Author's Note: So just a couple of things: First, I thought it would be a good idea to update you on when this chapter takes place within the original story, The Renewal (told from Jackie's perspective). The last chapter from this story (Chapter 7) ended at the same point that Chapter 9 ended in The Renewal (where Jackie and Hyde first kiss that summer while watching The Price is Right.) In this story I skipped the next chapter of The Renewal (Chapter 10), and this chapter (Chapter 8)corresponds with chapters 11 and 12 from The Renewal. Okay...I hope that makes sense.

Also, I want to apologize for all the grammatical errors and typos from the last chapter (Chapter 7). I was editing it late at night and I just wanted to post it so I missed a lot. So I'm sorry if that was distracting.

Another thing: For this chapter, I just kind jumped into the emotional side of Hyde (sue me). I try not to get horribly sappy, but a lot of this chapter is his mind and not actions because I wanted to explore what exactly it is that makes him act the way he does. So I focused on how he does all that he can to not allow himself to be vulnerable to other people, and how that starts to change a little with Jackie and why. So I hope you enjoy.

Finally, I just want to say that this might be my last update for a while. I promise I will finish the story, but sadly, yesterday someone very very close to me passed away, and I really need time to grieve and figure out some things. I only had the very end of this chapter to finish, and I wanted to post it. But that might be it for a while. But I PROMISE that when I'm finally okay again I will be right back here finishing this story. So please enjoy this chapter and thanks for reading.


There were some things that I would never tell Jackie.

I would never tell Jackie that I had actually liked her for a while now. That it had probably started last year when, for some reason, she had picked me. And even though it had bugged the hell out of me then, once she had gone back to Kelso, I had begun to think otherwise. But Kelso was enough reason for me to forget all of it. I was good at that.

I would never tell Jackie that with Kelso out of the equation, it was becoming more difficult not to return her smile when she grinned at me; her knowing smile a secret of its own, as though it were challenging me not to twitch my lips up in response. Or that it was becoming more difficult not to tell her everything when her dark doe eyes met mine, always open and honest.

I would never tell Jackie how much I actually enjoyed spending time with her. How she was my best opponent in basketball. How she shared my bored hatred for The Price is Right. How she sat across from me at the table in the Forman's kitchen during breakfast, lunch, and dinner (1). How she tagged along and helped out at the FotoHut when Leo reopened business.

I was not a man of many words and these were the things I'd never tell Jackie. So instead I would pull her close, kiss her slowly and deeply, and hope that would tell her what my voice never would.

o-o-o

I hadn't asked Jackie for help at the FotoHut. Even if she hadn't come on her own accord, I wouldn't have been able to make myself ask her if she wanted to come. But I wasn't about to kick her out, either. I took a certain guilty pleasure in her joining me, but again, I'd never tell Jackie that.

But the truth was, I enjoyed watching Jackie argue with Leo as she tried to navigate his mess of a head. I got a kick out of Jackie's facial expressions; shock, disbelief, and dry amusement, as Leo shared with her his stories, like the time his dog ate his 'film'. I eagerly anticipated Jackie's pathetic attempts at scolding me through her upturned mouth when she found I had carefully rearranged her meticulously alphabetized photo albums.

I even took guilty satisfaction when none other than Bob Pinciotti rolls up to the window just in time to see me wrap my arm around Jackie's tiny waist and pull her close.

Jackie pulls back right away, and my immediate reaction is to jerk my arm back to my side. "Bob?" I can hear the slight quaver in my voice.

It wasn't until a few seconds later that I felt the smugness settle in.

"I came for the pictures I sent here before Leo disappeared. They're mostly of Donna…" Bob says to me. Then he looks to Jackie. "Hello Jackie," he adds coyly.

I can't stop the deviant grin that creeps up on my face. Bob knew. It made this thing with Jackie more dangerous and risky. It was hot. After a second though, I immediately schooled my face back into neutrality.

"Mr. Pinciotti," Jackie says feebly from behind me, and I have to fight that devilish grin again.

"Hyde…" Bob's voice drifts again, and I just manage handing him his photos while remaining in control. "What are you two…never mind."

Bob hands over some cash, and I hand it back to him and tell him its on me. Because, despite everything, I didn't want him to tell anyone about me and Jackie, and I hoped this would do the trick.

It worked. The last thing Bob says before driving off is, "You know what? I saw nothing."

