Chapter 8

Farewell

Words are very unnecessary; they can only do harm. (Depeche Mode – Enjoy the silence)

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When he reached the abbey the house was still quiet. Thomas went back to his room. He would have another hour before the other servants would get up. Thinking of what he could do his eyes wandered around the room. Finally they settled on the desk. Thomas looked at the untidy top for a while before an idea crossed his mind. He slowly rose from the bed and went over to the table. Sitting down on the chair he grabbed a blank piece of paper and a pen and started to write.

My dear Jimmy,

I don't know how to start this. I only know that I miss you. So badly. And that I love you. More than you can imagine. No matter what happens or whatever keeps us separated, I will always love you. Everything we've been through, every quarrel we had only made our love stronger and I still believe it's endless. At least my love for you is. I appreciate every moment we had together and hold them close to my heart and always think of them as the most wonderful moments of my life. But now… I don't know how to just move on with such a burden on my shoulders. It will be hard but I know that I must carry on and live my life. If I don't do it for me, I have to do it for you. It would be much easier to give in and let the pain take control but that's not the right way I'm sure. But I don't know how to live without you. Tell me, what shall I do? I feel helpless and so terribly empty without you by my side. My heart is broken. I never loved anyone so much as I loved you. And I still do. You're my life, Jimmy and now you're gone and I can't even cry anymore because all the tears are already used up. I feel so guilty and I know I will never be able to make up for it. All I can do now is think of you every day and hope that wherever you are, you are happy. Because I will never be happy again. My love is gone. I'm trying not to be too sad, but it's almost impossible.

I hope so badly that I'll see you again. But somehow I know that we'll meet again one day. We just have to wait. Although I don't think I can wait for long. Living without you is unbearable and I'm pretty sure that I won't become used to it. Because I can't get used to the pain. There's a hole inside of me, my heart is scarred with open wounds, each of them aching and burning. It's not your fault, no. If anybody is to blame, then it's me. I should have watched out better and tried harder to help you. But I didn't. Now I have to bear the consequences and I feel I'm not ready for it. But I can't just turn away. I'll try to stay strong, I promise.

So Jimmy, my love, you were the joy of my life and I won't pretend not to miss you every single day for the rest of my life.

Well, to be honest, I don't know what more I could write so I'll end this here. But you know that there's no end of my love for you.

Whenever I look up to the stars, I know you're there, watching me. So if you can see me now, please forgive me for being such a bad friend and for causing so much trouble.

Goodbye, my love.

I'm yours forever.

All my heart,

Thomas

PS: For the world you are someone but for someone you are the world.

Thomas set down the pen and looked at the letter for a moment before he folded it. He put it in an envelope and wrote Jimmy's name with accurate letters on it. Then he sealed the letter and hid it in his drawer. The thought was painful but this was his farewell letter to Jimmy. Since he hadn't had enough time to say goodbye properly this was his only chance to let Jimmy know all the things he couldn't say.

Thomas sighed. He wanted to cry, he wanted the tears to wash away every thought but there were no more tears.

They always say 'What kills you makes you stronger' but I don't think that's true in my case. I'm not strong and I won't get any stronger now.

The slowly rising sun cast its rays across the room.


A/N: I promise that in the next chapter there will be more action ;) I just needed the story to slow down a bit but in the next chapter the plot will move on ;).