A/N: I want to again thank all of you who read this, have it on alert, and especially those of you who continuously review! KD, dorano, simaril - y'all are so sweet! :)
As per usual, my RL girls, L & G, thanks for the hours of bouncing around ideas, even when we get out of control and come up with crazy plot scenarios! So happy to have your support!
My Super Fabulous, Wonder Woman Beta, Claire- I adore you, babe! xx
Stephenie Meyer owns, I just play... and thank her for letting us do it! :)
CHAPTER EIGHT - Torn
"I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
Can't do it alone, I've tried
And I don't know why..."
The Show, Lenka
Bella
Alice had been gone barely a minute when the crushing feeling in my chest began. I tried to run, but my feet would hardly move. I jerked my head in every direction, searching for a sign she was still close by. I wanted to scream, beg for her to come back. I had walked a half-mile deeper into the trees when I sank to my knees. The underbrush of the forest floor was soft, and I lay back staring helplessly at the darkened canopy. The scene felt all too familiar, and again, my lack of composure irritated me.
You're a vampire, for Christ's sake, not a defenseless human! She can't sneak away this time! Go! Catch her!
I wanted to stay with Alice, whether I travelled with her or she remained in Forks. I had missed her the most, aside from Him. I wished I could go with her, see the others, but I couldn't because He would be there, and I was nowhere near ready for that particular reunion.
Are you even listening to yourself right now?
I tried to figure out when my human emotions had begun to take up such prominent space in my psyche. I thought back to the first irrefutable memory I had - the night I had woken up as a vampire.
The circumstances surrounding my change were traumatic, and I awoke scared and alone. After the first, frenzied hours, I fully grasped my new reality, and I vowed I would embrace the symbolism of my cold heart. Never again would I allow mortal emotions to get the better of me. After all, being led by such emotions had been the very thing which had precipitated my transformation. I refused to be a monster, I wouldn't feed on humans, but I wasn't going to live under the pretense that I still was one.
For five years, I had been successful at keeping my distance from humanity. I fed on animals which kept my contact with them to a minimum. I assumed if I wasn't living amongst them, trying to blend in, I could stay removed from their sentimental ways. Sometimes, I came across other vampires with whom I would travel just to have company for a while. Eventually, though, the questions regarding my diet would grow tiresome, and I would leave to be on my own again.
I supposed my downfall had begun when I started using my laptop to check up on my parents. I can't say why, I simply felt the need to make sure they were safe and sound. I easily learned how to hack into Renee's email account, and would read her lengthy messages to my father. On a weekly basis, she begged him to do more to find me. His reply was always the same; he was using all his resources. But I was an adult, and when I was ready to come home, I would. I knew Charlie was just telling my mother what she needed to hear. He knew I was never coming home.
If I had realized where keeping tabs on Charlie and Renee would lead, I wouldn't have done it. If I had never read the damn Forks newspaper to see what was happening with Charlie's latest case, I wouldn't have known what had happened to him, and I would never have found myself lying once again on the forest floor, feeling like a hole had been punched through my marble chest.
"Bells?"
Jacob's voice rang loudly in my ears, as did his use of a nickname I hadn't heard in half a decade. I opened my eyes and sat up on my hands.
"Why is it every time I go looking for you, you're lying alone in the woods at night?" he asked.
"Very funny," I said.
"No, I mean it," Jacob laughed. "What? Is this like some kind of ritual or something?"
"What do you want, Jake?" I asked, annoyed with him for being right.
"Like I said, I was looking for you. I wanted to know if Alice had left Forks yet. Paul told Sam he sniffed out another vamp while he was in town," Jacob said.
"She's headed to Seattle," I told him. "Besides, Alice said your pack can't hurt her anyway, something about a treaty. You failed to mention that," I said.
"Oh, well, yeah..." Jacob stammered. "Sorry."
"Whatever," I said. "It doesn't matter now. She's gone." I was attempting to conceal the melancholy in my voice, but Jacob wasn't buying it.
"You know," he said, sitting on a nearby tree trunk, "for a creature who is supposed to have a heart of stone, you sure are attached to the, um, to them." I eyed him curiously. "I'm just saying," he continued, "you seem to be very...I don't know, emotional maybe, about her being here and all, and now that she's gone again, here you are." Jacob swept his hand across the air, indicating my position on the ground.