I turn around again to face Jackie. I don't even try to hide my nefarious grin this time.

"What?" she fights it, but now she is smiling too.

"Come on, that was hot," I concede.

"What?" she repeats. "You're gross, you know that?"

This time I do kiss her, and again with this I hoped she understood the words I wasn't saying.

"Whoa, you're dating loud girl now, Hyde man?" Leo says, clearly having forgotten our conversation from the other day when he had used the word 'denial' that had started all of this.

"Yeah, I am Leo," I say, eagerly snatching that bit of guilty pleasure as well; Jackie being called my girlfriend without subjecting myself to the vulnerability of being the one to say it.

That was another thing I wouldn't tell Jackie. But I could tell right now that that wouldn't last forever; sooner or later that word would be coming out of my mouth, and it would probably be easier than I'd ever care admit.

o-o-o

I would never tell Jackie that every day she surprised me with something new about herself and that it took every ounce of my being to only kiss her and not let the words out of my mouth that would leave me defenseless.

We were leaving the FotoHut one day when Leo pulled me aside after Jackie had stepped out the door.

"Here, Hyde man. I forgot to pay you yesterday," Leo sorted out some cash from the register. Leo was pretty liberal about that machine, but paying me once a week was one thing he had always held firm too. "There's a little extra in there, if you know what I mean," he says, his eyes drifting to the door.

I knew exactly what Leo was insinuating, and I give him a firm nod. "Yeah, man, I know what you mean." I turn to head out but spin back to face him before I walk out the door. "Thank you."

The surprise came when I actually tried to give Jackie the extra cash.

"Leo paid me today," I tell her when we get back to the Forman's. She doesn't catch on right away, so I let out a heavy sigh and spell it out for her. "I'm giving you your portion of the money…"

"What?" she still seems confused.

"Look, don't argue with me. Leo and I both agreed that you deserved some cash for all your help," I grab her arm, but –

Jackie immediately closes her fist. Surprise. Jackie didn't want the money. I fight the urge to kiss her right here in the Forman's driveway.

"And that's just what it was. Help. I just wanted to help," Jackie says earnestly. "Look, I have plenty of money. I don't need anymore. I. Just. Wanted. To. Help."

"Jackie…" I protest.

"And," she smiles wickedly. "You can use that extra cash to buy me something nice," she kisses me quickly before heading down the stairs toward the basement.

"You're a pain in the ass, you know that?" There it was again. I returned her smile.

"It's what I do best," Jackie says haughtily. "Eric?" she says when she opens the door.

I walk in just in time to see Forman roll his eyes at Jackie. "This is my house. Don't act so surprised," he says.

"Forman," I say, relaxing a bit when I notice that he isn't immediately suspicious of Jackie and me arriving here at the same time. "What brings you back to the world of the living?" I sit in my newly-fixed chair.

"Work," he says, stifling a yawn. "Red," he adds as explanation.

"Did he put his foot in your ass?" Jackie smirks.

"Yeah, I bet he's missed doing that, huh Forman?" I tease. "Forman?" I say when he doesn't respond, or acknowledge anything. He stares blindly at the TV. "I'll be back. Make sure Forman doesn't like, fall face first on the ground, or anything," I tell Jackie.

I retrieve my stash from where I hid it in my room then return back to my chair. "Forman needs a Circle."

We light up.

o-o-o

I would never tell Jackie how soft she was making me. How cold my palm now felt when hers wasn't curled up next to it. How the basement was deafeningly quiet when her voice wasn't there to fill the silence. How I selfishly hoped the summer wouldn't end and how the thought of Kelso returning was beginning to churn and grate stones in my gut.

And it made me sick that I even let myself think any of that. I didn't know how I let myself get to this point, but I couldn't go back – didn't want to go back – and that made me sick enough to want to purge and gag those very stones out of my stomach.

You know," Forman says passing the joint to Jackie. "We're over halfway through the summer. Soon Donna will come back for senior year and I can apologize to her profusely and all will be well again."

Jackie's eyes widen nervously as she leans over and hands me the joint. "Um, Eric, you know, maybe things would be better if they didn't go back to the way they were before," Jackie starts.

I puff, unsure of what to say.

"You should be happy, Jackie, Kelso will be back soon too," Forman smiles weakly.

"Are you kidding?" Jackie has the nerve to look offended by his insinuation. "I'm so done with that loser."

