I am back.

I decided to skip a lot (straight to the incident when the Konoha-nin meet Sasuke), and to cheer you all up for putting this fic on hiatus, I wrote a three or four page long Omake. What's it on, you'll see.

By the way, the preview I showed...well, I modified some of the quotes, so don't be too surprised if you don't see them.

The great weapons thing. Naruto has retractable claws in his gloves. They're not like on each finger, I sort of pictured them like Wolverine from X-men, except the whole bursting out of actual skin, just gloves. Since there were other popular weapons, maybe Naruto'll get a few more, or already has them...


Elementary

a story of a genius

Return I: The Case of the Old Teammates

"What a nostalgic sight," said Naruto. "Sasuke. Sakura. And two others, formerly of ANBU, the pale one most likely from Danzo's regiment."

Naruto and Sasuke stood facing off, a crater the only thing separating them, the same crater that Sakura, Yamato and Sai were at the base off.

"Na-Naruto?" breathed Sakura, as she turned from former teammate to former teammate.

"Naruto," spat Sasuke, like the word was poison. "Looks like you were the one who came of worst from our fight."

"What fight would this be? I don't seem to recall any fight. All I seem to remember is placing you within an inch of death, at which point you were rescued by the Sound ninja. Besides, what could make you think that I came off worst?"

"I'm not the one who's aged fifty years," replied Sasuke, eyes blazing, not with the Sharingan, but with anger.

It was true. Naruto's once spiky blonde hair had drooped, and greyed, held out of his eyes by his old Konoha headband, a horizontal scratch through the Leaf symbol. Slight wrinkles had formed on his face, as well as grey stubble. His "whiskers" were barely visible, having greyed as well.

Naruto's attire had changed as well. His coat was still there, but with shorter sleeves, allowing the unusual bracers he had equipped on his arms to be visible. Instead of his plain shirt, there was armour. Fingerless gloves were on his hands, attached to his bracers. And the trademark cane was still in his hand, and on his back rested a crossbow.

"I must inform you that you are quite mistaken in your belief that something you did was responsible for my premature aging," said Naruto. "I find it astounding really, that you believe you were capable of such an act. Now, if you could, please inform me of the whereabouts of your lover- oh, I do apologise, your "teacher" Orochimaru."

"You..." Sasuke seethed over Naruto's words, how the Detective called into question both his abilities and his sexuality. "Die, Uzumaki!" he howled, bursting forwards at his maximum speed, his katana poised.

Naruto only side-stepped the blade, using the minimum effort needed to dodge. "I take it you have no intention of telling me how to find Orochimaru," said Naruto.

Sasuke swung his katana at Naruto's head, and Naruto calmly took a step back to avoid the strike.

"Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke," said Naruto airily. "Have you forgotten that basic rule, to keep your emotions in check, and never lose control in a fight?" He asked casually, as if this was little more than a common spar between comrades.

Sasuke screamed with fury and frustration, slashing several times at Naruto, who once again, only took a few steps back.

"Look at yourself," Naruto reprimanded the Uchiha. "I am ashamed to even acknowledge you were once a teammate of mine. I am afraid I must now ask you to "do the decent thing", and preserve what honour your clan had, by committing ritual suicide."

"How dare you mock my clan!" roared Sasuke, stabbing at Naruto's stomach.

Naruto neatly side-stepped the stab. "I beg your pardon? The only mocking that has occurred of your clan is that you are a member."

Sasuke continued for several minutes, slashing and stabbing at Naruto, only for Naruto to use the minimum effort required to dodge every single one.

"Sasuke, you called into question my age not too long ago, yet I am running rings around you, so to speak," stated Naruto calmly. "I find it stunning that-"

"You talk too much, Naruto!" shouted Sasuke. "I'll kill you."

Naruto coolly avoided another slash. "Firstly, refrain from interrupting me in your short future. Secondly, is your attempt at screaming "I'll kill you" the way you intend to kill your brother?"

"That has nothing to do with this!" shouted Sasuke, finally coming to the conclusion that his katana skills were useless, and jumped back to fire a Katon Jutsu at Naruto.

Naruto sighed, and only walked, yet walked out of the way of the Fire Technique's range.

"I'm afraid your brother has all too much to do with this, Sasuke," said Naruto, withdrawing his pipe from his coat, and lighting it up with the aid of the fires of Sasuke's jutsu. "You see, it does not matter what training you have undertaken, for you will never surpass Itachi. I have made sure of that."

"What the fuck does that mean?!" demanded Sasuke, as his Katon Jutsu faded away.

Naruto removed a ring from a pocket, and held it up for Sasuke to see. "Would you call this ring as familiar?"

Sasuke's eyes widened with disbelief, for he recognised that ring all too well. He shook his head, unable to believe what it meant. "You...that's his ring-" he said, his voice deathly silent, yet shaking with anger.

Inwardly, Naruto was laughing. It had been Michiko's idea to make a fake ring that replicated Itachi's Akatsuki ring, and see how Sasuke reacted. Naruto personally designed the ring, and Kenta forged it.

"It was Itachi's fault that this occurred, Sasuke," said Naruto, almost regretfully, as he smoked on his pipe. "I also took the liberty of removing his eyes, and currently I am experimenting on how to transmit the Sharingan to my eyes without having to actually rip out my eyes and implanting the late Itachi's eyes. Why, wouldn't that be wonderful? The two of us could be like brothers."

"You- you took away my ambition in life!" howled Sasuke, his Sharingan blazing, his Cursed Seal almost starting to act up. "Naruto! From now on, my ambition is to kill you!"

Naruto's brow furrowed, as he exhaled smoke. "That makes no logical sense, Sasuke. Your ambition was to kill your brother, and admittedly, it is understandable you would be disappointed if someone got there first, but to kill the person who killed Itachi? Would that not be avenging your brother? Your logical senses are impaired, so I can safely deduct you have changed little over the years."

Meanwhile, the Konoha team were conversing in hushed whispers, but Naruto's keen ears easily picked up on their words.

"Yamato-taichou, what are our orders?" asked Sakura, talking to her team leader.

"We wait and we watch," instructed Yamato.

"You are very much boring me, Sasuke," said Naruto. "Please inform me of the location of Orochimaru, and I might not break out your teeth and make you eat them."

"Why do you want to see him?" said Sasuke, as he prepared another attack.

"He is a danger, and it is necessary to neutralise him," said Naruto as he continued smoking his pipe. "You are no danger. In the complex and strange place that life is, you are little more than a gnat, a pest, just an annoyance. I could have chosen to finish you back at the Valley. I spared you simply because you make those dramatic monologues during fights, which amuse me."

In truth, Naruto lied. Sasuke was a danger, but solely as he had power and a temper. Not the greatest threat in the world, but believing the Uchiha incapable would be a fatal mistake.

"Dra-dramatic monologues?!" managed Sasuke furiously.

"It is a fault of many ninja today," said Naruto, sounding even older than he looked. "Talking for about two hours in the middle of battle. The Knight finds that laughable, coming from lands where battle consists of brutal hacking and hundreds of arrows falling from the skies at every moment."

