Chapter 8: Longings
(A very happy birthday to my OC, Tetsuya as I enjoy my own! My cell hasn't been quiet for a second between calls, texts, PMs and e-mails. That's a really good feeling. My husband made me a fabulous breakfast and I've been relaxing, doing what I do best...writing voraciously. I am so close now to being ready to publish my first original story. I can't wait and I will share that when it happens. Working on editing and cover art now! This is quite a special birthday. When the next one comes, I should be a published author. So much to look forward to in the coming year! Thanks to everyone for all of the love and support.)
Tetsuya woke the next morning to find himself alone in his bed, but with Koji in the attendant's recess, awake and watching over him. He started to speak, then felt a wave of nausea rise up inside him. He barely managed to climb onto his feet, then the nausea overtook him and he dropped to his knees. He barely saw the small wastebasket Koji shoved in front of him as he surrendered to the feeling of illness.
"This is the not-so-fun part, ne?" Koji said, rubbing his back gently.
"S-sorry," Tetsuya apologized.
"There is no need to apologize," Koji chuckled, "It means that the baby is healthy, ne? That is a good thing, Tetsuya-san."
"Thank you, Koji," Tetsuya said gratefully.
He smiled up at Byakuya and Ichigo as they entered the room, both wearing sleeping yukatas and looking slightly flushed.
"Oh, I'm sorry to have disturbed you, Byakuya-sama. I really am all right. You don't need to rush down here every time I sneeze..."
"Or throw up?" Ichigo teased him.
"Or throw up," Tetsuya repeated, more seriously, "I have been pregnant before. I know how to take care of myself, and this time, I even have attendants and healers helping me. You must focus on each other and your wedding...not worrying over me."
"I think we can decide for ourselves what to attend to," Byakuya scolded him gently.
"My apologies..."
"None are necessary," Byakuya assured him, "We were just checking in to make sure you were comfortable."
"Well, now that I've gotten that over with, I am rather hungry," Tetsuya informed them.
"I will go to Matsuko and have her make your breakfast," Koji offered.
"I seem to be craving sweets this morning...light rather than dark."
"Very well, I will tell her," Koji said, sponging off Tetsuya's pale face, then flash stepping away as Byakuya and Ichigo watched Tetsuya climb back into his bed.
"Are you sure that you are all right?" Byakuya asked.
"I am fine, really," Tetsuya insisted, "Throwing up is perfectly normal, as are the cravings. My body is hard at work, growing your child. Please, Byakuya-sama, as much as I understand your concern about my emotional state, I assure you I am quite happy being completely spoiled by my attendant. You and Ichigo-sama need to give your attention to each other now."
Ichigo laughed softly.
"I think we're being told to scram, ne Byakuya?"
"It seems so," the clan leader agreed, looking equally amused, "Come then. We will continue our...prior conversation."
Tetsuya watched the two leave, then laid quietly in his bed, letting himself be comforted by the close presence of the house guards outside his door. He looked down at his slim belly and rubbed the area gently, smiling at the flicker of life he felt under his caressing palm.
"It will be a while before you reach sentience," he whispered, "but even now, I can feel that you are there. I know you aren't mine for very long, but for just this time, you will be. Then, you will be made heir and..."
He swallowed hard at the knowledge that, as a clan concubine, his name would not even appear on the child's birth record.
Not the council record, he reminded himself, but I know Byakuya-sama writes everything into his personal journal, so even if it is never spoken of and my connection to the heir is not acknowledged...someone, somewhere will know. And I will always know. The disregard that the elders feel for my kind can't erase me completely, even though they would like to.
But I must put these thoughts out of my head. This child will grow inside me, only feeling the love and peace I feel in giving this gift to Byakuya-sama and Ichigo-sama. I don't want anything to interfere with that.
It was easy enough to feel peaceful as he laid in his bed, gazing out through the garden doors and smelling the fresh scents of the flowers and grass, listening to the cheerful morning sounds of birds chirping. He drifted off and remained restful until his attendant's step woke him to find a tray filled with a hearty portion of food deposited in front of him. He began to devour the delicious offerings and had worked his way through about half, when he heard voices outside and realized.
Byakuya-sama and Ichigo-sama are having breakfast in the gardens.
He set his tray aside and crept to his bedroom door, then peeked out and watched as Ichigo pulled out Byakuya's chair, then kissed him on the cheek and lips as he settled. Attendants set their food in front of them and filled two champagne glasses, which the lovers lifted and touched together.
"To the old relics finally letting us be together," Ichigo chuckled.
"To our life together and to lifelong love," Byakuya added, "And to our little one."
"And let's not forget the one who made it happen," said Ichigo, bringing a smile to Tetsuya's lips, "I love Tetsuya so much for doing this for us."
