Have a good weekend! :)

New York

I don't know what you've done to me. Before I met you I was doing fine. I worked, I knew how to talk to people, I lived my life the way I thought I should. Sure, there were issues with the kids but leaving that aside...I was ok. Now, post-you, I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. Tonight I drank far too much scotch and almost made a huge fool of myself in front of someone I respect. I don't even know why I'm saying almost. I did make a huge fool of myself. Why is that? Why can't I just be normal again? Why do I have to think about you all the damn time? Why are you always there? Jesus, is this how you felt about Edward? If so, then I'm sorry that I wasn't more sympathetic because this is fucking torture.

She was right. I'm desperate to hold you in my arms again and I can't. I can't because you won't let me. Why? Why have you done this to me? You must have known how much this would have hurt me.

Sometimes I even think that I hate you, even though I know I love you.

He tossed his pen down and put his head in his hands. It hadn't been his intention to turn to his journal when he got home, but rather go to bed and pretend at least half the evening hadn't happened. Like all good plans though, it had gone to pot as he had sat in the back of the cab thinking over everything. It was almost second nature now to put his thoughts down on paper, even if she would never read it.

He rubbed his hands over his face and got to his feet, turning towards the bedroom and seeing for the first time the light blinking on the answering machine. Robotically, he pressed the button and Laura's voice filled the air.

Ben, it's me. Listen, can you call me when you get this please? It's important. Thanks.

His heart raced as he lifted the phone and punched in her number, hoping that nothing was wrong with the kids. After seven rings that appeared to last for eternity, she answered. "Laura?"

"Ben?" Her voice sounded hoarse and scratchy, as though she had just woken up. "Do you know what time it is?"

He glanced at the clock and saw that it was after midnight. "Your message said it was important."

"Peter said you were going to some drinks reception so I just assumed..."

"What's wrong?" he interrupted her. "Are the kids ok?"

"Yes..." she said, sounding more awake, "they're fine, but I was thinking that maybe instead of me putting them on the train tomorrow, you could drive up and collect them. Maybe you could come early and we could all have dinner together."

"Well...I suppose..." he hesitated, confused, "but why? What's the problem?"

"There's no problem, but I think we need to talk about Pamela."

"Why? What's happened? Has she said something?"

"Look, if you just come up tomorrow then you and I can have a talk about it..."

"Laura, for fuck's sake!" he swore. "You can't just say things like that and then not tell me what the problem is! Now, I know that Pam has been off-colour this week and I have tried to find out what has been bothering her but she won't tell me. If she's told you, I want to know!"

Laura paused and then sighed heavily. "She didn't want to tell me, but I managed to get it out of her."

"Get what out of her?!"

"She said that she talked to Evelyn last weekend."

He paused, feeling the air still around him. "She did what?"

"Pam called her. Apparently it wasn't the first time but...she said that Evelyn said some things that upset her."

His mind raced. "What kind of things?"

"Ben, I'd rather have this conversation face to face if you don't mind. Now, will you come up tomorrow or not?"

"But..."

"Well?"

"Yes," he said finally. "Yes, I'll come up."

"Good," she said. "We'll see you...when...about six?"

"Six is fine."

"Ok then." She paused. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." He slowly replaced the receiver and stared at it for a long moment. Pamela had talked to Evelyn...Evelyn had upset her...what the hell had been said?

What have you done to my daughter? he wrote in a hurried post-script. What the hell have you done to my daughter?

London

The light hurt her eyes.

Her head ached. It felt as though her brain was expanding and pushing against the bones of her skull, desperately trying to burst through and explode. She moaned softly and buried her head in the pillow trying to block everything out, but the pounding continued.

She had barely any recollection of, what she assumed, was the previous day. She had followed Sarah into the tent where they had bought large plastic pint glasses filled with cheap wine and after that...it was all fairly hazy. There had been men though, she was pretty sure about that, and laughter...

Dragging herself to the edge of the bed, she tried to sit up and immediately a wave of nausea washed over her, causing her to lurch forward onto the floor.

"Shit..." she whispered. "Shit, shit, shit..." her stomach heaved again and she suddenly realised that she wasn't in her own flat, but rather in one of Sarah's spare rooms. Fortunately, it was one that had a connecting bathroom and she pulled herself to her knees and moved as fast as she could across the floor, pushing open the door and arranging herself over the bowl just as her innards exploded.

It seemed to go on forever, flowing out of her, her stomach aching with the effort of retching, a cold sweat breaking out on her forehead. Her hearing started to fade and her vision grew hazy and all she could do was hold onto the side of the toilet until it stopped.

She slumped onto the floor, grateful for the coolness of the tiles and lay there until another wave hit and she pulled herself up to her knees again.

"Jesus, are you ok?"

For a moment, she couldn't answer, but finally she spat into the bowl, pulled the handle and sat back on the floor, her mouth burning with the acrid aftertaste. "I'm fine."

"I threw up during the night too. I woke Nick up and he told me I was a disgrace." Evelyn pushed her hair back from her face, opened her eyes and saw Sarah leaning against the doorframe. "I told him it was worth it."

"I'm glad you think so."

