Hello everybody!

Thanks for the reviews again! Here are a few answers to some of them:

To Rockangel777: Thank you for your answer to my mail and the explanations about my mistakes. There were indeed many "were" used instead of "was" and vice versa. I tried to correct everything, but some mistakes may remain... I am always eager to publish new chapters, and I usually don't notice all my mistakes when I reread myself for the first time... I just hope this chapter won't be too horrible again...

To AyameRose: So I have to choose between suicide and suicide? That's tough! ^-^ Sorry, but I can't let this happen... I won't tell you more about the plot, but you can be sure that Shadow will not kill herself (and this for many reasons...)... In fact, she will fall for Light at first sight, dump L like a dirty sock and become an active member of Kira's harem with Misa and Kiyomi Takada... (Ugh... No way! I am kidding! Who would be crazy enough to dump L?)

To xXDrowningInDarknessXx: I love riddles and puzzles, so no, it didn't take me long to think about the anagram of Shadow's alias... I wrote several possible names, and chose the most credible after searching if they sounded real or not (there may not be real people named Lawliet, but there are definitely real people named Madshaw...).

Another thing before starting: in my fic, L has spent more than 5 years at Wammy's House, which I believe is the truth. In fact, in the manga, the "five years spent in England which have nothing to do with L's identity" are a part of what L tells Light just before they play tennis. Knowing L, there is a very high possibility that it's a lie, partially because England and the origins of L are strongly linked anyway...

I am done with the comments. Here comes the eighth chapter of this fic, which deals with one of my favorite medical pains in the ass: anxiety disorders!

Please read and review!


Life was a strange thing.

Two weeks ago, Shadow was in Russia to enter a piano competition, pretending to be the beloved niece of one of the richest man in England.

Now, she was in one of the most luxurious hotel in New York, and the girl she had pretended to be was dead.

Her fake funeral and L's preparations for his definitive departure from Wammy's House had taken a little less than a week. Watari had not needed a long time to make her a new identity. For some reason, L had decided that every time she would need an alias, it would be name of the heroine of a famous novel or movie. The only purpose of this was to make any research about her more difficult. The boy was choosing celebrities' names for himself. The more famous names were the most convenient, even if the results sounded really weird when anybody was checking their passports. Which had been the case when they left London for New York: one would have never thought about Jane Eyre flying first class with George Harrison...

A strange thing indeed.

It was around half past one in the morning. She had spent the day decoding some files coming from the NYPD. L was going to stay a while in the U.S. to gain a reputation as a private investigator, solving famous cold cases to start with.

Those last days had been tiring. Working with L was not like having fun, or even studying with him. The boy was more serious and more demanding. For the first time of her life, Shadow had actually felt that he was asking things from her. She did not mind his requests, but she did not want to disappoint her friend by not being able to satisfy him...

She was in the middle of her bedroom, rummaging through her luggage that were entirely new. The television was showing the same news as two hours before. She did not remember when it had been off for the last time. The day before, maybe... L was used to having all the appliances around him turned on permanently. After a few days, she was not paying attention to the noise anymore...

They had separated rooms, but it was purely formal, for they were spending all their time in L's place where the computers and the research material were. The door connecting their two suites was never closed. They had been almost always together at the orphanage, so it did not change so much anyway. Shadow was just using the bathroom and the bed of her room, making the fact of paying a very high price for it not totally useless...

She did not really know what she was searching for. Something to wear to sleep... Any change of clothes, for the heat was terrible and she could feel her shirt sticking to her sweaty skin... She was feeling really uncomfortable.

Most of the clothes had still labels on them, and she was wondering if she would ever wear some of them, for she did not really like the style. She would choose her own garments when Watari could get her some catalogues. For now, there were more important things to do, and she would content herself with what she had been given.

She had thought about what L had said about their handler. Watari had been against her coming with them... It was true that she was still a bit young to leave the orphanage, and her training was not complete, but she did not need to be at the House to study, and she would learn a lot while helping L...

