The fate of trains was a sad one, thought Sephiroth, as he stared out at the window of the empty train car. The train could go nowhere except for where its tracks led it. It moved eternally forward in one direction and once the train reached the end of its destination, it had no choice but to start all over at the beginning again. Sephiroth felt sympathy for the train – for he understood its plight. The train could never rise up to be more than what it was created to do. Was he not the same as the train?
Was he not born and bred to enforce the will of Shinra? For all his life, he'd been in the care of Hojo, a man he hated more than anything in the world. His life was just an endless flurry of testing; some painful others just merely annoying. It was so easy to fall into apathy. It was so easy not to care about anything or anyone. Because no matter what, at the end of the day, it all came back to the fact that he was owned by Shinra.
Sephiroth was product, an investment, and Shinra meant to collect. They'd isolated him from society, only introducing him to people when the time came to join the military and enter the SOLDIER program. He was ungrateful; Shinra fed him, clothed him, and gave him a place to stay, and employment as well as purpose in life. His dependency was utterly disgusting.
The reality of it left a bitter taste in Sephiroth's mouth.
Sephiroth never took his eyes from the window but he was still somehow aware of everything around him. Though he was not looking at Zack (he had no desire to cast a glance in the boy's direction) he could vividly see in his mind's eye his spiky, black hair. He could see and feel the intensity of Zack's Mako-blue eyes gazing on him. It was unnerving to be looked at like that but Sephiroth remained still as a statue.
"Why?"
It was a simple question. But the answer that young Fair wanted to know was anything but simple. Sephiroth said nothing in response. How could he describe in words the emptiness of his life? Or the prison he was held captive by? How could he make Zack understand that he was just like this train, moving perpetually in one direction and going nowhere but where the train tracks led? Midgar was a fucked up place and he was trapped inside of its iron prison, weighted down by obligation and fealty.
As the train descended beneath the plate, so did the sky. The eternal smog that blackened Midgar's sky reminded him that blue skies was not meant for him. Sephiroth hated Midgar. It was a plague upon the planet, one that should be wiped out. The absolute vehemence he felt behind that thought made him pause, made him wonder, but then Zack was suddenly standing in front of him and looking impatience as usual.
Zack wanted an answer and Sephiroth did not know how to answer him.
"Why?" Zack asked again. Though he spoke softly, Sephiroth could hear a sense of urgency in Zack's voice, as if he needed an answer to survive. "Have you nothing to say in your defense? Will you leave the ones who look up to you in puzzlement over your actions?"
Sephiroth almost laughed at Zack's words. Sephiroth had known since his very first memory that he was different from everyone around him but he could never understand why. He hadn't even realized that he'd been living in bondage until... until he became SOLDIER 1st Class. How ironic – to grow up in bondage and not even realize it.
He'd watched the other SOLDIERs whoop and rejoice at being selected to be part of the elite. They hugged each other, laughed, and told the most inane of jokes. They spoke of families and friends they'd left behind. They spoke of their wives or girlfriends. And sometimes both.
Except for Sephiroth.
Because he had nothing to go back to or live for, Sephiroth had no fear. The life or death adrenaline rush didn't course through his veins. In the midst of a battle, he was not thinking of the things had to live for but rather he was contemplating the most effective battle strategies. It didn't matter to him if he lived or died – only the successful completion of his mission goal simply because Sephiroth liked to win.
And win he did. He did it exceptionally well and had in turn earned a legion of fans. Young boys who wanted to be just like him. Boys like Fair. Boys who idolized him, wanted to be him. Did they not know Sephiroth wished many days he could be like them?
"I do as I please, Fair, and that is all. I attacked Scarlet simply because I felt like it." It was a cold answer but Sephiroth responded the only way he knew how.
There was a sharp intake of breath. He knew that wasn't the answer that Zack was expecting. The young boy was idealistic. He didn't want to admit to himself that his General, his idol, was nothing more than a cruel bastard. Zack wanted to see the humanity under Sephiroth's cold exterior. Humanity. What a joke.
However, when Sephiroth thought of Hojo and President Shinra, he could not help but wonder what exactly defined a person as human? It could not be the ability to feel because animals felt emotions too. They understood fear and contentment and kindness. If he were to treat a dog with nothing but love, would it not love him back? So what was it that made humans different from animals? Was it simply their ability to be capable of higher thought, their ability to conquer and kill?
But what if there was a being capable of thought much greater than humans and had the ability to conquer and kill not just humans but entire cosmos? Would that being be considered human or a monster? Where did a person draw the line?
"I don't believe you."
At this, Sephiroth did look at Zack. He looked into the young boy's eyes and could see such life. This was a boy who would turn into a great man. Zack was not one to be bound to tracks. He was free. Though he worked for Shinra, he was not owned by them and therefore could never understand his predicament – never understand him. Zack was a people person; he did not understand isolation. "I never asked you to believe me."