Sasuke seethed, and began preparing a jutsu.

"And another fault. Too much reliance on your ninjutsu," said Naruto. "A true ninja must firstly be able to utilise stealth to a maximum effect, without having to rely on genjutsu or any other manipulation of chakra. A ninja must also be capable of fighting in any circumstance. Limiting yourself to a single style, or relying too heavily on a single ability brings death to the user." Naruto laughed. "After all, Sasuke, what have you seen of me today? I assure you, my own ways of battle have changed countless times over the years."

Sasuke unmasked his new jutsu, something Naruto keenly examined. Whatever the technique was, it allowed him to radiate his Chidori from his entire body.

"Chidori Nagashi," stated Sasuke, his tone now full of confidence- nay, analysed the technique. "Interesting, at most. No doubt the electricity would shock any who came into close combat, and it allows Chidori to be channelled through your katana. I can only say I'm disappointed, Sasuke. Near three years and this is all you could come up with? Pitiful, absolutely pitiful."

"Uzumaki!" shouted Yamato. "We'll help you out!"

"Help?" said Sakura quietly.

"Perhaps this is a method to capture both Uzumaki and Uchiha," said Sai.

Naruto most politely refused Yamato's offer. "I brought my own assistance," he explained good-naturedly.

And on cue, two men appeared, one on either side of Naruto. The one on Naruto's left was hooded, clad in a white robe-like garment, whilst the one on Naruto's right wore a full suit of Western plate armour.

"The Assassin and the Knight," said Sai, examining both. "Two members of Uzumaki's organisation."

"Assassin, deal with Target Imbecile," said Naruto. "Knight, provide backup wherever necessary. Try not to get too close to the target, Chidori is a particularly powerful Raiton Jutsu."

"Yeah- what does Raiton mean again?" asked Anselm, the Knight, and the main brawn of the organisation.

"Lightning Element," responded Hishou, the Assassin. "Surely that should be obvious, considering you would be the only one to have such a weakness."

"Yeah? Well fuck you!" replied Anselm.

"Brilliant comeback, Knight."

"We may want to hurry," said Naruto.

The three jumped away, dodging Sasuke's slash, the Uchiha clearly bored with having to wait.

Hishou darted behind Sasuke, his blade already poised, attempting to stab through Sasuke's heart. Sasuke pivoted around; meeting Hishou's sword with his katana, yet Hishou was not shocked from the Chidori Nagashi, as the grip of his sword was guarded with leather, the material not conducting electricity.

Hishou shot forward, his left hand forming a fist. Sasuke only smirked and was content to take the hit, knowing Hishou would be paralysed from the Chidori Nagashi, and the damage from a fist would be minimal-

And as the gauntleted fist smashed into Sasuke's side, he cried in pain, sharp steel entering his torso, and he realised that a hidden blade was in the Assassin's fist, where a finger had once been. Hishou stopped, paralysed from the electricity.

Sasuke roared with wild fury and pain, channelling as much of his Chidori Nagashi through his Kusanagi blade, intent on ending the life of the man who had caused him such pain. Sasuke slashed at Hishou's neck, but the Assassin did not move- seeing as he couldn't.

But neither did he have to, as Sasuke was the one who moved away, narrowly avoiding a throwing axe that would have severed his head.

Anselm gave his battle-cry, before lunging at Sasuke with his spear in hand, intent on impaling Sasuke through the torso.

Sasuke spun away and swung his katana to get around Anselm's guard, but this only proved fruitless as Anselm twirled his spear and blocked the katana, before pushing Sasuke back, to attack again.

Anselm stabbed at Sasuke's throat, but being more nimble, Sasuke ducked under the blow, striking at Anselm's exposed midriff.

The strike landed, and although the steel glanced off Anselm's armour, the power of the lightning was conducted by Anselm's armour, shocking the Knight.

"Damn, I have to get this stuff insulated," grumbled the Knight, wincing in pain, as Sasuke jumped back, forming several seals, and the Uchiha exhaled a dragon of fire at the Knight and still incapacitated Assassin.

"Heheh, dragons? Damnit kid, you don't know jack about knights, do ya?" said Anselm mockingly, as his eyes narrowed under his great helm. Just because he knew the technique to counter this so-called "powerful" Katon jutsu, did not mean he could randomly decide to perform it. He would have to time this accurately-

Anselm shot up into the air, much faster and higher than one might expect considering his heavy plate armour.

"DRAGON SLAY!" he screamed, plunging his spear through the flaming beast's maw.

For a split second, the two remained motionless in the air. Then Anselm fell to the ground, landing comfortably on his feet, while the dragon dissipated.

Anselm pulled his shield of his back, parrying another katana slash from Sasuke.

But by this time, Hishou had recovered from his paralysis, and resumed his fight, starting by launching several throwing daggers at Sasuke.

Naruto smiled to himself as he smoked his pipe nonchalantly. Anselm and Hishou fought with each other day in day out, worse than an old married couple, but at the end of the day, they truly were a brilliant team an incredible combination of Hishou's stealth and speed and Anselm's raw power.

Truly a team to be feared.

But, now it was time to end this. Anselm and Hishou did not appear to be using their full strength, and as things stood, would kill Sasuke eventually.

But eventually was simply not good enough. Eventually was dangerous. Time changes things. Naruto stretched his limbs lazily. At least he'd be able to test out his new technique. It hadn't taken too much imagination to create, but it was a much more powerful variant of an already existing technique created.

Naruto tucked away his pipe and raised his hand, and began concentrating his chakra into his hand, when he felt someone grip onto his arm, interrupting the process.

A single glance told him all he needed to know. This was the very last person he'd like to be touching him.

"Orochimaru. What could possibly bring you here?" asked Naruto, tugging his arm loose, and making quite a show of dusting it.

Naruto sensed another presence behind him. Kabuto must have appeared as well.

"What jutsu were you about to use?" said Orochimaru, his yellow eyes narrowed.

"Oh, would you like to see it?" asked Naruto. "It's called, Odama..."

Orochimaru tensed, but his eyes remained fixed on Naruto.

"Rasengan!" roared Naruto, as he formed the spiralling sphere of chakra, and slammed it into the Snake Sannin's stomach.

Orochimaru burst into shreds, but flesh and bone turned to mud.

Naruto expected no less, and turned to see Orochimaru and Kabuto now standing next to Sasuke. Meanwhile, Hishou and Anselm politely applauded Naruto's jutsu.

"Since when did you know Rasengan?" said Kabuto, his eyes narrowed behind his glasses.

"Perhaps the best way of putting it would be to say I recreated it," Naruto smoothly lied. Deception was one of his most useful talents. "And Odama Rasengan is a mild variant, simply a standard Rasengan with double power."

Naruto smiled, letting his elongated canines show. "So, Orochimaru, let me see why you are such a feared ninja."

Claws burst out of Naruto's gloves, starting at his knuckles. Orochimaru gurgled and withdrew his Kusanagi sword from his throat, something Naruto, Anselm, Hishou and the Konoha-nin watched with disgust.

