Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG - The end of the chapter was cut off when I posted it the first time, so now the end is here. It would be a bit confusing if that part got left out, so forgive me.
Deanna woke early in the morning as the first beams of light struck through the window. She stretched and rolled out of bed and padded over to the window to look out at the bay. She could hear birds chirping in the trees and could see large birds of prey; she assumed they were eagles swooping over the bay. Deanna watched the birds dance in the air above the bay as the sun continued to climb. With another stretch Deanna walked from her window and came down the stairs in her bare feet and in her pajama pants and tank top. Deanna wanted to get herself a cup of hot chocolate and maybe do her morning meditation on the swing on the back porch.
Deanna went first to the replicator and with the hot chocolate in her hand she headed to the back door next to the bay window. Deanna was about half way out the door when she looked up into the small yard that bordered the forest area and saw a huge animal, dark brown with skinny legs and large wide antlers grazing lazily along the edge of the grass. Clearly the animal was taller by some measure than Deanna and it seemed to be paying no attention to her. She tried to stand there as silent as she could to not startle the large wild animal that was no more than a couple of meters from her. Clearly morning mediation on the porch was not a good idea. Deanna carefully stepped back inside the door, and as she did, the animal looked up, continuing to munch on the marsh material in his mouth, and looked right at her. The two stood staring at each other for a few moments before the animal lazily returned to munching. Deanna quickly stepped back inside and took a couple of deep breaths. She had never been so close to such a large wild animal in her life.
She hurried to the communication system, unsure of what to do next, when she was the number for Sarah Lewis. Without pausing to analyze, she dialed the number and waited for the communicator to open an image. When it did Deanna saw a woman about her same age with shoulder length blond hair that also appeared to be in pajamas.
"Sarah? I am sorry to bother you. I am…"
"I know who you are, Deanna, and it's fine. Is everything alright?" Sarah asked with concern in her voice.
"Well," Deanna looked over her shoulder to the yard. "I went to go onto the porch this morning and there was a, well a…"
"A moose in the yard?" Sarah offered.
"Yes!" Deanna exclaimed.
"I should have left a note. I'm sorry. That's Bob. He's there most every morning. He's harmless. I mean I wouldn't go pet him or anything, but if you leave him alone, he won't bother you. Just enjoy him."
"Bob?" Deanna asked. "You named the moose?"
"My father did when he started showing up about five years ago. We kind of think of him as the family pet."
"Okay. I'm sorry to have bothered you."
"Don't be silly. I should have warned you. I bet he gave you a real shot of adrenalin."
"Oh, I'm fine," Deanna shook her head feeling embarrassed.
"Was the food okay? I didn't know what you liked."
"It's fine. Thank you so much. There is plenty of everything, especially chocolate."
"Will mentioned once that you were a chocolate addict. It's the only thing I knew for sure that you liked." Sarah tried to explain and Deanna laughed.
"I was going to head up to my parents in a bit," Sarah told Deanna. "I would love to meet you. Would you like to go to breakfast?"
Deanna looked back at this easily smiling woman. "I would love that," Deanna told her.
"Great. I'll see you in a few hours."
With that Sarah disconnected the call and Deanna gathered her hot chocolate and walked back to the door. Carefully she walked to the swing and gently sat down. "Good morning Bob." She spoke softly to the moose as it grazed. The moose lazily lifted his head to look at her again. "I am just going to sit here and drink my hot chocolate and think for a bit. I'll be here for the next little while, so I guess we should make friends." The moose took a small step and continued to graze. Deanna smiled. This magnificent animal should have been bulky and awkward, but as Deanna rocked gently on the swing she could see how graceful he was and how fluid his movements were. She found him magnificent. Deanna closed her eyes as she sipped and rocked and tried to center her emotions and concentrate on her thoughts. When she opened her eyes some time later she saw the moose bounding off gracefully through the trees. Deanna let out a heavy sigh. "Bye Bob. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow." And just like the moose she got up and started her day.
A few hours later Deanna saw the same woman that she had talked to that morning walking down the walk from her parents home, and Deanna stepped out of the front door to meet her. Sarah waved enthusiastically as she approached Deanna.
"Deanna! It is so nice to meet you. I have heard so much about you," she said as she paused on the stairs and shook Deanna's hand.
"Sarah," Deanna responded. "I feel the same way about you."
