~Lothlorien~
When the evening shadows fell, and the fair woods of Lothlorien grew quiet and sleepy, we went on to what appeared to me, to be the capital city of the Elves. Where time seemed to stand still. Our path now went into thickets where the dusk had already gathered. Night came beneath the trees as we walked, and the elves uncovered silver lamps.
Suddenly we came into the open again and found ourselves under a pale evening sky pricked by a few early stars. There was a wide, treeless space before us, running in a great circle and bending away on either hand. Beyond it was a deep channel lost in soft shadow, but the grass upon it's brink was green as if it glowed still with the memory of the sun. Upon the further side there rose to a great height, a green wall encircling a green hill thronged with the same silver trunked trees taller and wider than any I had yet seen in that land. Their height cound not be guessed for they stretched toward the heavens like the extended arms of the earth. In their ever many branches lights gleamed all around so that the trees themselves were like living reflections of the night sky. If I had tried to shut my eyes to the beauty of this place I would have failed misrably. I now understood why the elves liked to dance and sing in the woodlands, for in this place of enchanting beauty I had the very same urge. The majesty and wonder of this ageless place eveloped me completely.
"Welcome to Caras Galadhon!" said Haldir, turning to us. "Here is the city of the Galadhrim, where dwell the Lord Celeborn and Galadriel the Lady of Lorien. But we cannot enter here, for the gates do not look northward. We must go round to the southern side, and the way is not short for the city is great."
Along a delicate stone path he took us around the city, and as the night deepened, more lights sprang forth, so that the trees now seemed to glitter and sparkle. We came at last to a white bridge, and crossing it found ourselves at the gates of the city. They were tall and strong, hung with many lamps. Haldir knocked and spoke and the gates opened soundlessly and we passed them. They swung closed again. We were now in the city of the Trees and though we saw no one on the paths, we could hear many voices above and around us. Far away we could hear singing as well.
We walked many paths and climbed many stairs until we came to the high places and saw before us amid a wide plain, a fountain shimmering. It was lit by silver lamps that hung from the boughs of the trees and it fell into a basin of silver from which a white stream spilled. Upon the south side of the hill a great tree rose taller and at once more grand and more beautiful than all the others. A white stair wound its' way around the trunk of this tree in great spirals. At the foot of this stair were seated three Elves clad in grey mail and long white cloaks. They sprang to their feet as we approached with Haldir.
"Here dwellrr Celeborn and Galadriel. It is their wish that you should ascend and speak with them."
One of the elf wardens blew a short clear note on his horn, and it was answered three times from above.
"I will go first." said Haldir. "Let Frodo come next, and with him Legolas. The others may follow as they wish. It is a long climb for those who are not accustomed to such stairs, but you may rest upon the way."
I waited for only a short while before climing the great stair behind Legolas. It was indeed a long climb and I did have to stop along the way several times, but there was much to keep my mind occupied. I saw several more great platforms and many elves that looked at me in a curious way, yet somehow their gaze was knowing. When I finally reached the top I was greeted by name from the Lord Celeborn.
"Welcome, Shreya Jaidev, descendant of Brahma the Preserver from across the Sea. Three ages it has been since our people have had tidings from Imtros."
At these startling words I fell to my knees and bowed low to the Lord and Lady. So beautiful were they that I grew misty eyed in their glory.
"The Lord and Lady are too kind." I said humbly.
"Rise, Daughter of the Sea." He said.
I rose on weak legs and went to sit with the others. When we were all seated before the Lord and Lady, he looked at us again and spoke.
"Here there are nine. Ten set out from Rivendell: so said the messages. But maybe there has been some change of council that we have not yet heard. Elrond is far away and darkness gathers between us, and all this year shadows have grown longer."
"Nay, there was no change of council." said the Lady, speaking for the first time. "Gandalf the Grey set out with the company but he did not pass the borders of this land. Now tell us where he is; for I much desired to speak with him again. But I cannot see him from afar, unless he comes within the fences of Lothlorien: a grey mist is about him and the ways of his feet and of his mind are hidden from me."