Anselm chanted under his breath. Most of his weapons vanished, and parts of his armour, including his great helm. He was armed with nothing more than his broadsword and shield, and with less steel to weigh him down, was faster. In response, Kabuto pushed his glasses further up his nose and activated his chakra scalpels.

Hishou only twirled his blade and readied himself. Sasuke drew his Kusanagi katana, the tomoes of his Sharingan starting to spin around his pupils.

Naruto shot across the crater at Orochimaru.

The Detective always kept one thing in mind when fighting, and that was to end the battle quickly. After years of experience, had enough experience with all the vital parts of the body that Naruto had over twenty methods of one-hitters in his arsenal.

Such a way of fighting was of the true shinobi. Stealth, and being able to think and end battles quickly and efficiently. Naruto was fully capable in all those fields.

Orochimaru, despite his skills in stealth, emphasised all too much on bringing fear to his opponents, and always enjoyed dragging out a fight. The fact that Orochimaru had drawn his Kusanagi sword meant one thing, and that was that he was truly worried about his battle.

Naruto appeared behind Orochimaru, his claws poised to pierce the Sannin's heart, but Orochimaru spun around to parry.

Kabuto dived out of the way of Anselm's stab, before attempting to cut a muscle ligament where Anselm had removed armour, only for the Knight to shield it, and slash at the medic-nin's head.

Kabuto crouched under the slash, but lost a few strands of hair.

Meanwhile, Hishou and Sasuke were locked in sword combat. Sasuke swung his katana at Hishou's neck, but the Assassin responded by smashing his sword against Sasuke's blade, using his advantage of strength and a heavier blade to almost knock the younger male off his feet.

Sasuke felt a fist smash into a stomach, and then suddenly a blade.

He gasped and pulled himself off Hishou's hidden blade, but toppled back, slumping to the ground, gurgling.

Orochimaru and Kabuto instantly were distracted, and both were suddenly hit through the air in that period of distraction.

"Hishou, I believe I have already informed you that the slow-acting poison was simply too weak," said Naruto. "After all, you did stab him earlier, and yet it took this long, and as well as a second stab to start "working," as it were."

"It was your suggestion to use poison, not mine," responded Hishou, amusing himself by kicking Sasuke. "That blade is very close to my own flesh after all, a fast-acting poison could make things rather difficult for me if the blade scratched my skin."

Anselm grinned and leapt onto the offensive. Kabuto jumped from the ground, but still received both a slash across the stomach, as well as being hit across the head with Anselm's shield.

"I would say you have come off lucky, Kabuto," said Naruto. "Anselm uses no poison on his weapons."

Orochimaru hissed in anger, a glare on his face symbolising this was not over. "We will continue this some other time, Naruto-kun."

The Snake Sannin grabbed the injured Uchiha, as Kabuto rose, and the three disappeared into flames.

Naruto sighed. He had been unsuccessful in killing off Orochimaru and his "flunkies" off for good. On a more positive note, he had been able to determine one thing.

He was absolutely sure he was capable of defeating Orochimaru. Now he had done nothing more than drive him off, but- Naruto knew Orochimaru had absolutely no way of defeating him.

Naruto was immune to Orochimaru's killer intent and genjutsu, as both could be broken if the one had sufficient willpower. Needless to say, Naruto did. Naruto was more than capable of avoiding or countering any attacks by ninjutsu. And when it came to taijutsu, Orochimaru's sword skills were made useless compared to the many ways Naruto chose to fight in close quarter combat.

He had surpassed a Sannin. He allowed himself another sigh. Had he still been a Konoha ninja, and the old Sandaime Hokage been alive, Naruto would have been instated as the new Sannin to take Orochimaru's place.

In the meantime however, best to dream when there weren't more pressing issues. Although, it was a worthwhile note to make sure he terminated his target next time. Leaving an enemy alive was dangerous.

With that in mind, Naruto turned to the Konoha-nin, who had been watching, almost forgotten by the combatants.

"I trust you enjoyed the show?" he asked pleasantly, jumping into the crater, landing with his knees bent.

Hishou wiped the blood off his hidden blade- thus wiping the poison off as well- before he jumped down into the crater, landing with a roll. Anselm followed suit, after restoring his armour and weapons, but he opted to remove his great helm and carry it under his arm. After all, it was rather stuffy, wearing a helmet all the time.

Naruto offered his hand to Yamato as he approached the former ANBU member. "Uzumaki Naruto."

Yamato eyed the hand beadily, clearly surprised.

"Oh dear- forgive me," said Naruto, sheathing his claws and offering his hand a second time.

Yamato took Naruto's hand and shook it very quickly, letting go as if it was the paw of some deadly animal.

"You know, I think he might be scared of you Detective," said Anselm, whispering none too quietly into Naruto's ear.

Hishou glanced at Naruto. "Now?" he asked, knowing Naruto already knew what that single word meant.

"Of course my dear Assassin, I fully intended to." Naruto turned back to Yamato, his eyes locking onto Yamato's. "I have a proposition for you."

"What would a mass-murderer want with me?" said Yamato, his own eyes narrowed.

Naruto heartily laughed. "I'm afraid this proposition isn't for you, as such. It is for, the entirety of Konoha. You could translate it as a cease-fire, or even allies, brought together for common goals. Nevertheless, that partnership will no doubt end once our objectives are completed, and you may feel free to go back to hunting me down and attempting to decorate the Hokage Residence with my head on a stake."

"Why on earth would Konoha want a treaty with you?!"

Naruto shrugged. "We share the same enemies, do we not?

"You consider yourself an enemy?" said Yamato sarcastically.

Naruto gave a light laugh. "Very amusing. After all, I am quite a danger to even myself on many occasions..."

As Naruto trailed off, Yamato, Sai and Sakura found themselves wondering whether Naruto had also gone senile due to his premature aging.

"However, Yamato-san, the enemies I was referring to does not include me, but rather, Uchiha Sasuke, Orochimaru, and of course, the both elusive and powerful Akatsuki."

"What would Akatsuki want with Konoha now you are gone?" asked Yamato, still not lowering his guard.

Naruto's brow furrowed. "Surely, you have realised that Akatsuki's goal involves world domination? Or maybe not, it seems their goal is changing daily, but whether they come after you now or later, they shall eventually, I can assure you of that."

Yamato laughed mockingly. "It's a strange day when a mass-murderer starts teaching you who your enemies are."

"Mass-murderer? True, true, but that is a status many ninja are guilty of- not just ninja, any warrior. But you seem to mean it in the term about the numerous affrays that have occurred between me and Konohagakure. But I have only ever killed people from Konoha on the event when I and a few friends destroyed that company. I have never killed any Konoha citizens before that, and that includes the day I left."

"I'll confess to one thing. There is a personal reason why I wish for a cease-fire. And I'm sure you have an inkling of what that reason is."

"Your aging?" said Yamato.

"Correct," Naruto lightly applauded. "But, it is obvious that you have absolutely no intention of allying yourself with me."

"Correct," responded Yamato.