The two women walked into town talking about their lives, the stories they had heard about one another and what Deanna's plans were while she was there. Sarah told her of an elk herd that often grazed in the meadow at the top of the hill outside of town, if Deanna wanted to see some wildlife. Deanna had mentioned wanting to get a book to read and Sarah showed her the local library where the shelves were lined with old paper books, where Deanna picked up two books to keep her occupied in the evenings. Then the two made their way to the café where Miss Rosemary joined them and they ate breakfast together. Deanna told them of how she was half human, but grew up on Betazed, how she had met Will while he was stationed there, and in exchange they told her some of Will's more famously rotten youthful adventures. Sarah told her that Will had been her high school boyfriend, but that was not saying a lot since there were only three of them that rode the ferry in to Valdez. Miss Rosemary laughed remembering the stories of the three youth, the other being her grandson and how they had been the biggest trouble Turner had ever seen. Sarah only rolled her eyes.
Deanna couldn't help but genuinely like these women as she sat and ate the most amazing omelet that she had ever tasted. After some time of the three talking and trading stories, Sarah headed back to the ferry and Deanna thanked Miss Rosemary, promising to return in the coming days. Deanna headed out of the café, her books tucked in her shoulder bag, and she began to wander the town. She read the plaque on the statue in the green. She followed the trails along the bay and eventually she followed the path to the top of the hill on the west side of town to the cemetery. Deanna wondered through until she found the headstones of her parents in law, Will's mothers' older and darker than his fathers'. Deanna leaned down and pulled some leaves away from the base of the stone and made a note to bring flowers with her in the coming days.
Before it got any later, Deanna headed back to the house and out the back yard and stepped over the small stream where the Bob the moose had been grazing that morning and continued until she found the overgrown path that she sought. She followed it along until the terrain began to look familiar. She had been dragged into the Curtis Creek holodeck program of Will's too many times to count and now she was there. Running through the trees laid a beautiful creek where Will had fished and swam as a child. She smiled to herself. She felt as though, through her day of wandering, that she had found Will's Alaska, and she found that she liked everything about it.
Over the following days Deanna spent her days walking through town and doing a lot of thinking about how she felt about her husband and her marriage. She meditated in the morning on the swing on the back porch with only Bob the moose to witness. She wrote in the journal that Jenny had given her when she took her medical leave. And at night she curled in the chair near the fire and read the books that she had borrowed from the town library.
One night as she sat on the back porch watching the sun set, a breeze kicked up through the trees. She did not want to head inside quite yet, as the birds circled overhead and the breeze blew through her hair. But the chill was blowing through her thin cotton shirt. She walked back in the house and into the small bedroom off the kitchen. She picked up the old quilt that lay across the trunk at the foot of the bed and wrapped it around herself as she headed back to the door. As she stepped away the corner of the quilt caught on the edge of the lid and Deanna stepped back to free it. She lifted the lid to allow the quilt to fall free, but she paused when she saw the pictures that were strewn through the top of the trunk.
Deanna looked though the door as if she expected someone to stop her as she opened the trunk and began to rummage around. She sat with her legs crossed still with the quilt wrapped around her as she carefully removed each item and placed them in piles around the floor. There were pictures of Will as a high school athlete. His hands and feet were still far too big for his continuing growing body. His hair was unruly in its same pattern along the front. But the eyes and the smile were definitely Will. There was a picture of Will graduating from Star Fleet Academy. He had grown into his extremities. He looked more confident in himself and his abilities that he did in the pictures of just a few years before. Below a sports jersey of some kind lay a book filled with Will's high school friends signatures and pictures.
Deanna laid out on her stomach and began to read through the ridiculous subscript written by teenage boys and she began to laugh out loud. The only thing funnier was the flowery and heart laced writing of his female classmates scattered throughout the pages. Deanna giggled to herself as she flipped through the book. Eventually she set the book aside and reached back in the trunk.
The sun had set in the sky when Deanna pulled out the folder full of pictures from Will's childhood. Suddenly staring back at her was a beautiful woman with light blue eyes and dark brown wavy hair. In her arms was a toddler with the same eyes and a smile that lit up the page. Will couldn't have been older than three or four years old, and in another year or so his mother would be dead. Deanna frantically looked through the rest of the folder. There was Will as a baby held in his mother's arms, swaddled in a blanket, asleep on his father's chest… there was picture after picture. Deanna handled them reverently as she sorted through them. This was Will's life. At the end of the folder lay one more photo, face down. As Deanna picked it up and began to turn it over she saw the star date on the back. She knew what the picture would be of, before she flipped it over, but she did it anyway. There, Will's sad eyes stared back at her, in his tiny five-year-old body, dressed in a formal black suit. To his side, but far too far away to look natural, stood his father in an identical suit and behind them was the casket containing the body of Will's mother. Carefully she picked up the other picture of Will in his mother's arms. His eyes were bright and full of life in the picture in her right hand, and in the picture in her left hand they were hollow and afraid. She wondered for how many years he had carried that hurt.