The mention of Kelso leads me to take a second puff before handing it off to Forman. "Forman, you need to pull yourself together. Even if Donna and Kelso come back, things won't revert back to the way they were before. You can't go back in time, man."

It was those damn stones in my gut. Even my stuff wasn't strong enough to fight them off. It wasn't that I just stole my friend's chick. Not that Jackie ever belonged to Kelso. And it wasn't just that Jackie deserved better than Kelso. What really got the stones rolling was that I wanted to be the one who deserved Jackie. That this chick was beginning to mean way too much to me.

Forman looks exhausted and empty again. "All I can do is hope, Hyde."

That's all we can ever do, I want to tell him. But I don't.

Forman drags his feet up the stairs – surely to crawl into bed – but no sooner has he shut the door to the kitchen am I'm up on my feet, and before Jackie even has time to say anything, I cup her head between both my hands and kiss her in a way that says I want to be the one to deserve you.

"Please don't worry about Michael," Jackie says when I pull away long enough to sit on the couch and pull her with me. "Okay?" She shifts on my lap so that I'm forced to look at her.

Jackie can't know that I am worried about Kelso. That would mean she knew how I felt about her. And that would mean I was exposed and vulnerable.

So I lie. "I'm not worried about Kelso," I sneer.

"Okay," Jackie frowns slightly and moves herself back to the lawn chair.

I want her to sit with me again. But that would be saying too much.

o-o-o

I would never tell Jackie how blessed I felt when she finally confided in me that her mom had indefinitely disappeared to Mexico. She hadn't cried, and I hadn't hugged her. But I had empathized with her and told her about Edna and she had squeezed my hand for a fleeting moment before standing up and going home for the night.

I would never tell Jackie about the disgust I had felt for this cruel universe when she told me she had issues with her dad too. Lowlife burnouts like me: whatever. But innocent people like Jackie, with bright and promising futures shouldn't be subjected to things like this.

We were eating the sandwiches Mrs. Forman had made us for lunch.

"Thank you for the sandwich Mrs. Forman, I didn't have breakfast this morning," Jackie groveled at the plate of food in front of her.

Mrs. Forman who was sitting between the two of us eating a sandwich of her own glances over at Jackie. "Doesn't your housekeeper make you breakfast, dear?"

"Usually," Jackie says between mouthfuls. "But today is Saturday and Lena gets most the weekends off."

I open my mouth, about ready to ask Jackie where the hell her dad was in all this, but then I remember Mrs. Forman is here and I think better of it.

Its as though my question is actually heard, however, when not a minute later the phone rings and Mrs. Forman quickly moves to answer it. After a moment she motions to Jackie. "Your father," she says.

I watch Jackie carefully as her hands fall limply to her sides and her face pales considerably. Then she stands up and shuffles over to the telephone. "Hello?" she asks softly.

Mrs. Forman slips into the living room to allow Jackie her privacy, and I angle my chair to the wall in attempt to give Jackie the best privacy I can while still being there for her.

I don't turn back around until I hear the phone land in its hook. When I do, I see a slightly puzzled Jackie sitting back down at the table. She rolls her eyes when she sees me looking at her.

"That was my dad at his office. He was just calling to check up on me," she shrugs nonchalantly. But then she frowns slightly. "Which is weird and ridiculous, because he's never cared to call before," she admits staring down at her sandwich.

Yeah, there was definitely something wrong between Jackie and her dad. But his calling seemed like a pretty hopeful sign to me.

"At least he tries, unlike my absent dad," is all I tell her, and I hope she gets it.

She does. She looks up from her sandwich and stares at me for a moment and I can see the realization on her face – that yes, maybe she could salvage her relationship with her father. Then she turns her eyes back down at her sandwich and nods slowly.

I would never tell Jackie about the relief I felt when she finally stopped eating dinners at the Forman's and started working things out with her dad while she still could.

And I would never tell Jackie how, despite that, I missed seeing her face at the Forman's dinner table every night.

o-o-o

I would never tell Jackie about the reoccurring dream I had been having over the summer about the alternate universe where Donna and Kelso never existed. Or how in that dream she and I ended up exactly where we were now. Or how happy I was about that.

"Yeah? Prove it," I challenged Jackie, disbelieving her words that she actually owned a record of 'Something/Anything?'.

