Hey, guess what fans! I managed to get this chapter up to a decent word count, so the story will not be any shorter- phew! Anyway, enjoy!
Chapter 7: Scared Of Lonely
"Is he awake?" Arthur asked in a panic as he burst through the doors to his chambers; Gwen right at his side, carrying her equipment. Gaius was sat on the bed next to Merlin, doing, what seemed like measuring the boy's pulse. The boy's eyes were still shut, and the old physician looked up, shaking his head.
"We've got to do it now," he told them. The Prince merely nodded, not even knowing what 'it' was.
"Did the water get here?" Arthur inquired.
"Yes, would you pass me the bowel, Gwen?" She nodded and acted quickly; after all, she'd had experience of tending to Merlin when he had fallen ill before. Arthur, on the other hand, didn't seem like he'd be any help, as he stood, struck dumb with fear, just staring at Merlin with tearful eyes.
"Will he be all right?" he asked, almost afraid of what the answer might be.
"I don't know, Arthur," Gaius answered honestly "The wound isn't terribly deep, but it isn't that shallow either. Also, it hasn't helped him one bit that it was left so long; the wound has become infected and if he's to stand a chance, we have to clean it now and sew up the damage." The Prince felt his breath stop in his throat for a moment; coming out as a half gasp.
"Sew?" he whispered "Won't that..." he couldn't even finish his sentence, as tears were creeping into his already fragile voice "Won't it... hurt him?"
"It's unlikely, sire. He's so far away right now."
"Where is he?"
"I don't know," Gaius said, dipping a white towel into the hot water the young girl had brought to him. Arthur finally moved over to the bed, and took Merlin's hand. If he could be of no help medically, he hoped that his companion could feel his loving touch and that he would stay asleep through what they were about to do to him.
Gwen looked to the side to see Arthur's grieving expression as he stared at the boy's frail form, and she reached out and took one of his hands in her own.
"It will be all right," she tried to assure him. He looked around for a moment to witness the kind, caring smile that she owned, etched across her own worried face.
It didn't take very long to wash Merlin's wound, and soon after, Gaius began to sterilise the needle he would use, by heating it up in the Prince's fire. Once he was finished, the physician took up his previous place on Arthur's bed, and leant over the young warlock's abdomen, sewing up the offensive wound. Arthur couldn't even bare to look at what he was doing to his lover, and looked only at Merlin's face, which was so pale and so delicate, that Arthur was afraid his body would just dissolve underneath him.
"What happens now?" He asked, looking like a scared, little puppy, as he looked to Gaius for some information.
"Now, we wait..."
That night was one of the worst the Prince had ever had to endure. Gwen had gone to the ante-chamber outside Morgana's room, so she could be close to Merlin should he need her. Even though she was no longer her servant, her former mistress welcomed her friend wholeheartedly to sleep in the servant's chambers. Gaius and Arthur both stayed with the patient that night, and even though the old physician told Arthur to sleep, he wouldn't listen.
"Sire, you ran all the way from the forest earlier today, you must rest if you are to function," he reminded him, trying to make him see sense. However, Arthur's stubborn nature, combined with the utter fear he felt for Merlin's condition made him shake his head slowly.
Darkness had fallen upon Camelot, and the only light that was present in the room was from the fire in the Prince's chambers, which crackled and made popping sounds every now and again. The flickering of the bright flames against the stone wall, and against Merlin's pale, feverish skin almost hypnotized Arthur, and there were many moments when he found his eyes becoming laboured, and sore with the fatigue which he forced upon them; his head jerked up whenever he felt this however, and he forced his eyes open once again.
Gaius soon fell asleep himself; something which Arthur was very happy about, seeing as he was an old man and needed his well-deserved rest.
Arthur leant over to check his companion's head. It was still awfully hot, and his pulse was racing. He tried to calm down and tell himself that this was only because it was night-time; people's fevers always increased during the night.
Looking upon Merlin's pathetic, frail body, he felt like crying once more, and fully allowed himself to; tears showing no signs of stopping as they flooded his cheeks. He leant closer to the young brunette, so that his face was nearly beside his own.
"You stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid..." he chanted, tears cloaking any coherent form of speech. Instead of talking, he leant in and placed a light kiss on Merlin's sweaty forehead.
"Why did you have to go and get in the way of that assassin?" he cried. He wanted to hold him. He wanted to wrap his arms around him and cradle him back to health, but he feared that the young warlock's body would break into a thousand little pieces if he so much as touched him. Merlin's breath was calm and slow, as if he was telling him not to worry; though this only made Arthur cry even more, if his tired, laboured eyes could push any more tears out of them.
