"First things first," Death declared as he leaned his scythe over the back of his chair, "I'm willing to give you guys an easy out - hand over 'Flame-Fist' Portgas D. Ace and twenty years off of your natural lifespans and we can all get out of here and let the Council chew my ear off. Whaddya say?"

Every mortal present spent five seconds blinking before crossing their arms in front of their bodies in blatant negation of the proposed terms.

"Hell no!" they all stated flatly. Death rubbed his brow and sighed resignedly while Luck and Fate licked their chops - er, lips - and surveyed the buffet of souls to torture - er, at stake.

Usopp and Sogeking were being poked and prodded by the two physicians on hand, even while they protested that they were "better than ever." After much discussion on the effects of radiation as compared to the waves emitted from devil fruits and the side-effects of treatment by nonhuman entities, the reindeer doctors formed an absurdly cute tag team of medical mayhem as they drew out syringes and chased the twin marksmen around the table in an attempt to draw blood samples. Everyone ignored them when the whole affair devolved into a wrestling match.

"Hey, Uncle Old-Mummy-Mysterious-Guy!" Luffy called cheerfully as he poked around in his nose. Sanji got the pleasure of kicking his piratical captain's head hard enough to cause the round face to dribble on the table. Zoro and Robin clapped (grudgingly in the marimo's case), while Franky and Brook gave the chef nine out of ten for the difficulty of the technique.

"Shit-head, he's Death - Death! What the hell, that's about seventeen times easier to say than whatever that crap was you just made up!"

"Shishishishi, thanks Sanji! I knew I'd get that annoying booger!" Luffy chortled in response, utterly oblivious to the way the others present turned green as he wiped the snot off on the hem of his vest. All except for D. Luffy, who was trying to examine the drying mucus (and Ace) from afar with obvious interest, despite Zoro's restraining grip on his Vault-suit.

"By the Sands," Zoro and his brothers groused as all three heads slapped a hand over their faces. "He really is as stupid as our captain."

"Guess some things just can't be changed across dimensions - like good music!" B. Bones hooted loudly, strumming his guitarro in an attempt to tune it to Cyborg Franky's guitar

"Or fine cola! You bros do know what cola is, right? If not, I bet I can get y'all hoes and bros a recipe from the D... Hey wait, where's the Duck?" Android Franky cheered before looking around in confusion.

A resounding smack echoed under the table. Robin scowled briefly as her dainty hands rummaged under the solid wood, only to come back with a red-faced, feathery lecher in tow. A hand-shaped bruise - it looked like it might have been caused by Brook, judging from the bony imprints - glowed in sharp relief as the skeleton smugly smoothed Nico Robin's dress back over her shapely knees. Robin the dryad retrieved the contrite Cajun fowl before Cyborg Franky could descend into a jealous rant.

"Suitably chastened now?" both Robins asked the young Duck.

"Mais oui, mademoiselles! Ya know Ah couldn' not try!" the Duck chirped before being deposited opposite his doppelganger. The two blonds quickly descended into a fight-cum-lively discussion on which mellorines were les plus belles filles.

Zoro was too busy introducing the Siamese triplets to sake - compliments Death's forgotten bottle - to take note of either ero-cook. Zoro's namesake loved the liquor and displayed a disturbing tolerance; Rozo didn't like the burn in his throat, but the aftertaste was pleasant. Orzo got drunk after two sips and fell asleep muttering about Mihawk and Kuina and oh yeah, right there, harder bitch.

Even such semi-corporeal entities as Luck and Fate could feel a cold sweat breaking out at the thought of these people in the Afterlife. No wonder the dimensions were in disarray! How the hell had the Council expected Death to deal with these weirdos?

"Just trust me - we need them," Death assured both preternatural ladies with a calming pat on their shoulders.

"Oh yeah, what was I saying?" Luffy asked briefly while rubbing his straw-hat over his messy hair. "Oh right! Uncle Death-guy, how about I trade my life for Ace's and everyone else's?"