I hadn't expected this to end upstairs in her bedroom, however.

The first thing I noticed was all the pink. I felt like I was standing inside a blown piece of bubblegum.

The second thing I notice isn't the Rundgren record that Jackie passes to me, but the comfortable and untroubled expression on her face, despite the fact that we were standing in her bedroom, a place I'd never been.

Did this mean Jackie knew she could trust me? That I wasn't anything like Kelso? I really hoped so.

Focusing back on the present, I send Jackie a warning glance before setting the record on her record player.

And of course because it really is 'Something/Anything?' the song that starts bleeding into the air is 'I Saw the Light.' (2)

"You still don't believe me?" Jackie smirks, crossing her arms.

But I can't respond right away because just hearing the opening chords to 'I Saw the Light' immediately transports me into the recurring dream I kept having. The dream that was more logical then was logical. But yet here I was, alone with Jackie listening to 'I Saw the Light,' the intangible figment of my mind fleshing out into actual reality.

I swallow. "Alright, I concede. You were right," I manage.

"Never thought I'd hear those words," Jackie teases me, walking over to bump me on the shoulder.

But I was still…I was still caught in the song. And I needed to kiss Jackie. But I couldn't do that here, not in her bedroom. I wanted her to trust me.

"Ha ha, now are you going to give me your tire?" I try to change the subject and get us out of here. The real reason we were at her house was so she could change the Camino's tire, I remind myself (3).

"Hmm, its going to cost you," Jackie teases me further, and this suggestion hits me like a brick.

I can't help it anymore. I know I'd stop if she were uncomfortable, but I need to kiss her.

"Two can play at that game," I say before she wraps her arms around my neck and meets me halfway.

We end up on her bed, and Jackie still kisses me eagerly, so I don't pull away.

For a moment, I'm actually in my dream; leaning over Jackie, kissing her with the Rundgren song playing on the radio. But I force myself out of that. The girl I was tangled up with right now was actually Jackie and 'I Saw the Light' was actually playing on her record player.

When the hem of Jackie's shirt slips up over my hand, I immediately move my hand and weave it through her hair instead. There was no way I was going to even incidentally pressure Jackie.

The next time it happens though, her tiny hand circles my wrist, holding it in place. I pull my face away from hers momentarily and meet her eyes. Wide-eyed but confident, Jackie nods her head softly and pulls me closer, drawing my hand up her back.

My fingers trip over her bra strap, but I immediately flatten my palm against her back. There were certain boundaries I would refuse to cross right now with Jackie; I didn't want to jeopardize her faith and trust in me.

After a moment, however I feel her whole body begin to tremble slightly. "Jackie," I say her name against her lips. Her tremors continue. "Jackie," I brush my lips with hers once more before pulling my face away from hers again. "We're not going to do anything, okay? Nothing you don't want."

Before she says anything, I slip my one hand out from underneath her shirt and hug her shoulders, on the outside of her blouse, with both my hands instead, hugging her close.

Still trembling, Jackie hooks one of her legs behind mine and then shakily uses both of her hands to remove my shades from over my eyes. Her eyes then meet my now unveiled gaze. I fight the urge to break eye contact, because I know that without my aviators I couldn't hide anything.

But I hold her steady gaze and hug her close, even long after she has stopped trembling.

o-o-o

I would never tell Jackie about the first time a certain word carved itself into the back of my mind while her smiling face filled my vision. Or how, despite the fact that it was just another word, it scared the hell out of me, so I pushed it far back into my mind until I could no longer comprehend or fathom what it was or what it meant.

It was that same freaking day and Jackie was covered in grease waving a wrench around as she chattered on and on as she finished changing the Camino's tire.

"I love changing tires. In fact, I love all things related to cars. I helped Red with his Toyota once," she points out.

"Yeah, I remember," I can't help but say. For some reason I was still listening to her.

Jackie leans over the old tire before turning back to face me. "Wait a minute. What do you mean you remember?"

"I was there," I admit, as straight-faced as possible. Jackie doesn't say anything so I begrudgingly continue. Why did I ever open my mouth? "I was talking to Red about Edna. I thought we were alone, but then you popped out from under his car. It was freaky. You were the last one I'd suspect to come rolling out from underneath a car all full of grease."

"I remember that," Jackie has the audacity to laugh. "The expression on your face when you saw me…that was funny."

