"You'll never escape from this sad, sad house. I take his hand. We sink. I'll drown when I see you, I'll drown when I see you, I'll drown when I see you, I do."
-"I'll Drown" Sóley
XxxX
August 14, the soviets tested a hydrogen bomb. Everyone loves a bit of Mutually Assured Destruction, we live in mad times after all.
XxxX
In 1954, the drug chlorpromazine, or thorazine, was approved for use in the United States. It was advertised as a chemical lobotomy and was given liberally in the wards. This really put the nail in the coffin for the lobotomy, or, you know, ice pick in the head.
Other antipsychotic drugs became popular in this time. Sanji hated them, they made him feel slow and did not help with his depression. If anything they made it worse so he stopped taking them in order to have a clear head.
XxxX
May 22, 1955 Sanji was released form Camarillo. Deinstitutionalization of the mental hospitals became popular after rumors spread about the conditions inside them. It was decided to reduce the number of patients that year so they cut lose people who tended not to be psychotic and once that person left they removed their bed so that no one would take their place.
Sanji was taken to the admissions clerk to retrieve this things. It was the same lady who he had seen when he had come in. She gave him the clothes he had come in with and told him that he would have to stay with a friend because the man he had been living with had moved. She also gave him the new address and the twenty five dollars all patients were given upon release.
Sanji realized the absurdity of what the clerk had said. He had faith that his friends would be happy to see him again but many of the people in that place had no one. If they were released they would be released onto the streets with no way to care for them.
Before they left Sanji changed back into his old cloths. They felt very comfortable compared to the rough fabrics of the ward's clothing. The last person he saw before leaving was his doctor, who congratulated him on his release. Fuck that guy. He was told that he could go down to his local pharmacy for any necessary medications and if he ever had anymore problems to just go see a doctor on the outside.
The evening air was warm and dark like a blanket as he took his first steps outside in what seemed like forever. He was taken to the address that the clerk had given him by a car similar to the one that had brought him in. His last look at the ward was a hate filled glare, he hoped to never go back.
He arrived at the apartment complex an hour later. He was quite surprised they even bothered to keep track of the address. He supposed that they had to provide at least a tiny bit of care for him outside of that place.
In no time at all he was standing in front of the door, trying to force himself to knock. He had to think about what he was doing. Did he really want to go straight back to the life he had left behind? That's what got him put away in the first place. With his fist hovering over Zoro's door he at the last movement made the decision to turn on his heels and walked out. He would get a hotel for the night, he could not go through all of this again. He was better now. Yet he was still there, he had not actually turned and walked away. He told his legs to move but he seemed to be frozen. Well, I mean, while he was stuck there he may as well see if Zoro was in.
He held his breath and tapped the door with his fist. It was a Saturday, someone should be home, well, as long as his schedule had not changed. He waited a few moments before knocking a bit harder. There was a sound of footsteps and the door swung open to reveal a yawning marimo. Sanji's breath caught and he tried to remain calm but he felt the way he had felt before when Zoro had been gone for so long.
He pushed the feeling down, "Hi," he said, "I am guessing you have my stuff."
Zoro was absolutely stunned. It was just a normal day and then suddenly, wham, Sanji's back. He looked worse for the ware, thin and very pale, with a blank expression plastered onto his face. The Japanese man pushed the door open further and stepped aside so that the other man could enter. Sanji took a few cautious steps forward into the apartment. He looked around like he couldn't believe he was actually there.
"So what the fuck happened?" Zoro asked, closing the door and walking further into the room.
Sanji maintained a good distance between them. "I just came by to get some of my things," he said carefully.
He was acting so strangely that Zoro wondered if he hadn't actually been replaced by some sort of alien imposter, "That's all?" He asked, "You've been gone six years. Six years and no one has heard anything from you." He took a stride forward. Sanji took one back. "What did they do to you?"
"They fixed me." Sanji knew he was lying, he felt worse than when he was brought in but he wanted to get out of this room. He felt like he was suffocating, drowning in unwanted emotion, but this was his one chance to get off this one way train ride to disaster city. No matter how much it hurt.
"Fixed you? Does that mean you're just going to walk out of here and avoid me for the rest of time then? There was nothing wrong with you in the first place," Zoro said angrily, continuing to walk forward. He was crowding Sanji into a corner, something that the blond obviously did not appreciate because he completely pressed himself against the wall behind him. When the Japanese man reached out to touch him he flinched back.
Sanji's breathing sped up, he couldn't get enough air. He felt warm, black self-hatred churn inside him. Somehow he still wanted to be here with Zoro, being touched by him, being loved by him. His mind was telling him he wanted this but the years of conditioning were causing a nauseating feeling to stir in his gut.
Zoro's hand touched the side of his face gently. He bit his inner cheek hard enough to make the taste of iron full his mouth. He let out a shaky breath and pushed the hand aside.
