"Eh, Valetine's Day? …..more like, wodka day!"

"Truly honorable is love, but not petty holidays."

"Valentine's day, I once got 5 chicks pregnant on Valetine's day, they used to call me Big Dempsey!"

"Ah, ze day of za Valentine's. I remember taking ze holiday too literally, and actually cutting the hearts out of the patients for gifts...ja!"

The crew of four decided they would celebrate Valentine's Day by each making another a gift. Dempsey was making one for Nikolai, Nikolai made Takeo's, Takeo made Richtofen's, and Richtofen made Dempsey's.

February 14th rolled around soon enough, and it was time to present them. Dempsey went first.

"Here you go, Nikolai, you fucking alcoholic prick." Dempsey said in an only half joking manner, handing Nikolaki his gift.

A heart-shaped flask filled with Vodka.

Nikolai looked up, "Dempsey, zhis is great gift!"

He opened it, and took a long drink, before spitting it out everywhere.

"Aagh, God damn! What is in there?"

"Vodka."

Nikolai turns and stares at Dempsey.

"With some of Richtofen's experiment liquids and some cat piss."

Nikolai throws the flask down and begins vomiting.

Takeo comes down the stairs, looking around. He sees Nikolai crouching on the floor.

"Russian."

Nikolai sighs deeply.

"Nikolai, where is my Valetine's Day gift?"

Nikolai stands and turns to face Takeo, before heaving and then vomiting all over Takeo.

"Oh, you sick Russian fuck!"

After an elongated shower, Takeo re-dresses and approaches Richtofen, who's busy working in a makeshift lab.

Richtofen is mumbling to himself about blood or violence when suddenly a flying sausage from across the room smacks him in the face.

"OW! Vhat the horse humping fuck is zhis?" He says, grabbing it and picking it up.

It's several sausages connected together to form a heart.

"Happy Valetine's Day, Doctor!" Takeo shouts.

"Vhat the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Damn German stereotypes, ze other nations are so inferior and foolish..."

Finally, Richtofen approaches Dempsey, with his hand behind his back.

"Where's my gift, Doctor?"

"Straight to za point, eh Dempsey? Vhell here's the thing, I got you something special."

Dempsey rubs his hands in anticipation.

"I got you.."

Suddenly Richtofen reveals a knife in his hand. Quickly he swipes it across Dempsey's throat, spilling the American's blood all over the floor. He then pulls out his M1911 pistol and shoots Dempsey directly in the head.

Picking up the knife again, he shoves it into Dempsey's chest and begins cutting.

2 HOURS LATER

Covered in blood and sweat, Richtofen smiles at the mangled corpse of Dempsey before him, reaching his hand in, he feels something. He twists his hand, hears a crack, then smiles as he retracts his hand, revealing Dempsey's heart.

"I got your heart, Dempsey! I...oh vhait, I was supposed to get you something, not ze other way around?"