Hello my lovelies! Long long time no see! I seriously love this story, and I think I'll take a break from my Rise of the Guardians Fanfic to write a few more chapters of this one and my other Artemis Fowl Fanfic which, if you don't know, is called Artemis Fowl: the Child in Me.

I want to apologize to my readers and Favoriters and Reviewers, of which there aren't many, for neglecting my Artemis Fowl stories. I have no excuses! Beat me with sticks for forgetting this story!

OK, maybe don't. Anyway, here's the next thrilling chapter for The Mystery in the Mulch!

Enjoy!


"THERE you are!" Juliet's voice said as Artemis pushed through the door to his apartment, closely followed by Holly.

Neither of them had spoken much on their walk back to the hotel, but Holly's head was brimming with questions. Most of then centered around Artemis's new physique and how he'd attained it so quickly. The last time she'd seen the mud boy was a few months ago, and he'd still been a skinny pale-faced mud boy with the coordination skills of a stinkworm playing soccer.

"Here we are." Artemis agreed as he headed over to his bed and kicked off his shoes.

Holly pulled up a chair and sat down at the small table provided in Artemis's room, her eyes fixed on the pale-faced youth.

Not a youth for much longer, her irritating yet accurate brain said. I'll have to start calling him mud man more often.

Juliet came through a small swinging door, holding an almost dry sauce pan and wearing a white apron with the words Kiss The Cook printed in thick black letters. "Hi guys! Have a nice day at work, Arty?"

Artemis looked up, caught sight of her apron, and sighed. "Juliet, I would prefer you not wear that thing in my presence. People might think we know each other."

Holly giggled. "Burn." She said, laughing.

Juliet frowned and looked down at her apron with a confused expression on her face. "Why? What's wrong with it?"

Artemis didn't comment. The silence was filled by Holly's chuckling.

Juliet pouted for a minute, then she put the pan down on the table Holly was sitting at and slipped off the apron. "Fine. I just didn't want to get my shirt wet." She mumbled.

"Incidentally," Artemis said, looking up at her once the offending apron was shoved in a cabinet. "Why are you drying a sauce pan, Juliet?"

Juliet looked up from her squatted position in front of a third level drawer where she was fumbling through some silverware. She had a broad grin on her face. "Well, you do want to eat, right?"

Holly's head snapped up. "Eat? Food?" She said excitedly. She sounded like a parrot, Artemis thought, smiling slightly.

Juliet smiled and said, "Yes fairy girl. Food. Since I'm fairly certain Artemis doesn't even know how to cook and Butler would probably make us all some fancy-shmansy dinner that none of us can pronounce, I decided to take it upon myself to make dinner for us all."

Artemis looked up from the bookshelf that he was re-organizing to pass the time and said hotly, "I do indeed know how to cook. I've made sandwiches for myself on many occasions."

Holly chuckled when she pictured Artemis wearing Juliet's apron, making a towering sandwich that had everything from chicken wings, with the bones, to sauerkraut.

Juliet gave him a knowing look and said, "Three times isn't many occasions, Arty. Besides, I like cooking!" She said happily as she grabbed another pot from a shelf. "It calms the mind, Butler says."

Artemis stood up, surveying the room. "And where is Butler?" He asked.

"For that matter, where's Root?" Holly interjected, looking around and noticing her Commander's lack of presence for the first time since they'd arrived.

"Oh, they're both in Butler's room, trading war stories." Juliet said, waving a dismissive hand at the door. "Butler told me to tell him when you two came in. Speaking of which," she said, setting down the pan and heading towards the door. "I should probably go tell him now. I'll be back in a minute. Don't kill each other while I'm gone," She said, winking at Artemis and giving Holly a toothy grin.

Artemis just sighed and Holly rolled her eyes. Juliet was like the sister she'd never had.

Artemis was thinking more along the lines of, Juliet is worse than Mother. Always assuming I'm going to pick a fight with Holly.