She could feel her heart breaking for the child her husband had been. Deanna stared again into his eyes at his mother's funeral and realized that she had seen the adult Will with that same hurt and hollow expression. He had had it in his eyes when he left Betazed all those years ago. He had carried that look in his eyes when they were first assigned to the Enterprise together and she had told him that she could not allow him to hurt her again and that she did not want anything more than friendship between them. He had had it in some degree over the last few months on the Titan, and it had been firm in his eyes the night that he had come to her and told her of his relationship with Linsy McKenna.
Deanna felt a chill run through her and she wrapped the quilt up tighter against her. But it did not help. She held the pictures of Will close as she began to cry simple tears, tears for the mother in law that she never knew, tears for the hurt little boy who would never have his mother's arms around him again, tears for the man she had let slip away from her and the children she would never hold. In that moment, she missed Will so intensely that she could hardly breath. Deanna looked deeper in the trunk and found a tee shirt from a high school football team. It still carried a smell that she vaguely recognized. It was not the sent of the man he had become but the boy he was. She slipped it on over her head and pulled out a pair of tattered sweat pants with the name of Will's high school printed down the leg. Deanna slipped her pants off and pulled the sweatpants on. She somehow felt closer to him in the clothes that he once wore. Then she wrapped the quilt back around her and made her way into the kitchen where she dug in the freezer until she found the container of ice cream that she had seen and she grabbed a spoon and settled down in front of the fire with nothing but her thoughts of Will to keep her company.
Deanna's days came and went and with each passing day she felt her emotions become more even. She felt like herself again. Now the question was what would she do? It seemed like a time for new beginnings, so one morning after seven days in Alaska, Deanna walked down to the café for a late breakfast.
"Good morning, Deanna!" Miss Rosemary called as Deanna came in and took a seat at the bar as Rosemary poured coffee for those around the café.
"Good morning, Miss Rosemary," Deanna answered as Rosemary approached.
"I have some pancakes for you this morning," Rosemary told her. Deanna had learned that Rosemary served you what she thought you needed, not necessarily what you ordered, so Deanna had learned to just eat what she was served.
"Miss Rosemary, I have an errand to run today with your help." Rosemary paused and eyed Deanna with curiosity. "I want to get my hair cut, make some changes. Any idea where to go?"
"A makeover hu?" Rosemary questioned. Deanna nodded. "Well I know a place in Valdez. I'll make a call." And Rosemary was gone.
In two hours she was waiting for the ferry to take her to the other side of the bay. When she boarded she greeted Erik Lewis as he helped her aboard.
"It looks like your are it for this trip," Erik told her as he helped her aboard. Erik sat next to her as they sped across the bay. "The ferry ride is a lot shorter this time of year when the Orca whales aren't mating in the bay. You will have to come back sometime in the summer when they are here. You just missed them this year."
"That must be amazing," Deanna answered looking over the edge of the ferry into the water. "I would love to see the whales."
"Yeah,"
Deanna asked her question before she gave herself time to think about it. "So the Orca whales, do they all have offspring?"
"No I guess not. Some are old and some are dry cows."
"Dry cows?" Deanna asked. She did not like the sound of that. "Are those the infertile ones?" Erik nodded. "So they just swim around and what, watch?"
"Nah, they seem to stay by the mouth of the bay. They don't come in with the others."
Deanna contemplated what Erik had said about the whales as they crossed the rest of the way across the bay.
Once she arrived in Valdez Deanna went to the hairstylist and had her haircut to her shoulder in a sleek and clean bob. It felt like a literal weight off her shoulders. She left the salon with a spring in her step, grabbed some lunch and then began to head back to the ferry when she was distracted by the medical facility. It did not appear to be more than a few years old, but Deanna couldn't help but think that this was the sight where Will was born. She walked the paths that lead through the gardens of the facility when she saw the elementary school just a few blocks away. She stood across the street and watched the children play at recess and thought about Will playing on that field.
