, albeit clouded and closed off on Obi-Wan's end. It was as if he was subconsciously closing himself off from the world, Qui-Gon certainly hadn't taught him such resilient shielding, Obi-Wan had a knack for surprising him even now. The lack of contact with his Padawan and inability to track down his location through the bond was the main catalyst for Qui-Gon's pacing.
Qui-Gon had of course contacted all of Obi-Wan's known associates, from Bant to Garen to the last teacher that his Padawan had for the day. Not one of them could shine any light to his Padawan's whereabouts, not one had seen him since the end of their last lesson. Qui-Gon was not easily disturbed, Obi-Wan's disappearance was worrying him however. It had not been long since Xanatos had broke into the temple in his quest to murder Master Yoda, since Obi-Wan had almost died at the hands of his rival Bruck Chun. He involuntarily shivered at the thought, feelings over the events being brought back to the forefront of his mind. Could Obi-Wan be in danger now? Qui-Gon shook off the thought as irrational, he would have felt if anything had happened to Obi-Wan, wouldn't he?
Mind made up Qui-Gon ceased his pacing and headed for the door, not before grabbing his cloak with a frivolous use of the force, for one second he thought he heard Obi-Wan's voice admonishing the laziness and smiled sadly. Before he got very far on his quest to appeal for assistance in the loss of Obi-Wan, he doubled over as strikingly strong emotions soared into his mind over their training bond. He had left the link wide open in an attempt to catch any clue to his Padawan's location, so was unprepared when the force of the feelings hit him. His Padawan was very distressed, in pain.
Qui-Gon delved deeper into the bond ignoring the misery and seeking for any scrap of information which would reveal the boy's location, spires, stars, Coruscant's evening traffic. His eyes sprang open and Qui-Gon set off at a brisk jog as he recognised Obi-Wan's location, he was on the roof.
Qui-Gon reached Obi-Wan's position in record time, increasing his speed as the pain traversed across their bond. He was prepared for intruders, for Obi-Wan to be in great danger, he was not prepared for the sight that greeted him. Obi-Wan was laid flat on his back a short distance away, crying.
Qui-Gon felt angered that his Padawan had worried him so much when he was in no danger, felt annoyance at the boy's antics. All of these feelings were abolished moments later however to be replaced by understanding as he felt the turbulence of the force around his young apprentice, the swirling perilous emotions tainting the immediate area. It was in that moment that Qui-Gon understood exactly why Obi-Wan was out here, exactly why the young Jedi was so disturbed. How could I have been so blind?
He exited the window and leapt to the roof top where Obi-Wan was situated, slowly making his way towards the boy whilst projecting his presence. He didn't want Obi-Wan shocked whilst he was this high up and in this state. It only took a few moments for Obi-Wan to recognise he was no longer alone, stiffening slightly as the crunch of Qui-Gon's boots neared his location, unknowing of how much trouble he was in. Qui-Gon sighed, he had no intention of punishing his Padawan over this, he longed only to help.
"Obi-Wan."
"Master." The voice was hoarse from crying, even though he could tell Obi-Wan had been valiantly attempting to keep it steady.
Qui-Gon noted the tear tracks down his Padawan's flushed cheeks as he lowered himself to the gravely surface, laying back to fit side by side next to the boy. Obi-Wan subconsciously moved towards the comfort, emotions threatening to topple him over the edge into oblivion. Thankfully he managed to keep a hold on the tears, not wanting to embarrass himself further.
"Beautiful isn't it?"
Qui-Gon started slightly as Obi-Wan broke the silence, he had been attempting to decipher how to start a conversation himself without blundering directly to the source of the problem, perhaps Obi-Wan had spared him that conundrum.
"What's that Padawan?"
He turned to look at Obi-Wan as he took a while to answer. He caught the faintest flicker of child-like wonder in the boy's eyes as he gazed up at the stars, before they were cruelly engulfed by pain once again.
"Life…"
Obi-Wan was silent after the confession, it would seem that was as much conversation the boy was going to contribute to. The answer confirmed Qui-Gon's theory over what was troubling his Padawan so greatly, now the problem was just how to get to that point without Obi-Wan shutting down.
"What are you doing out here at this time of night?" He decided to keep the tone light, conversational even, dancing around the tragic truth.
"I was just…"
Obi-Wan trailed off as shame overcame him, mistaking the question to be the beginning of a reprimand. He knew full well that he was expected home hours ago, and had probably misunderstood Qui-Gon's worry for anger over having to come and chase him down. Qui-Gon in turn put the dangerous untruths to bed immediately.
"Go on, I'm not angry Padawan. I'm worried…"
Obi-Wan looked guiltily at Qui-Gon eyes meeting for a split second before turning to look back up at the stars, sighing slightly as if he was struggling with how to even start.
"I wanted to see if anything had changed… with the rest of the world at least."
