So these are the lyrics from the song that inspired this story. And we all should recognize the artist as Andrew Belle :)
Don't wanna sound ridiculous
but I think you know I'm sick of this
and I kinda think that we can bend, do you?
I'll try to be a better friend to you
you know I miss ya in my life
and I kinda think that I realise
that I was only lookin' out for me
instead of gettin' you the help you need
He's sitting at Cafe Amour Le Sur alone, his leg twitching, up and down, up and down waiting for Kate to get here. He's more than nervous; about three floors up from it. He's fidgety and flustered, jittery and jumpy, on edge. He tries to make himself breathe through it but this is Kate Beckett he's dealing with. This is the girl who isn't afraid to state her opinions, wears her heart on her sleeve when it comes to those she loves, her family. Once upon a time he was on that list. So he needs to play his cards right here. Because if he's still on that list then what he says and how he says it will go a long way and he doesn't want it to go the wrong one. This may be his last chance to make things right with her, this might be the last time he ever gets to see her.
He has to find the words. He has to find the right words to make her stay, to make her forgive him. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if she doesn't let go of the anger and resentment he knows she harbors. He doesn't want that for her. She's always been fragile and a person can only live with a tragedy like this for but so long before they explode. And he knows, even if he is here, she wouldn't let him save her, she wouldn't let him catch her as she falls into that pit of nothingness that consumed her when she was younger. He can't let that happen, he can't allow her to spiral back down. If she hasn't already. It has been sixteen years after all.
He huffs out a breath, frustrated with himself. He has no idea what he's going to say. He tried not to plan it out last night, but his damn writers brain is trying to make it poetic, sound pretty enough that she'll fall right back into his arms. But he can't do that. Kate deserves the truth. Raw, blunt, honest truth. Not some tale he spun to make it into a descent story. But his mind does this automatically. And Kate's nobody's fool, she'll see right through him and his attempt to try to swoon her, pretty her up to get her to take him back as a friend. She'll see right through that act and dismiss anything else he'd have to say.
So he isn't planning. He's gonna say what's on his heart and wing it.
A woman comes up to his table. She's shorter than Kate but something in her eyes and stance tell him she's just as strong as Kate is. Maybe even more willing to express her feelings. He recognizes her from the night he bumped into her and her friends.
"Richard?" She asks first, even though he's sure she knows she has the right man. She's all attitude and anger directed at him. Not at the circumstances but him.
"Yes?"
"Let me tell you something. If you hurt this girl again I will personally see to it that you suffer for the rest of your life. You understand? What you let happen to her is unforgivable. I don't even know why she's seeing you right now. I don't know why she even still loves you. But you better not hurt her again."
"I don't plan on it. I just want to talk to her. The last thing I want is to cause her any more pain." He's finding it difficult to speak, scared he'll say the wrong thing and she'll bite his head off.
"Okay then," she says, her voice softening. She reaches over to him and fixes his collar. "Good luck."
He's never been more confused in his life.
Kate arrives two minutes after her friend leaves. She's wearing a red summer dress for the warm weather and ballet flats. Her hair is in a low pony tail that's swept over one shoulder.
He stands when she gets to the table and flashes her a smile. He doesn't put his heart in it because he knows their conversation is going to spiral down from pleasantries and smiles soon.
"Hey," she says. He holds her chair out for her and he sees her suppress a smile.
"Hi."
They don't speak for a while, not until a waitress comes out to take their drink orders. Kate's having a cherry lemonade and he gets the same thing.
"Have you ever eaten here before?" She asks looking over the menu.
"Yeah." He brought Alexis here about a month ago but she said she didn't like it. Said it was too loud and messed up her "internal equilibrium." Her words not his.
Sometimes he believes she's a fifty year old college professor in a four year olds body. It's weird.
"My friend and I from work escape here when we purposely want to be late going back after lunch."
Despite himself he laughs. "Sounds like you hate your job there Kate."
She shrugs. "It can be hard at times. I like it for the most part."
He watches her as she skims the menu. Her eyes never lingering on one thing for more than a millisecond. She's already made up her mind and is just trying to buy time. Maybe she's just as nervous as he is.
"Why did you ask me to brunch Kate?" He asks when the waitress comes back with their drinks and takes their orders. He try's not to look disappointed when they don't get the same thing. Guess more has changed than he'd like to admit.
"I wanted to know more about how you're doing. Where you're living, what you're doing, who you're seeing. That kinda stuff."
She folds her hands together and leans on the table. Her left hand is on top and her wedding is shining, glinting off the sunlight. He wants to chuck it across the galaxy. But he's glad she's "happy."
"I actually don't live here. I live in a small town right next to London."
"London? As in Canada?"
"As in England."
She chokes on her juice, sets the cup down, and wipes her mouth with a napkin.
"Why all the way out there? Across the world?" He thinks he's detecting something forlorn and lonely in her voice. Because he's a selfish man hopelessly in love with this woman he likes that the thought of him living thousands of miles away makes her sad. Yeah, he's far gone. She put her hooks in him years ago and never stopped pulling.
"I like the environment. My place is kind of...isolated. We live in front of this huge landscape and I wish you could see it in the summer. It's beautiful and fun, in the winter? Breathtaking."