I was in awe; could this great elf see beyond the veil of death?
"Alas!" cried Aragorn. "Gandalf the Grey fell into shadow. He remained in Moria and did not escape."
At these words the elves in the hall cried out in grief and amazement.
"These are evil tidings." said Celeborn. "the most evil that have been spoken here in long years full of grievous deeds."
He said something in elvish to Haldir.
"We have not spoken to Haldir of our deeds or our purpose." said Legolas, hurriedly explaining the reason for this.
We then recounted our tales briefly and a simple exchange of information ensued. The Lady was understanding and loving of us and I found simply that I liked her. There is no need to go into long and detailed accounts of my feelings toward the Lady, other than to say that in my direction she silently offered understanding and friendship. In fact, she quite reminded me of Arwen. As I sensed the meeting coming to a close she said to us,
"But I will say this to you: your quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the company is true."
And she looked into each pair of our eyes in turn, long and hard. When her gaze fell upon me, and the silver fountain of her eyes met the rippling waves of turquoise that were mine, I heard a whisper in my mind. It came from within me and yet it sounded foreign.
"Your love is now mingled with grief, child of the water. You feel torn between honor and longing. Tell me, if Legolas Thranduilion were to ask you to return with him to Mirkwood and abandon the Quest, would you accept?"
At these words, in my mind flashed all the scenes of my frequent fantasies and desires over the years. And I felt the great desire that had collected inside of me for so long. Then, unbidden came the memory of Gandalf speaking to me in Elrond's garden, and the image of Gandalf facing the Balrog on the bridge.
"No."
"Then doubt your intentions no longer." the whisper replied.
I nodded, and cast my eyes to the floor for they had become misty again.
Near the fountain I have mentioned, a pavillion was set for us to sleep in. In here the elves thoughtfully placed many soft couches. I felt as a bucket that had been drained, and I threw myself on one of these couches and said nothing at all as the company discussed the night before, only thought of the hands that held me steady in the darkness. The discussion soon turned to the words the Lady had put in our minds, and I quickly pretended to have fallen asleep. It seemed that she had offered everyone the choice of something he greatly desired over continuing the quest. They agreed that this had been some kind of test of hers, though Boromir thought she had some ulterior motive. This notion was quickly squashed by Aragorn, like it was a dangerous insect. At that point, I truthfully fell asleep.
The days in the Lorien were beautiful and the nights were peaceful, but even here, in this enchanted place my heart still stirred and longed for something more. With no threats here to keep me distracted, I found it impossible to keep my thoughts away from Legolas. So much so that when the others walked through the lands I did not go with them, but chose to walk on my own and try to flee my misery. But of course, we can never escape the misery that resides within us. Legolas was gone much of the time with the other elves, and I couldn't help but think that was where he belonged. We would always belong with our own, never with one another in the eyes of the world. I had tears at these thoughts and stayed away from the pavillion for the remainder of that night. The others knew or guessed that I was troubled, but while they mourned the loss of Gandalf, none spoke to me about it.
One night, nearing the end of our stay, when the elves had brought our dinner down I asked them if there was a place that I could bathe, for my skin was dry and my clothes were soiled. They smiled and directed me to a small pool in a bed of stone quite some ways from the pavillion. Legolas would be eating with us that night and so I left without eating, for I feared that if I looked at him my eyes would tell all that I felt.
The pool was in a small thicket well hidden from all. It was deep and it steamed and small bubbles rose to its surfaces from little cracks in the bottom of it. I had seen hot springs like this before, and thanked the elves most graciously for allowing me to use it. They smiled that queer, knowing smile of theirs and excused themselves.
The night was one of the cooler ones and the lights in the trees made the water sparkle like liquid diamond. I disrobed with an almost indecent haste, for I so longed to feel water on my skin again. It rained here in Lothlorien from time to time but it was never enough to satisfy me. I washed the outer robe first and hung it over a branch to dry. Then, after I had washed the shirt and the pants and hung those too, I stood, naked on the side of the pool looking into its water. Then for the first time in ages it seemed, I smiled, savoring the moment before my skin would be quenched.
