Author's Note: I won't keep you. Just read.
Priorities
I sat on my bed staring at the book in my lap, but I couldn't focus on the words. The last week had been awful. Ever since Monday morning. Hermione had botched a potion, which was extremely odd by itself, but then, after class…
My stomach still turned to remember it. I could not imagine what she saw in Sirius Black. Sure, I supposed he was attractive, if you happened to like the kind of man who probably found himself prettier than any of the many girls he shagged. And I supposed he could be considered charming if you found arrogance charming.
No, I didn't understand it at all. I'd really thought that Hermione had higher standards than that. I'd been convinced, not long ago, that she wasn't interested in dating anyone at all. Maybe she'd chosen Sirius because she just wanted someone to shag with no strings attached.
Merlin, that didn't make it much better. Now I had that imagine in my head.
Noticing that it was time for dinner, I reluctantly pulled myself up and started toward the Great Hall. I hadn't exactly been avoiding Hermione since Monday, but I definitely hadn't been seeking out her company either. She hadn't mentioned anything to me about Monday morning, which I took to mean that she didn't feel the need to disabuse me of the notion that she was shagging the prat. She also, evidently, didn't feel the need to share anything about it with me.
Okay, so I was a little glad for that part. The last thing I wanted was for her to treat me like a girlfriend and fill me in on those sordid little details.
The meal was quiet, as all our meals had been this week. I wasn't going out of my way to talk to Hermione and she didn't seem to feel that need either. It turned my stomach, but I had the feeling that it wasn't going to be too much longer before she gave up sitting with me altogether. Probably if Sirius was in Slytherin, she'd have done it already.
Hermione always disappeared after dinner, so I didn't even bother looking at her as I started back toward my room. I figured I'd probably spend the rest of the night staring at a book and not reading it while I lamented what Hermione and I had never really had.
"Severus, can we talk?" Hermione's voice startled me just when I was nearing the stairs down to the dungeons.
"I need to study, Hermione," I said cautiously, afraid of what she might suddenly want to talk to me about.
"This is important," she entreated gravely.
I sighed and nodded. Evidently, I was still incapable of denying her anything. The woman was going to be the death of me. Maybe tonight if she started talking about Sirius.
"My room?" she suggested with a smile that was off and not at all happy.
I nodded and started down the steps, trying to figure out what this could be about. Would she tell me about Sirius? Would she try to get me to play nice with them the way that Lily had done?
Lily. Gods. This was distressingly familiar. Lily had fallen for one of the Marauders. That had been the beginning of the end for us. I really hated my life.
Hermione led me into her room and I muttered the passphrase before entering. By the grace of God, I am what I am. It seemed terribly ironic at the moment. What I was would never be good enough…
Hermione closed the door behind us, then sat down on the sofa.
Though pacing would have suited me better, I followed her, sitting right at the edge of the seat while I waited to see if she meant to tear my heart out and in what manner.
"What is it?" I asked heavily when she didn't seem inclined to speak first.
She took a deep, nervous breath. "You've noticed that I've been a bit distracted lately."
I frowned and nodded. Here is comes.
"Well, you see, Professor Dumbledore has…"
Okay, not what I was expecting.
"He's organized a group of people to… To oppose Voldemort."
My heart stuttered at the name, as it always did. I didn't understand why she so stubbornly used it all the time. And where was she going with this?
"I've joined it," she said uncomfortably.
My eyes widened as I tried to align my mind to the topic. "I don't understand," I admitted. "What… What exactly does this 'group' do?"
"Lots of things," she shrugged tensely. "Um, except for the student members, I guess. We'll just be getting extra training, preparing to join the war when we graduate. I, um… I was hoping that you'd join as well."
I stared at her for a long moment as I tried to figure this out. She was asking me to join Dumbledore's… what? Private army? I could see why he'd want Hermione in it. She was downright scary in a duel, and obviously driven by what had happened to her parents, but I just couldn't see him wanting me. "The headmaster wants me to join?" I asked warily.
She frowned and nodded.
"I've never gotten the impression that he trusted me," I explained, since she seemed confused. "Or that he cared for me at all, actually," and that was as nice as I could possibly put it. The man seemed to take pleasure in seeing me punished for crap the Marauders did to me.