"I do as well," Byakuya agreed.
Tetsuya ducked back as Byakuya's eyes flicked momentarily in the direction of his room.
"I do worry about his state of mind, however," the clan leader went on, "Ichigo, this is starting out well, but as things move forward and nature takes over the process, he is likely to be emotionally fragile. I don't want him to be hurt."
"Neither do I," Ichigo said resolutely.
"We are contending with a lot of prejudice, not to mention that the hormone changes will affect him...and Tetsuya has things in his past that may cause him pain as things move along. He did lose his own child."
"Has he...ever talked about having another of his own?"
"No. I think that is a doorway he considered closed. But perhaps having this child for us will also help him to reclaim his desire to have a love and a family of his own. I want that for him, Ichigo. I love the Tetsuya has been so devoted to me, but he deserves to find his own happiness."
"I think so too. But has he ever shown an interest in anyone? I mean, I've noticed that he and Koji are close. Is it considered wrong for him to have a relationship with an attendant?"
"There is nothing inherently wrong with it," Byakuya explained, "as long as they are discreet. But the relationship that Tetsuya has with Koji, although very close, is a bond of brotherhood. They have never shown that kind of interest in each other."
"What about that guy from your division...Rikichi? He was over here delivering a message the other day and I saw him watching Tetsuya pretty closely."
Byakuya sighed.
"Rikichi is certainly a gentle and loyal person, but I don't know that he would make a good partner for Tetsuya. I suppose it's my pride in his abilities. He's become so strong, I think I see him with a more powerful partner."
Ichigo smirked.
"Renji?"
"No."
"Whoa, that was a pretty stern answer," Ichigo noted, "Why not?"
"Renji is a handsome man, and he is powerful, but he also has a reputation for dating young, beautiful men...a lot of them. Tetsuya should never have to be compared to someone's laundry list of lovers. He is an exceptional young man, a brilliant fighter and very devoted to the people he loves. He deserves the same."
Ichigo gave the Kuchiki leader a sly look.
"Hey, not to piss you off or anything, but you know you won't make it easier for Tetsuya to find a lover if you're so selective."
"I am not being overly-selective," Byakuya said, scowling, "I am only wanting the best for someone I love."
"Yeah, I know," Ichigo chuckled, good naturedly, "but listening to you, the only ones who could be good enough for him are you or me, and we're taken. You don't want him to be alone, do you?"
A light flush rose on Byakuya's face and throat and he backpedaled mentally.
"I suppose I am being unfairly judgmental," he admitted, "I just don't want to see him unhappy with someone who doesn't deserve him. After what Orochi put him through..."
Tetsuya heard Koji's footsteps approaching and shied away from the doorway, returning to his bed and sitting down on the edge. His attendant stepped into the room and observed him curiously.
"Tetsuya-san, were you ill again?" he asked sympathetically.
"Oh...no, I am fine," he assured the other young man, "I was just...stretching a bit."
He glanced at the half-eaten food, but felt strangely uninterested in it.
"I'll leave you to finish your meal then," Koji said, starting to turn away.
"Koji?"
His attendant paused and turned to look at him with a curious expression.
"Koji, do you...? Erm...do you ever...?" he began awkwardly.
Koji smiled kindly.
"Do I ever what, Tetsuya-san?"
Tetsuya blushed and swallowed anxiously.
"Do you ever...?"
He let out a frustrated breath and shook his head.
"S-sorry. Never mind. I am finished, thank you."
Koji looked back at him uncertainly.
"Are you sure?" he asked, frowning, "You seemed to have quite an appetite before. Is something wrong?"
"Ah...no," Tetsuya said in a flustered tone, "I am just...a little restless, I suppose."
"Would you like to take a walk in the gardens?"
Tetsuya experienced a thin sliver of sadness as he thought about Byakuya and Ichigo trading bites of their food, kissing, talking and laughing, then walking together, holding hands.
"I don't know..."
Koji observed his troubled expression and sat down on the bed beside him, taking his hands.
"Tetsuya-san, you seem unhappy," he said calmly, "You don't have to talk to me about it if you don't want to, but you know I will always listen and try to help."
"Yes," Tetsuya acknowledged, his eyes tearing slightly as he squeezed his attendant's hands gently, "Koji has always been a good friend and confidante. It is just that...I..."
I'm just feeling lonely. I felt love touch me last night and it brought something in me back to life. I want to be loved, but...by who? Koji is my friend.
Just a friend, right?
His damp eyes looked more deeply into Koji's friendly ones and he leaned forward slightly, a tickle in his insides as he noticed the other young man was blushing. Tetsuya's lips trembled and he tried to close the distance, but in the end, only hugged Koji tightly and kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you so much for taking care of me," he said gratefully, "I know I am a handful sometimes."