When I jumped in it felt as though I was reuniting with myself from another time. I swam to the bottom, allowing my long hair to become fully saturated. We of the Isle of Imtros can hold our breath for as long as we please, and no matter how long we remain in the water, our skin never prunes. I sat on the bottom of the pool for quite some time, letting my hair flow around me, and enjoying the weightless feeling of the water. I swam in circles, twisting and turning my body this way and that. I had never felt better during my stay in Lothlorien than I had in the pool. Its waters were refreshing, warm and cleansing. The tiny bubbles clung to my skin, lifting the soil and much of my worries for a short time. After I had bathed to my hearts content, I stepped out and felt the fabric of my garments. Only the outer robe and sash had dried and so I put those on and waited for the others to dry. Night had completely fallen by this time, and so after waiting a long while it seemed, I drifted off, for I had slept poorly for the last few nights.
I was roused by Legolas, who had laid a hand on my shoulder. I know it was Legolas because when I lifted my head, I saw him looking down at me. I stood up and apologized for falling asleep, thinking I had stumbled into one of my own dreams.
"What is amiss?" I asked thinking that he'd been sent to tell me something disturbing. His face was calm, and he was dressed in a silver shirt of the kind the other elves of Lothlorien wear.
"Haldir and his company saw a hawk flying over the wood. They thought it was an enemy spy and shot it down."
"Osira..." I said quietly.
"When they found it, they saw that it bore a message and brought it to the Lord and Lady. The Lady read this message and called for me. She asked me to bring it to you."
He held the small scroll out to me. I took it gingerly. It said,
I hope you are well little sister. Father and Mother have returned home. Father has now declared you bansihed and exiled as our law stipulates. I have stayed behind in Rivendell hoping to hear from you. I know that you will find what it is that you are looking for. I send this with love little sister, for no law can change our kinship. Fare well little sister. May you always find what you seek.
I looked up and saw that Legolas was watching me intently. I looked away into the trees.
"My father has banished me." I said finally, feeling the familiar despair. "I have deserted... and am past all forgivness."
"No," he said suddenly. I looked at him and he was looking at me with a fire in his eyes. "I am the one who must be forgiven."
"I do not understand." I said. This I said with complete honesty. The moment had taken on a surreal quality, and I wondered again whether this was not a dream.
"Perhaps..." he said, looking at me almost beseechingly. "If you had only known the truth."
"The truth?" I said...for I could think of nothing else to say. He looked away from me then. He smiled faintly, staring at nothing in particular. He looked as though he were recalling something that pleased him; a joyful memory.
"Some years ago..." he began. "I was on my way back to my Father's home in Mirkwood. I saw a mortal girl weeping beneath our beech tree. I stopped to restore the smile to her fair face."
He looked at me again, a warm smile on his face. My chest felt tight. I was rooted to the spot, standing in front of him. Finally I managed to swallow the lump of emotion that was lodged in my thoat and spoke quietly,
"You...remember me?"
"How could I not?" he said. "I have met so many men, and all find it difficult to look me in the eyes for longer than a moment. All so deceitful. Yet here was a child who was willing to allow me to see straight into her. Did you never wonder why my father had asked yours to return to Mirkwood?"
I could not look at him any longer, for I feared if I did, I might float away into the starry night and never be seen again.
"I wish only that you might have told me long ago." I said at last.
"What could I do?" he said desperately."Your father would have never allowed you to leave him...and so...I stood aside."
I felt him move closer to me.
"But I cannot any longer. I have hope..."
I heard him shifting his clothes slightly. I looked at him and saw that he held the twig of beech blossoms in his hand.
"...that it is not too late."
I looked at my now battle worn hands, seeing them for the first time as hands that Legolas had made.
"Every step I have taken," I whispered. "Since I was that child under the tree, has been in the hope of bringing myself closer to you."