"Then at least one thing is clear," said Naruto. "I must find some others more tolerable of my presence. Thus, I-"

Hishou suddenly appeared behind Yamato, while Anselm appeared next to the Konoha-nin. Yamato tensed and readied to move safely away, but he had not noticed Naruto.

Naruto shot forward and struck a certain point on Yamato's neck. The former ANBU tensed, before collapsing to the ground.

"What did you do!?" shouted Sakura, her hands curling into fists as Sai too readied himself for battle, even though it was a battle they would lose.

"I merely knocked him out Sakura, please desist with rushing to conclusions. It is a frightful thing to do, finding an answer without taking into account all the evidence." Naruto sighed, before continuing. "An unfortunate habit of yours which you have not lost over the years."

"Basically, what the Detecive was saying," said Anselm, the Knight stepping in, something that made Hishou groan. Any Anselm the diplomat situation was generally a recipe for disaster. "Was that if you help us knock out a few more enemies, and do a couple of favours for our esteemed Detective, we'll do you a couple of favours, and knock out a few enemies for you. You know, a "scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours" sort of thing."

"That didn't sound like anything he said..." Sakura trailed off as Anselm snorted.

"Are you kidding? This guy should be a politician, he could bullshit his way out of a room with no doors. Heck, the only guy I know who can out-talk him is-"

"Knight, please close your mouth and keep it closed."

"Although he can be very blunt in some cases," continued Anselm.

"This steel-clad fool is right," said Hishou, stepping in, something that made Naruto groan. For although an Anselm the diplomat situation was bad, an Anselm and Hishou situation was much worse. "Help us, and we help you."

"We require information," stated Sai, stepping forwards. "Konoha will not ally itself with an organisation it knows so little about. Who is "we"? We have found out there are more in your organisation then four people."

"Huh? Four?" said Anselm.

"It's from that incident a couple of years ago when the Gentleman was with us," said Hishou.

"Yes...that was where I lost my coat," said Naruto. "I quite liked that coat. The Sandaime gave it to me as a birthday present when I was- very well, now is not the time," he stopped as he saw the faces of the others. "So you wish to know how many are in our organisation?"

Sai nodded.

"It really doesn't matter, you see, whether you know the number of how many people here. Many others already know it," said Naruto, before finally continuing. "There are seven of us in total. The Detective. The Gentleman. The Knight. The Assassin. The Doctor. The Inventor. The Blacksmith. Is that all?"

Sai shook his head, and Naruto looked inquiringly at Sakura, as her face clearly showed she wished to ask something, but feared to. "Well?" asked Naruto.

"How did you get so-?"

"Old?" interrupted Naruto.

"Why Naruto looks so old?" said Anselm. "...You know about the Nine-Tails, right?" After receiving an answering nod, he continued. "It occurred from one hell of an accident. Who'd have thought that the Fox could screw someone over like that?"

"My, my, it seems you've gone for the gold," said Naruto, ignoring Anselm's comments. "That information comes at a price."

A split second later, Naruto had his claws pointed at Sai and Sakura's throats, the two immediately tensing and readying to counter or move.

"You will not tell it to anyone else, unless you receive my permission. Is that understood?" Naruto's voice was deathly cold, and even the usually emotionless Sai felt intimidation. "Well?"

"Understood," said Sakura and Sai simultaneously.

"Good," said Naruto, sheathing his claws and lowering his hands. "I suppose I suffer from a disease. You two just said you knew about Kyuubi, so you know about the sealing of Kyuubi?"

"It was told to me a long time ago," stated Sai.

"Tsunade-sama told me as you were on my team..." Sakura trailed off.

"Good," said Naruto again. "The first time I used Kyuubi's chakra in battle was against Gaara. Second time, Sasuke. It was only a matter of time before I began to think: There is a vast reserve of power inside of me. How can I tap into that?"

Naruto sighed, reminiscing of his folly. Sai and Sakura were silent, still awaiting the rest of the story.

"The first time, I decided to see how much of Kyuubi's power I could handle. After receiving the help of a certain friend, I attempted to go past two tails." Naruto sighed. "By releasing three tails and controlling my emotion, I still remained in control of my body. Sadly, this was not the case for the fourth tail. I nearly killed this friend of mine, but fortunately, he was able to stop the four-tail state. So, I decided if I could remove some of Kyuubi's chakra, and place it into my reserve, I would be able to handle higher amounts of chakra. Such a fool I was."

Sakura was startled. If there was one thing she remembered about Naruto, it was that he always seemed to be right.

"The Kyuubi's chakra. You could compare it to a performance-enhancing drug. You will certainly be better in the short-term, but in the long-term, it is very dangerous. At first, I started to gain a little, just a little, control over the four-tailed state by constantly drawing Kyuubi chakra. But then, I started becoming more emotional, more impulsive, more willing to fight rather than think. Although I did not know it at the time, this was an effect of Kyuubi's personality drawing over into mine. And it was then when I noticed it. The four-tailed state releases a toxic substance that coats the body. It is certainly poisonous, but the Kyuubi's regeneration heals it. This constant cycle of destruction and regeneration starts to lower the life span of the person."

"You mean-?" Sakura started, but Naruto cut her off.

" As I discovered it, I was obviously very much so alarmed, and immediately ceased drawing Kyuubi chakra. However, in my panic, I had not considered the effects of this as well. The Kyuubi chakra was almost addictive to my body, and after being so reliant on it, and having regeneration on such a basic, it was like my body started panicking. Somehow, for a reason I am not entirely sure of, I contracted this disease, which seemed to affect not only my cells, but my very own genetics. Fortunately, I know of a way to treat this," said Naruto.

"Wait," said Sai. "If you know how to treat this disease, why have you not done so yet?"

"Is that not obvious?" said Naruto. "I know only partially of how to treat this disease, The Doctor has been very useful with that aspect, as a matter of fact I would have died some time ago from it had it not been for the Doctor's medical skill, but, I do not know how to completely cure this disease. To do so, I need to find a very particular medical scroll in Konoha, one that I know Tsunade has under lock-and-key, especially considering my last visit to the village."

"What scroll is that?" asked Sakura.

"You've heard of Kabuto's cell-regeneration ability, have you not?" asked Naruto. "I discovered Tsunade was able to use a variant of it to treat the ninja Rock Lee after injuries he sustained in his battle with Gaara. This variant, is not only published in that scroll, but other variants. By using these cell-regeneration abilities, the Doctor could create a very certain new variant. One that creates fresh new cells, for any type of cell."

"What?!" said Sakura, in shock. "But that could-!"

"Almost revolutionise the medical world?" asked Naruto bluntly. "Don't get your hopes up. These new cells could only work with a body that has some very specific requirements. In other words, you would have to be a jinchuuriku. If not, you'd die."

"Oh," said Sakura. "But wait a minute- why do you trust us with all this information?"

Naruto arched an eyebrow.

"I mean, you've never met Sai before, and I work directly under Tsunade-sama. Why do you trust us so much with all this?"

"Because Sakura, in less than a year, it won't matter who knows that or not, seeing as I'll be dead."