But was it the real meaning of this disapproval?

Perhaps the old man had never envisaged including her in L's life. When the man had chosen her to be S, it had been for her to become a potential successor to L, and nothing else... Thinking this way, she had been a failure... but most of the other children she had met there would never reach L's level either... Yet, she was with L now. And, as an unsuccessful subject in Wammy's experiment to find another L, she was not needed.

It sounded logical.

She got her hands on a white night dress, and sighed. What did Watari had with those long, old-fashioned gowns? They were not living in the Victorian era!

And now she was getting mad at some clothes... She needed to relax... But she could not help thinking about Wammy's purposes...

To get the best results, it would have been better for L to be alone, and totally deprived of social interaction. That would have slowly but surely turned him into the most effective criminal case-solving machine in the world.

Wow, that was scary. She now knew how L could be absorbed in his work. This past week, they did not had any of those sweet moments they used to enjoy at the House, even if they had never been so close to each other... Could this worsen?

She was realizing the meaning of L's words when he had said that he needed her to remind him that he was still human... She was the only one who could do that...

Suddenly, she was not sure about this fact anymore...

Maybe that was why Watari was not agreeing with her being there. Maybe she was a failure in this field too, with her strange feelings and all...

Wait. Why was she thinking that already?

Because loving somebody was not enough sometimes, was it? She could be confident in herself, it was maybe not enough to the boy's opinion...

And if she could not help L in this way either... What could she do?

And why understanding this only now, when she could not turn back? Turn back to go where, anyway?

She could feel the pain in her chest, and the tingling in her fingers.

Damn, this had been a while...

One interesting fact about panic attacks was that they were usually coming out of the blue.

She had been thinking about things that made her think about other things that made her think again about...

Stop. Stop. Stop.

What she could be thinking about now was definitely not right. But she could not get rid of it.

Another funny fact about anxiety.

She closed her eyes and tried the usual breathing exercises that were supposed to help her calming down.

It was always the useless thing she was starting with.

She ended up hyperventilating. The doctor who taught her those exercises when she was seven could go to Hell.

It was not getting better.

What if L was seeing her like that?

She would choke to death.

Yes, that was what he needed: a useless anxious girl unable to control her feelings.

She had never really stopped having those nervous issues. But, those past years, they had become rarer... Twice or three times a year, maybe, when she was tired, or feeling a little sad... or lonely.

She had told L about her anxiety problems many times. What she had never told him was that she had had some panic attacks when he had not been at the orphanage... and what she was doing to feel better...

This could not happen...

There were not many places to hide and wait, hoping that it would go away by itself.

Feeling a chill down her spine, she decided to go and take a shower.

Showers were nice. There were hot, clean, and could hide weird noises.

The bathroom was also a wonderful place for anxiety attacks, for it was safe whenever one felt like throwing up or crying, or anything else.

She got rid of her clothes, turned the shower on, crouched on the floor, and waited.

There was nothing else to do...

She was wondering how she could be feeling like that at this moment. There could not have been a worse timing. And thinking about it was not making her feel better.

Thinking was making nothing better.

It was just thinking about thinking about thinking about thinking...

Now she was crying.

This was a perfect example of a mess.

She just wanted it to stop.

And L who was in the next room... L who was always aiming at perfection... What would he think of her?

- What are you doing in here?

Yes. That was what he would be thinking first.

Wait.

She looked up and saw the very surprised face of her friend, who had suddenly opened the shower unit door. Half blinded by the steam, he reached out to turn the tap off.

He was staring at her as if he had found the smallest kitten in the world caught in a storm. And L was certainly not familiar with drenched baby animals.

She was looking terrible.

- What happened?

She only lowered her head and cried.

- I am so sorry...

- About what?

- Everything!

- Oh...

