Chapter 8

The Witch-king of Angmar banged together some pots and pans. "Rise and shine!"

Sauron groaned. "I'm so dry…where are the Eyelids of Sauron?"

Mothman rolled over and began coughing up blood.

"Oh, don't be such a baby," said Tylenol. "You guys have been out for two weeks."

"…Two weeks?" Sauron twitched.

"Kind of impressive, honestly. Usually it takes five hundred years to purge what you guys had from your body," Lurtz said.

"Or for me to purge mucus during allergy season," said Gothmog. Decepticon scooted away from him.

"We waits for two weeks and eats lots of fish," Gollum said, crunching a trout between his teeth.

"I swear, he's been eating fifteen fish a day and hasn't gained a pound," Taz said. "It's kind of concerning."

"Maybe he burns it all with his extreme hyperactivity," Kirby suggested. Gollum threw the rest of the fish at his head.

"Pay attention to me!" Sauron bitched. "I think those mushrooms killed some of my body parts…"

"Death would be an endless relief," Mothman muttered.

"Drink some Red Bull until your heart stops beating. That always does it for me," said Khamûl.

"Well, we're all technically already dead, so…" Tylenol pointed out.

Shelob walked over and punted Sauron into a tree. "Pain is the ultimate motivator. Now get up."

And the journey continued.

-The Dead Marshes-

Bart prodded the murky water with the tip of his evil, poisonous sword. "This is gross."

"What's gross?" Mothman accidentally walked into a puddle and began to cry silently.

"Be grateful the Nose of Sauron isn't here," Sauron said, floating comfortably above the bog. "Because I have a feeling this place smells horrible."

"Then Big Eye would bitch at us, precious," Gollum said, managing to stay dry as he traversed the grass.

Shelob was struggling, at least two of her eight legs being stuck in the mud at any given moment. "Motherfucking shit. This is going to take forever." She paused as she felt Denethor trying to climb onto her back. "Get. Down."

"But it's swampy…" He slid down dejectedly. A burst of flame suddenly appeared from the ground, almost catching his robes on fire and burning him to death. "That was close."

"Stop talking. As the only man in this group, your opinions are forfeit," Sauron said.

"How am I the only man in this group?"

"Keep up! I'm a genderless manifestation of cosmic power, Mothman is an extension of my physical form, the Nazgûl are…well, they're dead, so they don't count."

"Thanks," came nine simultaneous voices.

"Shelob is probably female, Lurtz and Gothmog are orcs, and Gollum is…uh…"

"Hey, Gollum," Shelob called. "What are you?"

"We are ahead of you," he responded from way farther down. "Keep up!"

"Oh god, I think I'm allergic to something in this swamp," Gothmog said. "Guys, I'm swelling up!"

-That Night-

While everyone was resting, Sauron floated over to Shelob. "So how's it going, my eight-legged friend?"

"I'm starving. There's nothing to eat in this goddamn swamp."

"There's plenty of flies."

Shelob glared at him. "That's like eating air. I had a friend who went on a fly diet, and she starved within two weeks."

"Oh…"

"The hell are you talking to me for, anyway?"

"I dunno, I feel like we don't talk much. I mean, you're an ancient evil spider, and I'm a powerful dark lord…I feel like we should have a more Ungoliant-Morgoth relationship, you know?"

"No."

Mothman sat up. "Did you guys hear that?" The Nazgûl were all sitting in a circle, and didn't respond. "Hello? What are you guys doing?"

"Well, it's the twenty-second, so probably their monthly circle jerk," Sauron said. "What did you say you heard?"

"Every time I think this group has finished testing the limits of my sanity…" Mothman shook his head. "I thought I heard this weird whispering noise coming from the water."

"Huh." Sauron floated over to the water and looked down. "If there's anything in here, I'll be able to see it. God, this water is like Shelob's ideal Lunchable's package."

Eight eyebrows were raised. "…How so?"

"It's got people in it." A dead soldier was lying in the water, perfectly preserved. Sauron floated closer. "Weird. I can't take my eye off of it…"

There was a loud splash as Sauron fell into the water. Predictably, Gollum started screaming.

"NASTY EYES FELL IN THE WATER!"

"Someone pull him out!"

"Someone shut him up!"

"Aw guys, are we really leaving the circle jerk early?"

Underwater, Sauron looked around and saw several ghostly figures reaching for him. "Wow, this is a lot deeper than it looks from the outside."

"We shall take your soul…"

"Oh, hey, you guys look pretty evil. How would you like to join my mission to reclaim—are you biting me?"

"Your soul will be ours."

"Fucking get off!"

-Above Water-

"So who's going in to get him?" the Witch-king of Angmar asked.

"Nose goes." All the Nazgûl quickly responded.

"What is nose goes, precious?"

"Does my surgical replacement count?" asked Gothmog.

Shelob sighed, being the only one present who could not participate in said activity. "Fuck you guys." She walked over to the rippling water and plucked Sauron out with her mandibles.

"OH GOD, THE SPIRITS ARE EATING ME! SOMEONE HELP!" Sauron screamed.

"Dah tept meh." Shelob spat out the dark lord onto the grass, where he landed with a weirdly satisfying plop.

Everyone stared at the dark form on the grass.

"Shit, did my fire go out again? I hate when that happens." Sauron, now only a limp dark pupil, looked around. "Does anyone have gasoline and a lighter?"

Gollum hopped over to him. "We never eats this kind of fish before."

"I swear to FUCK if you even lick me—"

"GAH! NASTY FISH TALKS!" Gollum punted Sauron into the bushes.

"Ow…" Another burst of flame shot from the ground, reigniting the Dark Lord. "Ah, much better." He levitated from the bush and everyone cringed. "What? Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"Your eye is somehow swollen and it looks disgusting," Denethor pointed out.

"Yeah, you probably got pinkeye from the nasty swamp water," Gothmog said. "Lucky for you, it probably isn't permanent, like mine is."

Sauron sighed.

Thanks to TheDarkLordofDoom for asking about Sauron and Shelob's relationship. And as always, huge thanks to Midnight Musings and Queries, BlackBloodAndDeadlyNightshade, Emperor DeLacus, A.J. Parker94, and TheDarkLordofDoom for the reviews. You guys really make my day.

Stay tuned for the next chapter!