Naruto fixed his gaze on Sakura and Sai, resuming a firmer tone of voice.

"I never betrayed Konoha. Akatsuki framed me. Konoha jumped to conclusions and eagerly condemned their demon container, instead of ever asking: Wait, would Naruto kill some guards in such an obvious way? Wasn't Naruto smart enough to think of another plan of escape? Why did Naruto even kill the guards at all if he wanted to escape quietly? Tsunade showed up, and was fed stories about this traitor, believed to be loyal to Orochimaru, who had tricked Sarutobi. Tsunade then displaced all her grief and anger over the years onto me, making me her target. That is why, even now, any protests about me fall upon deaf ears. The only time I killed anyone from Konoha was when I unleashed my bombs there, and that was to save myself and my comrades. Had Tsunade not destroyed the building, had she realised that all I had done was destroy an empty building and a park, the whole tragedy could have been avoided."

Silence fell upon the air for a moment, only to be broken by Yamato suddenly rasping in his state.

"If we decide to help you, how will we get to you?" asked Sakura uncertainly.

Naruto inwardly smiled. "If we decide to help you" was merely another way of saying "we will help you, but we just don't want to admit it yet."

"The second largest town in the Land of Fire- Karakura Town," said Naruto. "You've heard of it, no doubt?"

Sai and Sakura nodded. Of course they knew of the town, second in size in the Fire Country to only Konohagakure, very close in distance. The town itself was practically a haven for merchants and traders, and was very well protected as well, seeing as the Fire Daimyo resided nearby.

"There's a very nice restaurant there," Naruto suddenly said. "It's called The Spiralling Sphere. Very nice place, up-market, formal, and certainly expensive. I quite enjoy frequenting the place. I will send word to you when I will be there. Either one of you two –or both- will show. Do not disappoint me by not showing at all."

Naruto's eyes met theirs. "If you do not show, I will resort to gaining the scroll by theft. Destroy the scroll and I will enter Konoha using brutal methods, killing all in my path, and I will draw the information from bleeding lips. Understand?" After receiving two nods, Naruto was satisfied. "Good. Anything else you wish to say or ask?"

"Negative," said Sai.

Naruto looked at Sakura, and she squirmed slightly under his gaze. "How will you contact us?" she managed.

"Who knows?" said Naruto, shrugging. "I may enter Konoha. I may send a friend. I may send a messenger bird."

"Oh, right, okay," said Sakura, still looking rather dazed, most likely due to the very confusing events that were still occurring.

Naruto removed his pipe from his coat and reached for his tobacco pouch, but after realising it was empty, sighed again, and put away his pipe. Instead, he removed a cigarette packet which he pilfered from Kenta's private stock, and lit one up.

"You shouldn't smoke," said Sakura, eyeing the cigarette with distaste. "If you've aged, and your regeneration's been affected...I mean, don't you know it can give lung cancer?"

Naruto shrugged. "You might know a lot about health, but you don't know how good a cigarette tastes in the morning."

Sakura huffed. "They're still very dangerous!"

Naruto retorted again. "So's war, and I've done that all my life."

"No you haven't," argued Sakura.

"When you are in a ninja village, you are at war. With the uselessness of all the governments, all controlled by weak daimyos who require war to stay in power, and mindless ninja pawns. A shinobi is a tool. If one wishes to break free, they must no longer be a shinobi. As such...I am no longer a ninja."

Naruto's eyes glinted at Sakura and Sai. "Half the people who claim to be ninja cannot do so. A ninja's greatest power is stealth, and being able to use fear as a weapon, not reliance on flashy techniques. Tricks, deceit, but that is not something a government should be based on. Politicians require it, but the ninja world is on the verge of falling. It's no surprise Akatsuki want to take over. I'm surprised that they're the first."

Sakura and Sai exchanged looks.

"I suppose I've talked too much already. Well, you had better pick up Yamato and go on your way," said Naruto.

"Yeah, bye kids," said Anselm, waving already.

Sai picked up their unconscious captain and looked to Sakura, as if inquiring whether she was ready to go.

"Something you wish to say, Sakura?" said Naruto.

"You've"

Naruto waited patiently for her comment or question. In fact, he was rather bored with how patient he had to be.

"You've gotten taller, Naruto."

Anselm lost it. He actually fell down, clutching his sides, laughing. Even Hishou was grinning under his hood.

Naruto was still speechless. He blinked once, then again, before he cleared his throat. "Thanks for that comment, Sakura. You've grown too. Well, good day to the both of you."

Sakura and Sai turned around and left, running up the side of the crater and leaving.

"To think that your height was what had kept her stunned," grinned Anselm.

"Knight...be quiet," said Naruto abruptly, before turning to face the two. "Mission failed. Targets Hebi, Regenerate and Imbecile escaped. Return to base to receive briefing on next mission. Assassin, scout ahead."

Hishou turned, and ran at the side of the crater, jumping from bits of stone and earth, before eventually reaching the top, climbing out of the crater.

"Something the matter, Knight?"

"Yeah," Anselm scratched his head. "I've been thinking about the next mission, and you know that Tak-uh, Gentleman ain't brilliant at fighting, and Yuz-uh, Doctor is still-"

"Knight, how do you expect me to forget that Doctor is pregnant?" asked Naruto. "I'm fully aware it is too risky to allow her to fight. But, the Gentleman is not as weak as he was three years ago. Why, I would say that he is the fourth strongest member of the group. And we will be provided with outside support."

The two left the crater, and sped up, heading to their rendezvous point, when Anselm suddenly remembered something.

"Hang on. Gentleman's the fourth strongest, right? You're probably the strongest so..."

Naruto suddenly realised where Anselm was going with this, and sighed inwardly at what it meant.

"So who are you rating higher?!" demanded Anselm. "Me, or Mumei-I mean, Assassin! Out with it shortie!"

"You," said Naruto quickly. A little too quickly. Something Anselm noted.

"Hey! Do you mean that, or what?!" shouted Anselm. "Do you think Mumei is stronger than me?!"

"No," stated Naruto. "Well...on occasion...yes- it really does depend on the situation. There are a lot of factors that will affect who would win in a fight. You two are rather evenly matched."

"You didn't answer my question though! Who's being rated highest!?" Anselm was almost whining, his mind refusing to believe he could be beaten by Hishou, despite having lost to him on several occasions.

"You two both share the spots for second and third," sighed Naruto. "Now please stop acting like a child Anselm, I thought when you married you would grow out of that."

The man scratched the back of his head, mildly embarrassed, yet a grin was still affixed to his face. "Ah well, I know you guys would miss this awesome personality of mine."

"Pathetic," muttered Naruto under his breath.

"I'm sorry Naruto, but that's a Mumei-comment. If we are to remain friends, please remove all Mumei-comments from your vocabulary."

"I'm stunned you can even pronounce vocabulary," muttered Naruto.

"That was another!"

Naruto smiled to himself, and on his aged face, had the effect of making him look like a stereotypical "kindly old man". He shook the grin off his face, before he turned back to Anselm.

"So, Anselm. The baby- or possibly babies."

"What?!"

