Ch. 8.

I guess it is needless to say I had barely slept.

I watched the sun come up that Sunday morning from a coffee shop at the end of my block.

I was the first one there.

The first one in line to order a coffee black and to only add a splash of cream.

There was a part of me that had an inkling to buy her a coffee and maybe one of those blueberry scones she loved.

A peace offering.

That's if she would take a peace offering.

I hadn't tried to call her yet.

I'm not certain if she's angry with me or horrified.

I think I would rather her be angry.

I had never had a real fight with Olivia.

I mean we had definitely had our moments over work, but it was never personal.

I would say me kissing Olivia on the steps of her apartment, days after her boyfriend left her qualifies as something she may want to argue about.

I would try and call her later.

Maybe she would call me?

I wandered the streets with my coffee.

The streets were getting more crowded as everyone began to wake-up.

I happily dodged dogs on leashes and kids on scooters passing me by.

Walking was keeping me occupied.

It was buying me time before she said nothing or she said everything.

Buying time before I had to admit to myself I was right all along.

That I shouldn't be in love with her and more importantly I couldn't be in love with her.

I kept walking, and made my way in to the park following the path I was given.

I knew she was awake by now.

She had probably been up hours ago.

Maybe she didn't sleep either.

I should call her.

Just call her, get it over with.

I suddenly felt sick.

My thoughts and my coffee were too strong.

What was I going to say when I called her?

Would she even listen?

Would she even answer?

Would she hang up?

Fuck.

I sat down in the grass letting the morning sun burn again my back.

I looked around. I was alone.

How ironic that I was alone.

A city this big, a park that always had bicyclists, and runners, and kids playing…

I was alone.

I pressed my finger against her name on the screen of my phone.

The phone rang.

It rang again and again.

The sound of her voice pierced my ear.

Her voicemail.

I hung up.

I hung up, my phone taking a hard landing in to the soft grass.

Fuck.

She had asked me to brunch. She started it.

I had stayed on my side of town. I had done what I needed to do to stay away from her, to not kiss her.

She had drinks with me, she slept in my bed, she knows how I like my fucking coffee and then she God damned wanted me to take a vacation with her!

I was fine suffering on my own. At least then I knew I wasn't hurting her. I wasn't freaking her the fuck out… and she didn't hate me.

I liked knowing she didn't hate me.

I picked up the phone again and pressed send.

The phone rand and then again…

Her voice.

Her voice went through the mechanical motions, "This is Detective Olivia Benson…" and I prepared to speak.

My throat was dry.

I heard the beep but my brain was on delay…

It was that 2 seconds of uncertainty.

"Liv. Hey, it's me… I'm sorry." I tried to swallow. "Liv I wont keep calling I just, please… I'm just really sorry and I need to know you're ok. I need to know you don't hate me. Ok… ok…. Bye."

It wasn't articulate, eloquent by any means.

I walked home.

Maybe I would go back to bed.

The day was worthless at this point.

Worthless until she called back.

aoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoaoao

I had done just as I had planned.

I got back to my apartment, closed the curtains, striped myself naked and crawled into bed.

And for the second time in the last 8 hours I cried myself to sleep.

I slept.

I obviously had slept for hours because when my phone rang my apartment was pitch dark.

Her.

Oh God it was her!

I jumped up, stumbling through my apartment looking for my phone, following the echoes of each ring.

I looked down – "Unknown Caller."

My heart deflated.

It wasn't her name.

I thought of not answering, I though of throwing my phone across the room and cursing the interruption.

Instead on the last ring I answered.

"Alex Cabot."

"Ms. Alexandra Cabot?"

"This is she." I said impatiently.

"Ms. Cabot this is Nurse Nancy Brooks from at St. Luke's Hospital. I have you as an emergency contact for Detective Olivia Benson."

Oh God.

"What! Yes?"

I was her emergency contact?

"Detective Benson was brought in late this afternoon…"

"Is she ok? What happened?"

I was panicking.

My mind was racing. My heart pounding.

"Ms. Cabot she should be fine. She was knocked out cold on the job, but has since come to. We will be taking her up for an MRI soon. Her partner, Detective Amaro is here with her, but I did have you has her emergency contact..."

"No, no I'll be right there! Thank you for calling me!" I said already making my way by to my bedroom in search of anything that resembled clothing.

I'm sure I was the last person she wanted to see, but right now she was the only person I wanted to see.

Your best friend in the emergency room trumped inappropriately kissing her.