"Well, he trusts me," she said somewhat sharply. "There is no one who wants to destroy Voldemort more than I do, and he knows that. And I trust you, Severus."
"So you had to beg him to let me join, did you?" I asked bitterly. I could almost see that conversation playing out.
"Severus, no!" she snapped. "You are the most intelligent and powerful wizard of your age that I have ever met. He'd be an idiot not to see how much good you could do with the Order."
I felt like she'd slapped me. How had I not seen this sooner? She saw me as an asset. Well, I really shouldn't have been so surprised. I'd known from the beginning that there had to be another reason for her befriending me. I was just angry with myself for ever considering otherwise.
"Is this why you've been my friend then?" I sneered bitterly. "Just to get me to join your stupid war? You're as bad as Slughorn and all the rest!" I needed to leave. Now. Before I reached for my wand.
"Severus, wait!" she cried, somehow managing to beat me to the door. She all but threw herself against it, preventing me from leaving without moving her. "That is not true!" she insisted.
Part of me wanted to draw my wand and insist that she let me leave. That stupid little hopeful part of me made me wait to see what she would say, praying that she could prove my fears wrong. I ended up just staring at her.
"Severus, I am your friend because I enjoy being with you," she entreated.
I stared at her, unable to determine if she was as earnest as she appeared.
"I'm your friend because you'll sit and do homework with me for hours and never get bored or annoyed," she continued, her tone becoming slightly frantic. "Because your mind challenges me as no one else ever has. Because you make me laugh. Because you're brave enough to not give a whit what our idiot classmates think of you!"
I swallowed hard as the words rushed out of her. Her eyes began to shine with unshed tears. Maybe I had been wrong to jump to conclusions.
"Because you've seen me at my very worst and you comforted me," she said unsteadily. "You held me instead of laughing or leaving. Because you're a good man." The tears escaped her eyes and she looked down quickly as if to hide them. "Damn it, Severus, you're my only friend in the entire world," she gasped out and my resolve crumbled.
I took a step forward and pulled her into my arms. If I needed any more proof of what she'd said, it came in the form of her whole body softening against me. I didn't understand what there was between her and Sirius, and I didn't fully know what to think of Dumbledore's little group, but I believed that I did matter to Hermione. No one was that good of an actor.
I drew her back to the sofa and sat down. She folded herself into my lap readily and buried her face in my chest. Merlin, but it felt good.
"Shh, Hermione, it's okay," I said quietly, softly rubbing her back with one hand while the other gently cradled her neck. "I'm sorry. That was stupid of me. I'm sorry." Truly, it was stupid of me. I'd jumped to conclusions. I hadn't given her a chance. Things had been tense between us all week, but the previous two months should have been enough for me to understand that she really cared about my friendship.
It was just so strange to me. It was strange to honestly believe that there was someone who could care about me, who could value me the way that she seemed to.
"You don't have to join the Order," she said quietly after a while. "It's important to me, Severus, but it's not as important as you."
My heart almost stopped at hearing that. I held her a little tighter and rested my head on her soft hair. More than anything else could have, what she had just said made me really consider the offer. "Can I think about it?" I asked quietly.
"Of course," she replied immediately, then sighed heavily and softened against me.
I continued to rub her back and just tried to enjoy her closeness while it lasted. She may never want me the way that I wanted her, but I didn't even care anymore. I wouldn't make the same mistake I'd made with Lily. I would keep Hermione's friendship even if she married that prat.
"I don't know what I'd do without you," she said softly.
"I'm not going anywhere, Hermione," I said, and I made it a vow in my mind.
Her arm coiled around my chest and I forced my thoughts away before my body could react. Madam Wynsor in lingerie did the trick. I changed the style in my head every time Hermione shifted slightly in my lap.
Oh yes, this beautiful, confounding witch would most certainly be the death of me.
~.~.{o}.~.~
I was only just beginning to become aware of where I was when Hermione jumped off me, starling me into full awareness. I stared silently at her back for a moment. By the way her shoulders moved, she was breathing heavily. Gods, had we both fallen asleep like that?
I shifted uncomfortably and felt my face heat when I realized that I had a rather unmistakable hard on. And she'd been in my lap. Merlin. That was embarrassing.