"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm just here to get some stuff." But was he? He had enough money in him to get a hotel for the night, he could have had the driver drop him off at the home of anyone else, and yet he came back to Zoro.
Zoro looked like he had just been slapped, maybe Sanji really had been replaced because that blank expression was creeping him the fuck out. "Fuck," he breathed, "What the hell did they do to you? This is why I should have forced you out when I had the chance."
Sanji scowled, "Shut your fucking mouth, asshole. If you blame yourself for anything that has happened to me then I have greatly underestimated the size of your brain, which I didn't thing was possible."
There was a spark of the Sanji he knew, he just had to provoke him out of hiding. He then ignored Sanji's protest and wrapped his arms around the chef.
Sanji made a whining sound in the back of his throat and struggled just a little bit. This whole situation was too much, it made his skin crawl, it had been too long sense someone someone had shown him positive attention in any real tangible sense. After a moment he went completely limp, leaning all of his weight on Zoro.
The blond rested his forhead on Zoro's shoulder, he didn't say anything for a long time, "It was awful," he finally mumbled in a dead sounding voice, "I missed everyone the whole time and they wouldn't let me write. When I wasn't being tormented I was walking around thinking about how I awful everything is."
Zoro sighed sadly, "Was there anyone who wasn't horrible?"
"Some of the people weren't bad, I had a few friends but they were the kind of people you're friends with just because you're stuck together, you know?"
Zoro hummed, "What treatment did they give you?" He almost did not want to know but at the same time he had to.
Sanji sighed, "I started with SIBIS therapy, which is pretty much were they showed me gay porn and shocked me every time they switched the picture. Sort of. Then I had to have electroconvulsive therapy, which is where they electrocute you to induce a seizure. I went through insulin therapy, which is where they put you in a coma, and I had a transobital lobotomy, which is a sort of brain surgery except they don't cut open your head."
Zoro was positively revolted, "All of this and you still came back here? The treatment must be pretty fucking ineffective." All that to leave with the same condition he had come in with, and then some.
Sanji gave a sad smile, "It was really effective in making me feel bad about myself, that's for sure. I mean, sure I take it up the ass, but you don't have to make me feel so bad about it."
Zoro grinned slightly at that, "I think that might just be the most beautiful thing you've ever said."
"Shut the fuck up, you asshole. I'm having a difficult time here emotionally and I would appreciate it if you would act your age," Sanji said in a mockingly posh voice, then more seriously, "Being here right now is actually really hard because I still love you but my mind is associating this sort of thing with a great deal of pain. I feel kind of sick, but I guess it's an interesting psychological phenomenon," he laughed dryly.
Zoro swallowed thickly, "Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. I can move to the other side if the room or whatever you need," but he really did not want to let go.
"If you let me go I will kick your ass, marimo." Then for whatever reason at that moment he was overwhelmed by the elation that he was out of that abysmal place, "Holy shit, I can't believe in actually out," he let out a gleeful laugh before grabbing Zoro's face and pressing their lips together. Therapy be damned this was what he wanted right now.
The Japanese man was a bit thrown by this sudden shift in mood but most certainly did not protest.
"Do you want to see everyone else?" He asked after they parted. It was kind of late but he thought he would ask just in case, it had been six years after all.
"I don't think I can do it right now," Sanji replied, "I'm tired, and right now all I want to see is you."
And as far as Zoro was concerned, if that was what Sanji wanted that is what he would get.
XxxX
Sanji woke up disoriented. This was not an uncommon occurrence, he often woke up disoriented but it took a while for him to register that he was not in a sickly smelling institution, instead he was laying wrapped in the arms of a green haired moron, inside of said moron's apartment. He wanted to lay there forever but he felt gross and this was his chance to wash the institution off of himself.
When he stepped into the shower he was comforted by the warm water, he took the bar of soap and began scrubbing himself down. However he found they he could not achieve a feeling of cleanliness. He scrubbed until the water was cold and his skin was raw. He knew that he should stop, he was getting upset. He bit the inside of his mouth and clenched his head, trying to make the feeling go away. Suddenly, he shut off the water and got out, grabbing a towel and leaning on the wall. That disgusting feeling was back, sloshing around inside him like a bubbling tar pit. Trying to push the feeling aside he clothed himself and walked back into the bedroom. Zoro was of course still sleeping. Sanji walked over and sat on the bed beside him. He ran his hand through the short green hair, somehow it gave him a calming effect. He sat there until the Marimo woke up a short time later.
When Zoro came back into awareness his first sight was of Sanji. He groaned and pulled the Frenchman closer to him.
"Bonjour, marimo," Sanji said softly.
Zoro sighed, he wished they could just stay like that all day. But on the topic of staying places, "Where are you going to stay?" he asked, his voice gruff with sleep.
