One Week of Wonder


8. Mabel's in a Jam

(August 24, 2015)


Part 5: Ready to Rumble

From the Journals of Dipper Pines: Monday, afternoon—Wendy and I knew we had to hurry, but based on what Teek had said, we also had to make at least one stop. Wendy warped her car down that narrow, root-bumpy, overgrown lane like a pro—I couldn't have done it. Heck, it was hard doing it in the golf cart that time!

Luckily, the Gnomes heard the engine and began to pop out of the trees to see what was invading their territory. I rolled down the window and yelled, "It's Dipper Pines! I have to see Jeff right away! I need his help!"

Now, since the Gnomes started to join in the everyday society of Gravity Falls, there are three things they won't turn down: Pie. Mushrooms. And a plea for help. They have some paranormal way of their own for communicating, and before we got to the only wide place in the lane, we saw Jeff, the badger queen, and Shmebulock standing waiting for us. Wendy braked, I jumped out, and in only a few words I told Jeff what had happened.

He slapped his forehead. "I said just a lick! I should have been more specific!" he said. He sighed. "Shmebulock, you take charge of getting the Queen home. Stop at the work site first and appoint—oh, heck, why not? Appoint Steve the temporary foreman."

"Shmebulock!" Shmebulock protested as he took the Queen's leash.

"Yeah, I know he's the most incompetent. That's why I'm promoting him. He'll probably cause less trouble if he's just giving orders. Tell everybody else to ignore him and do the job the way they know how. I'll be back as soon as I can get back."

I helped Jeff into the car, and he sat beside me and next to Wendy. "First time I've had a real ride in one of these," he said. "I've been on trains before, but I've always wanted to ride in a car! With a beautiful girl! Uh, one of you IS a girl, right?"

Wendy did a six-point turnaround in the narrow lane. I explained that Wendy was indeed a beautiful girl. Jeff said, "It's hard to tell with biggers. But I'm glad it's her, 'cause I'm more attracted to her than to you, Dipper. Wendy, let me just say hubba-hubba."

He's as bad as Mabel at coming up with these weird old words. I don't know where he picks them up. I think in the off season he plays cards with Grunkle Stan.

Jeff liked the ride, and his only complaint was that with his seatbelt buckled, he couldn't see much. He enjoyed the race back down the lane, with all its bumps, the way a human kid likes a roller-coaster ride.

As soon as I had good cell reception, I called Teek. "Where are you?"

"At the high school!" Teek said, sounding sort of frayed. "Athletic field! Mabel's set a speed record on the track, and we're trying to put her sneakers out. They caught fire!"

Oh, man. I told Wendy, and she bounced up the hill onto the Shack parking lot, raced down the driveway, and made the turn for town. Teek filled me in on what had happened, and as soon as I turned off my phone, I relayed to Jeff what Teek had said about the jams that Mabel had picked up from the girl Gnomes.

"A pot each of all four jams? They're not meant for humans!" Jeff said. "I told her, just a tiny lick—and I meant a Gnome-sized lick! She got four whole pots?"

"And she's sampled the strawberry one twice," I said.

"We don't have strawberry jam," Jeff said. "Well, we do, but it's strictly a funeral jam. It just demonstrates mourning, it doesn't give you any powers. From what you say, she must've eaten some strongberry." He emphasized the pronunciation.

"And what does it do?" Wendy asked.

"Gives you terrific strength and stamina. But then you crash. The only cure's to sleep it off, usually for a Gnome about three hours of sleep. With the amount Mabel ate, I don't know, it might take a whole day and a night. I just hope she doesn't sample any of the rest!"

"What are they?" I asked.

"Well, let's see. Today the ladies were making graspberry jam, grope jam, and boobberry jam."

"What do they do?" Wendy asked.

"Graspberry just makes you really adept at climbing trees. Your feet get thumbs, and you grow a temporary tail. One dose lasts for a day. That's for when we're building summer nests in trees. Grope—uh, how old are you?"

"Old enough!" Wendy snapped.

"OK, OK. Grope makes boy and girl Gnomes feel, uh—frisky? Is that a word, frisky? It gets them really interested in reproduction. Enthusiastic about the whole process. And able to do it for hours. It's what young Gnomes eat on their wedding night, if you get my drift. And it helps the girl Gnomes have babies. They're more likely to become mothers if they eat a little of the jam before, you know."

"God, I hope we get to her before she tastes that!" I said.

Wendy asked, "And boobberry?"

"Um, teen girl Gnomes take that. It makes them grow. Not taller. But it's boobberry, so they, uh, get bigger. Uh, in certain places."

"Dibs on that when we find her!" Wendy said.

I said, "No way!"

Wendy laughed a little. "Just messin' with you. There's the school."


Wendy slewed the car around in a skidding park that raised a drift of dust, and they all jumped out, including Jeff, who, like all Gnomes, could leap astonishing distances and land without hurting himself. Except this time. He tripped on a pebble and bumped his nose on the curb, which led to some arcane cursing in Gnomish, but he was otherwise all right.

They found Mabel, Teek, and Grenda on the athletic field. Mabel was barefoot, her ruined and blackened shoes lying off to one side near a hose. "Come on!" she was yelling. "It's just for fun! Both of you at once!"

