A/n: See, I said wee hours of the morning.
Gracie's Journal 6/15/29
So where was I? Sleeping it off. Right.
She slept it off until around 8 or 9. She woke up and she was in a lot of pain. I could tell, because she didn't say it but it was the way her forehead wrinkled up when she moved.
She told me she was fine. Like, really fine. She said she couldn't die. That wasn't option for her.
But like, could hear it in her voice.
She was scared. This was a really close call. She was aware that she in fact was not invincible and that she would one day die and everything that made our family us would disappear into oblivion. And it sucked.
We had like, a family cry session. We weren't full on crying, but it was teary eyes and emotions and silence and deep breaths.
Grandma came in and ran her hands through her daughter's hair and had lots of hugs for me.
I texted the girls to let them know why I wouldn't be at practice today. I couldn't play, but I still needed to be at practice if I could be there.
They freaked out. And Clayton heard it through the grapevine. He called me and I could hear the sympathy in his voice.
He lost his dad when he was 12. And its been hell on him, and he knows what it's like. He wanted to know if I was okay.
And I'm not a liar but I am my mother's daughter. I do not admit when I am not okay.
But I admitted it to Clayton.
And he asked if he could come see me and I said that he could.
The team members were all in and out, checking on their Kensi. Uncle Callen and Sam possessively loved on her with their dry humor.
Dad kind of detached. His mind was elsewhere, thinking hard
and reminiscing.
Meanwhile, I worked on my story.
Since my friends can't know about NCIS, I need an excuse for how Mom got stabbed. Believe it or not it's hard to come up with a scenario where my mother gets almost fatally stabbed.
But when Clayton finally got to the hospital, he didn't ask any questions. He had flowers, a little vase for Mom and he pulled one out for me. I could feel my cheeks flush, but then he suggested we walk and I layed my flower down and we walked.
We went down hallways and floors of the hospital in silence. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it, and for a moment I did, but then I just couldn't open up to him in this way. He couldn't know about NCIS and I just couldn't explain it.
But then he said, "It's okay to talk about things. Especially with me."
And once I started talking, the built up emotions I'd been hiding started creeping out in bits. It was slow, and I wasn't even able to censor myself.
I'm pretty sure I said something along the lines of "When I found out, I just couldn't accept that she was dead. I kept thinking about all the missed opportunities she had, how she devoted her life to her job but not to herself, and how she wasn't prepared to die and that it was too early and that she was in love
but never just eloped and denied herself that happiness to just be in love. And I wanted that for her, so bad." *que the crying again* "But now she's not dead and things are going to go right back to the way they were before."
And I felt so guilty, and he could see it in my eyes. His dad was dead, and I was crying because my Mom was alive and things were going to go back to normal.
But he looked at me and stopped me and told me not to start that crap with him because this was a different situation. And he told me that I couldn't control my parents and their choices were their choices. And all of the sudden he was holding my hand and saying "Grace, just like your mom, you deny yourself happiness too. You live for them and forget to live for you."
Can one be attracted to a voice? The way he said Grace hummed in my eardrums.
Yep, man of my dream standing two feet in front of me and I am a hormonal mess of a girl with tears pouring out of my face.
But he pulled me into his arms anyway and rubbed circles into my back and told me to let it out.
Yes. I'm my mother's daughter. I look like her and I act like her and I feel like her. We both spend so much time thinking about what we don't know and never see what's actually there.
Clayton walked me to the ladies' room where I composed myself before returning me to Mom's room.
He stayed for a while. He asked Mom how she was feeling and she smiled at him. Dad quit acting quite so strange and joined the rest of us for a little while. He bought some cookies from the vending machine and we shared them.
Clayton finally left with strict instructions that I was to take care of myself and call him if I needed him, or even if I didn't think I needed him, but might want him.
I don't know where Mom and Dad are headed now. But it's not up to me. They need to do this themselves.
I don't know where I stand with Clayton. It's like we've come so far, yet there's still something big in between us, like we're on opposite sides of a pond or a lake.
I guess we'll all be walking slowly for a while.
Oh, by the way we will address why Kensi left her knife at home.
I LOVE reviews!