Sanji was momentarily confused because the question had no context, "What do you mean?"
"I mean, you don't have a place to stay, unless you plan on staying here which sounds pretty good to me."
Sanji shook his head mournfully, "We can't live together anymore. That's what got me taken away in the first place."
"I think we could do it. Nami was the one who noticed and pointed it out and she's a close friends so it's not like it was obvious. Then she felt so bad afterward that she probably wouldn't say anything if you moved back in." Nami did indeed feel extremely guilty about the whole thing.
Sanji wanted with all his heart to say yes to the offer but instead said, "I don't know. I guess we'll see how today goes." Then he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up, marching into the kitchen. He hadn't had his hands on any real kitchen equipment in far too long. When he was 'getting better' he was allowed to work in the kitchen but that was sort of an insult to his talent. There he had to prepare unpleasant, very bland meals and they punished him for telling other people what to do.
Zoro did not have much in the way of ingredients, surprise surprise, but he managed to make some spectacular omelets anyway. For a moment he felt completely back in his element. Zoro watched him with an amused look on his face. Yes, this was how it was supposed to be.
"Who do you want to see first?" Zoro asked after breakfast.
Sanji thought for a moment, "I want to see Nami first."
"Are you sure? I'd be totally pissed at her if I were you. Actually I am pissed at her anyway."
"I don't want her to feel bad about what happened, she was only trying to help me. I can't be mad at her for that. So what's been going on here in my absence then?"
Zoro rubbed the back of his neck,
"Uh, Luffy was over in Korea for a few years, Robin and Franky got married, and Chopper is pouring all of his time into studying for medschool. That's all I can think of off the top of my head."
"Franky and Robin got married without me?" He pouted, disappointed he had missed such an important event for his friends.
"It was two years ago. They wanted to wait for you to get back but for a while we weren't sure you were coming back." the lack of Sanji had been an important issue in the wedding. "Weddings are overrated anyway."
"No they aren't, they are beautiful and they symbolize an eternal bond. Don't diss marriage, asshole."
"Whatever, if it were just and eternal bond of love, or whatever, then we would be allowed to get married."
"Well a lot of people out there don't get how love works, nothing we can do about that. If we got married we would probably get lynched in the street or something."
"I would have married the hell out of you a long time ago if I could."
"Why does it sound like a threat when you say that?"
"I'm just a threatening guy."
"Who says I would marry a grass head like you anyway?"
Zoro poked the blond in the face, "You would have definitely married me, and you would have worn a pretty white dress and walked down the isle like a good little bride to be."
"Fuck you, I wouldn't wear a dress.""But you would marry me?"
"Of course I would, dumbass."
"Bitch, as my wife you must respect me or I'll give you the hand," he raised his hand mock threateningly.
"How about you shut your stupid mouth or I give you a foot to the face. Domestic violence is not funny, shit head."
"It's also not a serious crime because as my wife I can do whatever I want to you."
"Fuck you, I don't need a man to define who I am. I am my own person and, god dammit, I'm not your fucking wife!" Sanji shook his head, "This conversation has taken a dark turn. I went from a married man to an abused wife. I'm going to visit Nami."
"You have to go so soon?" Zoro whined.
Sanji clicked his tongue, "I promise I'll be back, Marimo," he leaned over to kiss him on the mouth.
Zoro glared at him, "You fucking better be or I'll drag you back here, shit cook."
XxxX
Before he paid Nami a visit Sanji stopped by a corner store and bought a carton of cigarettes and a lighter. He didn't mean to end up there, he might have just been temporarily turned around when he spotted the place. This started happening after the shock therapy, he had trouble finding his way around. It made him feel like Zoro and that is something he never wanted to feel. It was also terrifying yo forget something that before you knew so well.
So he lit up the first cigarette of his return and walked down the road. When he was gone a study had come out saying that cigarettes were bad for you. Who could have guessed?
He arrived at Nami's apartment and knocked lightly at the door. Within a few seconds the door opened to reveal the lovely Nami in all her glory.
"Bonjour, Nami," he said with a slight smile.
Nami looked absolutely shell shocked for about ten seconds before she threw herself at the blond, hugging her as tightly as she could.
"Sanji, I'm so, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me? I didn't think you would be gone so long. They didn't do anything horrible to you did they?" She rambled, holding him close.
Sanji hugged her back, "I'm fine, ma Cherie, it's so good to see you again."
She drew back slightly, looking him up and down, "Are you sure? I just-"
Sanij cut her off, "I'm sure. It's so sweet of you to be so concerned," he wriggled around a bit, but it was a shadow of his usual performance.
Nami looked unsure but did not press further, "Where are you staying?" She asked, "Zoro had to move because it was too expensive to keep the place on his own, he still has your things, I think."