Deanna kept wandering seemingly aimlessly through town until she found the high school further down the hill, closer to the water. Off the school grounds, across the street was the athletic stadium where Will played every sport under the sun, the bleachers where he had kissed Sarah Lewis. This was his refuge from his father. She couldn't help but feel she was on some odd walking tour of Will's life and it was not helping with the aching loneliness in her heart. Yes, she had the time to think without the scrutinizing eyes of the crew, but being surrounded by all things Will Riker was not making it easy for her to picture a life without him. Deanna slowly walked back to the ferry and began the trip back to Will's home. There was one other person on the ferry. She had seen him in the café before. Now instead of odd stares, they nodded at one another and he went to the back of the ferry. Deanna walked up to Erik as he leaned against the front of the boat.
"Nice," Erik said pointing at her hair.
"Thanks," Deanna paused as she looked over the water. "I was thinking of what you said about the whales that don't come into the bay," Deanna told him.
"The dry cows?" Erik asked. Deanna rolled her eyes, but nodded. "What about them?"
"Where do they go?" Deanna asked. "Can you show me?"
Erik pointed to the Turner side of the bay near the inlet from the ocean. "Right there," he told her. "Why?"
"Is there a path that leads to the mouth of the bay?" Deanna asked.
"Sure," he said, "but it's almost a mile."
"Where does the path start?"
Deanna got off the ferry and practically ran home and up to the bathroom off her bedroom. She grabbed the two remaining vials of hormones and tucked them into her jacket pocket. Then she took the hypo and shoved it into the back of a cupboard in the hall where she was unlikely to ever see it again and headed out the door. Deanna headed down the path that Erik had shown her until she came to the mouth of the bay. Deanna stood staring out at the vast Pacific Ocean in front of her. Suddenly she felt that same rebellious instinct that made her cut her hair. She reached into her pocket and took the two vials in her hand. She rolled them between her hands and thought hard about what she was about to do and what it meant. This was it. There was no going back. This was the end of the dream, standing on the brink of the Pacific Ocean where the other dry cows wait. Deanna shook her head and threw the two vials out into the water as far as she could. She saw the tiny splash of them hitting the water and sinking away.
It was over. She was herself again. Nothing would change her like that again. She would rather be a dry cow than to loose herself. She had fought her way back. Maybe she could fight her way back to Will; maybe this was her new beginning.
Deanna made her way home and slipped back into Will's old sweats as she had been doing every night since she had found them in the trunk. As she came back down the stairs, she heard the chime of the communications system. Deanna entered the kitchen and activated the monitor. Beverly stared back at her. "Hey, you're alive!" Beverly cried.
"Of course I am alive," Deanna answered.
"Well, no one has heard from you since you first arrived. I thought maybe some wild animal had devoured you."
"No, no wild animals. Well unless you count Bob."
"Bob? A neighbor?"
"A moose who thinks the back yard is the best breakfast buffet in the neighborhood. I like him."
"And you named him Bob?"
"No, he was Bob before I got here." Deanna waved her hand to dismiss that topic. "What are you up to Beverly? Are you back on the Enterprise?"
Beverly nodded. "I was wondering if you might want to meet in San Francisco for lunch tomorrow? I have to be at Star Fleet medical at 14:30. Could you meet me before that?"
"I would love to," Deanna told her. "How about in the academy gardens at noon?"
Beverly nodded. "Oh, I gotta go. We'll talk tomorrow?" They said good-bye and Deanna went back to her new nightly routine.
The next day Deanna headed out on the ferry and boarded the transport in Valdez headed for San Francisco. She got to the gardens just a little after 12:00 and found Beverly waiting for her. Deanna threw her arms around her friend in greeting.
"I like the haircut." Beverly mentioned as they began to stroll to a bistro nearby.
Deanna ran her fingers through it. "I just needed a change." Deanna tried to keep the mood light. "How about you? What have you been up to?"
"Nothing much," Beverly tried to change the topic. "So what is Alaska like? I have never been there. Is it cold? I always think of it as being cold."
"It's not too bad, a little chilly at night sometimes. But I guess in winter the snow piles up pretty high. I saw some pictures of Will as a boy standing on the second story roof that was level with the snow."
Beverly made a face. "That is too cold for me."
"Me too."
"Maybe you could get a winter home somewhere else." Beverly suggested.
"Beverly, this is not my home. This is just a place to clear my head."
