If I Can't Love Her
No Comfort, No Escape
I See, but Deep Within is Utter Blindness
The Beast threw the doors open and stalked into the room on all fours. Tony jolted awake and gasped at the sight of the great monster before he remembered who she was and what was going on. The damage had already been done though, and there was no point in apologizing for his outburst. The Beast roared savagely as it rose to a bipedal stance. Tony forced himself to stand slowly and take a single step toward her. All the hairs on his head were standing on end and the effort of approaching something that he was so terrified of almost made him pass out on the spot. After a few moments, however, the Beast quieted and sunk back down to all fours. Her anatomy forbade her to stand like a human would for very long.
"You seem familiar." The Beast growled after an eternity. "But I can't remember."
Tony realized that there was a tiny light shining in her eyes. Was this one of her lucid moments perhaps? Hopeful, Tony took another small step toward her. "I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo of NCIS. And I think you were my partner, Ziva David."
"Tony…?" She tilted her head, a pained expression on her face. "Partner…?"
Tony could tell that her intellectual moment was passing and he felt an overwhelming surge of frustration. "It's okay if you don't remember. I'll help you. I'll remind you of all the things we've been through and things will start coming back, you'll see. Can you tell me what you remember about what happened to you?"
"I don't remember." Panic replaced the humanity in her eyes as she began pacing from one end of the room to the other. "I don't remember! Why don't I remember?"
"It's okay! Ziva, it's all right. Look at me." Feeling braver than he should have, he grabbed her by the horns. "Look at me, Sweet Cheeks. It's me, Tony. I'm Tony. Say it back to me. Nothing else matters, okay? Just this."
"Jeanne mattered." Ziva twisted her head, throwing him to the floor. Then, hissing, she pinned him to the floor with one paw. "And you mattered. But I don't matter. I don't matter!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" Tony barked. "Of course you matter! You're my partner! I'm saying—"
"Your partner!" She thundered. "Three years and I'm just your partner?"
"I thought you said you didn't remember." Tony paled.
The Beast, Ziva snapped her jaws shut inches from his nose. "I didn't, now I do. For a moment, I believed I was safe. I'd found a family, a home, and most importantly someone who understood that I wasn't a monster! But it was not Director Vahn's fault that I'm in this place, it's your's!"
"I came after you, didn't I?" Tony yelled back at her, losing all sense of self-preservation. "Doesn't that count for anything?"
"And why did you come?" Ziva snarled, throwing herself back toward the door. "You didn't come for me, you came for yourself. You came so you could get back to your little agent afloat mission. Do you know what awaits me when I go home, Tony? Do you know what I've been through since I left NCIS?"
Tony stood up, brushing himself off. "I didn't want to see you get shipped back to Israel. I know what it's like over there right now. Do you know how many hours I've spent watching the news, wondering if it was you that got killed in a shooting or a roadside bomb? Even now, when you look like something out of Dungeons and Dragons, you're no monster to me."
"What am I?" Incoherent again, the Beast's eyes rolled about in her head. Her mind had shut down, unable to process any more information. "Why am I here?"
Tony watched her prowl away in misery. Though the exchange hadn't ended well, he now partially understood what was wrong with her. It made since that he'd been the one to find the book, because he was the one person on the team that could wake her up. And it was his responsibility. He'd never really made it clear to her just how close they'd become. She was his best friend, and he was her's. It was time to make sure she realized that there truly was someone out there that knew how beautiful she was inside.
