A/N: I'm trying, I really am! I don't want to give up on this story because I really DO like it, it's just hard to focus on Kirk and Spock when Sherlock and John are hanging out in the dark secret corners of my mind, touching each other and looking at me with mocking smiles… Okay, that is NOT helping! Focus, MadameAngel, focus… …focus…
THE EXPENSE OF SPIRIT
Chapter 7:
My Love Is As A Fever
Spock opened his eyes, staring sharply around the room, trying not to move. If anyone had heard… But no one seemed to have woken up. Even Kirk was still sleeping peacefully on his cot, covered in a blanket. Spock took a few deep breaths, listening to the impossibly fast beating of his heart. The dream he had been having bubbled sluggishly in the back of his mind, and he scolded himself for falling asleep. Kirk's health had been improving rapidly for the last several days, but one never knew with Humans, Spock rationalized. Kirk could be fine one minute and in excruciating pain the next as the Drakoulias poison continued to filter from his system. Spock glanced at Kirk again to make sure he wasn't in any pain. The Human was stretched out on his back, and very deeply asleep, judging by his slight snores.
At the sound of Kirk's breathing, the dream in the back of Spock's mind boiled over.
Jim's mouth against his, hot and insistent … their bodies aligned, skin on skin, flushed and sweating … Jim's face contorted in near agony as he uttered Spock's name … the very precise feeling of Jim's individual fingertips against Spock's flesh, hard enough to bruise … Jim's tongue everywhere … a pleasure so intense it ripped Spock out of his dream completely…
And then he felt it, and couldn't keep from shifting uncomfortably in his chair. The sticky warmth spreading steadily from the area of his groin made his skin crawl with disgust.
Spock made his way over to the closet to get his bag of clothes, then shuffled stiffly into the bathroom. He locked both doors carefully, grateful that everyone else was still asleep. Without looking at himself, Spock peeled off his soiled trousers, rolling them carefully into a ball. He stripped out of the rest of his clothes quickly and turned on the shower. The water smelled like the snow outside.
Spock stepped gratefully under the warm stream, allowing the water to rinse every trace of semen from his skin. With his eyes closed, he scrubbed himself clean, wincing at the feel of the stuff between his fingers. Nocturnal emissions were not unheard-of for Vulcans, because of the unregulated state of hormones before pon farr, but they were not the norm. Spock, as ever, seemed to be the glaring exception. Never mind that he used every hour Kirk was sleeping to meditate. The hours were wasted. He was fine during the meditation, but as soon as Kirk so much as shifted in his sleep, Spock's mental shields crumbled like so much stale cake.
Spock was out of ideas. He was thankful that the outpost on Delta Vega was finally complete and they would be leaving today for New Vulcan. Kirk was anxious to get working again – his work on Delta Vega had been taken care of by Scotty and Sulu, much to Kirk's disappointment.
Spock washed his hair quickly and efficiently and switched off the shower. The sonic drying system was too powerful for his sensitive Vulcan ears, but Spock was so accustomed to this that he carried a towel in his suitcase whenever he was on-planet. He stepped out of the humid shower and reached for his suitcase. He could hear the faint noises of someone stirring in one of the other rooms and hurried to dry and dress before any of the Humans requested access to the bathroom. For the first time in over a week, Spock dressed in his blue science uniform. The material was familiar and comfortable against his skin. Jim Kirk was not the only one looking forward to working. Spock knew that the work which awaited them on New Vulcan would afford him the distraction he so desperately craved. Yes, it would be good to have a mission again.
Spock picked up his bag – neatly packed of course – and unlocked both bathroom doors before heading back into the Captain's room. He had barely taken two steps into the room when Kirk sat up, the blanket he had used falling from his shoulders. Spock froze mid-step. Kirk was shirtless, something Spock had somehow not noticed until just now. Kirk smiled sleepily.
"Morning, Spock," he said with a yawn.
Spock nodded, unable to speak. Kirk's skin was flushed a warm, inviting, Human pink, and Spock felt goose bumps spring up along the back of his neck at the sight, and the feelings it stirred within him. It was then that Kirk swung his legs down off the bed and stood up. Spock looked away as quickly as he could, but was not able to unsee what he had seen. Kirk, evidently, had been sleeping in nothing but a simple pair of boxer briefs. Tight boxer briefs. His lean, muscled legs showed nearly no sign of his recent injury, save for a faint puckered scar above his left knee. Spock held very still as Kirk crossed the room, coming almost unbearably close, and Spock found himself holding his breath.