"Hey, yeah!" Vault-suit Luffy chirped up, pulling idly at the collar of his clothing. "That's a great id-"

The gnoll and her fully human counterpart were quick to pound the comment out of either of the Luffys' skulls. When Vault-suit Luffy made a move to shout "Captain's Orders!" his lieutenant and sergeant were ready - he was forced to try speaking around two half-boots. Zoro and Sanji used the more expedient method and gagged their captain with hastily formed "Simon Says" commands and the swordsman's bandanna.

"Please ignore these idiots," Nami the human giggled lightly - most of the men and the Robins would have sworn to the brief presence of an orange, demonic tail and evilly sharp golden horns, but everyone had wisely decided to shut their mouths with the snarling, inter-sexed hyena threatening them all with a horrible death and a mass paupers' grave as their final resting place if they even thought about speaking out of turn.

Sabo shielded Traffie's eyes (as if that could somehow protect the boy-genius from the insanity taking place) then looked at Ace, who was yawning broadly despite the commotion.

"Dude, are they always like this?" Sabo asked, a bit of incredulous fear tainting his coarse voice while Traffie tried very hard to get a glimpse of some panties or blood around the ghoul's fingers - he wasn't a picky kid.

"Man, you have no idea," Ace muttered before yawning loudly and head-banging the desk as he fell asleep. Sabo sighed and rolled his brother's head to one side, freeing the tanned devil-fruit user's nose.

Lady Luck and Femme Fate turned back to regard Death skeptically.

"Death, hun, talk to us seriously. The Council actually needs these people?" Luck asked en sotto voce, clearly disturbed that she had been unwittingly favorable to such misfits.

"I must have mis-woven the Threads somewhere. Fingers must be getting arthritic again. I let these morons loose?"Fate muttered to herself, drawing a number of colored cloths from under her robes and inspecting them meticulously.

Death merely sighed and nodded, before swiping the liquor from the Zoros and draining back a goodly set.

"Yes, the Council needs these people in particular - even more so than that Naruto kid, and you would not believe the troubles I had with that one." the male being groaned while rolling his eyes at the traumatic memories. Rearranging his black cloak, the Abyss, around his knees in a much more comfortable manner, he brought the two crews back to the matter at hand

"Alright, you trans-universal nuisances, can it and listen up!" he yelled loudly, making himself heard over the din. There was an almost audible grinding of gears as everyone's chatter and motions froze dead. Aokiji would have mistakenly assumed that he'd casted Ice Age in his sleep again if he'd been present.

"This is what we're going to do." Death bellowed. "I want a list of everyone you want exempted from these dealings. Then, my negotiators and yours are going to go to work and you others can go do something non-destructive, for fuck's sake! I have enough penalties on my head without you people spawning another universe and quadrupling my workload."

"Yes, that sounds plausible," the Namis replied in synch before scooting out of their chairs and stepping away from the table on either side.

"Oi, you ingrates and Ane-san!"

"You muties and freaks, get over here! You too, big sis!"

No-one bothered to claim Ace as yet, so Sabo just shrugged and removed his top hat, allowing him to scratch his impossibly matted hair before drawing out a package of jerky and a spare bottle of "Pick-me-Up" from inside the tattered head-wear.

"Lunch?" he offered to the entities still seated at the table. Traffie shrugged as the powerful beings scorned the meal, grabbing two handfuls of the suspicious jerky as his Baso-papa swallowed the maroon, fermented drink in large gulps.

"Who invited you again, zombie?" Death groused as he reclaimed his own, never-ending bottle of liquor. "You know, I get this funny feeling I should remember you..."

"Sabo! You're alive!"Monkey D. Luffy suddenly wailed as he jumped onto the ghoul's head, causing him to broadcast his liquid lunch across the table. The East Blue pirates slapped their hands over their faces while Franky and Brook sighed and shook their heads wisely as Robin explained the situation to Chopper.

"Seriously, he only now noticed that zombie?" Usopp asked in a tired tone. He tried very hard to pretend that his crew could negate the obvious, but that never had worked very well for him.

"Come on! You and Traffie need to meet my nakama! Oh, and bring Ace too!"

As the Straw-hat captain dragged Ace and Sabo off in his wiry arms with Traffie on his shoulders, the Vault-suit leader tracked them with large, opalescent eyes.