"An has it?" Beverly asked. Deanna only shrugged. "No plan yet, hu?"
"I miss him, Beverly. Is that wrong? I miss him so much. I miss us. Now that I am finally starting to feel like myself, I just want him back…us back."
The two sat down at a table on the patio and began to look over the menu. The waiter brought them both something to drink and they continued chatting.
"Is it wrong of me, Beverly?"
"What, to want to be happy again?" Beverly asked.
"To just go on like it didn't happen. To just call some sort of a do over and pretend it never happened?"
Beverly slumped back a bit in her chair and sighed. "Oh, I don't know Dea. Pretending it never happened doesn't seem like the best solution, but there has to be other ways to go forward, right?"
"I know," Deanna replied resting her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands. "I always get to right here and get stuck. I love him. I still love him. And I think I even believe him when he says he loves me. I want to believe that we can go forward. But how do I convince myself that the next time we have an argument or hit a snag that this doesn't happen again?" Deanna shrugged her shoulders again. "I want to be in that place. I just don't know how to get there from here."
The waiter came and took their orders, and when he was gone, Beverly spoke. "What does Will have to say about this?" she asked Deanna.
"I don't know. I haven't spoken to him since I left the Titan."
"What?" Beverly cried, drawing some attention from nearby tables. She lowered her voice. "You haven't spoken to him at all?"
"I sent him messages from the Enterprise and Earth, so he would know where I was, but no, other than that, nothing. I guess I thought if he was ready he would send a message," Deanna responded.
"But nothing?"
Deanna shook her head. "He told the captain to tell me that he loved me…" Deanna felt Beverly's emotions surge and a slight blush rise in her cheeks. "Beverly?" Deanna began to ask.
Beverly took a long drink of water to avoid being able to speak and when she was done plowed ahead. "Well, maybe it's time the two of you started talking. If he feels the same way, then maybe you make some new ground rules. I don't know. But two people who still love each other should be able to figure it out."
Deanna sat staring out across the gardens and over the San Francisco skyline, her emotions swirling in her head. "What if he doesn't feel the same, Beverly? What if he wants to move on without me?"
"Then why would he tell you he loves you?"
"He told me he loved me for eight years on the Enterprise while he dated other women…"
"That was different," Beverly told her.
"Was it?" Deanna asked.
Beverly reached across the table and put her hand over Deanna's. "You can't let fear of what he will say keep you apart, Deanna. You have to talk to him."
The two women sat together in silence until the waiter brought them their food. Deanna wanted to talk about something other than her aching heart, so with a sigh and a large bite of fish, she changed the topic.
"So tell me what you did for your shore leave for the last 10 days?" Deanna asked Beverly. She felt her friend's emotions do the same sort of flip-flop and Beverly looked away.
"Oh a little of this and that," Beverly picked at her food.
"Where?" Deanna asked.
Beverly took another bite to avoid speaking, but Deanna was patient. "Europe," Beverly
finally answered as she swallowed her pasta.
"Where about in Europe?" Deanna asked, more curious by the moment because of Beverly's avoidance.
Again Beverly took a bite and pushed her food around her plate. "France, mostly," she answered softly.
Suddenly the blush in her cheeks and surge of emotions started to become clear to Deanna, but she tried to remain neutral sounding. "Oh? I hear it is lovely this time of year."
Beverly only nodded and took another large bite.
"How are the vineyards?" Deanna asked casually, but did not miss the snap of Beverly's head as she tried to cover her reaction.
"Vineyards?" Beverly repeated.
"LeBarre is beautiful isn't it? Jean Luc always says that fall in LeBarre is his favorite season."
Beverly did not respond but kept her eyes on her plate as her cheeks pinkend.
Deanna smacked Beverly with the back of her hand in the arm. "You little liar. Nothing much? Europe? The captain invited you to go home with him! That is HUGE!"
Beverly rolled her eyes and pushed pasta noodles through sauce on her plate as her cheeks began to blaze as red as her hair.
"So," Deanna asked scooting a bit closer to her. "How was it?"
"It was nothing. He wanted me to meet Marie. That's all." Deanna raised one eyebrow at her friend. "Really! We did some sight seeing and he took me horseback riding around the property. That was it."
"Sounds romantic," Deanna commented.
"Deanna," Beverly chastised her.
"I am not so embittered that I can't be happy for my friend," Deanna told her with a sigh and a smile. "So dish. NOW!"