Holly glanced around Artemis's room once more. She was amazed by how big it was. His bed was over in one corner, and shelves of books that Artemis had brought from Ireland were screwed to the east wall. There was the blue swinging door that Juliet had just come through, which led to a small kitchen, Holly suspected. And another door that was brown wood and most likely led to a bathroom. There was a table, a few chairs, and even a TV, tucked away in a corner.

Holly thought it resembled her apartment back home. Only hers was much smaller. There were thick, red curtains over the windows and, since the sun was up and bright, light seeped through and tainted the green painted walls slightly pink. Eventually her gaze turned back to Artemis, laying on his bed and, to fill the silence she asked, "So, how was work?"

Artemis looked up from the book he'd picked up and replied, "Fine," then he'd lowered his gaze to the book again.

Holly walked over to his bed and climbed up next to him. "Good book?" She asked, peering at the inside of the book, which was covered in weird pictures and equations and words she had no idea how to pronounce and she was sure were in a different language.

"It poses the theory of inter-dimensional void transportation verses interplanetary void transportation," Artemis said without looking up from his book. "The two are completely dissimilar. So no, not really."

Holly sighed. "OK, I get it. You want to be left alone mud boy. Done." She slid across to the edge of the bed and stood up, heading towards the door.

Artemis looked up, confusion etched across his pale features. "What? Holly-"

Holly turned around and raised an eyebrow. "Yes, Artemis?"

Artemis knew she was trying to coax some sort of conversation or reaction out of him, and he knew she must feel bored, but just because he sympathized with her it didn't make her pestering him any less annoying.

He tried to smile like a normal person and said, "Just because I am reading doesn't mean I am not listening. I actually trained myself to carry on whole conversations while simultaneously reading and storing information inside my brain. If you want to talk, I'd be glad to oblige." He set his book down and picked up another two volumes, bound in red fabric with golden titles. "Or, if you'd like something else to occupy your time, I have some books on bio-luminescent flora and fauna."

Holly gave him a cynical look and he put the books back in their place, smiling. "Or, maybe not." He conceded.

"Doesn't it ever occur to you, Artemis, that you should talk to people more often?" Holly asked, walking back to the bed and climbing back up next to him.

Artemis picked up the book he'd been reading and opened it to the page he'd marked. "No, funnily enough it has not, Holly." He said, taking out the slim bookmark and placing it beside him on the bed. "Doubtless you and the rest of the world can handle speaking with individuals of lower or equal intelligence, but I find it troubling and often tiresome. Truth be told, some of the more intelligent conversations I've had have been with myself."

Holly laughed. Then she frowned, suspecting Artemis might just have called her dumb. "Well, I suppose that means you think I am one of those beings with equal or lower intelligence." She said, folding her arms and putting on a grouchy face.

Artemis laughed. "Yes, Holly. I'm afraid you are. Equal, barely. Lower, most likely."

Holly's expression became sullen and Artemis looked up from his book with a small smile on his face. "You shouldn't feel too bad, Holly. Remember, not even Foaly is rival to my intellect. And I'm certain that, given the right conditions, I could surpass even Opal Koboi."

Holly looked up to see Artemis frown, then a thoughtful expression came over his face. "Of course," He mused. "Then I would have to have a complete lack of morals, a fiendish desire for power, a case of criminal insanity, a complete disregard for life or humanity-"

"Don't you already have all those things?" Holly interrupted, smiling smugly.

"Well, the lack of morals, yes, but certainly not the desire for power or criminal insanity. I'd like to think you know me better than that, Holly."

"Oh? And what about the disregard for life or humanity?" Holly asked, poking him in the shoulder.

Artemis rubbed his arm. "That's becoming a bad habit, Captain Short." He said, reproachfully. Holly shrugged, still smiling.

"I poke everyone. What's so special about you?" She said, poking him again.

"Holly, please," Artemis said, rubbing his arm again. "I'm sure you can choose an alternative way of expressing yourself. Do so, and save my shoulder the barrage of poking it is sure to receive."

Holly's smile grew and she gave his arm another poke. "If I want to poke someone, I will! And just because he asks me to stop using fancy mud-man English doesn't mean I will!" She poked him again, and again, and again!