Kirk laid a gentle hand on Spock's shoulder. "You alright?"
Spock swallowed. "Yes, Captain, I am well."
"Good. I'm going to have a shower. Make sure the crew is prepared to leave when the cruiser arrives."
"Yes, sir," Spock said stiffly.
"Relax, Spock," Kirk said. "We'll be to New Vulcan by dinner time."
Spock looked over at Kirk at last, unable to keep the almost-smile from tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"I…look forward to it, Captain," he said.
Kirk laughed softly, then brushed past Spock and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Spock didn't exactly collapse, but it was a close call. He crossed the room and dropped heavily into his chair, the breath he had been holding going out of him in a woosh. He would have to be more careful in the future… Jim's unmade bed drew Spock's eye, and last night's dream began to simmer again in the back of his mind.
Jim's body aligned with his … hot Human breath on his face … delicious wet heat against his –
Spock stood up, his chair toppling over backwards behind him. He needed to get out, he needed to do something, needed to get the smell of Jim out of his nostrils. Before he could think, Spock strode from the room, the door banging wildly behind him. He went out into the main room of the outpost, heading for the replicator without knowing why. He stopped in front of the machine and stared at it for a moment. His blood was still singing with adrenaline and Jim's scent and Spock couldn't focus on anything else. His fingertips ghosted over the card registry on the replicator without knowing what he was looking for, until something caught his eye.
Coffee.
Yes, Humans used coffee to help wake up in the morning, Spock knew that much. He selected the memory card for coffee and slid it into the reader. He replicated six cups of coffee and carried the tray back to the sleeping quarters.
Jim was still in the bathroom (Spock refused to think about the Human actually showering), but Spock left a cup of coffee on the arm of his chair and then went down the hall to wake the other Humans.
He knocked quietly on the door and was rewarded with an equally quiet "Come in" from Nurse Chapel. Spock went in, carefully balancing the tray in one hand while he opened the door with the other.
"Good morning," he said quietly. Only Nurse Chapel was awake. She was sitting on the edge of her cot and combing her hair.
"Morning, Mr. Spock," she said, at normal volume. "Go ahead and talk, they need to wake up anyway."
Spock nodded. "I made coffee." He set the tray down on a small table that Uhura had unearthed somewhere. Chekov woke up then, peering around with sleepy eyes. Spock handed him a cup of coffee. "Good morning, Mr. Chekov," he said.
"Vhat time is it?" Chekov asked.
"Half-past seven in the morning," said Spock. "Please wake the rest of the crew and make ready to depart when the ship arrives. I estimate you have little over an hour."
"Yes, sir," said Chekov. He looked down at Sulu who was sleeping beside him and nudged him awake. Spock nodded once and left the room to gather his own things.
Spock paused in the hallway to listen before going back into his own room. The shower had stopped. Spock went in, trying not to seem too cautious. Kirk was nowhere to be seen. Spock was bent over, about to pick up his bag from where he had dropped it earlier, when he saw something that made his mind shutter to a halt: Kirk's own bag, with his command uniform clearly visible inside, sitting innocently at the foot of the cot. Which meant that Kirk, having just finished his shower, was going to find himself uniform-less and –
The bathroom door opened.
Spock froze, still bent over, one hand on his bag of clothes. The steamy air swirled out from the bathroom, carrying Jim's scent on the moist droplets. Spock's tongue felt stuck to the roof of his mouth. Slowly, he straightened up, deliberately facing away from the bathroom door. Jim coughed, and the sound echoed in Spock's ears.
"Hey, uh, Spock?" Jim said.
"Yes, Captain?" said Spock to the wall.
"Could you pass me my…clothes?"
"…Certainly."
Spock bent back down to pick up Jim's bag. Jim coughed again. Spock stood up and walked backwards across the room to hand the bag to Jim. Spock thought he had almost reached the Human when he came into sudden contact with something solid and very warm. Then Jim, Spock, and the bag of clothes fell to the floor in a confused heap of arms, legs, and fabric.
Spock leapt up as fast as he could, but not even warp speed would have been fast enough. He had felt…everything. Every line of Jim's body against his. Without a word or a backward glance, Spock left the room.