Morgana had heard about Merlin's condition from Gwen when she came to visit her during the night. After making a flying visit to breakfast, and realising that Arthur was nowhere to be seen, she decided to go to his chambers with Gwen to look for him. The Prince had not eaten since the previous morning, and he would himself become ill if he did not put some food into his system, so the two girls collected the breakfast that was laid out for him, and made their way to his chambers.
What she saw when she arrived there, melted her heart to say the least. Merlin's pale, frail hand was in Arthur's protective grasp, and the Prince's body was slouched over the mattress; his eyes closed in an obviously unwelcome sleep. From what it looked like, Arthur had just collapsed in exhaustion where he had been sitting.
Gaius was nowhere to be seen, so Morgana approached her sleeping brother with caution and a sense of guilt; not wanting to disturb the sleep she knew he desperately needed. Nevertheless, she tapped the Prince gently on the shoulder, causing him to stir and groan. The moment his eyes were fully open and he remembered where he was, he jumped up, despite the terrible pain in his neck, to check his companion's head, his pulse and that he was still breathing.
"I can't believe I fell asleep!" he said in a state of panic, his gaze checking over Merlin's body "What a selfish idiot, what was I thinking!" he continued to say to himself.
"Arthur, calm down!" Morgana said, making him turn around to face her. He relaxed a little when she put a comforting hand on her brother's shoulder, and pushed the plate of food she had brought nearer to him. The Prince took one look at the plate, and grabbed the morsels of food like a starved animal. Morgana smiled a little, glad that at least he had eaten something, but what worried her more was the fact that Arthur had gotten himself into such state, that now she was afraid to leave him on his own. She studied him whilst he ate the bread greedily, and felt her heart melt when she noticed his cheeks were raw with the amount of salt water that had trickled down them. In fact, she could have sworn that if she looked close enough, she could see the tracks of his tears.
Trying her best to lighten her brother's mood, she said, "Sorry to tell you this Arthur, but you look bloody awful!" Even Arthur, in his depressed state, gave a small laugh at her comment.
"Now, see, that's better!" she smiled. The Prince turned his head back to Merlin and his smile soon faded.
"Hey..." Morgana said soothingly "Chin up, ok? He'll be ok; Gaius will cure him, you'll see." Arthur didn't bother answering. He knew that she wanted to make him feel better, but false hope was no way of achieving that. He wasn't at all sure if the physician could do any more to help than he had already.
"Do you want me to stay with you?" She asked. Arthur looked up at her with tear-glazed eyes, like a lost little puppy dog, and nodded, not thinking about the vulnerability he was showing. She smiled, and moved nearer to him; crossing her legs, and encouraging him to put his head in her lap.
"Try and sleep, Arthur," she said "Gwen and I will stay up to keep an eye on Merlin." Despite her efforts Arthur shook his head.
They all jumped up when they heard the door click open, Gaius walking in soon after. He smiled at the two girls and came over to the bed to check Merlin's progress.
"Has father been asking questions?" Arthur asked, his voice low and laboured with fatigue. His sister shook her head.
"He's too busy to notice anything at the moment." The Prince nodded, pleased.
"How is he?" he asked the physician, noticing that he had finished his check. He sighed and sat down.
"His fever hasn't gone down much since the last time I checked it, even though we've stitched up the wound and washed it.
"What does that mean?" Arthur persisted "Is there something wrong?"
"I'd prefer not to jump to conclusions till I'm absolutely certain, Arthur. There's no need to worry anyone."
"Gaius, if there's something you're not telling me, so help me, I'll get it out of you one way or another. Please, tell me what's wrong with him." Arthur pleaded; the weeping echoing in his tone made it hard for Gaius to ignore. He sighed as he began to cave.
"I think we may be between a rock and a hard place," he told them.
"Meaning?"
"Meaning that Merlin's wound has not only become infected, which is what's causing the fever, but unless I'm mistaken, the knife that he was attacked with, pierced him deeper than I originally thought... there may be some internal damage."
"So... is there nothing you can do to be sure? You could be wrong? You could be wrong, couldn't you Gaius?" The Prince asked, his voice so full of hope that it hurt.
"Yes, I could be wrong, but it's difficult to tell. If there is internal bleeding, we may not know until it's too late." Arthur truly didn't know if he was breathing at this point. Too late? What did he mean by 'too late'?
