Oh, my … Finally I have another update for this story, too. It took me long enough and I hope that you guys will like it. Don't worry, this won't be the final chapter, there are more to come.
And as always, you are welcome to tell me what you think.
Enjoy,
T73.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm still half asleep when I feel a nibbling and kissing at my neck and my heart's jumping full of anticipation, but my brain doesn't even need a millisecond to know what's happening and my eyes shoot open. I blink a few times to get them used to the dawn and then I glance into seductive hazel eyes. I can say with 100% certainty that Maura knows exactly what she's doing and that she doesn't only want to with me a good morning with this right now. I can clearly see that she has ambiguous thoughts. I can't hide a grin and stretch my arms over my head, saying with a sigh, "Morning."
Maura grins mischievously and starts to kiss my neck all over again. "Good morning," she whispers against my skin and I hum even though I tell myself that this is not a good idea at all. Well, my brain is telling me that, my body's saying something else.
I take a deep breath and tug my chin in. "No," I breathe and I can feel my body beginning to protest because of that and can literally see in my inner eye how my brain gives me a thumbs up. Stupid brain!
She stops abruptly and looks at me amused. Maura isn't an idiot, she knows the signs all too well. And if I were a man then I would've put myself into trouble because I would quite obviously contradict myself. "Excuse me?"
I take another deep breath and hold her piercing gaze before I roll her on her back and pin her hands with a firm grip over her head and growl low, "I said no."
That's when it happens, the mood is shifting. Instead of seeing amusement in Maura's eyes I see sheer fear and I loosen my grip immediately. I'm surprised that her body stiffened all of a sudden and I have to swallow hard. I know Maura better than anyone, but I also know that she hasn't told me everything about herself although she knows very well that she can trust me. For example, she never told me that she was married once. I was amused by this fact then just like anyone else and I didn't take it personally because Maura though she was a divorced woman back then. Well, she was wrong. But she usually confides the really important to me. But apparently, I was wrong about that. It seems like she doesn't trust me as much as I was hoping. Oh, god, I hate that frightened look on her face and I wish I could wipe it off forever.
I know I should tell her that that damn growling was just meant to be playful, that I could never hurt her physically or emotionally. That I'd rather die before I hurt her or before I would ever let anyone hurt her again.
Instead, I place my ear right over her heart and listen to its beating. I hear it slowing down and close my eyes as I feel her hands on my back. I inhale her scent and know exactly that at this moment any words are superfluous.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
After waking up the second time this morning, I was alone in the bedroom and panic gripped me instantly. The thought that maybe once again I went too far came to my mind immediately and I would have liked to slap myself this moment. It wouldn't be the first time Maura would have left the house hastily after something too emotional had happened and that would of course be a step backwards for our … relationship. And to be honest, I don't know if I'd go through the same thing again and again. Of course, this failure would be my fault and I could never forgive myself but Maura know exactly that this time it is all or nothing.
I prepare myself to find the kitchen empty and a short note on the kitchen island that says that she urgently needed to go to the office and that I don't have to wait for her. I grit my teeth and curse myself. You can believe that I'm all the more surprised when I round the corner and find the good doctor standing at the counter. She looks at me and smiles timidly.
I say nothing and walk carefully around her not to frighten her again and take a coffee cup out of the cupboard to give me my first morning dose of caffeine. I know I should stay away from her right now, but my damn brain commands my body to stand right behind Maura and gently touch her arms. I hold my breath as I do so and am more than relieved as she leans into me and that she doesn't shy away.
I run my hands up and down on her arms and have the feeling that this is exactly what she needs right now. That someone stands by her no matter what she says or does, and not someone who buzzes off at the first opportunity just because they don't like her quirks.
I know that she hadn't had an easy childhood and that her adoptive mother was only really interested in her as a human being after I had given it to Constance straight. And then Maura's life was turned upside down again when she had found her biological mother and was more or less forced to work with Hope. Not to mention the relationship with her father, by that I mean both fathers, Paddy and Arthur.
Any other person would have broken under such circumstances and might have went downhill. Might gave got addicted to drugs and alcohol. Would sell themselves or commit crimes for the next shot. But Maura has come out of all these things stronger. Sometimes she can seem very distant and chilly but I have learned that this is self-protection.
Everybody has one. When I get loud and obnoxious it's nothing more than my self-protection to disguise the fact that sometimes I'm not as self-confident as I pretend to be. I'm well aware of what I'm capable of, my solve rate speaks volumes. Hardly anyone can fool me in my job. But when it comes to my love life, I am sometimes just as bad as a teenager who has a real crush for the first time.
I take a deep breath and kiss Maura tenderly on the neck. I know that this touch is more than welcome because she tilts her head to the side and smiles. "Maura -"
"I know," she interrupts me and I frown a little.