"Where did you disappear too? You weren't seen for awhile…"
"There, there Sephiroth," Hojo said in that fatherly voice, soft and kind. He laid his hand on top of Sephiroth's head and smiled. "There's no need to worry. I've simply made some adjustments to the doses of Mako you'll be receiving."
"I don't want to be here," Sephiroth responded weakly, childishly. The world was bright and spinning. Faces appeared and disappeared and the heavy fog in his mind refused to let him comprehend. How did he get in Hojo's lab? His body was immobile on the laboratory table and he just couldn't think straight. Why couldn't he focus? Why did he feel heavy? Why? Why? Why? "Hojo… bastard."
"Stupid boy. You attacked Scarlet, almost kill her and think there will be no repercussions for your actions?" Hojo's voice rose angrily, the kindness disappearing as if it'd never been there in the first place. The smile, the smile that had made Sephiroth feel safe turned into something twisted and evil. "You are simply nothing boy but a tool. It would do you good to remember your place in this world."
Sephiroth could not even formulate a coherent sentence. The only thing he could do was beg. How embarrassing, how humiliating to be so weak. And there standing in the shadows was President Shinra, puffing that toxic smoke from his cigar. And he was not there because he was sadistic – no President Shinra wanted a confirmation that his creation would not lash out at the creator. He needed to know that Sephiroth had weaknesses. He needed to know that Sephiroth was not invincible.
Because if what he feared were true, then who would save him?
President Shinra stepped forward. "I feed you! Cloth you! Give you money and a job! I give you a reason to live and this is how you re-pay me?" President Shinra snarled and turned to look at Hojo. "Make it painful, Professor Hojo. In return for the trouble he's caused, the delays he's put in my schedule, I want his screams. Naughty children must be punished."
And then there was that damned laughter from Hojo.
Zack frowned in response to the silence. Sephiroth mastered how to say so much without saying a word at all. It was amazing at how he changed the intensity of his look, amazing how much expression he could get across with just his eyes. Normally, he had a look of complete emptiness or one of eternal annoyance. But lately, Zack had noticed that Sephiroth had different look about him. He seemed to look at people as if he were passing judgment on them, as if he were determining their worth as a human. It was unnerving and he wanted to know why.
"General! Sir! Answer me!"
Sephiroth silenced Zack with a sharp look. How dare his subordinate speak to him in such a manner! Out of all the SOLDIERs recruits, Zack had shown the most potential and because of that, Sephiroth had been very lenient with Zack, overlooking many things he would not with other Shinra personnel. And though he cursed himself a thousand times over, he found himself repeating the exact fucking words Hojo had spoken to him. "It would do you good to remember your place in this world, boy."
"Uh…"
"Exactly who do you think you are that you can demand answers from me? Remember, you remain in SOLDIER because of me and no other reason. Do not dare cross those lines again or I shall forever remove your tongue from your mouth."
If Sephiroth spoke it, then it was to come to pass and Zack slightly trembled in fear at the stormy anger raging his eyes. Not even the Northern Glaciers could be as cold as the tone in his voice. So deadly, so authoritative, so filled with malice – and yet so damn enchanting. "Forgive me sir," Zack replied softly, hanging his down in disappointment.
"Humph," Sephiroth muttered, leaning back and closing his eyes. This was his rebellion, his burden to bear alone. He would not drag anyone else down the hellish road he'd chosen to walk. "I do as I as please, Fair, and I do not need to explain my motives. In the end, there is none who can stop me so why bother? It is a waste of energy and I do not believe in wasting energy unnecessarily. Do not bother me again until the train stops."
Zack nodded and took a seat. But his face held determination. Though he'd upset Sephiroth, he wasn't going to give up on his idol. Even if it killed him, he would become the bridge that closed the distance Sephiroth put between himself and the world. Fear would not hold him back; Sephiroth was his idol and it was so painful to Zack that Sephiroth did not even realize how much he idolized him.
But if only Zack knew… if only he knew that Sephiroth was not angry at him but rather, Sephiroth was angry at himself. Angry for being weak.
Hojo got him once. It would not happen twice.
And the Planet itself trembled in fear of what was to come...
A/N: I know its been awhile. Forgive me. But real life gets in the way. I'm glad now to have gotten this out the way. If I switch between Aeris and Aerith in the fic, I ask for forgiveness. When I type, I just go with whatever naturally comes to me at that time and I am far too lazy to go back and edit her name out. Hopefully, that will not distract from the overall fic. I thought about adding characters from the other FFVII games but I haven't actually had a chance to play the other games besides DoC. Until I've played Crisis Core, I will leave those characters out. Though I've read them in other people's fics, I do not want other people's perceptions of these characters to become my own.