"Oh, no, we're too late!" Dipper groaned.

"I can wrestle both of you and pin you both!"

"Maybe not," Wendy said. "Mabel's barefoot."

"Her shoes caught fire," Dipper said, pointing.

"Oh, man! Her new ones?"

"Don't think so. Those are so burned I can't tell. She and Teek went for a walk, though, so probably not. Her old sneakers, I'd guess."

"Jeff, what's wrong with her?" Wendy asked. "She doesn't even sound like herself."

"She's got jam rage," Jeff said. "Happens to Gnomes, too, if they eat more than one serving of strongberry. This is going to be ticklish." He glanced around at Wendy and Dipper. "Uh—I'm going to try something, but none of this goes anywhere, OK? I could be deposed or worse for what I'm going to try."

Wendy mimed zipping her lip. When Jeff looked baffled, Dipper said, "She means we won't say a word."

"OK," Jeff said. "Let's go."

He led the way. When the three had gone halfway to the group, Mabel noticed them. "Brobro!" she yelled. "The awesomest thing has happened. I'm Super Mabel now! Come on and wrestle me!"

"Hello, darling!" Jeff yelled.

Mabel evidently had overlooked him. "Jeff? Hi! You guys make splendiferous jam!"

"Yes, we do. Glad you liked it, my love."

Mabel held up her arms like a bodybuilder flaunting her muscles. "It gave me super—wait, what? What you talking about? Darling? Love?"

Jeff got to within a few feet of her and knelt on the grass. "Oh, Mabel! I wish you had married us back when you first came to Gravity Falls! I lost my heart to you. There's a reason why I never took a Gnome wife. I have to admit it—I'm still in love with you!"

Grenda looked at Mabel. "Want me to stomp him into the ground for you?"

Mabel waved her off. "Look, Jeff, I know I'm irresistible, but don't you remember? It would never work out. I'm a girl, you're a Gnome . . . I like you, but I don't love you."

"Hmm," Jeff said. "It's so hard to give you up. Send me away with at least a little something to cheer me up. Could we be smooch buddies?"

"I don't think so," Mabel said. "Teek wouldn't like that."

Teek shook his head, then when Wendy gave him a side-eye, he nodded. "Uh—at least hear him out," Teek suggested.

Jeff said, "When we Gnomes court other Gnomes, we have a little ritual. Let's you and me wrestle. If you pin me, then it's all off. If I pin you, I get that one single kiss you never gave me—yeah, I remember the leaf blower! That thing sucked!"

Mabel laughed. "Oh, man, Jeff, you don't want to do that! You have no idea how strong I am now!"

"I'll take that chance," Jeff said. "Dipper, would you hold my hat? One fall! Just one fall! And it's all for love!"

Mabel shrugged, grinning ominously. "I've always been a romantic girl! OK, but I may smoosh you! Yell loud when I hurt you!" She started toward him in a crouch.

"Hold on, hold on," Jeff said. "The ritual says I get a spoonful of strongberry jam first. Got any?"

Mabel stopped. "What?"

"You've had some. The ritual says the guy and girl both get one spoonful. Then the wrestling begins. Come on, it's Gnome tradition! We good on that?"

"Teek," Mabel said, "get the jam from my bag. It's the jar with the red string."

Teek rummaged and found the earthenware pot and handed it to Jeff. "Spoon?" Jeff asked.

"Uh, it's probably down in here somewhere—"

"Let me look," Wendy said, reaching for the bag. She glanced at Mabel. "Guys and purses, huh, Mabes?"

"Tell me about it!" Mabel said.

Wendy took about three seconds. "This little wooden thing?"

"That's it," Jeff said. As he faced her and reached for the jar and spoon, he mouthed, Keep the bag! Then he held the jar up, murmured a Gnomish incantation, and said, "To the winner belongs the kiss or the refusal!" He scooped up a scant spoonful—a tiny amount—of the jam and ate it. "Give me a minute," he said. "You others, step back and give us room. Dipper, don't let my hat touch the ground! No matter what happens, hold onto my hat!"

"OK," Dipper said, mystified. Evidently Gnomes had traditions about hats, too. The others stepped back—they were standing on the football field, though the chalk lines had faded completely out over the summer—and Jeff went through a stretching routine.

Then the Gnome said, "Ready! Uh—Teek? Teek, count down. Start with a big number. Three?"

"Three . . . two . . . one!" Teek said.

Mabel startled Dipper. She leaped like a leopard, flinging herself on Jeff—except the Gnome wasn't there when she pounced. He had zipped to one side. He danced around with his arms spread out. "Come on, come on, show me what you got!" he taunted. "I'm so gonna kiss you!"

Mabel laughed and approached him more slowly. She reached for him—and he seized her wrist, set his legs, and threw her.

"Hey!" Dipper said. "Don't hurt her!" Mabel had turned a complete somersault and landed on her back.

"Can't hurt her when she's like this!" Jeff yelled. "Whoa!"

