A/N:

Song in Chapter Title: "Little Lion Man" ~ Mumford and Sons

Notes:

I haven't updated since March. I didn't think anyone cared.

Apparently, someone did.

I am dedicating this to BloodatDusk on DA for being awesome and taking the time to track me down and ask what's up with this. I give you much love, much much love.

I missed BMI, I missed writing it and re-reading it and re-writing it. I had to do quite a bit of re-writing in this chapter, I had written an entire page and it turned out to be going in an entirely wrong direction. Ah well, writing is what it is, and now it feels much more on base.

I really do hope you all enjoy it. If you have the moment, drop a review. I'd really appreciate it very much.

We're getting into interesting territory here in the story. There are more developments, and more questions. Can you start connecting any dots yet? We'll get part of our answers in the next chapter, but more will have to wait for others. The hardest part of this road trip still lies ahead.

R&R and I will love you forever it counts because I believe in polyamory.


Title: Baptize Me In

Author: theZoshi
Rating: Ranging, mostly PG-PG13

Category: South Park

Genre: Angst/eventual tragedy

May contain: Shounen-Ai/Boy Love, Violence, Adult Situations, Swearing


I got back to the motel a little past seven. Locking up the Civic I headed up the stairs and made my way to the room. Hesitating at the door, unable to turn the knob, I bit my lip and tried not to let the fact that I'd been a total asshole earlier that day weigh me down too much. It wasn't really working. I should've been pushing it all in the back of my mind, I should've been moving past, putting on a happy face, acting like it had all blown over, but I wasn't. I wasn't.

I unlocked the door and went inside, pulling it shut behind me. Kyle and Red were sitting on the beds, eating out of take out containers and watching something on the room's TV. They both looked over at me as I stood in front of the door, expectant. I didn't like the feeling of their eyes on me, and avoided meeting gazes with either one of them, turning instead to kick my shoes off and shove them over by the wall. Turning back I found Kyle facing the TV again and Red looking into the container he was holding, digging through whatever was inside it with a fork. For a moment I didn't know where to go; both of them were sitting in the middle of each of the beds, which left only the chair by the desk at the far side of the room. I wavered, uncertain, then noticed Red slide over, making room on the bed. His bangs had fallen over his eyes and I couldn't tell if he was still looking into the takeout container or looking at me.

Feeling horribly self-conscious I walked over and slid onto the bed myself, sitting on it awkwardly. Red flicked his bangs back, turned his head to look at me out of the corner of his eye.

"I got you some Mongolian beef," He said, eyeing me. I couldn't read his expression but his voice sounded fine. I swallowed thickly and ran my palms down against my jeans.

"I'm not hungry," I answered, and he turned his head to face me better.

"You really should eat something," He said, voice low. Concerned. Were we fine now, then? I looked at the TV without registering what was playing. I should eat something, maybe, but the thought of Chinese food was making my stomach churn.

"It's cool, thanks though," I said, turning back to Red, but he wasn't looking at me anymore. Turning his gaze back onto the takeout container, he swirled something around with his fork and didn't respond. I glanced over at Kyle. He was sitting cross legged on his bed, looking a bit uncomfortable and focusing on the TV a bit too much. After a long moment, his gaze shifted sideways, his eyes met mine. They were darkened, troubled. He looked like he wanted to say something but couldn't get it out, but that was fine. I knew what he was going to ask.

"I talked to Kenny," I said, and even with the TV on my voice seemed too loud in the room. The tension was thick, it was stifling. I looked down at my hands, noting a hole starting in the knee of my pants, just a tiny spot of wear. Time for a new pair. The bed moved, Red was shifting on it but I couldn't tell if he was moving closer to me or further away.

"W-what did he s-say?" Kyle's voice wavered only slightly, and I looked back to find him looking at me curiously, sharply, like he was trying to pull the conversation out of my head through mind powers. I thought for a moment, tried to think of how to best answer that question. It didn't take long for me to realize there was no best answer to that question.

"He doesn't want to come back," I said softly, looking at Kyle to catch his reaction. His eyes dropped, his gaze turned to something that wasn't there. I thought I saw his hands shake around the takeout container, but then he was repositioning himself on the bed, leaning back against the wall behind him and stretching his legs out in front of him. His eyes had narrowed, turned to the wall behind the TV, and while he was trying to strike a relaxed pose it wasn't fooling anyone.