He doesn't mention the school program set up for kids who are years above their grade level. He thinks Alexis will do great there next fall when she starts school.
"What do you do? All the way out there. Must be amazing."
Before he has time to speak his phone starts chiming next to his glass on the table. The caller ID reads "Alexis."
"I'm sorry I have to take this."
He answers the phone with "hey sweetie," before walking away out of ear shot.
He doesn't see Kate deflate in her seat.
When he comes back to claim his seat he's smiling for real now.
"Sorry. She missed me."
"I know the feeling," Kate says, sighing.
He should tell her Alexis is his daughter. He really should, but he feels like that'll hurt her and the last thing he wants is to cause her more grief. A girlfriend is expendable. A daughter? That's for keeps. Forever.
"Amazingly lonely," he says out the blue.
"Huh?"
"It's amazing lonely. I got signed with a publishing company and moved out there after my first book. Being alone for all that time...lets just say I've stopped drinking hard liquor."
Except for last night.
"You're a writer?" Her face lit up in exuberance. She's beaming with happiness and it's all directed at him, for him.
"Yes."
"You did it! Rick that's amazing I'm so happy for you!"
"Thank you thank you." He doesn't want this to be about him.
"So what's your best book? I want to read them all."
"Best selling wise? I'd say my second Derrick Storm novel. But to me In a Hail of Bullets will always hold a special place in my heart."
She furrows her brow and bites her lip. Now that she's older, it does things to him it didn't when they were in high school. Inappropriate things.
"Derrick...storm?" She asks timidly. "As in Richard Castle?"
"Yeah. You've heard of me?"
"Yeah-no. No. My mom had one of your books once and told me about it." He nods understandably. "Wow Castle! I can't believe I never put two and two together."
"That's okay," he says as the waitress sits their food down in front of them. "I kinda wish you perused writing too. You were good. Helped me be where I am today."
"No I can't take credit. You made yourself famous."
"I still have your lists and rules you made me. When I moved to England I thought I lost them and I called you that day to see if you'd rewrite them for me but-"
"You hung up! I remember that day!"
"Really?"
"Yes! I was really stressed out about something. I don't remember what but I remember sitting at my old desk when my phone rang. When you hung up it did nothing but agitate me more."
"Hmm," he smiles shyly. Afraid their conversation is about to take a turn for the worst.
She takes her fork and fiddles with her omelette, essentially thinking the same thing he is. That if he never hung up how it would've changed her mood that day. So early in their separation, the pain he caused still raw, bitter, bone deep. Unlike now where it just lingers in the back of her mind, a dull ache.
But it's still a constant reminder of the pain he put her through. A constant ache, a never ending throb.
All in the back of her mind.
That makes it worse because it's always there. She can move on, be happy, but it's always there telling her that she isn't properly healed. He left his mark.
Shit.
"Kate I-"
"Don't say it. Don't say you're sorry. I know you're sorry."
"I don't even know what came over me that night. I hadn't been drinking and we were in a good place. I don't know why I left. And it's the most stupid decision I've ever made in my life."
She doesn't look at him. Just keeps messing with her omelette. "It was because I slept with that guy wasn't it?" She asks softly. "Because after I told you we weren't the same after that."
"No! I-"
"I hated you our second year. Did you know that? You called me to tell me you lost your virginity to an older woman. I was pissed!" She drops her fork, leans back in her chair. "I always thought that we'd be each other's first."
"I wanted us to be too. God Kate I was in love with you!"
She stands then, anger drawn perfectly on her face, but her voice is quiet, but firm. "You don't get to do that. You. Don't." She sniffs, takes a deep breath. "I. Me. I was in love with you. You were my everything. You saved me from myself and continued to do that everyday since we met. You're all I thought about when we weren't together. At night, in the morning before school. I couldn't sleep, or eat, or read, or write, or do anything goddamn thing without you in my head!" She pauses, her voice a whisper now of unshed tears. "You were everywhere. And I loved you."
"If I had known-"
"Oh don't give me that shit! You knew. Our parents knew, even our damn teachers knew Rick so don't give me that crap!"
He stands too, not liking the feeling of being overpowered.
"Okay so maybe I had an inkling Kate. But I didn't stop you from jumping off a roof to get in your pants. I had no intention of falling in love with you!"
A manager comes outside to their table then asks them if everything is alright.
"Yes. Yes. We're sorry. We'll keep it down."
"Thank you."
"So why did you? Fall in love with me? If you had no intention too," Kate sneered when she sat back down.
"It's impossible not to fall in love with you. I don't even know what it was at first. You were so cute and shy and we had so much in common. You thought my mom was cool not weird, and you didn't press me about my father. I don't know Kate," he sighs. "I can't explain why I'm in love with you."
"If you were so in love with me why did you leave that night? Why did you let me get raped?" She fumes, wiping ferociously at the tears spilling from her eyes.
"Katie-"
"I called for you."
Stop.
"I called and called."
Stop it, please.
"But you never came."
He can't take it.
"I fought them as hard as a could. Broke one of their noses."
"I'm so sorry Kate. So sorry," he cries covering his face.
"Yeah," she sighs. "You've said that."