Sanji successfully maintained composure when Zoro was mentioned but he felt an instinct to flinch back all the same.
"I'm not sure yet, I guess I'll have to decide on that at some point, won't I?"
"You can stay with me for now," Nami offered.
"No, I couldn't impose on you like this," the Frenchman said.
"No, I'm the one who got you set away in the first place, so the least I can do if offer you a place to stay."
"Could you just give me the day to think about it?" Sanji asked weakly.
Nami sighed, "Fine, but for now we have to let everyone know that you're back. They'll be so happy, everyone was so upset when you left. Even Zoro was unhappy." then a cautious look came I've Nami's face, "Um... So, the treatments they gave you, did it work?" she asked.
Sanji smiled his best smile, "Yes, they did," He stated "I am glad to say that I was able to recover," that was a such lie, a very big lie. He hated to lie to Nami.
Nami seemed marginally relieved, "Things won't be so awkward then?"
"They'll probably still be awkward but now I'm not confused anymore."
He stayed a while later before heading off. It was so good to see her again. He visited Robin and Franky next, they were thrilled to see him and apologized for not waiting for him to return for the wedding. Apparently it wasn't a very large ceremony anyway.
Usopp and Brook were also very excited to see him, and then he made their final stop at Luffy's. It was their final stop because Chopper was staying over at his place for the weekend. A tiny break from med school.
When Chopper opened the door his eyes went adorably wide. The door swung wider and he pulled him into a crushing hug. The kid had more strength than it appeared. Luffy soon also launched himself through the doorway. When the initial shock had warn off Chopper frantically looked him over, trying to visually see what they did to him while Luffy went on about what he wanted to eat. Seeing as it was nearly lunchtime anyway Sanji decided to cook for them.
While he prepared the meal Chopper continued to question him on what they did and the medication they gave him. When he mentioned the lobotomy Chopper blanched.
"A lobotomy!" He exclaimed, "Those can be really dangerous. Have you had any side effects from any of the treatments?"
Sanji nodded, "A little memory loss, some weird temporary stuff, and seizures."
"Is it bad? Are you taking medication?" Chopper was in full doctor mode now.
"It's not so bad, I am supposed to take some medicine but I'm not sure I want to."
"Sanji," Chopper warned, "You have to take your medicine if the doctors tell you to. They know better than you do."
Sanji hummed dismissively and continued cooking. What the fuck did his doctors know? Nothing.
When the meal was finished they scarfed down their food they spent a good few hours going over everything Sanji had missed when he was away and some of what had happened to him in the ward. Sanji did not feel comfortable talking about it in great detail so he was purposely vague and left things out. Thankfully no one pressed him.
XxxX
Sanji made it back to Zoro's apartment around four and they mostly just enjoyed the down time they had together.
"Are you going to try to get your old job back?" Asked Zoro from where he was laying on the sofa.
Sanji hummed, "Probably, I mean I'll have to tell the boss about the whole 'I was institutionalized' thing though and you know how that could go." This sort of condition was stigmatized and could lose him a good deal of jobs, "However they already know I'm good and I'll probably kick the ass of whatever loser took my place. So I think yeah, I'll try to get it back," he was also worried about the fact that the reason he had been committed would be on his record. He felt reassured that this would not hinder his worldly progress because Robin had subtly alluded to the idea that a strange fate may befall his records and that he needn't worry. Sanji did not ask but he knew Robin would take care of it. Whatever it was.
"Have you thought about where you're going to stay?"
"Ah," Sanji looked down at his feet, "Well, I think that given my current condition, if I am being honest, it would not be wise for me to live alone right now. That being said I know that anyone I asked would let me stay with them, Nami even offered. Still, I would like to ask you if we can maybe live together again? I mean, I think you're right, only our friends know what happened to me and they aren't going to do anything now if things go back to how they were before. So yeah," Sanji looked again, toward Zoro.
Mocked a shocked expression, "Did you just say I was right about something, shit-cook?"
"Shut up, shit head. I'm doing what you wanted so don't push your luck."
Zoro grinned, "I'll start looking for a place." Things were going back to how they were supposed to be.
XxxX
Historical notes and stuff:
Domestic violence became a serious crime in the 70s. The 70s! Why did it take so long?! And in states with sodomy laws in order to prosecute someone you first had to admit to a crime that they would punish you for. That is just messed up. It's kind of like how Allen Turing got outed, except his boyfriend/teen he may have paid for sex or boyfriend's friend stole from him so... Yeah. Poor guy, he was so smart.
The stigmas on mental illness were awful and they kind of still exist today to an extent, which I don't really understand. Now we have the ADA, the Americans with Disabilities Act, which says people with disabilities can't be discriminated against but that didn't become a thing until 1990. Actually I'm not sure that pertains to disability but either way it's still awesome
Thanks.