"F-f-figured that," He muttered, takeout container sitting loosely in his hands, forgotten. I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

"I gave him my number, told him to call…" I said, wondering if I should mention what else I'd told the blonde. Better not, better not to and not get everyone's hopes up. "He works on a fishing boat. Sounds like he likes it."

Kyle nodded wordlessly, the fierce look on his face softening. Watching him, I realized suddenly that he wasn't the same person he was two years ago. He wasn't the same person he'd been for so long. He looked cast down, but he didn't look lost. He didn't look confused. I bit my lip and envied him, when had he found the time to grow up? And why hadn't I noticed? I wasn't paying as much attention to things as I should've been, and it was becoming more and more obvious I needed to make a change before things really got out of control. Everyone's changed, I realized. Red shifted on the bed again, moving closer so that our shoulders touched, and I could feel his warmth and his presence and I thought that this was all going wrong, this wasn't how he was supposed to be acting on a day like today but maybe that was just my skewed vision of how things used to be and how I expected them to continue being. Everyone's growing up except me, I'm still stuck in sophomore year, still stumbling down that leaf-strewn path and walking and walking but I can't get away.

I bit my lip, stared down hard at the hole starting in my jeans. The guilt, gone so long, came back, heavy and congealed, flooding my head and coating my tongue. I took a shuddering breath, wiped my trembling hands against my jeans. This wasn't the moment, this wasn't the time, I had to focus on the here and the now and push that aside for just a little longer. Just a little longer.

"I'm g-gonna take a w-w-walk," Kyle said, speaking softly. I nodded, unable to look up or say a word, and saw him walk across the room and out the door at the edges of my vision. The TV buzzed words and sounds for a while, but how long I couldn't tell. I was trying to keep my mind stable, trying to keep my thoughts from wandering to those dark corners of my mind.

"Did something happen?"

I jolted at Red's words, surprised to hear them come from so close. I forgot he was there, forgot where I was. I looked at him, and really looked at him. Black bangs falling over one eye, roots growing in a coppery auburn at his hairline. He could never keep up with them. His eyes were on me, dark and reflective. I wondered a lot about why he'd taken on the mask, why he was so good at keeping himself locked away. The façade cracked sometimes, though, like right then, when he leaned closer to me, his fingers touching my hand, his eyes open and honestly concerned. I resisted the urge to throw my arms around him, pull him close and breathe him in, bury myself in him and just let go.

I resisted the urge, but for all the wrong reasons. I was feeling detached from him, distant, cold. I couldn't bring myself to close the distance, to bridge that gap from that morning (was it only from that morning?). This was wrong, he shouldn't be offering to comfort me, I shouldn't be acting like I had nothing to be sorry about. There was too much guilt in me, and I was finally starting to see which guilt was real and which wasn't. When you start mixing the past with the present so bad that you can't figure out what was happening or happened, that's when you know you have a problem. Denial hadn't helped with my drinking and it wasn't helping now, and I was just starting to realize that I had exchanged one debilitating addiction for another.

It was disgusting. I was disgusting.

I couldn't lean into him, I couldn't hide with him anymore. My thoughts moved in slow-motion, realization lit up point after point, dots connected and the justifications for everything I'd been doing up to this point broke down, bit by bit.

"Stan?" Red shifted slightly, and I realized I had been staring at him for a while. I looked away, at the wall, at the TV. I wasn't feeling good suddenly, my hands felt clammy and my head felt heavy.

"I… I gotta go…" I pushed up off the bed, walking away towards the bathroom. I heard Red moving behind me as I opened the door and stumbled inside. My knees felt shaky, I felt weak. My stomach roiled painfully, and I nearly fell to as I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet. I hadn't eaten since that morning, there was nothing to bring up but my stomach tried anyway. The bile burned my throat and I gagged on the bitter taste. Could I consider this my penance? A payment in part on the life I'd been choosing to live?

I wanted to be good, I wanted someone to be proud of me, but on my terms. Always on my terms. I'd show them what they needed to see to make them believe what I wanted them to believe, and hide the rest. Sweep it under the carpet, shove it in a corner, dig a hole and bury it in the back of my mind. Maybe I should be grateful to have realized it so soon, realized how much of a failure I was. A failure at being a good son, a failure at being a good friend. A failure at being a good boyfriend.

"Stan, calm down," Red's voice was toned soothing, but it tore through me. I shuddered and gagged, trying to control my heaving. He placed a hand on my back, his touch cool. "Please, calm down."