"Do you want a hand up?"

"No...no just let me sit here a bit. I don't know if I'm done yet." Sarah moved over to the bed and sat down on the edge, still visible. "How did we even get back here?"

"Taxi, though the driver wasn't keen to take us. You were pretty out of it. How much did you have?"

"I don't remember," she replied honestly. "I don't remember anything after going into the tent and getting the wine."

"Really? You don't remember the hot guys? The ones we got talking to beside the stage?"

"No."

"Wow. That was pretty early on too and the blond one seemed really into you. Did you have more to drink when we weren't together?"

Evelyn opened her eyes and peered at her. "When were we not together?"

"I don't remember exactly, but there was definitely at least an hour when I lost track of you. The music was so loud and there were so many people..."

She felt herself shudder. "Did I...did I have sex with anyone?"

Sarah stared at her, "What?"

"Did I have sex with anyone?"

"Why would you ask me that?"

"I don't know, I just..."

"We were in the middle of Hyde Park!" Sarah paused. "Do you think that you did?"

She slid her hand down under her knickers, searching for the tell-tale signs. There was no slippery feeling and she didn't feel sore, but then of course that could mean nothing. How long ago might it have been?

"Evelyn..." Sarah looked concerned. "Did something happen with one of the guys?"

"No," she replied hurriedly. "No, I just wondered..."

"Why would you even wonder that? Are you in the habit of getting completely shitfaced and sleeping with random men?" She said nothing. "Evelyn...Jesus..."

"It's nothing..."

"I thought you were sleeping with Alex?"

"I slept with him a couple of times."

"And who else have you slept with?" Again, she said nothing. After all, she wasn't sure she remembered their names. "Ok, listen..."

"Forget it."

"No, I won't forget it." Sarah got to her feet. "We need to get to a pharmacy."

Evelyn closed her eyes again. "What for?"

"For the morning after pill of course."

"I don't know if I even had sex," she protested.

"Exactly," Sarah said, "all the more reason to take it. And then tomorrow you need to go to the GUM clinic and get tested."

"For what?"

"Anything and everything. God, I can't believe you've been so reckless! How did I not know about this?"

"You're not my keeper," she said. "I'm a grown woman. Besides, you told me to have fun."

"I told you to have some fun with Alex! I didn't tell you to go out and pick up random men off the street!"

"That's not what I've been doing. Besides, any sex I may or may not have had has always been safe."

"How would you even know? You've just said that you don't remember whether you had sex yesterday or not!"

"Stop shouting..." Evelyn protested. "My head is killing me as it is."

"Well I'm going downstairs to make some coffee. You should get yourself cleaned up, have some breakfast and then we're going."

"What are you going to tell Nick?"

"I'll say we're going for a walk to clear our heads." Sarah shook her head. "What in God's name have you been doing?"

She tried to answer, but another wave of nausea hit her and for the next few minutes, the only person she could speak to was the toilet bowl.

Hartford

"Hi," Laura said when she opened the door. "It was good of you to come up."

"Where are the kids?" Ben asked, as he followed her inside.

"They're over at the park with some friends. I told them to be back by six-thirty. I thought that would give us some time to talk."

"What did Pamela say?" he asked, cutting to the chase.

Laura moved over to the cooker and, lifting a wooden spoon, stirred the contents of a large pot. By the aroma, he could tell that it was chilli. It had always been one of his favourites. "Do you want to taste it?" she asked, holding out the spoon.

"No," he shook his head, "I just want you to tell me what Pam said."

She put a lid on the pot and then sat down at the table. "She said that she had called Evelyn the previous night, last Friday, from her friend Rachel's house."

"How did she even get the number?"

"I don't know, she said something about the international operator," Laura waved her hand. "Anyway, she said Evelyn had told her that she could call her again sometime if she wanted to. So, she called her the following day from the park...and she said that Evelyn was drunk, very drunk, and that she wasn't making a lot of sense."

"But what did Evelyn say?"

"Apparently she was crying, swearing, saying that she wasn't ok, asking where you were..." Laura looked at him. "Pam said that she offered to get you to the phone but Evelyn told her no, shouted at her to go away and slammed the phone down."

Silently he digested the information.

It was late afternoon when Pamela made the phone call, so night time in London. Maybe Evelyn had been out for a few drinks...maybe she hadn't been expecting Pam to call...maybe...

"You don't look particularly concerned."

"Of course I'm concerned," he replied, "but I thought you were going to say she had been abusive to her."

"You think that wasn't abusive? Shouting and swearing at a thirteen year old? What would you call it then? Honestly..." Laura sighed. "When she told me about it I had half a mind to pick up the phone and call the bitch myself."

"Well it wouldn't be the first time, would it?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about when you called her at work. When you berated her for what she had done to the kids. When you told her that it was just as well that she wasn't a mother herself."

She had the good grace to look slightly embarrassed, "That wasn't exactly what I said."

"No? You don't see the hypocrisy here? You're a mother who lost custody of her kids..."

"I'm well aware of the mistakes I've made Ben! But at the end of the day they are my children and when I saw how upset they were over the fact that she had suddenly decided to up and leave then, yeah, I was pissed and I wanted her to know it. And now she's upset Pamela again!" She paused. "Not to mention the fact that you look pretty hellish too."