"Apparently," I scoffed, standing up and brushing off my jeans, "I'm a defective vampire. Instead of waking up with a super cool power, or even just the run of the mill lack of conscience, I got saddled with residual human feelings."
"Ah, that's not so bad," Jacob smiled.
"Ha!" I laughed. "It's not working out so well for me right about now. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though. I wasn't a spectacular human so why should I have expected to be special as a vampire?"
Jacob stared at me, his black eyes staring into my amber ones. "You listen to me, Bella Swan," he said, standing up and towering over me, "you were an extraordinary girl, and if there is such a thing as an extraordinary vampire, I'm sure you're her. Maybe this residual human feelings thing is your super cool power. Have you ever thought of that?"
Inside of myself, I could feel the battle between instinct and emotion welling up. My vampire nature was telling me the man in front of me wasn't simply a man, but my enemy, and he would say whatever he needed to say to get me in a docile position. The venom coursing through my veins was prickling, ready for a fight. The warmth of feeling in my chest, however, was on a crusade to remind me this man was my friend, and despite his own true nature, he was standing there telling me I was extraordinary. True to my unorthodox vampire personality, emotion won out.
"How do you do that?" I asked, backing away slightly. "How do you always know what to say? You did the same thing the last time..." I could feel rather than honestly remember Jacob being there for me when He'd left.
"You never did see yourself the way everyone else saw you," he said softly, gazing at me with misty eyes.
A lump caught in my throat. How many times had He told me I didn't see myself clearly? Why had I been so quick to believe it coming from Jacob, both then and now? And why, I wondered for the millionth time, were my memories vague and uncertain unless they pertained to one of these men?
"I don't know what to do," I said. "Alice asked me to go home with her, and part of me wants to go."
"You haven't been with them at all, these last few years?" Jacob asked.
"I haven't seen them since the last time you found me in these woods," I said. "Not until Alice found me a couple of days ago at the cemetery."
"Huh," Jacob said. "I figured when I saw you..."
"I told you it wasn't them," I reminded him.
"But, you haven't seen them in five years?"
"No, not once,"
"And now she's left you again, and you feel..."
I felt, as I had after the first time a Cullen had left me in Forks, like Jacob was playing Dr. Phil, leading me to answers I already had. "I feel like I want to catch up to her and tell her I'll go."
Jacob raised his eyebrows at me. "Well, then, what are you waiting for? How far away could she be by now?"
"Maybe a hundred miles," I said.
"Go," he said.
"Go?"
"Yes," he said. "Don't be stubborn, Bella. You want to go, so go."
Jacob was right, I was being stubborn. I longed to go with Alice. I yearned to see Carlisle and Esme again, to embrace Jasper and arm wrestle with Emmett. Hell, I even wanted to see Rosalie again. Why was I still standing here? Was it because I wanted to prove a point? Would I stay behind so He wouldn't think I wasn't crawling back, begging him to reconsider, at the first opportunity?
He would never hear me beg him to feel something for me again.
Different parts of me always had different explanations as to why he didn't love me. I thought hesaw me as a liability; if anything had happened to me in this world, his family would surely take the fall. Part of me felt like he didn't love me because he realized I wasn't enough- pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough. Most of me thought he didn't love me because he simply didn't.
I wanted him to see me now, to know what the fragile girl he tossed aside had become. The irony of my fate didn't escape me; I knew my transformation was the outcome he desired least. In some small corner of my mind, I wanted to go with Alice just to see the look on his face when he realized we were finally equals.
My mind made up, I turned to Jacob and smiled.
"Race you to Seattle?" I asked. I hoped I would catch Alice before she got on the plane, but if I couldn't, I didn't want to be alone again.
Jacob smirked, "Bet I can catch up to her first."
"You're on," I laughed and took off into the trees. I leapt over fallen logs and bounded over the river. From behind me, I heard Jacob growling that I hadn't played fair. I clicked my tongue over my shoulder, "Come on, boy!"
The air around me swirled with magic as Jacob phased. His paws padded heavily on the soft earth as he gained on me. Having no idea how fast he was in wolf form, I tucked my head and barreled through the forest, the greenery passing by me in a blur. Alice's scent was still distinct in the air, and I knew we were on the right track.