How does she know what I was gonna say? Maybe I wanted to say that it's better if we just stay friends. Maybe I wanted to say that I urgently need to use the bathroom or that I was called to work. Maybe I wanted to tell her that I'm going to take her on this counter here and now and that I don't give a shit if my mother barges in that moment. But to be honest, I only have one thought all morning. I wonder why she was so scared when I suddenly cut up rough a little. I have to say that she's not shy when it comes to sex. I can't list how many times I had to hid a hickey or two before I went to work or how often I had scratches on my back. And how many times I had to tell my colleagues to shut up because I was bleary-eyed. "I didn't mean to scare you earlier."
She nods against my shoulder but doesn't look at me. "I know."
Since the incident I have imagined hundreds of scenarios and I don't even want to think of the worst. It's not that I don't know that there are men who abuse their partners in every possible way, it would be naïve to say that there are no such incidents and I've been a part of the law enforcement for too long to deny abuse. But I can't and above all I don't want to imagine that Maura once got involved with such a bastard.
"Is there something you wanna tell me?"
Maura turns around in my arms to look me directly in the eye and shakes her head with a faint smile. "Not at the moment, no."
I can see she's not telling me the truth and my frown is deepening. There is a reason why I became a detective. I see immediately if someone tries to hide something from me and in such moments, I am not necessarily known to let go. I tend to immerse myself then until I've dragged the truth to the surface or a confession. "Maura -"
She licks her lips and closes her eyes for a brief moment. "I don't want to talk about it now, Jane."
Other people would settle for such an answer and let it go, but I am not like other people. Like I said, there's a reason why I became a detective. And on top of that I am a hot-blooded Italian who isn't satisfied with half-hearted statements. "Will there ever be a time when you'll tell me what's actually going on with you?"
"What do you mean?"
I'm quiet for a moment and wish I could keep my mouth shut every now and then because I know that this conversation will end in a fight at best. I sigh heavily and move away from Maura to gain some time to choose my words wisely. "I mean, I'm not some random stranger you've only known for a short time and you know that you know that you can trust me, Maura. You know I'll always be there for you no matter how delicate the things you tell me are. You know I'd never judge you for something you've done in your past. You know very well that it's also important to me to know things that have come back to you in order to understand you better."
Maura looks at me and blinks a few times as if I have just spoken a foreign language that she doesn't speak and tries to decipher the meaning of my words. "So you're trying to trying to tell me in a roundabout way that you aren't understanding me?"
Damn it. Apparently I am not as good in choosing words wisely as I always thought, but somehow I have the feeling that right now this is just another excuse for Maura to avoid an unpleasant situation, to withdraw herself emotionally, to avoid something from her past that has creeped up to the surface. I furrow my brows and keep my jaw from hitting the floor. "You know exactly what I mean, Maura."
"Do I?"
I close my eyes for a moment and take a deep so my upcoming frustration doesn't get the best of me. Okay, let's be real. "Why are you trying to push me away again, Maura?"
She's placing her hands on the counter to brace herself and her eyes are closed. Because there are still things in my life I'm not willed to share with you?"
I ask teeth-gnashingly. "Why? Have you been -" I can't bring myself to ask the question.
Her eyes snap open and she furrow her brows. "Raped?" She shakes her head and I exhale quietly. I didn't know that I was holding my breath. "No, but that doesn't mean that this experience wasn't as bad."
"Tell me what happened, please."
"No."
"Why?"
She scoffs and I have to resist the urge to take a step backwards when I catch her glazing eyes. "Because then, like every time I think about it, I think that I was a fool, that's why."
"You can tell me, I won't judge you." I press even though I know better than do so. I am not even sure why I'm doing this. "Maura, it's me. You can trust me."
Something's shifting again and her face gets hard. "You can't just drop it, can you?"
I frown deeply and try to keep my voice calm. "I just -"
She stops me by raising her hand and I furls my brows. "Just leave, please."
Here we go again. I knew that she needs an excuse to get of me. I clench my fists and also my jaw, growling. "You don't mean that right now. Last night I made a fool of myself and poured my heart out while you were asleep, or when I thought you were asleep. I told you that I love you and that there's nothing in the world that could change that. And now you're kicking me out just because I want to know a little more about your past because I feel it's holding you back?"
She's holding my gaze and swallows hard. "I just … I need some time for myself."
I raise my hands to show her that I surrender and smile humorlessly. "Okay, I'm done. I'm sick and tired of dragging it all out of you. "I say calmly and I see Maura's lower lip starting to tremble. "I'm leaving, you'll get all the time in the world to think and to throw yourself head over heels into new affairs. I give up as soon as I walk out of that door and I won't hear you whining when your relationships fail."
"Jane -"
I grab my keys from the bowl and open the front door. "We're done, Maura. We are so done." I state and leave the house, and this time I mean it. Last night was too good to be true and deep down in my heart I knew that Maura would find another escape again. But this time I am really sick and tired of it, even if it tears my heart apart. I know that I will get over this sometime, but I don't know when and with whom. And I don't know if I am willing to sacrifice myself for that person as I was for Maura but at some point even I have to draw the line.