"Well, like I said. You are so annoyingly girly," I mock her right back.

"You did not say that," she points at me. "And see you're wrong. I like cars too."

"Okay, whatever," I've had enough of this conversation and Jackie was just sitting there in front of the tire, doing nothing about it. "If you don't fix it, I will."

"Fine," Jackie snivels. "Mr. I Don't Understand How People Can Live Outside of their Stereotype."

"Alright, enough of that," I say, feeling a small bit of remorse. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"I wasn't all that bothered by it," Jackie doesn't respond until the tire is changed. She grabs a rag and wipes her hands. "After all, you really don't know how to live past your stereotype."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask her, warningly.

This is where Jackie's typical futile and meaningless banter switched into something a lot more evocative and profound. And although afterwards I could tell she felt bad about saying what she did, like she had insulted me, which she really hadn't, right now all I could do was stand there numbly as my mind battled to destroy the unwelcome arrival of a certain word.

"I don't know," Jackie throws her hands up. "Just that you've got the whole burnout thing down to a science. The sunglasses, the stash, the government conspiracies…" she pauses as she puts some of the tools away. "And see, you thought I was only that pathetic cheerleader who was naïve and innocent. But as you now see, I also have family problems. I can fix a freaking car all by myself. And my best friend and boyfriend ditched me, so I had no friends, at least not for a while," she smiles with the last part.

I already knew all this. Or at least, I was beginning to. My mind kept battling that stupid word.

"Do you remember when you called me a square?" Jackie opens the passenger door. "And then, after I tried to show you I wasn't, that same night you asked me if I wanted to suddenly become a burnout?" She pauses and climbs inside.

I know she is talking about that time she bought some weed from her housekeeper.

She waits for me to take my seat behind the wheel before continuing. Still, I don't say anything. "You see, I figured it out then. All that you could see and understand in this world was those stereotypes. People fit one category only and it's impossible to be multi-faceted. I figured it out because you put me in one stereotype, and when I did one small thing that didn't match that label, you thought I wanted to change myself completely. But that's where you're wrong. People can be multiple things. It's not all black and white. There's gray, and there's color.

"And that's what made me realize, although it took a while, the difference between you and me. Now, I may have gotten stuck with the annoying and demeaning 'cheerleader' stereotype while you had the cool, brooding 'burnout' one. But I was better off than you because I knew that those labels are nothing of substance, while you lived true to yours completely. I may have had the bad stereotype, but unlike you, at least I wasn't held down to it. So in reality, who was the square?"

I still don't say anything. If I did, it would be a certain word; the last word Jackie would expect to come out of my mouth.

Because my mind was rapidly losing that battle.

o-o-o

I would never tell Jackie that the reason I would never tell her all these things was because I was afraid. People had the tendency to give up on me and then disappear from my life, so over the years I had developed a foolproof plan to make sure I wasn't left vulnerable and defenseless when that happened. It was simple:

Don't open up to anyone.

And Jackie was making that a lot more difficult. But suddenly I wasn't alone anymore; and my armor was being torn to shambles because it was so nice to finally not be alone anymore.

I would never tell Jackie that I finally had something worth fighting for: her. And because of that I had no choice but to lay my broken armor down and let myself be vulnerable to her. I would never tell her that the reason I was afraid was because I didn't want her to disappear from my life. Especially once opening up to her.

And I would never tell Jackie that this summer would always be worth all the certain grief and sorrow that would result if she ever did disappear.

I was not a man of many words and these were the things I'd never tell Jackie. So instead I would pull her close, kiss her slowly and deeply, and hope that would tell her what my voice never would.

o-o-o-o-o

Footnotes:

1 – At this point, Jackie is eating almost all her meals at the Forman's.

2 – Okay, if you don't know 'I Saw the Light' by Rundgren, I highly recommend listening to it, or at least reading the lyrics because they make me think of Jackie and Hyde, and sigh…just look up the lyrics. You won't regret it.

3 – If you have not read the original, fully-detailed version of this story from Jackie's POV, then you probably don't really know what's going on here. Jackie and Hyde were on their way back to the Forman's from the FotoHut in Hyde's Camino. They are arguing about Rundgren's music when suddenly they get a flat tire. But fortunately, Jackie's house is the next street over, so they end up there, where Jackie proves to Hyde that she does in fact have a Rundgren record before she changes the tire.