I cast a quick tempus to check the time. Still an hour before breakfast. Good. I really needed to compose myself. I cleared my throat quietly. She didn't move. "Well, ah. I should probably get back to my room. Good morning."
"Good morning," she replied without turning around, her tone tense.
I let myself out, wondering if our relationship was going to be better or worse for what had happened since dinner last night.
I returned to my room as quickly as I could and slumped down onto my bed, glaring at the traitorous bulge in my trousers that had ruined what may otherwise have been a pleasant way to wake up. Not that I was in any way surprised. Hermione in my lap was just about the most arousing thing I'd ever experienced in my life. When I wasn't distracted by her tears, this situation was rather inevitable.
I drummed my fingers on my thigh for a moment, contemplating a cold shower. I really should, but… I could not stop thinking about her weight on top of me. Her soft body in my arms. My fingers tangled in her curls. Her warm breath on my neck…
Oh, sod it all!
I opened my trousers and slipped my hand inside. I was so hard it was almost painful. I was sure I'd still have plenty of time to get a shower before breakfast.
~.~.{o}.~.~
Hermione was a few minutes later than usual getting to breakfast. I had to suppress a relieved sigh when she sat down next to me. I'd been a bit worried that she might avoid me after this morning.
She started eating without even looking at me though, much less greeting me. After a few minutes of silence, I decided to say something.
"Hermione," I said uncertainly. "Ah, about last night."
I saw her looked up and scan our surroundings as though she was afraid of being overheard. No doubt Sirius wouldn't be thrilled to hear this.
After a moment, she looked at me with a small smile, "Really, Severus, it's not a big deal," she said simply. "Honestly, it was a bit disorienting to wake up like that, but not a big deal."
I tried to smile. She didn't seem to be upset with me, which was good. It seemed like she wasn't going to be awkward about it.
She returned to her food as though that was everything that could need to be said on the subject.
I tried to follow suit, but I wasn't feeling quite so cavalier about it. Maybe it really had been nothing more than mildly embarrassing to her, but… Well, it felt like more to me.
Damn, I was a fool. How could I possibly remain her friend without constantly wanting more? Would I ever be able to resign myself to the inevitable? Would it ever cease to sting that she didn't see me that way?
Why in Merlin's name did I always fall so hard for women?
Hermione was eating quickly. Before I'd even realized it, she was pushing away her plate. "I have some things to take care of today," she explained quickly. "I'm going to head to my house, so I may not be back until late."
"Okay," I said uncertainly. I was glad that she'd felt the need to share that with me. The way things had been between us the last week, I didn't think she would have. I was also disappointed that I wouldn't see her all day and that she was being so elusive about exactly what she was doing.
There was a whole beggars and choosers thing that was probably relevant though, so I didn't press my luck.
"I guess I'll see you later then," I said since I wasn't sure what else to say.
She smiled, "Maybe we can catch up on some homework tomorrow?"
I couldn't help but smile at the hopeful note in her voice. She actually wanted to spend Sunday with me. Not Sirius or anyone else. Even if it was just to study. "Sounds good."
I felt her hand press down on my shoulder as she got up, and she squeezed gently before walking away briskly.
I sternly told myself not to read into that.
~.~.{o}.~.~
I hadn't seen Hermione at all after breakfast on Saturday and was beginning to wonder if she'd ever come back last night as I was finishing my breakfast Sunday morning. I was just starting to get up when she arrived, dropping herself onto the bench next to me and attacking the food like she hadn't eaten since yesterday morning.
I'd never seen her tuck in with such… dedication before. I waited a few minutes but when she didn't seem like she was going to be slowing any time soon, I finally asked, "Did everything go okay yesterday?"
She nodded and paused in her eating long enough to swallow and speak, "As well as I expected," she answered before immediately shoveling in another large mouthful of waffles.
I gave her a couple more minutes before speaking again. "You still want to study today?"
She nodded.
"Where do you want to start?" I pressed. It was nearly time for breakfast to be over, so I didn't assume she could continue eating this way too much longer even if her stomach allowed.
It took a moment before she could speak. "How about Arithmancy?" she suggested. "I think I need something relaxing this morning."
"Sounds good," I smiled. Only Hermione would consider Arithmancy relaxing. I loved that about her.