I couldn't take it. I shrugged out from under his hand, pulled away from him and managed to keep my mouth closed and my stomach relatively still.

"Stan, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said… what I said earlier, it was completely out of place…"

He was being apologetic, his hand was still reaching towards me. I wanted to touch him, to grab him, to make him hold me until my stupid nerves and my stupid stomach and my stupid everything calmed the fuck down and everything was normal again.

"Shut up. Shut. UP." I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth, whimpering slightly as my stomach tried to revolt again. "Why are you always apologizing? What are you apologizing for?"

Red paused at that, his eyes widening just slightly as his hand lowered a bit. He shouldn't be apologizing and he knew it, and after a moment he dropped his hand to his knee and he gave me a long look, a guarded shielded look that I couldn't place. Something was happening here, something that wouldn't have happened without this catalyst of a road trip.

I stood up shakily, ran the tap and tried to rinse the bitter taste from my mouth. Even clean water was enough to make me gag again, my stomach heave. I clamped my mouth shut and leaned low over the sink, closing my eyes as I tried to fight down the nausea.

"Just calm down, Stan. You know it won't stop unless you do," Red said, exasperated, from where he was still crouched on the floor. Exasperated. There was a tone rarely heard. I tried to tell myself to breathe evenly, to not choke on that ragged feeling in my throat. The air in the bathroom felt tense, nervous. I opened my eyes and watched the water run from the tap, trying not to think, no, trying to think of what to say without thinking about what I didn't want to think about. Red stood up finally, reaching past me to turn the off the faucet. I kept my gaze down, unable to look at him. I didn't want to see the look on his face right now.

The silence was broken by the sudden vibe of my cell phone. I wiped my hands on a nearby towel and reached into my pocket to pull my phone out of my pocket, Red brushing past me as I turned the display on.

KB

txt: 7:45pm

stan outside now plz

Kyle? What the hell? I frowned, putting the phone back into my pocket, and left the bathroom. I felt utterly and totally crappy. Whatever. If Kyle wanted me outside, then… I guessed there was a good reason. Red was slouching back on one of the beds, paging through a book. He didn't look up as I got my shoes on or grabbed my jacket.

"Kyle's outside, asked me to come out there," I said, walking over to the door.

"Why?" Red asked distractedly. I shrugged, and opened the door. I heard raised voices as soon as I stepped out, but that wasn't what caught my attention.

Directly in front of our door in the parking lot stood a cop car, red and blue lights flashing. My gut clenched; I hurried to the staircase and took the steps down two at a time. The cop car was in the middle of the parking lot. A very old, very angry lady was standing to one side with a young female cop, arguing loudly and pointing towards the sidewalk, where Kyle was standing with an older male cop, looking mildly worried.

"That man took my purse! He took it! Well, I… I don't have it on me, do I? Because he took it and hid it somewhere and won't tell me where it is," The old lady's voice screeched through the air as the female cop tried to calm her down. I noticed a few people who were walking by stop to look what was going on. I swallowed thickly, ignoring the burning in my throat, and hurried over to where Kyle was standing with the other cop.

"What's going on?" I asked when I came up, and the cop turned to look at me. "I'm a friend of Kyle's."

"L-lady just s-s-started going whacko," Kyle muttered. The cop raised an eyebrow as he looked over a the old lady, then looked back at us.

"Look, we know this lady. She has… problems." The cop said, his voice low. I guessed he didn't want anyone to overhear. Or maybe he didn't want the old lady to overhear, as she had stalked her way closer to us across the parking lot, the female cop trying to get her to stop and listen to her. He paused to look at her for a moment, then continued. "Since we've been called out, we'll have to run your id, but we'll just tell her that we'll be looking into the matter, and she'll forget all about it by tomorrow."

The cop looked down at his hand, and I saw with a shock he already had Kyle's ID. I looked over at the redhead, and he gave me a helpless look.

"From Colorado, hm? How long're you staying?" The cop asked amiably, looking back at us.

"N-not long," Kyle replied, not meeting the cop's eye. The cop looked like he was waiting for more, but neither of us spoke.

"All right, I'll be right back then, just wait here," The cop said, turning around and heading towards the cop cruiser. I watched him for a moment, then looked at Kyle. He'd crossed his arms, holding his left arm tight to his body. He wouldn't meet my eye, focusing his gaze somewhere on the sidewalk in front of him. I looked back at the cop. He was almost at the car.