He blinked. Being sorry about everything sounded bad. And illogical. He knew one thing that could make the girl say such nonsense...

- Is it a panic attack?

Ashamed, she nodded. He frowned.

- I should have known it...

Shadow had been there for almost an hour. In the next room, L had started to wonder what the girl could be doing. She had just said she was going to change her clothes. It could not take so much time... So he had torn himself away from the case he was studying to see what could have happened.

It seemed he had made a wise choice.

He grabbed a bathrobe and use it to cover his friend's trembling body.

- Come on, you can't stay like this...

She startled.

- No! It's OK! I'd better stay here... Let me stay here... I am sorry...

- It's not going to get any better this way... Let me help you...

- The bathroom is better if I get sick...

- You can get sick somewhere else.

- L, please...

- No "please". You come with me.

- No...

And, ignoring her cry, he bent down to lift her. He was holding her more like a bag, which was not a very elegant way of carrying somebody, but it was effective, and that was far enough for him.

He quickly went back to his room and laid her down on his bed. Then he got a towel in his bathroom and proceeded to dry her hair. She was still trembling, holding her knees against her chest, tears running down her cheeks.

- I asked you not to take me out of the shower...

- Anxiety makes people say stupid things, you know it...

She bit her lip.

- I am sorry...

- Yeah, you already said it. Do you have some pills to take or something?

- I don't take medicine. It makes my mind all fuzzy... It's like dying...

- I don't mean to laugh at you, but only dead people know how it feels to die... and they can't talk about it so much...

She smiled awkwardly.

- Sorry...

- Saying "sorry" again and again won't change anything...

- Sorry... Ah...

- It's OK... I am sorry too, if you want...

He moved a little away from her to look at her face.

- So... What were you thinking about to get in such a state?

- I am a failure.

- Oh?

- I mean, why would Watari disagree about letting me coming with you, if it wasn't bad for you? Or perhaps he just wanted you to stay alone so he could use you as much as he pleased...

He raised an eyebrow.

- What?

- You said you needed me, but what if I can't make it? What if I can't help you? I will just be a burden, and I have not even been able to realize it before...

- Panic attacks do really make you say stupid things. I don't even want to hear more of it.

- But...

- Listen, if Watari was not fine about you coming, it was because he was worried about you, not me. He didn't want you to live only according to me, but this is your choice, so he has nothing to say about it.

- Anyway, I am so afraid I can't do anything for you... And you always say you don't need anybody who can't do his job properly... You don't need me...

- I would be happy if you stopped thinking for me. I am fine with you, and I really think you can help me. You know that yourself, but you are unable to remember it now. If I wasn't sure about what I am saying, I 'd never have made you come. I am the one who decides here. I am doing what I am doing because I've chosen it. Watari and I have made a deal: I am not his tool or whatever else, I am working as I like, and he helps me because he thinks I am doing right, that's all. If I'd started to do crazy stuff, then maybe It would change, but it's not the case. That's all for my job.

- But what about the...

- When it comes to feelings, I have no complain either.

- I'm so afraid I can't...

- Shadow, look at me.

She slowly looked up at him while rubbing her eyes.

- You haven't forgotten what I said when we faked your death?

She shook her head.

- About reminding you that you are still human...

- That's it. I am sure there are better ways to do it, but this is exactly what you are doing right now...

- I am so stupid!

And then she burst out sobbing again, and threw herself in his arms, almost falling from the bed.

- I just want it to stop...

- Well, just do what you usually do to get better...

She froze.

- It's... difficult...

- As if I didn't know about it...

- No... How did you...?

- You are not the only one who reads medical reports...

- I mean, about how I calm down...

- Hairs in my bed, and I saw the shirt once under your pillow...

- Sorry...

- I will end up strangling you if you say "sorry" again...

- But it's really ridiculous... I was hoping you'd never find out about it...

- I did. So, should I take off my clothes or will you be OK with clean things?

She placed her head in the crook of his neck and inhaled deeply.

