Once we got home, I put my stuff away and returned downstairs to my Dad. He was sitting on the couch, and beckoned me to join him. I sat beside him and leaned on him, letting out a sigh.
"Ask me anything, darlin'," he whispered, "Anything you want to know about her."
"How did she," I paused for a moment, "How did she die?"
Dad clearly hadn't been expecting that question, as he froze for a few seconds. After my words sunk in, I saw tears form in his eyes. I immediately regretted my choice.
"I'm sorry," I whispered frantically, as Dad had put his head in his hands, "You don't have to answer."
"No, no," Dad closed his eyes, "You should know. I just…I've never had to tell it before. I hope it doesn't upset you too much."
He pulled me onto his knee, and I rested my head on his shoulder. I slid my hand in his for security.
"You and Izzy, you'd been home for about a month. You'd been suffering with a minor infection, and your mother watched over you constantly until you recovered. Just a few days later, when she began to relax a little, I heard her scream from your room.
"Izzy!" she was shrieking, but then she began to shout for me. I ran into the room, finding you screaming from the disturbance and your mom on the floor in absolute hysterics, holding Izzy in her arms.
"My baby girl!" she wailed as she handed over your sister to me. She ran to the phone, leaving me alone in the room. I was terrified, staring at my own daughter's lifeless body in my arms. She looked as if she was sleeping, and for a moment I was positive she was, hoping that Alice was just overreacting. But then I felt her little hand…"
Dad hesitated, closing his eyes and trying to repress the memory, "It was so cold…I didn't forget it for weeks…I can feel it now."
He stared at my hand joined with his, squeezing mine a little in order to feel some warmth. I blinked away a few tears.
"Alice was hysterical…she was screaming down the phone to her father…getting so angry at him.
"You have to save her! My Izzy! Save her!" she was screaming, but then got more and more demanding as he tried to calm her down. I kissed Izzy's cheek softly, laying her down in her crib and trying to calm Alice down. I took her into my arms, trying to stay strong as she broke down into more hysterics. She kept whispering things, about how it was her fault, how she'd failed as a mother. It broke me to hear such things, as I couldn't have imagined a better mother for you both.
Your Grandfather came over with several doctors, who took Izzy away for tests. They said they'd need to run tests on you as well, in case it was a condition you both shared. Your mother, she begged for them to save her, she begged for her to go with them, and I was forced to restrain her as she got violent with desperation. She calmed down after an hour, and by that time you'd calmed down to sleep again. She sat by your crib and lifted you, cuddling you and talking to you softly. She was saying things like "Say strong, little one. You need to stay strong for Mommy." And "It's alright…Mommy and Daddy are here, we'll protect you."
After she said that, she broke down all over again, calling herself a bad mother for not preventing Izzy death.
I took her to bed, but at about two in the morning I woke up to hear her running from our room. I followed her instantly as she grabbed her coat and headed for the door."
"Where was she going?" I asked, and Dad sighed and shook his head.
"I have no idea. No one knows. She didn't tell me, but I think that she was going to try and get Izzy back. It's the only reason I could think of. I took her by the shoulders and stopped her in her tracks, turning her to face me.
"Where are you going?" I frowned, and she kissed me softly.
"I love you," she whispered, and went outside, dropping her coat at my feet. I went to follow her, until I heard a screech of breaks and a small crash. Before the crash, I heard her scream."
"Oh, no!" I blurted out, my hand over my mouth as the tears began flowing properly. Dad cuddled me close and stroked my hair, waiting for me to calm down before he continued. I knew what was coming.
"I ran outside and found her curled up on her side in the road. I knelt by her, looking so frail and fragile in the middle of the road. There was no blood, and her eyes were closed. I pressed two fingers into her neck to find a pulse, and to my relief I found one. Her breathing was shallow and harsh, and when I took her bruised hand she began to respond.
"Jazz?" she whispered.
"I'm here," I soothed, tears falling down my cheeks as I stroked her hair softly. The driver got out of her car; she'd been on her mobile and hadn't noticed Alice until it was too late. The damage had been done, and I refused to accept her apology. If she had been concentrating on the road, Alice could still be here now. I told her to call an ambulance, and then completely ignored her presence.
"Look after our Jazzy. She needs you," Alice reached her hand to me, and it was shaking violently.
"Stay with me, Alice. An ambulance is coming, you're going to be alright," I said frantically, but Alice shook her head a little.
"I'm…I'm…" she stuttered, "I don't want to leave you and Jazzy."
"You won't, you're going to get better," I failed to hold back the tears, "I can't do this on my own, Alice!"
Her shaking hand came in contact with my face, "Shh, shh," she whispered, whimpering in pain, "Hold me, Jazz."
I knew moving her could worsen her injuries, and so I had no idea what to do. I wanted to make her comfortable, I wanted to hold her, but then again, I wanted her to be as undamaged as possible. I gently moved her as slowly as I could manage, cradling her like a baby and supporting her head.
"My angel," I began to cry properly, "Keep talking to me, keep talking. Don't lose focus."
"I love you," Alice whispered, "Spoil our Jazzy. Treat her like a princess."
Dad's voice cracked, unable to keep himself together. He hugged me close and I clung to him, crying with him quietly.
"The ambulance arrived, just as she took her last breath. I clung to her, screaming and longing for her to wake up. Her eyes were open and staring at me, their spark I'd loved replaced with a lifeless glaze. Your grandparents pulled up, both in tears from what they saw."
I was crying harder at the images playing in my head. Dad holding my mom and crying with the agony of his loss. My grandparents crying, something I'd never experienced properly before. I'd seen Grandma get tearful, but I knew she would have been so much worse back then. Grandad never cried. It was unheard of, and I was sure it would freak me out if I had to witness that.