He did not stop at the replicator this time, but went all the way outside until he was knee-deep in snow. He stood there for a few minutes, fingernails carving emerald half-moons into his palms, willing his heart rate to slow and stop the southward flow of blood. But Jim's body had been so warm against his, better even than Spock had dreamt, and he felt himself growing hard despite the freezing air. He curled his hands tighter, digging his fingernails painfully into his palms, and stared out across the snow.
Forcing his thoughts away from Jim('s naked body), Spock focused instead on the one person who held the answers, the only ray of hope in the darkness. At last, after days of waiting, they were going to New Vulcan. Since he had explored the cave with Kirk, since he had tasted the first Spock's memories, Spock had been longing for a glimpse into the older Vulcan's mind. Sure these…feelings, these desires were not limited to this reality alone. The first Spock must know at least something about how to deal with this problem, even if he hadn't encountered it himself. He would have valuable insight into the minds of both Jim Kirks, having known the one for years and having mind-melded with the other. Spock focused on this, compiling a list of questions with various follow-ups for the conversation he would have with the first Spock.
Cautiously, Spock uncurled his fists and looked at his palms. He was going to have to either trim his fingernails impossibly short or find another way to calm his emotions. His fingertips were stained green with his own blood, and the fingernail marks across his palms were unlikely to fade soon. He examined them with a curious detachment, then bent down and scrubbed off the blood in the snow at his feet.
Spock was about to turn and go back inside the outpost when he noticed the shimmer of a humanoid figure in transport. He waited, his hands clasped behind his back. The heat of arousal had finally faded, giving way to a dull ache in his palms. He kept his fists curled to hide them.
The figure finished materializing. To Spock's surprise, he was Vulcan. He raised his hand instinctively in the ta'al greeting, and the stranger mirrored him.
"You are Spock," the other Vulcan said. It was not a question. Spock nodded once in response. "I am T'seng," the Vulcan said. "I have come to collect you and your crew for transport to New Vulcan."
"Yes," said Spock, "I will go inform them. Come." He turned around and walked quickly into the squat, grey building.
The crew had assembled in the main room. Spock's eyes swept over them, not really seeing. Kirk was coming towards him. Spock turned cold Vulcan eyes on the approaching Human. Kirk's cheeks were flushed, something Spock chose to ignore.
"Spock, here's your…stuff…" Kirk trailed off as he saw T'seng come up behind Spock. Kirk's eyes flitted between the two Vulcans, and he straightened visibly, understanding in an instant the level of decorum he must present. "Your things, Mr. Spock," he said, holding the small suitcase out at arm's length. Spock took it, carefully placing his hand so as to not touch Kirk's skin.
"Thank you, Captain." Spock indicated T'seng. "This is T'seng. His crew are ready to beam us aboard."
"Of course," said Kirk. He turned back to the crew. "Well, let's get moving. No sense in hanging around here any longer," he said. They filed out past Spock at T'seng, all except Scott, who was saying goodbye to Keenser. When a moment had passed, Spock approached the pair.
"Mr. Scott. It is time to leave."
"O' course, Mr. Spock." Scott picked up his stuff and hurried out, giving a last wave to the small alien. Spock and T'seng followed.
Sulu, Scott, Chekov, Uhura, and Nurse Chapel stood in a circle, ready to transport. Kirk stood off to one side. T'seng pulled a communicator from some pocket of his robes.
"This is T'seng. Five Humans stand ready for transport."
"Energize," said a voice from the communicator. The five Humans disappeared in a swirl of blue-white energy and the three remaining humanoids arranged themselves to be beamed aboard.
"Two Vulcans and one Human to beam up," said T'seng into his communicator.
Spock managed one last sweeping glance of the desolate landscape before he was pulled into nothingness. Then a pristine white transporter room materialized before his gaze. The Vulcan ship's captain stood in the center of the room, the Enterprise crew lined one wall. The Vulcan captain stepped forward.
"I am Sorkal," he said, raising the ta'al, "Captain of this ship, the Fakovau." Kirk copied the ta'al flawlessly, stepping forward.
"I am James Kirk, captain of the USS Enterprise. This is Mr. Spock, my first officer, and my main bridge crew." He indicated the Humans standing by the wall.
Sorkal didn't blink. "We have prepared a room for your crew and yourself. The journey to New Vulcan will take eight Earth hours. T'seng will direct you to the room we have set aside."
Jim nodded to his crew to follow the Vulcan out of the transporter bay, and hung back to bring up the rear. Spock, who was also behind the group, debated quickening his pace to avoid Jim, but such behavior was far too conspicuous. So Spock held his breath and kept his hands curled firmly around the handle of his bag as Jim approached.