- In fact, it's OK like this. Clothes and L together... Could you stay like this?

- It won't be easy...

- It really makes me feel better...

- Well... let me move to the bed too, then... so you'll sleep and I'll still be able to read my reports

- As you want...

She parted from him just to let him sit properly on the bed, and then lied down, clinging on his right arm.

- Will that do it?" he asked while reaching for the file he was examining before. He could only use his left hand, but that would be sufficient.

- Hmm...

She had closed her eyes and seemed to be relaxing. Soon the tears would stop too...

He pulled the sheets of the bed enough to cover her lower body, in order to avoid any embarrassing situation if her bathrobe moved while she was sleeping. It was a good thing the night was warm, because her hair was still wet, and he did not want her to catch a cold after this...

He cocked his head to her side.

Even when she was annoying, she was still funny...

Anyway, he would have to ask her why she needed to sleep in his bed or with one of his old tee shirts to feel better when she was anxious...


Keeping her eyes closed, Shadow took a deep breath.

The pain was gone.

Listening to the noise in the streets outside, she guessed it was still early in the morning. Around six or seven o'clock...

Her head was aching, but it was nothing compared to the horrible sensations caused by the panic attack.

She had slept well. Too well. She had even drooled on L's hand.

Uh-oh.

She suddenly opened her eyes to look at her friend's face above her.

- Yeah, that's definitely not cute... I can't believe I spent hours like this only for you to thank me like that...

She rose a little so he could move his arm and carefully wipe his hand with a tissue. She knew he was partially joking. But only partially...

- Sorry...

- That's far too many "sorry"'s in too few hours...

She lowered her eyes.

- Has it been that bad? I don't remember everything clearly...

- You were naked, crying, talking rubbish and apologizing... The first point would not have been so bad in other circumstances, though...

She blushed.

- Damn...

- Well, it's over, so don't waste time remembering about it... But you have to tell me about the T-shirt thing... and my bed...

- That's embarrassing...

- You owe me that, at least...

- It feels warm.

- And?

- It smells like you.

- ...smells?

He was looking like she had said something utterly disgusting AND stupid.

- There are plenty of sensations I hate when I feel anxious, you know... So many noises, and tastes, and odors... But your smell... it makes me feel nice...

- I didn't know I was stinking so much...

- That's not it! In fact, it's the opposite. You just smell clean... Fresh, clean... and like sweets, but that's when you've just finished eating...

- I am relieved I don't spend so much time scrubbing myself everyday for nothing...

- That's very reassuring, you know...

- Hmmm...

- What's with this look?

- I didn't know that you were a fetishist...

Her cheeks turned dark pink...

- I know it's weird... but the first time I did it, it worked, so I just carried on without thinking... I won't do it again...

- "Why only get the clothes if you can have the whole body", that's it?

Her face reddened even more.

- Sort of...

- Ok. So, from tonight, you'll sleep in my bed, and we'll try to avoid new anxious episodes...

- What about you?

- Since I only use my bed for sleeping in your lap, it doesn't change anything... As long as you don't drool all over me...

- Please, stop! I am really ashamed of that... of everything, in fact...

His eyes became more serious.

- No need... and no more apologies...

- But I have been really terrible!

- Look at me.

- Yes?

- I don't sit or hold things like everybody else. I almost don't sleep. And I am constantly eating sweet things. Only sweet things.

- So what?

- So that allows you to have some strange behaviors sometimes too, I think...

Then he got what he wanted: a smile.

- That's better.

He left the bed.

- Now I need a big breakfast, with a lot of sugar... and you...

He glanced at her.

- You need to wear more clothes than that.

Slightly embarrassed, she wondered for a few seconds if he was looking at her bathrobe, or at her body it was not hiding so much...

He couldn't have really watched her like this, could he?

Or was it only in her head?

Dear... was she starting to have a "teenager's dirty mind", too?