"I'm fine," he replied automatically.

"Are you?" she got to her feet and moved over to the stove as the pot started to bubble. "I have to say...I was surprised when Peter told me you'd quit your job. No, in fact, make that astounded. I always thought that you and the DA's office were one in the same."

"Yeah well...things change."

"Apparently they do. Peter also said you'd been offered a job teaching at Columbia." He nodded. "Are you going to take it?"

"I accepted it last night at the reception."

"Well..." She wiped her hands on a cloth. "Maybe it'll do you good to try something new."

"Maybe."

"You know...the weekends that I have the kids...you're always welcome to come up if..." she broke off at the sound of the front door slamming and Peter and Pamela appeared in the kitchen. "Just in time. Dinner's almost ready."

"Hey Dad," Peter said. "How did the reception go?"

"Fine," he replied brightly. "You'll be pleased to hear that I didn't wear the brown jacket."

"Thank God. What did you wear?"

"A navy suit."

"Nice," Peter nodded in approval.

"Not the same navy suit that you bought for Alice Hooper's christening?" Laura commented, bending to lift plates out of the cupboard.

"I don't know," he shrugged. "It was in the closet and I don't remember buying it recently so I must have had it for a while."

"That was twelve years ago!" she laughed. "I'm amazed it would even fit you now."

"Thanks very much," he replied. "To be fair, it was a little tight."

"You need to exercise more," Peter said.

"Yeah, you're probably right." Ben met Pamela's gaze across the table and couldn't help but notice that she still looked worried. "It's ok," he said quietly. "We'll talk later."

She nodded in understanding as her mother placed the pot in the middle of the table and started dishing out plates.

"Well, isn't this nice," Laura said, once they were all seated.

"Yes," Ben agreed, "it's great."

The conversation flowed easily around the table and by the time dinner was finished, Pamela seemed more relaxed. Laura had tried to persuade them all to stay a little longer, but mindful of the journey back and the fact that the kids had school the next day, Ben declined. He was also keen to talk to Pamela without Laura hovering nearby.

"You know, it's ok to be upset," he said when they hit the freeway. "You weren't expecting her to be like that with you."

"She was fine when I called her before," Pamela replied. "I mean, I know I woke her up and everything, but she was fine. She said I could call her again if I wanted to."

"She probably wasn't expecting you to call her again so soon."

"Maybe...but she just sounded so awful, Dad. She was crying so hard..."

He gripped the steering wheel tightly, unsure exactly how to feel. He found himself torn between anger towards Evelyn for how she had behaved and worry at the fact she had behaved that way at all.

It's not like her. You know it's not like her.

"She wanted to know where you were but when I said I would get you she said no." She looked over at him. "Maybe you could call her."

"Don't worry," he replied, having reached the same conclusion in his own mind. "I intend to."

June 1994

Four days later

"I don't know what you're talking about Ben. Evelyn's absolutely fine."

"Then why can I never reach her?" Ben replied, frustrated. "I've left a dozen messages for her at your office and she never calls me back. Every time I try to call her apartment it just rings out..."

"She's a busy woman! She has an important job here and when she's not working she's...letting off steam."

"What does that even mean?"

"What do you think it means?"

He didn't say anything. In all honesty, he didn't really want to think about what it meant.

"Look, I'll tell her that you called and, if she wants to talk to you, I'm sure that she'll call you back. That's the best I can do."

"No Sarah," he snapped, "I really don't think it is." Before she could reply, he slammed the phone down and then kicked the corner of the couch for good measure. Ever since he had found out the content of Pamela's phone call to Evelyn, he had been trying to speak to her about it. But, as he had said to Sarah, every attempt had been thwarted.

I'd be quicker just getting on a Goddamn plane and flying over there, he had written the previous night. I know you're avoiding me. I need to talk to you. I need to know what's going on.

As he sat staring at the phone, it suddenly rang out and he snatched up the receiver. "Evelyn?"

"Uh...no...it's Jack."

"Oh...sorry," Ben said. "I thought it might be...sorry."

"No problem. I'm sorry to call you so early."

He glanced at his watch and saw that it was just after seven am. The kids weren't even up yet, but he had wanted to try London early in the hope of catching Evelyn before lunch.

So much for that idea.

"It's fine," he replied, pulling himself back to the present. "What's up? I hope you're not on to ask my advice on a case."

"Well, in a manner of speaking, yes I am," Jack replied.

"Oh?"

"Yeah...listen, I was hoping you might be able to come down to the office this morning."

"What for?"

"The cops picked up a guy last night for a minor mugging, guy named Ralph McQueen?"

"Never heard of him."

"He's pretty small time, few convictions in the past for petty larceny, minor assault, that sort of thing, but he's on probation so, a conviction for this latest offence is liable to see him back inside fairly quickly. Needless to say, he's not too keen on that idea."

"So, he's got something to offer?"

"You could say that," Jack said. "Turns out he used to work for one Robert O'Reilly and, for a total walk, he says that he can point the finger at exactly who shot Evelyn."