Mabel had surged up, grabbed his leg, and swung him overhead three times before slamming him down. He whuffed as he crashed to earth, but the moment he hit, he rolled to one side just as Mabel tried to pin him down with her hand.

To her surprise, Jeff climbed her arm and scurried under her hair in the back.

"Come out from there!" Mabel yelled.

"Maiden, do you yield?" Jeff yelled from somewhere in the brown thicket.

"Never!"

Wendy said to Dipper, "If I wasn't worried about Mabel, this would be so funny!"

Mabel looked as if she were wrestling herself, reaching back with both flailing arms, spinning around, doing cartwheels, trying to dislodge the stubborn Gnome. Grenda asked anxiously, "Can you fix her?"

"We're trying," Dipper told her. "Uh-oh!"

Mabel had come up with the idea of running backward at the flagpole, obviously intending to squish Jeff. She hurled herself through the air, hit hard enough to bend the metal flagpole back about ten degrees—and realized that Jeff had dropped off at the last moment. Now he was in front of her again.

"You are so gonna regret this!" Mabel said with a vicious edge of humor that Dipper had never heard in her voice. She lunged again.

And missed again. Jeff streaked over and grabbed her left ankle. She picked up her foot and tried to kick him loose.

He wrapped his legs around her ankle, dangled, and with his hands started to tickle the sole of her bare foot. "No fair!" she yelled. She hopped backward, lost her footing, and fell on her back.

Immediately Jeff scrambled up, grabbed both her ears, and said, "I win!" He leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth.

"Blarrggh!" Mabel yelled. As Jeff leapt free, she started to rub her mouth. "I'm gonna murder you!" She got up.

Teek stepped in. "Please don't," he said.

"I'm going to totally stomp—" Mabel blinked. In a voice more like herself, she asked, "What? Why?"

Teek put his hands on her shoulders. "Don't do it, Mabel. Because I'm asking you."

Mabel sounded pouty: "But I'm stronger than he is! I know I am!"

"Yes, but the girl I love wouldn't fight unfairly," Teek said. "And she'd graciously admit defeat."

"Defeat? He cheated! He tickled my—wait, what?"

"Mabel Pines," Teek said, "I love you."

Her mouth fell open, and Teek took advantage to pull her close and kiss her. She melted, wrapping her arms around him.

"She's losing it," Jeff said, still panting. "I could feel her starting to weaken. You're going to have to help her soon."

The kiss ended. Mabel said, "Wah-wah-wow! I feel so . . . so dizzy . . .."

And she collapsed into Teek's arms, a blissful smile on her face.

"Guys!" Teek said, struggling to support the limp girl.

"I got this," Grenda told him. She picked up a loose, unconscious Mabel. "What now?"

"My car's in the lot," Wendy said. "Jeff, what do we do?"

"Keep her in bed for a whole day," Jeff said as he took his cap back from Dipper and pulled it on. "Keep her warm. Make her drink lots of water. I don't know—how much do humans usually drink at one time?"

"Uh, eight, twelve ounces," Dipper said. He held his hands a few inches apart. "A glass about so big."

"I would be up all night," Jeff said. "OK, you're bigger, so it makes sense. Make her drink at least one whole glassful of water every time she wakes up. No solid food until tomorrow, but lots of water. She'll doze and wake and probably won't be able to get out of bed without help until some time tomorrow, so she'll need help, uh, getting rid of the water, let's say. Giant girl, carry her to the car. Teek, you come, too. Is there room for everybody?"

"That's OK," Grenda said. "I want to walk back home. I need some time to process all this."

"Don't judge Mabel by what she did today," Jeff said. "The jam makes even tough Gnomes go a little nuts. It's no wonder a frail human couldn't handle it. Even one as wonderful as Mabel."

"Oh, she's still my best friend!" Grenda said. "But—nobody's ever beat me at arm-wrestling before! It's a lot to think about."

At the Shack, Jeff said he didn't need a ride back to the forest. Gnomes had their own paranormal ways of moving fast when on home ground. He waved goodbye and left them, immediately vanishing in the brush.

Soos came out and carried Mabel to her room, and Wendy tucked her in. Mabel looked completely exhausted, her face slack and pale, her skin a little clammy. "Uh," Teek said, "could I just sit with her? I'll leave the door open."

"Sure, dawg," Soos said. "What happened to her?"

"She got herself into a jam," Wendy said. "She's all tired out, not sick, and she'll be OK, but we have to take care of her until tomorrow."

Back in the parlor, Dipper said, "Whoosh! Mabel's got to learn to watch out for things like that. She eats anything at least once, and she has kind of an addictive personality. Oh, hey, you didn't give the jam back to Jeff!"

"Forgot," Wendy said. "I'll take care of it, though. I'll make sure that Mabes doesn't get her hands on any more of it, too."

"Get rid of the stuff," Dipper said. "Throw it in the Bottomless Pit."

"Thought I'd hang onto the boobberry," Wendy said. "Wouldn't you like me with a figure more like Pacifica's?"

Dipper made a face. "Honestly? You can't improve perfection."

"Aw." She ruffled his hair and kissed his birthmark. "Dipper—you're really learning how to make a girl feel good."

"Well," he said, blushing a little, "I'm trying!"