Koji's lips smiled warmly.
"I am always pleased to serve you."
"I wasn't so pleasant when I froze half of this wing on my first night here," he countered.
"You were new to this place," Koji reminded him, "and I wasn't hurt. All of the damage was fixable."
"Then, there was the time only days later when I ran off and you spent hours looking for me and worrying."
"You were alone and outside of the prison for the first time."
"I was so awkward. I knew nothing, Koji!" Tetsuya objected, "I didn't know the first thing about proper manners, how to eat, what was okay to eat, how to behave with elders or women or...anyone! Koji...!"
"Please don't worry about all of that," Koji chided him, shaking his head, "You learned quickly."
"I was still just a savage," Tetsuya argued, "Even now, I feel more comfortable wearing no clothes and being out in nature than with people. How is anyone ever going to fall in love with me! I am so...different! The only one who even notices me is Orochi, and I don't want him to notice me!"
"Of course not," Koji said supportively, "We won't let that monster anywhere near you. Don't worry, Tetsuya-san."
He paused and thought for a moment.
"And don't worry about all of those other things either. I think I understand what is bothering you. You were with Byakuya-sama and Ichigo-sama sexually to make their child, and you experienced what their love feels like. It's only natural that you would start to think about falling in love again."
"But why would anyone want someone like me, Koji? Those who are noble born look down on me for being a half-blood and the commoners are put off by my noble blood. Add to that, I could never see myself making love to a woman! I am just...hopeless."
He closed his eyes against the tears that welled up in them.
"Why did Naoki have to die?" he whispered sadly, "He was like me. He understood everything and never thought I was awkward or strange. He really loved me. I never knew that kind of love before and I am so afraid I will never feel that again!"
"Shh, it's all right," Koji assured him, wrapping his arms around Tetsuya and hugging him tightly, "Tetsuya-san, your emotions are being amplified by the conception of the heir. You know that's why you feel so out of sorts."
"I know," Tetsuya sobbed into his attendant's warm shoulder, "and I'm sorry for leaning on you, but I don't want Byakuya-sama and Ichigo-sama to know. They are happy now that their baby is on the way. The last thing I want is for them to regret entrusting this to me."
"Watashi no itoko," Byakuya said from the doorway, shocking Tetsuya out of his tears, "I would never entrust something of such importance to anyone but you. For many years now, you have had my complete trust."
Tetsuya looked back at him through devastated eyes.
"I am sorry," he whispered, "You must be so disappointed..."
"No," Byakuya answered, as he and Ichigo entered the room and sat in the chairs near his bedside, "I am not disappointed. I am grateful."
"Me too," Ichigo added, "Without you, we wouldn't even be together at all."
"Oh," Tetsuya said, blushing, "I'm sure you would have found a way, with or without me. Anyone could see that you belong together. It wasn't just me."
Byakuya smiled gently and shook his head.
"But we didn't. We needed you, and you were there. Now, you need us to help you through the disruption of carrying our child. Tetsuya, your volatile emotions are to be expected. They are not an aberration, and you shouldn't be afraid to let us see them. You have been there for Ichigo and me, let us be there for you."
"But that is just the thing," Tetsuya said, regaining some stability in his voice, "Byakuya-sama, you and Ichigo can't help me. You can't change this part of my life. It has been over a hundred years and I have not fallen in love, nor has anyone fallen for me. Sometimes, there isn't a second chance. I know you found love after Hisana-sama, but I am not like you. I am...different."
"You're not so different," Ichigo argued, "Maybe you just weren't ready for that love to come along. Kami knows I never thought I'd fall in love. But the right person and the right time came, and now I am in love. You'll find that again. You will, Tetsuya."
Tetsuya looked from Koji's sad face to Byakuya and Ichigo's concerned ones, then dropped his gaze.
"I am...sure you're right," he said, knowing every word was a lie and hating himself for it, "I am sorry for my outburst. We all knew already that the hormone changes would affect me. Please don't worry. I will be fine. I will have some tea and let Koji spoil me with a warm bath."
"That sounds like a very good idea," Byakuya agreed, sounding relieved, "Ichigo and I have to leave for a while on wedding business. Our official courtship has begun, so we will be beginning preparations for our marriage."
"That is good," Tetsuya said, forcing a smile, "Well, except for the hoops you will have to jump through...but love is worth such things."
"Yeah," Ichigo agreed, looking at Byakuya and smiling at how it made the Kuchiki leader flush slightly around the face and throat, "It's worth it all."
Tetsuya watched them leave, alongside Koji, who exited to make his tea.
"Even having to suffer Orochi's torment meant nothing to me when I had Naoki's love."
But without him, nothing means anything...