"Holly, please, my arm is becoming numb!" Artemis said, moving about a foot over to the left in an effort to get away from Holly's poking. Her fingers were sharp!

"Oh no, you're not gonna escape me that way, mud boy!" She said, letting out a laugh that Artemis found disturbingly similar to the cry of a hawk swooping down on it's prey and, quite literally, pounced on him!

"Hol-" Was all he managed to get out before she jumped on him and started poking gleefully. His book slid to the floor, forgotten.

"Think of this as revenge for all those snide comments and ribbings," Holly said as she pinned his legs by sitting on them and poked all over. She poked his arms, his chest, and virtually everywhere else, leaving small red marks all over his exposed skin. And boy did she poke hard!

"Holly, I demand you stop this accost on my person immediately!" Artemis said, rolling over so as to avoid her sharp fingers and unintentionally causing her to topple over, since she was sitting on his legs, and fall face-first into the bed.

"Oof!" Holly said as she landed.

Artemis smirked, jumping quickly up and grabbing a heavy book, just in case she tried to poke him again. "Now you know not to make the mistake of annoying me." He said, still smirking as Holly pushed herself up and did an impressive back-flip. Blue and hazel met blue and hazel and Artemis only had a split second to widen his eyes before he was tackled to the ground by the Elfin Captain.

The book flew out of his hand and landed a few feet away, but Artemis was too preoccupied with trying to keep said Elvin captain from poking him in the stomach.

"Holly, control yourself!" He said, trying to retain some shred of dignity.

"NAH!" Holly said. She was having way too much fun poking the mud boy, and he was powerless to stop her. She poked and poked, and poked. Artemis just laid there, trying to block the sharp jabs.

Finally, after about a minute of incessant poking, Artemis decided to forget his dignity and started poking her back.

"If I have to be subject to this brutal treatment, then I shall at least give as well as I get, to use a common phrase." He said, jabbing his fingers at her shoulder and collarbone, where he knew a nerve cluster was that would cause her left arm to spasm.

Holly felt her left arm go limp. "Artemis, what did you do?" She demanded, trying to move her numb arm.

Artemis laughed and his right arm shot out to jab her in the side. "Reflexology." he replied, jabbing her fourth rib, close to the kidneys. It paralyzed Holly temporarily and gave Artemis a chance to get up, which he did. Holly became unparalized in a few seconds after that and she narrowed her eyes at him.

"Reflexology?" She asked, moving her arm experimentally. It wasn't numb anymore, but it still tingled slightly.

"Yes. The pressure points, things like that. Butler added it to my required training schedule and I must say," He said, smirking at Holly, who was still on the floor. "I think he was right. It is a useful skill to be able to paralyze people. Especially three-foot-tall Elfin Captains of the Lower Elements Police."

Holly rolled her eyes and climbed carefully to her feet. "I'm fairly certain that's called cheating, mud boy, but I'll let it slide just this once." She said, smiling at him.

Artemis's eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch and a small smile turned up the corner of his mouth. "Cheating? Why, Holly. You wound me." He said, raising a hand to where his heart was. "That kind of dirty underhanded foul play, pardon my pun, is something expected of a villain! Of a cruel individual with no such qualms about using an alternative solution to playing fair. You should know better."

Holly let out a loud laugh. "You just described yourself, Artemis. Down to a T, in fact."

Artemis made a mock-bow and Holly seized her chance to catch him unawares. She tackled him in a flying leap and they were knocked to the floor once more.

"I thought Butler would've warned you, Artemis," Holly said as she began to poke again. "Never take your eyes off your opponent."

Artemis laughed and tried to jab her in the left shoulder and collarbone again, but Holly was ready for that. She blocked with her right forearm and started poking him in the chest.

They exchanged pokes, Artemis keeping his fingers to her lower chest and Holly poking him wherever the heck she pleased. They were both laughing and Artemis's face was flushed.