When I said these words, I felt all the heat of my body rise into my face. I felt I might float up into the air like a piece of ash from a fire, unless I could find something to focus on. I looked down at the pool, knowing that every longing thought I'd had over the last (decade) was now bubbling to the surface. I tried to locate every crack in the bottom of the spring, but already it was becoming glazed and hazy.
"Be not afraid to look upon me...Aearelen."
I wanted so desperately to look at Legolas, but I could not.
"It is a strange fate," he said almost to himself, taking a step toward me. "That one who looked me so frankly in the eye as a girl cannot bring herself to do it now as a woman."
Perhaps it ought to have been a simple task to raise my eyes and look at Legolas; and yet somehow I couldn't have felt more nervous than if I stood in the middle of a grand hall in front of a city of stangers. We stood beside the pool, so close that when at length I wiped my eyes and raised them to meet his, I could see the dark navy rings around his irises. So close now that I could smell his scent of the forest. He tenderly reached up and gathered me up in his arms as he might a blanket. In a moment our faces were so close, I could feel the warmth of his skin. I was still struggling to understand what had happened to me, and what I ought to do or say. And then Legolas pulled me closer, and he kissed me.
This kiss, the first real one of my life, seemed to me more intimate than anything I'd ever experienced. I had the feeling that I was taking something from Legolas, and that he was giving something to me, something more private than anything I'd been given before. There was a certain very startling taste, as distinctive as any fruit or sweet, and when I tasted it, my shoulders sagged and my stomach welled up. For the kiss recalled to my mind dozens of different things I couldn't think why I should remember. I thought of the waves crashing into the sand of Imtros. I saw in my mind the head of steam that gushes forth when one lifts the lid off a pot. I'm sure I thought of a hundred other things besides, for it was as if all the boundaries of my mind had broken down and all my memories had run free. But then Legolas leaned back away from me again, with one of his hands upon my neck. He was so close I could see the moisture glistening on his lip and still smell the kiss that had just ended. I was so overcome with relief that I could not stop the tears that spilled from the corners of my eyes. He kissed the tears that rolled freely down my cheeks and held fast to me, as if now that he had me, he would never again let me go.
We walked then through the sparkling silver woods of Lothlorien, his hand in mine. We said nothing, only savored the sensation of being together at last. Everything that I gazed upon seemed beautiful in a way that it hadn't before.
At length we came to a patch of the ever green grass circled by a small ring of very young trees. It was here that we rested. I truly believed, that while I lay there with my head on his chest, I heard all the grieving voices within me fall silent. For ever since the day I'd left Mirkwood, I'd done nothing but worry that every turn of life's wheel would bring yet another obstacle into my path. And of course it was the worry and the struggle that had made my journeys to, and within Middle Earth so vividly real to me, as my days in Imtros had never been. When we fight upstream against a rocky undercurrent, every foothold takes on a kind of urgency.
He said to me later as we walked back to the pavillion that he now felt like a tree whose roots had at last broken into the rich, wet, deep soil beneath the surface. I said that before I came to Mirkwood I'd felt like I'd been plummeting towards the rocks at the base of the sea cliffs, and that he had stepped out to catch me.
I write these words now with a peaceful heart. A heart that is at rest in the warm comforting glow of love that is returned at last. I am no longer afraid, though I know there is still much to fear. I cannot say what guides us in this life, but I know now that for me I fell toward this Elven prince just as a stone must fall toward the earth. When my father had shouted at me during the Council of Elrond, when Gandalf spoke words of courage to me in the garden, it was all like a stream that falls over rocky cliffs before it can reach the ocean.
I know not what the future brings for this quest, but I will walk from the Lorien with no fear in my heart. For now it is flooded with love. It is possible that I walk to my doom, but no despair stirrs now in my heart. For good or for ill, I will keep to this path. While everything that ever happened to me beforehand was dictated by someone else, I chose this path. And I shall follow it, with Legolas at my side.