Naruto innocently shrugged his shoulders. "Well, you never know. It could be twins." For a brief second, an image of armour-clad children wielding broadswords and chakra scalpels flitted across Naruto's mind. He shuddered.

Anselm laughed uncertainly. "Well, let's hope not, eh? I mean, even I have to admit, more than one of me would be bad."

"Well Anselm, I doubt you could have another one of you if the baby was a girl," said Naruto fairly. "How about names for the child?"

"...ergh. I wanted to leave that to Yuzuki. Well, how about Naruto?"

"Naruto? What would make you name a child that?" said Naruto, amused.

"I dunno. It's a silly name, doesn't it mean something to do with food?" grinned Anselm. "I just know that the name belonged to another, a purely awesome man."

Over the years, Naruto had bonded with all the members of his group, despite only controlling and manipulating them in the past. Anselm's silly conversations that would have caused Naruto to brush him off as a madman previously; now Naruto joined in.

Anselm was purely that kind of person who everyone in the group seemed to like. Although he would never admit it, Hishou too liked the Knight. And vice-versa was true; Anselm begrudgingly had a great deal of respect for the Assassin.

"Yes, even I have to say that Naruto is certainly an unusual name," commented the Detective. "Why, I would say-"

Naruto suddenly landed on the ground, frozen. Anselm landed next to him, concerned.

"Er, Naruto? Is there something wrong?"

The Detective fell to his knees, hunched over the ground, coughing violently.

"Naruto? Naruto! Naaarrrutooo!"


Night fell over Karakura, but the town was still brilliantly illuminated by lights, merchants still active, not willing to go to sleep until all customers had done so.

In the most upper-class district, a well-known restaurant seemed to be doing quite well that day. And in a storeroom, one that always seemed to be locked, the only key owned by the owner- and a woman was currently in it.

She tapped a secret panel on the wall, and suddenly, the floor slid away, to reveal a secret staircase. The woman descended the stairs, before the entrance closed up. Eventually, she came to a door, heavily reinforced with metal, and a bell one side, and a security keypad under it.

She input a code into the keypad, and the door opened.

Despite the initial gloominess of the place, the room behind the door was anything but. It was the size of a small hall, well furnished, a kitchen in one corner, and seven doors were on the back. In the middle of the room, a table in the shape of a heptagon stood. And in one corner, there was- strangely enough- a bar, with neon lights stating: "Anselm's."

All in all, the room looked like the site of some kind of club.

Only three people were in the room when the woman entered, one a bulky man, busying himself at the kitchen, another a well-dressed man, sitting in a large armchair at a fireplace, reading a book, the last a girl, wearing goggles, who was at a different table, at work with some machine or other.

The woman cleared her throat. "They should have been here by now."

"No sign of them?" asked the well-dressed man. "Do you think-?"

"Orochimaru got them?" interrupted the girl, scoffing. "As if. As if Orochimaru could beat Naruto-kun..." she trailed off dreamily.

The well-dressed man rolled his eyes. "Michiko, a tip. Grow up."

"Shut up Takahiro!" growled Michiko. "I'm busy and I don't need you to butt in all the time!"

The woman- Blackwood Yuzuki, formerly Hayashi Yuzuki- sighed to herself, concern visible on her face. She seated herself on a couch near Michiko, and closed her eyes, trying to relax during this stressful situation.

The bulky man- Kurosawa Kenta yawned loudly and stretched as he finished his meal. "I'm turning in. Wake me up when the Detective arrives."

Kenta walked across the room and entered one of the seven doors, the one curiously marked with the emblem of a hammer.

Michiko resumed her work, as she began fiddling with several dials on the system. And that seemed to do the trick, as a green light came on, and Michiko stared at a small radar screen.

She looked on in disappointment. "They're not even in the town yet," Michiko said aloud, before the screen flickered and the machine turned off.

"Damnit!" cursed Michiko, furiously starting to repair the machine.

"Your machine still needs work." A clear voice broke upon the inhabitants on the room. "Even when it's not breaking down, it still couldn't detect us."

Naruto stood by the door, a thin smile on his face, Anselm and Hishou flanking his sides.

"Naruto-kun!" greeted Michiko, before remembering Naruto's comments. "Uh, well yeah, I still need to work on it; it's not just any old radar you know."

"I have the upmost faith that you will get it working, Michiko," said Naruto, inciting a blush from the girl.

Naruto deposited his cane and crossbow at a shelf, and hung his coat on a stand, before seating himself at the heptagonal table. Anselm and Hishou made themselves at home, the latter leaning against the wall in the kitchen, whereas Anselm greeted his wife with a kiss, before engaging her in idle conversation about her day.

Naruto reached for his pipe, before remembering it was out of tobacco. Discontent to the idea of putting no pressure on his lungs, he took out the pack of cigarettes that he had "borrowed" from Kenta's supply.

Despite the addictiveness and high risk to health, Naruto enjoyed his smoking habits, mostly since his regeneration ability usually ensured he was safe. Since he had aged, this was more of a problem- but he would prefer to be killed by smoking then to Akatsuki. Somehow, that just seemed wonderfully amusing to him.

The door to Kenta's room flew open, revealing an angered Kenta standing in the doorway.

"Yo, Kenta," waved Anselm from his position on the couch. "All right?"

"I'd be better if I didn't smell my cigarettes lit by not myself," said Kenta, stamping over to Naruto, and pulling the cigarette packet from his hand. "Wondered where these had got to."

"Hey moron!" shouted Michiko. "Don't disturb Naruto-kun like that!"

Kenta furiously displayed an obscene hand gesture towards his niece, before stalking over into a large chair by the fire, and began to smoke as he grumbled about brats not respecting their families.

Naruto cleared his throat, and on cue, his group froze, and slowly turned to face him. He tapped the table, and the six others approached the table, and sat in their chairs.

"Our meeting is now in session," said Naruto, and suddenly the lights in the room dimmed, so the greatest source of light was the fire. "Mission failed. Target Hebi, Regenerate and Imbecile still walk the earth. Next mission will commence."

Michiko cleared her throat, being the only one besides Naruto who knew of the mission. "Hebi's main hideaway. Believed to contain his old corpse, with the Akatsuki ring."

"Our targets," stated Naruto. "Assassinate Hebi, Regenerate and Imbecile- a contact has informed us that they will be there. Retrieve the Akatsuki Ring. Finally-"

"We blow the place sky-high!" cut in Anselm, the man grinning.

"Correct," said Naruto, a flicker of a smile on his face. "The mission will be cut into three steps."

"One, getting there," said Michiko. "There is a carefully concealed shack located nearby."

"The mission requires the use of six members. Assassin, Blacksmith. One of you may opt to go, the other opts to stay behind," said Naruto.

"What would the task be?" asked Kenta, lighting up a cigarette.

"Guarding the Inventor," responded Naruto.

"Bleedin' hell I'll be stayin' more time with that brat then I need to," snapped Kenta. "Assassin, this task's all yours."

Hishou nodded sharply in response as Naruto made a signal to Takahiro, who picked one of the maps on the table and unrolled it, revealing a specific area in the Land of Sound.