Beverly shrugged. "Nothing happened, really. We just enjoyed each other's company for a few days. He showed me his old stomping grounds."
Deanna's mind wandered back to the day before and her walking tour of Will's old haunts. She wished he had been with her. Deanna looked up and saw Beverly studying her face. She smiled and urged her to continue. "And?"
Beverly studied her friend for a moment longer, then went on. "That's it really. We
laughed, we talked, we drank great wine while picnicking in the vineyard."
"Really," Deanna chided her. "And after the great wine and the picnic?"
Beverly shrugged and tried to keep her face from betraying her, but it was no use. Deanna urged her on. "After the wine and the picnic…." She motioned with her hand for Beverly to tell her more.
"We kissed. A little bit." Beverly confessed.
"You and the captain made out!"
"Really Deanna," Beverly tried to regain her composure. "I think that the captain and I are a little old for making out. I think anyone older than 18 is too old for making out."
Deanna grinned at her friend. "So you made out?" and the two of them began to giggle.
"So now what?" Deanna asked after they decided to act over the age of 18 again.
Beverly closed her eyes and shook her head. "Nothing. Nothing happens. Tomorrow we will be back on board the Enterprise and we will just go on like it never happened."
Deanna looked stunned. "What? Why?"
Beverly shrugged. "I don't know. It is just what we do. It's what we did before."
"There was a before?" Deanna asked shocked and again Beverly began to blush.
"Oh, what would you know about it, you were getting married. No offence, but you were a little self involved."
"You and the captain made out at my wedding?"
"Well, not at the wedding, but…well…yeah, I guess we did."
"And then nothing?" Deanna asked.
Beverly shrugged her shoulders again. "It is just our thing. It is what we do. You and Will fight and make up, Jean Luc and I kiss and ignore it."
Deanna just shook her head. "I thought I was messed up," Deanna commented.
"Well," Beverly paused as the waiter retuned and took their plates away. "It may be messed up, but it's a whole lot of fun."
The two women continued to chat as they ordered dessert and enjoyed the views of San Francisco. Before they knew it Beverly leapt up and gathered her things.
"I have to go. I have some meetings at Star Fleet Medical," She told Deanna.
Deanna rose also. "I'll walk with you."
The two left the bistro and walked down the sloping gardens to the tall glass building that housed the Star Fleet medical headquarters, continuing to chat as they went. "So," Beverly gave Deanna a quick hug as they reached the building entrance. "Next week, lunch? And you are going to tell me all about what you and Will talked about, because you are going to talk to him, right?"
Deanna nodded. "Take care!" she called as Beverly waved and dashed inside. Deanna took a deep breath and began to stroll the grounds alone. It had been a long time since she had been to Star Fleet Headquarters. The grounds were finely manicured, and beautiful, but it was a different sort of beauty than the sprawling forests that surrounded her in Alaska. There were officers walking from place to place around her as she looked about, and there were some gardeners cleaning a flowerbed as she strolled past. Deanna walked past each building noting the offices that were held in each structure. Her mind wandered to her own career. She knew she was herself again and more than capable of doing her job and doing it well. The first thing she wanted to do when she was ready to leave Turner was get a medical evaluation and have herself returned to active duty. She loved her job and whether it was on the Titan or somewhere else, counseling is what she wanted to be doing.
With one decision about her life made, Deanna sighed and leaned against the trunk of a large tree whose leaves danced in the breeze with their many colors of fall glittering in the air as some weaved their way to the ground at her feet.
"Deanna Troi Riker," A voice spoke from off to her left. She turned and saw Admiral Brand approaching her with two other officers in tow. "Shame on you, Shame, Shame. And on your husband as well." He was a kind almost portly man who had a good sense of humor and an engaging nature. He had taken to Will as he had been aboard the Titan several times in the past few years, and he had always been generous with his time and use of influence. Deanna thought highly of him.
"Admiral, Sir. I did not see you there." Deanna stood up straight and began to approach him and shake his outstretched hand.
"Well, I had no idea that you were here on Earth at all. To think I was speaking with you husband just this morning and he didn't even mention it. Shame on you both. If I would have known you were here, I would have extended an invitation for you to dine with me immediately."
"Oh, thank you, Admiral. I am not really staying in San Francisco though. I am just here settling up some estate matters for Will's father in Alaska." Deanna regurgitated the lie she had told many times.
"Yes," The admiral nodded. "Kyle Riker was an interesting man. After meeting him, Captain Riker was nothing like I expected."