This conversation was long overdue, Qui-Gon knew now he had made a mistake in letting Obi-Wan deal with the burdens for this long, the poor boy didn't know how to deal with it. Qui-Gon knew enough was enough, it was time to get to the route of the problem no matter how much it would pain the both of them.
"This is about Bruck isn't it?"
Obi-Wan's sharp intake of breath informed Qui-Gon he had hit the nail on the head. He observed silently as tears slowly slid down his Padawan's face, the memories of the awful moment flickering to life across their bond.
"You expected the galaxy to be different. Expected something to have changed with the loss of life."
He indicated the surroundings as he spoke, understanding completely why Obi-Wan was contemplating the grave proceedings out in the open, under the stars.
"Yes…" He glanced towards Qui-Gon with tear brimmed eyes, locking the gaze. "But nothing has changed…"
"That's not true Obi-Wan, you have changed."
Obi-Wan's shame bled into the air surrounding the air, puzzlingly it seemed to outweigh even his own pain. The level of guilt Obi-Wan was feeling was striking, Qui-Gon had no inkling his apprentice had been affected so greatly. Lesson learned.
"I'm sorry Master, for not being the Jedi I should be. I shouldn't be weak like this, weeping like a child."
Qui-Gon's heart almost broke at the confession, this was down to him that Obi-Wan thought this way, his fault that the boy doubted himself so much. He shouldn't have left his Padawan alone for so long to deal with this, he should have known better. In Qui-Gon's eyes a child was exactly the word he wished to describe Obi-Wan, too young to deal with death, this was the life of a Jedi however age did not come into it. Qui-Gon regretted that Obi-Wan was no longer a child, regretted the sacrifice's he would have to watch the boy he had grown so close to endure. He choked down a flare of self-loathing and reached his hand towards Obi-Wan's chin, gripping it gently to force his Padawan to look at him.
"Don't ever mistake compassion for weakness Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan's bright tearful eyes met his, brows furrowed in confusion over his Master's words, force still tainted heavily with shame and guilt over his seeming unbecoming emotions.
"Your love for all life, it's what makes you Jedi. It's what makes you Obi-Wan."
He regrettably released his grip on Obi-Wan, resorting to take the boy's Padawan braid in his fingers, twirling the ends slightly. His fingers came to a stop on the latest indicator that had been woven, the taking of a sentient life.
"He was so scared Master." Obi-Wan choked, almost unable to stop the flood of tears threatening to overcome him once more.
Flashes of Bruck's petrified face swam in both of their minds as Obi-Wan remembered the fateful meeting, envisioned his rival's final moments in this world.
"Before he fell… I don't think I will ever forget the look in his eyes." Obi-Wan solemnly promised.
"You don't have to forget Padawan. You only have to accept it."
They were both silent as the implications sunk in, Obi-Wan already making good on Qui-Gon's words and releasing some of the emotions the memory invoked into the force. Some were easier than others to accept, guilt and shame still clinging to the boy above the rest. Qui-Gon knew that would be the case with Obi-Wan's selfless nature.
"Does it ever get any easier?"
The voice was so child-like that Qui-Gon no longer saw a Jedi laid next time, he saw in his place a youngling craving comfort. He wouldn't lie to the boy, he had to accept the hard truths as part of being a Jedi. As moments of Qui-Gon's own actions replayed in his mind, he knew the answer he would give Obi-Wan.
"Never…" The answer was almost a whisper, bordering on being too quiet for either party to hear, laced with such emotion it made even Obi-Wan shiver involuntarily.
"Good. I don't ever want this to feel easy." Obi-Wan replied determinedly, sniffling coming to an end as he released more and more emotions into the force.
Qui-Gon witnessed as Obi-Wan battled with his raging emotions and memories, emerging victorious from the majority. The persistent wind whipped either man's hair and brought a chill to Qui-Gon's skin, Obi-Wan had been out here suffering for hours, the poor boy must be freezing. Of course he would have never given up in his quest just to escape the cold, it was not in his Padawan's nature.
"Are you ready to come back inside young one?"
"Just a few more moments Master."
Qui-Gon remained at Obi-Wan's side until the tears ran their course, until the overwhelming guilt plaguing the boy had been released. A part of Qui-Gon died inside as he was witness to the last moments of Obi-Wan's innocence, the innocence of child hood fleeing so rapidly before his eyes. He selfishly wished to turn back time to when his Padawan was still so young, everything would be different after this, and yet it would be the same. After this night he knew that his Padawan would be changed, going through something like that could only result in change.
Obi-Wan did not simply just release the emotions over Bruck's death and his part in it, he accepted them. By the time the duo had left the rooftop Obi-Wan had overcome his most fearsome enemy, himself.
A/N - Hope you enjoyed that little snippet, I have quite a few ideas for further chapters but alas I am in the middle of exam revision so they will be written and posted A.S.A.P.
Until next time...