Naruto formed a chakra string and used it to grab his cane from across the room, and with the tool, pointed to a specific area. "This is the shack. Too many people will gather too much attention. Inventor and Assassin will remain here, and the Inventor will provide information via radio about the location of certain rooms, using a combination of blueprints we have "gathered" and the radar system. Assassin will protect Inventor, for there are certain ...unsavoury characters who we may unleash by entering."

"Wait, what the hell does that mean?" said Anselm.

"Hebi's experiments," replied Naruto, lifting the cigarette to his lips. "Insane, primitive-minded people that have most likely been experimented on with either bloodlines or the Hebi's seals. They should be avoided at all costs."

"In stage two," said Michiko, "The Detective and the Knight will enter via an underwater route, for a river goes underground here-" Naruto pointed at the map with his cane, "and goes through the underground part of the base. From there, they will take out the sentries on this entrance, and allow the Gentleman and the Doctor to enter. Finally, they will get to the heart of the base."

"And then stage three commences," said Naruto. "The assassinations- if any-, the theft of the ring, and finally, setting the bombs here-" Michiko unrolled another map, revealing a blueprint of the base, and Naruto pointed to the correct parts, "and here, we leave using this route."

"Forgive me for this, but I do not see my particular use in this mission," said Takahiro. "Surely, Assassin would be more use inside the base."

"Indeed, I originally planned for Assassin to take your place, but-" Naruto pointed to a specific part on the blueprint. "These contain a series of cells that contain experiments- and the problem is, the only sentries they have are the ones we will exterminate- these cells are very close to the door. And it is more than probable one will be able to sense people, thus meaning once they've escaped, it is very likely they will find the shack very quickly. Inventor can only set so many traps, and while on the inside, there will be myself and Knight, who should compensate for any weakness you have."

"Ah, that explains it. When do we begin?"

"At nine in the morning," replied Naruto. "So. I decree this meeting at a close."

"Let's drink to it!" shouted Anselm, jumping out of his chair, and running to his bar, where he tore off his helmet and gauntlets, and began to mix drinks furiously.

"Knight, I don't think we need hangovers tomorrow," said Takahiro. "Besides, your wife is pregnant, and I doubt Kenta has ever allowed Michiko to drink."

"Yeah yeah, Yuzuki and the brat can't have alcohol, I get that," Anselm shouted over his shoulder, still making drinks. "Besides Takee, you only ever drink that disgusting sake stuff all the time. You don't understand proper drinks."

"Brat?!" said Michiko, hurling a paperweight at Anselm's head.

"Nothing too strong, Anselm," said Naruto.

"Naruto-kun!" said Michiko, scandalised. "You can't smoke and drink! It's terrible for your health!"

"Hah, looks like Michiko wants to become the dominator of your little relationship!" shouted Anselm, finishing the drinks.

"Didn't I hear Yuzuki ordering you to cut down on drinking?" commented Hishou dryly.

"You did not!" roared Anselm, hurling his helmet at the Assassin, who only caught it. "Right!"

Anselm catapulted himself over the bar counter, missing the drinks, at Hishou, who flew from his chair, drawing his sword as Anselm grabbed his axe.

Naruto sighed and rested a hand on his forehead, before disappearing, reappearing in between the two, his claws unsheathed, holding the swords between claws.

This would be a long night.


AN: And so there you have it. A fairly easy-going chapter. I'm sure you've all noticed loads of references I made, like to Bleach, and Metal Gear Solid (Used a couple of Snake's quotes in MGS that he uses to defend his smoking habit), but let's talk about something amusing...like Anselm's married. Who'd have thought it?

Yes, Naruto talks a lot nowadays.

This chapter included a lot of bashing, not of Sasuke, but of all of canon Naruto. Those stupid dramatic monologues, and all those flashy jutsus. If canon Naruto was a proper ninja, he wouldn't just jump out and tell Sasuke he's going to bring him back, he'd sneak up on him, hit him with some sort of poisoned needle that'll knock him out, then bring him back. It seems Kishimoto's canon is only really making the fans in Japan happy (you'll never believe it, but a lot of Japanese fans like Sasuke more than Itachi! ).

Finally, Naruto knowing the Rasengan. He didn't "re-create it," I mentioned that he lied. Someone taught him. Now who do we know that knows the Rasengan and doesn't think Naruto's some sort of twisted murderer?

As for Naruto's alliance, he's not returning to Konoha. It's a temporary cease-fire, and mild alliance...if the offer is accepted.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The Omake.

Anselm's and Yuzuki's Wedding.


Elementary Fillers

a story of an idiotic knight

Omake: Anselm's and Yuzuki's Wedding

"Anselm," Naruto's tired voice broke the Knight out of his stupor. "If you keep doing that, you won't have any nails left."

Anselm tugged his hand out of his mouth, only for his teeth to continue chattering, until he managed. "Naruto! This is the most important day of my life! I'm gonna screw this up, I just know it! Something bad always happens to me!"

"What makes you think that?" Naruto withdrew his pipe from a pocket, and filled it with tobacco. "What could happen?"

"Anything!" whined Anselm. "I might trip on my own feet! The buffet might be poisoned! I might pull down her wedding dress!"

"Strange, I would have thought that would be your favourite moment," remarked Naruto.

"Not in front of everyone!" Anselm suddenly realised what he said and clapped his hand over his mouth.

"I am not Hishou, Takahiro or Michiko, Anselm, I'm not going to tease you over it," said Naruto, as he took the pipe away from his mouth to exhale a smoke-ring.

"Yeah..." Anselm resorted to pacing furiously around the room, before turning to Naruto. "I didn't know you planned weddings though."

"Takahiro planned it, Anselm, I merely put all of it into action. I even hired an orchestra, somewhere from the West."

"Yeah, thanks for everything. But you guys know I would've been fine with the weddings as they have them here, don't ya? How does the priest even know what a Western wedding's like?"

"He's been to the West," said Naruto.

"What? But it took me almost a year to get here!"

"Now they have a ferry," replied Naruto. "A motor-powered boat that gets you to the far West in a few weeks at most."

Anselm almost jumped. "When the hell did they-?!"

"Almost just after you arrived in the Elemental Countries," said Naruto, a trace of a smile visible on his face.

Anselm slammed his head into the wall, cursing the blisters and discomfort he had had to put up with on his migration to the Elemental Countries.

Naruto watched his friend amusedly as the Knight repeatedly hit his face into a wall. "That's enough, Anselm," Naruto interrupted. "I don't think Yuzuki will appreciate it if you arrive with a flattened face. And besides, think of the wall."

Anselm pulled his face out of the wall, wiping dust frantically out of his hair, only to realise he now needed his hair combed.

"See, I've already screwed this up!" shouted Anselm, as he tried to brush his hair into some semblance of style.

"That's nothing," said Naruto. "Besides, here's something that'll ensure you don't "screw" this up."

"It isn't a smoke, is it?" said Anselm. "You know Yuzuki hates the stuff, and besides I don't have a healing factor."