"Give up, Holly?" Artemis said after he gave her a particularly hard jab in the gut. Holly retaliated by striking him with lightning-fast agility in the sternum with her pinky finger.

"NEVER!" She cried, jabbing up and down on his arm. It wasn't particularly effective, but it made Artemis roll over to the left to dodge her strike. He got three out of four jabs.

Holly, who was actually sitting on Artemis, smiled wickedly and said, "What about you, Artemis? Are you gonna say uncle?"

Artemis frowned. "Why would I say Uncle? My only living uncle lives in Morocco." He asked.

Holly laughed and poked him again. "It's a figure of speech, mud boy. It means, are you going to give up?"

Understanding flashed over Artemis's face and he smirked. "I think not." He said, and to Holly's amazement, he reached up and started tickling under her armpits, which were exposed because she was reaching to poke him again.

He was really truly tickling her! Holly had a brief moment when she thought he was going mad, because the Artemis she knew did not display barely any types of emotion. And yet, here he was, tickling her for all he was worth!

"Holly," Artemis said as they rolled and laughed. Holly tried to contain her mirth. He was tickling her very accurately, in all the right places. Her armpits, her sides, but he wasn't being rude. He was trying to have fun! Holly wondered if he was going insane again. "As you might've noticed, I am acting outside my normal character parameters."

Holly was still laughing.

"This is only because I cannot find a verbal comeback. I have read that, in an instant where physical contact is intimate, to be the aggressor is a display of revenge."

Ah. That explained it. He couldn't think of a comeback, so he went to the next best thing. Which was, apparently, tickling her.

"You're going to re- regret this Fowl!" Holly choked out between laughs. Artemis was smiling and laughing and keeping up his relentless tickling. This wasn't his first tickle-war, nor even his twentieth. Myles and Beckett were self-proclaimed tickle-warriors and they thought it was amusing to tackle him in the middle of the night. They'd done this every night for a fortnight and, by the third night, Artemis had picked up a few things. He knew that Myles and Beckett's primary battle strategy was to pin the arms by sitting on them and go for the armpits.

He also learned a few tricks when it comes to tickle-wars, and he thought he was pretty well-equipped to take on the famous Captain Short. It also helped that he was acting completely out of character, because that served to disorient her and let him take advantage of the situation by going for her neck. He had the utmost respect for Captain Short, but in this instance, he couldn't help himself.

He moved his wiggling fingers up her neck and Holly let out a squeak!

"Artemis!" She said, still laughing. "Get your fingers away fr- from there!"

Artemis smiled. He was on the right track. Every person on the face of this earth had a special tickle-spot. His was between his shoulder blades, and Holly's was apparently her neck.

He moved his fingers up and down her neck, just brushing her jawline. Holly squeaked again and Artemis laughed. He should be recording this. They rolled again and somehow Artemis wound up on top of her. Holly didn't seem to mind, as she was still laughing, but Artemis found this a rather confusing place to be in.

"Artemis!" Her voice was strangled, but still full of laughter. Her eyes were bright and happy. "Artemis, GET OFF ME!" OK, maybe happy tempered with vast annoyance.

Artemis smiled. He was completely out of his element now, and he knew it. Somewhere, in side his brain he knew he shouldn't be doing this. They were friends. Only friends. Anything else just seemed wrong. And yet here he was, whispering in his soft, clipped Irish accent.

"Oh but Holly, I'm so comfortable."

Holly froze. Had he really just said that? What on earth was happening? How had they gone from a good-natured poking war to a slightly less good-natured tickle-war to him lying on top of her and whispering?! She was ninety years older than him, for Frond's sake! AND HE WAS HUMAN! Stupid human adolescent hormones!

"Artemis-" She began slowly. What was she going to say? She knew that Artemis had had a thing for her, but that was all past them now! The stupid Atlantis Complex had caused all that! He didn't really like her, did he?

Artemis was smiling down at her. His flushed face inches away from her own. His raven hair tickling her forehead. His blue and brown eyes staring into hers.

That moment lasted for several minutes, then Artemis blinked and his eyes seemed to come back into focus. He looked at Holly, Holly looked at him.