Death merely sighed and asked the Weird Sisters for a good laundry detergent. And headache relief.

[~~~]

Monkey D. Luffy was choking on so much - so much! - emotion, but something told him that this was not the time to reveal it - even if he'd just found out that not one, but both of his beloved brothers were still alive! A sort of foggy feeling was weighing very heavily on his mind, effectively smothering the sheer joy trying to burst through his body, the massive guilt he'd carried for ages weighing down his back, the raw rage of Sabo being alive and not telling them - he'd cried for weeks after hearing the news!

Still, in retrospect, the death of Sabo had not destroyed him as completely as Ace's death had threatened to. It was still there, lurking just outside the corner of his mind he'd labeled "Mysterious Stuff Not to Think About Ever." As he'd journeyed through this dark, weird place looking for Ace with Traffie on his back, he'd had to fight the images that'd sprung unbidden in front of him.

Ace, manacled in seastone - wade on through.

Ace, blocking an unstoppable fist of lava - march forward.

Ace, blood (so much gallonsandgallons of) and few remaining guts pouring out onto his knees - step right over it.

The rubber teen struggled briefly against a greater force, his will-death-kill-fortheyareMINE building up to near-maddening, inhuman levels before he glanced to his right and caught Ace's face glowing next to him.

Alive.

Safe.

Here.

The fog descended again, just a bit heavier than before. His haki was smothered out, but he knew - somehow - that the sensation of powerlessness would last for mere moments. He took that time to regard the person lecturing him.

The old uncle was really, really, really skinny, even skinnier than Brook! He was wrapped in a really, really, really dark cloak - no telling if he wore anything under it. Not even shoes were visible under all that- that- Blackness. Everything about the old guy was really, really, really familiar - maybe he was a zombie like the ones they fought in that mysterious, foggy place?

"But Shanks! Your arm!"

"They lit up all of the trash!"

"Looks like I can't get out of this one!"

Oh. Wait. That's why he was familiar.

The old guy had been right in front of him for years now - Luffy actually didn't know if he had ever not been aware of the shadowy figure's presence. True, he'd only catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye, but now that he was in front of his face - yeah, he was pretty sure it was the same guy-

The fog pressed down again. Luffy was beginning to wonder if it was from thinking too hard. He never did like thinking - it always tended to muddle up the easy stuff. Instead of continuing the annoying task of thinking and making things more complicated than necessary, Luffy took some time to observe the mysterious version of himself. The Not-Him? The Other Luffy - yeah, he like that!

The Other Luffy was constantly wiggling closer to Ace - it was really weird. He'd look up into Ace's face with a freaky look and big, shiny eyes (were his eyes that bright and shiny? Is that how he got Sanji to give him more meat?) - sorta like when he was thinking about Nami-

Like how Sanji would think about Nami and Robin. Yeah, that was it! He could almost see the hearts in the Other Luffy's eyes when he looked at Ace and that was just creepy. Not cause he liked a guy (cause hey, you like what you like), but because it was his Ace, not the Other Luffy's Ace!

The Other Luffy met his eyes briefly. It was enough.

'Pain-pain-pain-ACE-LOVE-NO-PAIN-hot-hard-pain-NOT-DIE-ACE-pain-LOST-THEM-ALL!-pain-pain-pain-!'

Oh.

Oh.

Monkey D. Luffy felt it down to his toes. They had made a connection. Like lightning to earth – raw power to rank stubbornness. There was a crater in his mind from the sheer force of it.

But this was still his Ace. His brother. He wasn't going to lose him to anyone. And now that he knew Sabo was still alive and still kicking and still carrying lead, he was pretty sure that Death would have to take both him and Ace out to get his hands on the ghoul. No matter what the estranged noble boy had become, neither of his brothers were going to leave him again.

They would never be apart. Ever. With that in mind, Luffy pulled down on Hat and actually made an effort to understand Nami's scheming machinations.

[~~~]


Author says:

Sorry for such a long break in this series. Life was royally handing me my behind on a platter. I hope this is enjoyable for you loyal readers. :D