"Doesn't stop Kenta," responded Naruto. "But no. You see, Hishou has wagered that you will ruin things."

"What?! That bastard!" yelled Anselm.

"So, if you don't ruin things, not only will you have a memorable day, but Hishou will lose money."

"Now that's an incentive!" grinned Anselm.

The door pushed open, revealing Takahiro, who being the most familiar of the group with formal events, was looking like a king.

"Heh, holy hell Takahiro, I've seen lords dressed worse than that!" said Anselm. "Seriously, I'm the groom here, I'm supposed to look the best!"

"The sight of Anselm, Kenta, and Hishou dressed formally will be a memory of mine till my dying day," said Takahiro.

"The memory at my dying day will be me and my king drunk," said Anselm, fondly musing over past days.

"Now that sounds like an interesting story," said Takahiro.

"Yeah, it is," smiled Anselm. "Well, this was back when I was a bodyguard for the King in my homeland. Me, the King and his other bodyguard, Gawain had had to go listen to this really boring sermon by the Arch-whatever-he's-called and so we decided to go out drinking. Eight different girls made out with me that day-"

Anselm shrieked. "Look at me!" he cried. "I'm thinking of other girls on my wedding day!"

"The King went out drinking with you?" said Takahiro. "Was everyone in your country like you?"

Anselm broke out his shrieks, his face hardened. "No," was all he said, and Takahiro easily sensed he was stepping onto dangerous territory.

"Takahiro, do you have a message?"asked Naruto, changing the subject.

Takahiro clapped a hand to his forehead. "Curses, we're late! I had to bring Anselm, it's starting!"

"Holy shit!" screamed Anselm.

And suddenly, an explosion rocked the building.

"I guess I'd better say that again. Holy shit!"

"What on-" managed Takahiro, kicking the door open, only to see a barricade of thugs standing there.

"Well, it would appear we've found some gate-crashers," remarked Naruto, stepping out of the room with his cane. A blade burst out of the end, forming a cane-blade. "I trust you two will help me escort these felons out?"

Anselm grabbed his broadsword that lay on the table. He didn't have enough time to get some armour or other weapons.

Takahiro opened his cane, revealing a sword inside. He attached the empty sheath by his belt and raised the blade.


"Who are you!?" demanded Yuzuki.

"We need some leverage on your fiancée and his friends," said the ninja, before he broke out into a grin. "And besides, you're hot. Priest, let's continue the wedding!"

The priest scratched his chin, and looked at the numerous ninja holding the guests hostage, and the numerous weapons they had. "Okay."

The ninja and some his comrades dragged Yuzuki up the aisle, one of them being skilled enough to stop her channelling chakra into her hands, and two holding her arms.

"We are gathered here together to join medic-nin Yuzuki Hayashi and-"

"It's Dai. Hiro Dai," said the nin.

"and kunoichi Dai Hiro." The priest stopped. "I'm sorry, it's the hair," he said, gesturing to Dai's long brown hair.

Dai raised an eyebrow.

"shinobi Dai Hiro, in the bonds of holy matrimony-"

Yuzuki ceased struggling and shouted: "Stop this! Can't you see I love Anselm?!"

"Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which is nothing to do with love, please be quiet!"

"Sorry about her," said Dai.

"Don't be sorry, be quiet!" shouted the priest.

"SORRY!"

The priest jumped in shock, and re-started. "In the bonds of holy- MOLY!" he shouted, as an explosion sounded outside the door.

"Matrimony!-" he continued.

"It's Anselm!" said Yuzuki, before disabling the two ninja holding her, her chakra control good enough to finally restore chakra usage in her hands.

"That's it!" shouted the priest. "No more interruptions! I'll give you the short version! Dai, do you take Yuzuki to be your lawful wedded wife?!"

"Yeah!"

"Do you take Dai-!?"

The door broke open. "No she doesn't!" screamed Anselm.

Numerous crossbow bolts shot past from behind Anselm, all hitting the enemy ninja.

Anselm, Naruto and Takahiro finished cleaning up any leftovers and tossed them out the door or windows, before striding up to the front, Takahiro jumping into a seat as he passed.

"Anselm!" roared Dai, the only who hadn't been hit. "I shall revenge myself on you for what you did to me!"

"Who are you?" said Anselm blankly.

"You don't remember me!? I am the one-"

Dai was cut off as Anselm slit his throat and tossed him through the window.

"Who the hell are you?!" said the priest.

"I'm the groom, idiot! Sir Anselm Blackwood, former Knight from the West!"

"I'm sick of this!" cried the priest. "I don't give a damn who it is but I'm gonna marry someone today! Who are you!?" he yelled at Naruto.

"I'm the best man, Naruto Uzumaki," said Naruto, before stepping out of the way.

"Okay! Here we go! The short, short version! Do you?!"

"Yes," said Anselm, staring at Yuzuki's...eyes.

"Do you?!"

"Yes!" said Yuzuki happily.

"Good! You're married! Kiss her!"

"I love you," said Anselm, as he wrapped Yuzuki up in an embrace.

"I love you too," smiled Yuzuki, as the two leant into a kiss.

The guests began applauding, as if the ninja had never held anyone hostage. Naruto smiled at the two, clapping lightly.

"Well, how about that," said Kenta, idly smoking a cigarette. You see, Kenta had given up smoking when he married, but having to spend time around Naruto, one of the world's greatest smokers, meant that he had to resume his habit. "Anselm didn't screw up."

Hishou, who had actually fallen asleep until Anselm burst in (explaining why he hadn't massacred the ninja for attempting to hold him hostage) gave a regretful sigh. "Great. Looks like Naruto's won another bet."

Michiko looked up at the couple dreamily, most likely imagining herself with Naruto in the same position.

She was broken out of it when Kenta tapped ash off his cigarette onto her head.

To which she furiously replied by apparently increasing in strength tenfold, and grabbing Kenta and tossing him across the room.

Kenta smashed into the priest, who ended up throwing his heavy book across the room.

Which hit Anselm's head, and the Knight stumbled and fell to the ground.

Grabbing whatever he could to keep upright.

Which happened to be Yuzuki.

Which resulted in Yuzuki's head landing in Anselm's lap.

"Blackwood!" exclaimed Hishou, a smirk clearly visible due to the lack off his usual hood. "Wait until you get a room!"

"You bastard!" roared Anselm, before he gently pulled Yuzuki to her feet, and not-so-gently grabbing a bench and hurling it at Hishou.

As Hishou jumped to avoid the bench, it still hit Michiko, who jumped out of the rubble to hurl grenades at Anselm.

Anselm deflected them with his sword, sending them at Kenta.

And things just escalated from there. And in the midst of the chaos, Hishou smirked over at Naruto, clearly signifying he had won the bet.

Naruto gave a long sigh. Something told him he'd be smoking through all his tobacco tonight. And the orchestra group had been murdered, meaning he was going to have to use Shadow Clones instead.


OMAKE AN: Yes, I stole some of the wedding scene from Spaceballs. Sorry, but it was simply to funny to pass up. See if you can find it on Youtube or something.