Deanna smiled and nodded.
"So I assume that your husband has gotten your opinion on all of this that he is suckering me into."
Deanna felt her stomach lurch and her adrenalin start to pump. She had no idea what he was talking about. "He is suckering you into something?" Deanna tried to keep nothing more than polite interest in her tone of voice.
"Yes, yes. This business about his chief engineer." Deanna felt her world start to swim around her and she unwillingly reached out the garden bench to her right and held on for support. But with much effort and poker training, her face remained only mildly curious with a polite smile and her gesture to the bench was hopefully nothing more than a casual lean.
"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean?" Deanna offered. She wondered if he could hear the tremble in her voice.
"Really? I thought you would have been the first to know. But I guess you have been more caught up in family matters." With every word he spoke her feeling of panic increased. She was outside in the open air, and yet she couldn't help but feel that a room was closing in on her. "He is promoting her to a full commander. It's a little fast for my taste, but he assures me that she is a cracker jack engineer. I assume that you agree?"
Deanna felt her knees buckle slightly underneath her, but she caught herself. Her smile had faded just a bit as his words sunk in. "I don't know that much about engineering, Admiral. I'm sorry."
"Well you must have a feel for her as a person. Your husband seems quite taken with her. He's been talking about her non stop for the last few weeks…really wants to see her get ahead."
Deanna felt as though she had been slapped across the face. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest; she could hear the blood rushing through her ears. She looked back at the admiral who looked back at her with a mildly concerned smile and then at his two aids who seemed oblivious to her panic attack. "Will knows his crew best," was all Deanna could choke out. "I'm sorry Admiral, I am late for an appointment. I have to go."
Deanna looked from her left to her right and decided to leave in the opposite direction that the admiral was headed. She took a first shaky step away. "Good bye, Sir. It was good to see you." With a nod and what she desperately hoped was a smile, Deanna turned and headed off down the path again, her pace just shy of a run.
After several minutes like this she slowed her pace and came to a bench sitting just inside the shelter of the branches of the weeping willow tree. Deanna sat lightly on the edge of the bench and then sank back and began to rock back and forth, tucking her knees up to her chest. She sat like that for several minutes, replaying the conversation in her head. Will was promoting the woman who he had an affair with. He wanted to make sure she gets ahead…what does that mean? Her head screamed at her, but her heart was breaking. Her fear in talking to him was that he would have decided that wanted to continue this relationship with Mac, and here she was hearing from a Star Fleet Admiral that he was advocating to give her a promotion. The relationship had clearly continued after Deanna's departure. He's taken with her, Deanna repeated the admiral's words in her head. He has talked about her non-stop for the last few weeks!
Without a thought, Deanna was off the bench and walking rapidly again. She was not entirely sure where her feet were carrying her, but she let them take control anyway. She walked for several minutes when she realized that she was not crying as she thought she would have been. She simply kept her determined pace, heading off for wherever her feet took her. Her mind was still a swirl of thoughts and emotions. She thought at first that she should find Beverly, but her feet continued to lead her away from the medical buildings. On and on she walked as her mind wondered, until she found herself standing in front of a very old, classic looking brick structure with a metal engraved sign the read JAG Headquarters.
Deanna read and reread the plaque puzzled as to why she had stopped here. Then, as if driven by a hand she could feel if not see, she began to walk into the building. There was a petty officer inside the door at a small desk. "Welcome to the Judge Advocate General's offices. May I assist you in finding something?"
Deanna was shocked by her cheerfulness and she shied away and shook her head no. She turned away from the woman and continued down the corridor until she came to a set of glass double doors. She could see many offices and cubicles behind the glass and etched onto the door it read public filings. Still not entirely sure of her purpose, she stood in front of the door staring at the words when a young woman came plowing through the doors and practically ran into her.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Ma'am. I wasn't paying attention." The young officer held the rank of Lieutenant and wore the insignia of blind justice on her opposite uniform collar. She was a lawyer.
Deanna's face was blank as she studied the woman. "I am Lieutenant Stevens. Are you here to meet someone?" She asked seeming concerned.
Deanna shook her head as if to get some sort of grip on herself. "I am Commander Troi." Deanna said emphasizing her rank.
The lieutenant straightened up to attention. "Sir, how can I help you?"
Deanna stood in the corridor searching through her thoughts trying to determine why she had come here. Only then did one tear slip from her eyes as her words echoed down the hallway. "I need to file for divorce."