I didn't really think then; if I did, I wouldn't have moved. Cops say you wait, you wait. I couldn't. I hurried over after him, passing Red as he stepped off the stairs. He gave me a questioning look.

"Later," I said quickly, rushing up the last few steps to get to the officer just as he got into his car. "Sir, can I talk to you really quick?"

"You're not going to tell me your friend's confessing to stealing a non-existant purse, are you?" The officer chuckled, looking over Kyle's ID. He was a friendly guy, apparently. I ran a hand through my hair and wondered what the hell I was doing.

"It's just… can you… can you maybe not run his ID?" I asked quietly. The cop, having started to put the numbers into his little computer pad, stopped and looked over at me.

"Its protocol, son. This is one thing we're not able to just not do." He looked suspicious now. I bit my lip and spared a glance back towards the sidewalk. I could see Red asking Kyle something, Kyle shrugging in answer. I looked back at the cop and watched as he put the numbers in. Seconds later the screen lit up with information.

I looked away, the piercing voice of the old lady still ringing in the background. My knees felt shaky; I wanted to lean against the cop car, but that was taboo wasn't it?

"Hm," The cop said after a moment, and I looked over at him. I wasn't sure if I wanted to see his expression.

"What were you doing in Oregon?" He asked, still looking at the screen. His tone was serious and his face unreadable.

"We were looking for an old friend of ours," I said, coughed, my throat dry.

"How long had you planned on staying?" He asked, leaning a bit out of the car to look at me.

"We were going to leave tomorrow, Kyle has to be back by Saturday." I said. For a moment he didn't say anything, just gave me a piercing look.

"Did you find them?" He asked, and I must have looked confused because he clarified. "That friend of yours."

"Oh, uh… Yeah. We did." I answered, my voice a little hoarse. He gave me a long look.

"According to protocol, I need to write up a report on this matter," He said, his voice dropping low again. "Do you know what's going to happen then?"

"Y… yeah…" I answered quietly. Oh god, oh god oh god oh god. The churning in my stomach was back. This stupid trip was giving me ulcers, I was dead certain about that. I swallowed thickly, trying not to cough.

"So why am I not going to fill out a report?"

For a second I couldn't understand what he was saying to me.

"W…what?" The idea seemed so foreign I didn't know how to wrap my head around it.

"Why am I not going to fill out a report about this incident right here, even though I should?" The cop looked at me expectantly.

"I… look, he's not a bad guy, at all. I know he looks like he's easy to piss of but he's a really good guy, h wouldn't be stealing anyone's purses, he'd… he'd be the guy looking for the purse and kicking the ass of the guy who stole it," I tried to focus my thoughts. Fuck. Fuck. "He's not even supposed to be here, I mean, no one even knows he's not in Colorado right now. No one."

"You two best friends?" The cop asked suddenly. I nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah, since we were kids," I said.

"Hm," The cop looked away from me and towards the sidewalk. "Where's your car?"

"Over there, the Civic," I looked for it and pointed towards it. When I turned back the cop was looking straight at me.

"Your friend's going to owe you," The cop said, reaching over and tapping a button on the computer to clear the screen before continuing, "This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to give you your friend's ID. I am going to tell that lady that everything is taking care of. I am going to take my partner and we are going to leave this parking lot, and I am currently not going to put in a report on anything that happened here."

I couldn't do anything more than stare at him. Dumbly, definitely. I wasn't sure I was hearing what I was hearing.

"We're going to drive back around here in an hour, and if we see your car still here, that report goes through." He finished. "Do you understand?"

"Y-yes, yes sir." I fumbled with my words, and took Kyle's ID card from him as he offered it to me. "Thank you."

He waved my thanks away and motioned for me to get going. I hurried back to where Kyle and Red were standing, wondering how in hell we got so lucky. I was ready to grab all our stuff and dump in the car and get out of there. It was good to have something to focus on other than all the crap that was crowding my head, especially something that needed action. Action kept me busy, action kept me from stressing out, action kept my stupid stomach in check.

I neared Kyle and Red with every intention of throwing Kyle's ID at him and running upstairs to get our stuff, but I realized something was off; both of them were looking across the parking lot towards where the crowd of people had been gathering. Turning, I saw the crowd thinning. Most people had started to move away now that the cops had turned off their lights and gotten the old lady to calm down and leave.

Most had.

A certain, familiar blond, however, hadn't.