"Spock," Jim said, then cleared his throat. The Old Earth Greek letter pi is a mathematical constant that is the ratio… "I'm…uh. Well, I wanted to apologize for…what happened, uh…today." Three point one four one five nine two six five three five eight nine seven nine three two three eight four six two six… Jim was silent, clearly waiting for Spock to respond.
"It is of no importance to me, Captain," Spock said. Four three three eight three two seven nine five zero fingernails two eight eight four one nine seven one… "Please refrain from mentioning the incident in the future."
"Oh," said Jim. "Okay then." He moved away.
They had reached their designated room, a recreation room that had clearly never been used, and T'seng was ushering the Humans inside. Spock hesitated, letting Jim pass him.
Jim turned around curiously. Spock was speaking in Vulcan to T'seng. Jim cocked his head to one side, confused. He couldn't understand what they were saying, he wasn't familiar enough with the Vulcan language, but Spock's reluctance to enter the room was clear. Spock refused to look at him and remained entirely focused on the other Vulcan.
"Ha," said T'seng. Jim knew that word. Yes. Jim looked quickly at T'seng, then back to Spock, who was finally turning to acknowledge Jim's existence.
"Captain, T'seng has offered me the opportunity to work in the lab for the duration of the voyage," said Spock. "With your permission I would pass the time there instead of in this recreation room. I will return when we arrive to New Vulcan."
"And how long will that be?" Jim couldn't keep the irritation from his voice.
"Seven point nine three Earth hours," said T'seng evenly. "I will return for you at that time." The dismissal was clear. Jim nodded and retreated farther into the room.
"Well, I'll see you later then," he said to Spock, fighting the Spock-is-gone ache in the pit of his stomach. Spock nodded once, then followed the other Vulcan down the hall and out of sight. Jim turned around to see his crew watching him. "Well, we've got a few hours." Jim tried to keep his voice light. "Let's see what these Vulcans have in their 'recreation' room."
Sulu and Scotty headed straight for the simulator consoles, of course, and Jim was all set to have a good sulk in the corner when Chekov walked up, all curls and baby blues.
"Keptin, I challenge you to a duel!" he cried, pointing a dramatic finger at Kirk's chest. Kirk was startled right out of his bad mood.
"How dare you, young ruffian!" he shot back. "My honor is spotless and shall remain so!" Kirk had no idea where Chekov was going with this, but they had eight hours to kill.
"Is zat so?" Chekov said. "Wery well. Zen I challenge thee to a deul of chess!" He flung his arm around, pointing to a three-dimensional chessboard on a table in the center of the room.
"Ah ha!" crowed Kirk. "You are certain to fail, for I have bested many opponents older and wiser than you!"
Chekov merely grinned. "Older, yes, but not viser."
As Kirk followed the boy over to the game table, he saw Uhura and Nurse Chapel watching him. Suspecting that they were analyzing his reaction to Spock's absence, Kirk stuck his tongue out at them before sitting down to play.
Exactly seven hours and fifty-five minutes later, T'seng returned to escort Spock from the science labs. They returned in silence to the recreation room, having no need for small talk. The Humans in the recreation room were restless when they arrived.
"Finally," said Jim, pushing through the door almost before it was completely open. "Hey, Spock. Enjoy the lab?"
"In a manner of speaking," said Spock. It was the only honest answer he could give. He had utilized his time in the lab to calm and occupy his mind, and it had been remarkably effective. Working with other Vulcans was comfortable and easy. Almost as easy as – Spock stopped that thought in its tracks.
"You will be beamed aboard the Enterprise," said T'seng as they approached the transporter room. "The crew will stay on board the ship at night and work on the planet during the day." He turned to Kirk and Spock. "The ambassador has requested that the two of you beam down to the surface for the evening meal."
"We shall," said Spock. "Your hospitality towards us has been much appreciated."
"It is our duty as members of the Federation to care for one another," said T'seng.
Spock nodded calmly at him as the first party beamed over to the Enterprise. He and Kirk took their places on the transporter pad. T'seng raised the ta'al and Kirk drew in a deep breath as the Vulcan ship disappeared around them.
They materialized on board the Enterprise a split-second later. Kirk breathed a sigh of relief.
"It's good to be back," he said, grinning at Spock.
Spock raised an eyebrow. "You Humans and your emotional attachments to places," he said lightly.