For several miles, Jacob and I played cat and mouse, him bumping into me as he passed and me leaping over his head to take the lead again. I laughed, for the first time in years, and the levity of my own voice brought warmth to my chest, which I welcomed. Jacob gained on me again and tackled me to the ground, lapping his tongue over my cheek as he rolled off me.
"Eww!" I cried, wiping at my face with my sleeve.
I turned to see Jacob sitting back on his haunches, his nose in the air. He had his eyes closed and looked as though he were concentrating - or tracking something.
"What?" I asked.
I was sure we were still on Alice's trail, but I inhaled deeply, gagging as I was pummeled by the stench of wolf. The odor was strong, and more than that of the lone wolf sitting in front of me.
"The others?" I whispered.
Jacob opened his eyes and furrowed his thick, black eyebrows at me. Slowly, he nodded to his right.
"Where? How far?" I asked. The stink was so strong, it was hard for me to judge direction or distance.
Before he could answer, a blood curdling scream rang out, jettisoning birds out of their nests and sending small wildlife scurrying for cover.
"Alice!" I gasped.
Jacob bolted in the direction he had indicated, and I was fast on his heels. Alice screamed again, and as fast as I was, I feared we wouldn't make it to her in time. The canine scent grew stronger, almost masking Alice's scent from even me. Jacob was galloping with determination towards a clearing up ahead. Through the trees, I could make out four large beasts circling around a central location. I saw, smelled and heard Alice all at once.
"Listen to me, you dogs!" she screamed. I was shocked to hear her gasping for breath. "You have no right! I am a Cullen, God damn it! Leave me alone!"
Growls, resonating like laughter, permeated the air, and the beasts drew closer. The pack was concentrating on Alice and didn't take notice of Jacob, or me, coming out of the woods. Running quick as lightning, I made it to the opposite side of the circle, just as Jacob burst through the tree line, and I swooped in to grab Alice. I had her in my arms, back under the cover of the forest before they even realized she was gone. The four of them turned simultaneously to Jacob, who growled at them.
The biggest one, black and standing shoulders above the others, stepped forward first, swiping at the russet wolf, then, as if in slow motion, all five of them stared from one to the other, eventually all their eyes settling on Jacob. It appeared they were having a silent conversation.
"What are they doing?" Alice whispered to me.
"Talking," I whispered back. "They can read each other's thoughts when they've phased. Are you okay?"
"I think so," she said. "The little gray one scratched me and the big brown one bit me, though."
"He bit you?" I cried. "Where?"
"Here," she said, pulling at the hem of her skirt to reveal an enormous bite mark on her left thigh. "I think he managed to break the skin, too," she said, "it hurts like hell!"
"What happened?" I asked. I was keeping one eye on Alice and another on the strange conversation taking place in the clearing.
"I'm not sure," she said. "I should have seen them coming. I don't understand."
Jacob was taking a swing at the big black wolf, who I assumed must be Sam, and the other, smaller ones were backing away. I tore my eyes from the fight and rested them on Alice's face. She looked odd; her eyes appeared to be losing focus.
"We need to get away from here," I said. "Can you walk?"
"Of course," Alice said.
I stood first, reaching my hand down to her. Alice got to her feet and brushed grass and leaves from her skirt. I was watching the wolves again, trying to figure out what was going on. Sam and Jacob looked to be in some kind of standoff, with the others clearly coming to Sam's defense.
"Bella," Alice said.
"Hang on," I whispered. "I think Jacob might need a hand."
"Bella," she said again, grabbing at my arm.
"Okay," I said, turning just in time to see Alice's hand fall from my sleeve as her small body pitched forward, and she fell to the ground.
End Notes: dun, dun, dun... heehee
What the heck is wrong with Alice? What's up with the wolves attacking? Stay tuned, dear readers, and you shall see! :)
On a last note: If you don't know about the FanFicAholics Anon group on FB, I must wonder what rock you're living under. However, if you're not a part, go to FB right this second! It's an amazing place to hang out! Plus, we're having this awesome contest that you need to check out! The FFN page is http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2446549/Fanficaholics_Anon
Go read these amazing one-shots, you'll be able to vote for your fave SOON! :)