She finished eating shortly after that and we retired to the library after collecting our relevant study materials. We quickly fell into the familiar habits of our studying. It was remarkably refreshing to know that we could still do that. At lunch, she again ate like it was her last meal, though she had slowed a bit from breakfast. We went back to studying before going to dinner together. Her appetite finally seemed to be getting back to normal then.
As I'd mostly expected, she bid me good night when we'd finished eating. She no longer gave excuses for where she went in the evenings, and I no longer asked about it.
I sighed after her, but hesitated only a moment before heading toward the dungeons. I expected I'd do some reading before bed, as I usually did.
I was just leaving the Great Hall though when I saw what looked like Hermione shoving someone into one of the unused classrooms. I blinked after her as the door clicked shut. My stomach fell as I wondered if she hadn't just pushed Sirius in there to snog.
Though I knew that I should just walk right by and forget I'd seen anything, my curiosity got the better of me. I crept up to the door and cautiously placed my ear right next to it, wondering if there would be a silencing charm. I quickly discovered that there was not.
"Then what do you want now?" I heard a male voice say, his tone hostile.
I automatically touched my wand while I waited to hear what was happening.
"To offer you an alternative," Hermione's voice responded, her tone cautious. "I know that the Dark Lord is not a kind master. I also know that he likes to hurt people, and I don't think that you do."
What? I wondered. Hermione's voice continued after a brief pause.
"You don't have to say anything. Just listen for a moment. There are some people opposing the Dark Lord. Powerful people. That mark means that we can't protect you from him – not completely – but we can help you. We can train you to make you safer, better able to deal with him. We could use your help to fight him. Your knowledge of his organization, your observations of his movements."
That's when it hit me. She was recruiting someone for that Order she'd told me about. How many people was she recruiting? I'd thought that it was just me because I was her friend, but… Unless I was very much mistaken, she was talking to Regulus Black. He was the only one I knew of in the school who'd already taken the mark.
"You want me to turn spy on the Great Lord?" Regulus' voice came faintly, unevenly. I didn't blame him. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. Had Dumbledore told Hermione to do this or was she acting on her own initiative?
"I'm only asking you to consider the possibility, Reg," she continued. "You don't need to make a decision now, nor even this month if you're not ready. Just keep it in mind. If things get bad."
"I'll think about it," Reg replied after a long moment. "No promises."
There was a brief moment of silence, and then a muffled shuffling. "What was that?" Reg's voice came suddenly, louder and frightened.
What the hell?
"I apologize," Hermione said, her voice deliberately even, as though she was trying to calm him. "It is only a precaution. It will prevent you from sharing this conversation with anyone else. Anyone at all."
Bloody hell. Had she just used some kind of spell on him against his will?
I heard footsteps suddenly moving toward the door and threw myself back, glad that my hand was already on my wand as I cast a hasty disillusionment and put my back to the wall, not daring to so much as breathe. I doubted that I'd managed the spell well enough to be truly invisible. That took a certain degree of concentration that I hadn't had time for.
Luckily, Regulus did not seem to be worried about eavesdroppers as he nearly ran out of the room and headed toward the dungeons.
I waited warily for Hermione to follow as the door swung shut, but she did not appear.
After a moment, I decided it would be in my best interests to leave while I had the chance and pretend this had never happened.
Hermione was evidently recruiting Death Eaters to spy for Dumbledore. Merlin, I'd had no idea that she was doing anything like that. She'd made it sound like the students in the Order were doing nothing more than receiving training to use later. I didn't think that she'd actually lied to me, which suggested that this sort of thing probably wasn't being asked of everyone. Granted, it would be ridiculous if it was. How many students could do something like that?
I'd admired Hermione before for her intellect and cunning, but I'd never really thought of how it might be used in a situation like that. It was a lot different from dealing with bullies and unwanted flirtations, but she was using the same skills.
The Order and the war began to take on new a meaning for me as I sat on my bed and ended up staring at the canopy instead of reading or sleeping. This was beginning to feel real on a level that it never truly had before.
Okay, more Severus! Yay! Next chapter: Slughorn's Halloween party, and Dumbledore is meddling again. But could it actually be a good thing for once? ;-)
Thanks so much to everyone who regularly reviews. For everyone who doesn't, I promise that I never bite without permission. Go ahead. Give it a try.