Then the moment was completely spoiled by Juliet bursting through the door, singing to herself.

"Hey, I just met you. And this is craaaazy, so here's my number. So call me maybe! Arty! Holly! The old guys are going to spend dinner in Butler's room, so I'm staying up-" And then she caught sight of Artemis and she frowned. "Artemis, what are you doing on the floor?" She asked.

Artemis's head snapped up, bonking his chin accidentally against Holly's nose.

Ow, Holly thought. Then she realized Juliet was in the room and watching them.

"Juliet!" They both said loudly, scrambling to get away from each other and to their feet. Artemis received several kicks in the shins to get him moving faster and Holly was unceremoniously shoved away by Artemis. So much for that.

They scrambled to their feet and stood there, hands clasped behind their backs. Neither of them looked at each other, and neither of them looked at her. Holly looked down at the floor. Artemis concentrated friendly on a the book that he'd dropped when Holly had pounced on him.

Juliet surmised the two with a look of amusement and surprise on her face. "Did I interrupt something?" She finally asked when neither of them spoke.

"No!" They both said quickly. Then Artemis began to blush.

Juliet laughed and said, "Guys, it's OK with me." She gave them both a reassuring smile. "I won't mention this to Butler," Artemis breathed a sigh of relief. "Or Root."

"Thank the gods." Holly muttered.

Artemis sighed silently in his head. Thank goodness. If the Commander of the LEP, father-figure to Holly and great friend of his were to have walked through the door and not Juliet and seen them in that position, he would completely vaporize Artemis before he could explain. Not that Artemis wanted to explain. No, explaining his current situation was the absolute last thing he wanted to do now. Not only did it probably make hm look like childish and weak, but it also would give Juliet another opportunity to tease him. She wasn't nearly as disciplined as her brother when it came to personal remarks.

Juliet walked over to them and unexpectedly gave them both hugs. "I'm glad you two have finally admitted things to yourself." Her eyes were warm and she was smiling like a child who'd been given a very expensive birthday present.

Holly realized what Juliet was saying a second after Artemis did. Their eyes widened. "Oh no, Juliet," Artemis said hurriedly.

At the same time Holly shook her head. "No."

"We aren't-"

"Absolutely not."

"No way."

"Just friends," the two stammered.

Juliet frowned. "But-"

"That was an accident, Juliet." Artemis said firmly. "The result of very bad timing on my part. Captain Short tripped over a rug," He pointed to the green floral rug that had been placed under the bed. It's white tassels could easily trip someone. "And I, trying to help her, made the same mistake and tripped. Captain Short seems to have not injured herself, nor have I, and I think that I shall take a quick walk around the block because it is so nice out." And to clear my head. "Good evening Juliet. Captain."

And with that, Artemis walked through the door and out onto the landing. Both Juliet and Holly were too surprised to speak.

Holly's mind was reeling. Had that really happened?

"Wait! Artemis," Juliet said, jogging to the door after Artemis. "You have to go with someone!"

"I'll tail him." Holly said automatically. The night air might do her some good as well.

Juliet looked down at the tiny elfin woman. "OK. Keep a close eye on him, and be back in an hour. No more."

Holly nodded and walked to the door.

"Oh and Holly,"

"Yes?"

"Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Holly caught Juliet's gentle gaze and she sighed. She wouldn't be able to keep anything from Juliet for long. Butler and Root, maybe. They were men, after all. But not Juliet.

"Later." She said. Then she walked down the stairs, heading after Artemis.

Juliet was left in Artemis's room smiling. Those two. Were they finally admitting things to each other, or were they closing each other off. She loved both Artemis and Holly like a pair of siblings, and she didn't want either of them to get hurt.

"But I also want the five hundred bucks Dom promised me if they got together by the end of the year." she said to herself, smirking.

After another minute's pause, Juliet ran to her room and grabbed a small handgun, her purse, and a pair of throwing knives just in case. Then she opened the window in her room and slid down the fire escape to catch up to Holly and Artemis.