"Come on," Kirk said, "you can't tell me you're not happy to be back. Or to be at New Vulcan. You're emotionally attached to this planet and you've never even been here before."
Spock pondered this while Kirk gave instructions to the crew over the intercom.
"Come on, Spock, let's drop off our stuff and beam down."
As they walked down the hall, Spock said, "I will not bother telling you that I have no emotional attachment to this planet—"
"Because you know I'm right," said Kirk.
"Because I know it will not change your mind," said Spock. "But it is logical that I should feel comfortable in an environment with which I am familiar."
Kirk laughed. "Keep telling yourself that, darlin'. But the only thing you've got any emotions about is that planet down there."
Spock stopped outside the door to his quarters and watched Kirk continue down the hall. He ran his eyes over the Captain's body as he walked away. Had it really been only that morning he had dreamt of Jim, and had - Stop, he chided himself. Do not think on those things now. Soon, but not now.
He met Jim back in the transporter room seven minutes later. Scotty stood ready to beam them down. Jim was practically glowing with excitement. Spock couldn't help giving him a quizzical look as he bounced up onto the transporter pad.
"Hurry up, Spock," he said, "the ambassador is waiting for us."
Spock was unsure as to why Jim was so eager to beam down, even more eager than he had been to beam onto the Enterprise. But Spock barely had time to ponder before they were materializing on the surface of New Vulcan.
The ambassador was indeed waiting for them.
"Spock!" Kirk crowed, bouncing over to stand near the old Vulcan. He turned back to face his First Officer. "You never read Captain Pike's dissertation, did you?"
Spock shook his head and refused to move. He could feel the instinct welling up within him, the instinct to fight, to claim the one who was rightfully his. He wished no harm against the older version of himself, quite the opposite in fact, but the expression on the other Vulcan's face as he looked at Jim… Spock hated him for it, and could not figure out exactly why. Was it because he was displaying such blatant emotion? Or was it because of the Human towards whom the emotion was directed?
The old Vulcan looked over at him for a moment, a sweeping, all-consuming glance. And Spock saw in his eyes that he knew and understood. The old Vulcan took two steps away from Jim's side and nodded to Spock without quite smiling. Then he turned back to Jim.
"Actually, Jim," –young Spock's eyes flashed— "I go by the name of Sabok now," the old Vulcan said. "However, you may still call me Spock if you wish."
Young Spock bit back the reflexive growl building in his throat as he approached the pair of them. He stood close to Jim's body and said, "You will, of course, understand if I refer to you as Ambassador Sabok."
"Of course," said the ambassador. His quick gaze took in the lack of distance between Kirk's and Spock's bodies, and he raised an eyebrow. Spock knew what he was thinking. The phrase "Well then" was clearly written in his eyes. Spock's gaze hardened as he looked at the old Vulcan, and the ambassador had the good sense to look slightly ashamed of himself. Kirk, of course, noticed none of this.
"I understand we were expected to join you for dinner," Spock said coolly.
"Yes," said the ambassador. "I would be honored if the two of you would spend your time on New Vulcan at my place of residence. I can have your clothes beamed down as well, if you wish." His eyes flicked back to Jim. He didn't seem to be able to help it, Spock thought.
"That would be awesome!" said Jim delightedly. "I'd love to stay at your place! Wouldn't that be cool, Spock?" He finally tore his gaze away from the old Vulcan to look at Spock.
"This is a Vulcan planet, Jim. Nothing is 'cool' here," Spock said with a delicate lift of his eyebrows. Jim laughed.
"Is that a yes, then?" he said.
"Yes, Jim." Spock glanced at his older self out of the corner of his eye. If he was to be completely honest, the main reason he was staying on-planet was because he did not entirely trust the old Spock. It was obvious now that he had had some sort of deep emotional connection to the Jim of the past, and those feelings had carried over onto his Jim, the Jim of the present. It was imperative that Spock remain on-planet to try and find some resolution to his problem.
"Come," said the ambassador with a welcoming gesture. "I will show you to my home."
Kirk and Spock followed him obediently, both wrapped up in their own thoughts.
End Chapter Seven
I think I'll leave it here for now.
Oh, btw, news! I'm officially on Tumblr. As MadameAngel of course. MadameAngel dot tumblr dot com. Come check me out! Much slash and sexiness to be found.
Please review? Ha, I feel like a lamesauce just for asking. But I love you all! *mwah*