Surely not... surely not... he didn't even allow the word to access his mind. To do so would almost definitely ruin him inside. Merlin would not... no. He wouldn't. He wouldn't, because Arthur was too scared.
He wasn't just scared though, he was terrified. He was scared of lonely.
That day was the most painful and nerve-racking the Prince had ever experienced in his entire life. Even Morgana, who had been so calm that morning, had begun to cry at what was happening, and all three of them ended up comforting each other. Merlin's fever had gone down a little more during the day, and things seemed promising after all, however, by the time night fell, his skin was burning up just as badly as it had been the previous day. He was so hot, that Gwen found herself running out every five minutes to wet the towel on his head anew, to keep him cool; though it seemed in vain.
"Couldn't it just be a nightly bad spell?" Morgana inquired during the night.
"Possibly," Gaius said, obviously not believing a word of it himself "But, I'm afraid it may be as I feared." Arthur head shot up to listen.
"There's damage inside his body?" he asked.
"I'm afraid there might be, yes." Morgana whimpered like a puppy, and felt Arthur put his arm around her, as he too began to cry. Why was there nothing that he could do? Was there no way that he could just... do anything?! Take his place, maybe? No, that was stupid, and impossible. Instead, he just had to sit and watch his lover's body wilt away upon his bed.
"Will he live?" he had the courage to ask. Gaius remained silent a little too long for Arthur's liking, and he held his breath to wait for the verdict.
"I cannot pretend that his condition is not very serious," he said, the fear building up in his own voice. "If... if there is damage inside, like I fear there is... then I'm afraid there is nothing more I can do for him... I would prepare yourselves for the worst." Arthur was shocked to see a tear roll down Gaius's cheek as he spoke the very words that he had tried to block from his mind. His sister was now weeping into his shoulder, but Arthur was beyond weeping. He was crying, of course, but he was still. Completely still, as the millions of tears just poured out of his open eyes, and dripped onto Morgana's hair.
"How long?" he dared to ask. The physician looked at Merlin for a moment, before turning to Arthur; his gaze not able to meet the Prince's.
"Perhaps till morning... if the infection doesn't get him first." Arthur shut his eyes painfully, and felt his insides churn in anger at the guilt he was carrying. God knows that if he could save Merlin's life by stabbing his own heart right now, he would welcome the knife that did it, and have it remembered for centuries to come.
"Could I... I mean... if it doesn't matter anyway... could I just... be alone with him... just for a moment?"
Gaius gave him a weak smile and nodded, leaving the room, along with the two ladies. Morgana held her belly in pain, as her body convulsed in grief. Both she and Gwen approached the bed and kissed Merlin's sweaty forehead, before leaving the room in an uncontrollable passion on tears. Gaius too left the room, after he had kissed the boy's forehead; leaving him and Arthur alone.
For a moment, the Prince was totally afraid of approaching him. He looked dead already; he looked like a corpse that had been put on Arthur's bed, and now he was scared to touch him. To look at him. To even think about him or what was inevitably going to happen to him tomorrow. Merlin's death was something that he had pictured so many times, because he had been so close so many times. He wondered if any amount of thought could have prepared him for the feeling he had at that moment. Thinking about his death was one thing, but actually standing face to face with his pale, dying body was quite another.
The Prince edged his way nearer to the bed, and finally sat on it. He was afraid to move, as if in the back of his head, he thought he may wake Merlin from his slumber. Then, he had to remind himself that his companion was not asleep and would not be woken. He was dying. Dying right before his eyes; his energy and life pouring out of his soon-to-be shell of a body with every passing second.
Arthur somehow found to courage to edge nearer to the young warlock, and to touch his hand. He moved nearer still, and put his arm around his delicate body to bring him closer. The Prince lay on his own back, ignoring the wetness that he felt underneath it from Merlin's own sweat, and tried to move him over so Merlin's head was resting on Arthur's chest; like he always did when they lay in bed together. This familiar position brought him some comfort, and he found himself stroking Merlin's raven hair and holding him tight, as if he could stop his death approaching through this protectiveness alone.
A part of him, the part that felt so at home and safe the way he was holding Merlin right now, wanted to stay like this forever. The other part, wished with all its might that he himself could just wilt away and perish along with Merlin, so he wouldn't have to hurt any more. He thought about what life would be like when Merlin was gone tomorrow.
He wouldn't eat; he knew that much. Would he be able to sleep? No, he doubted that too. His companion had always been there whilst he slept. He would, no doubt, cry himself to sleep every night, tossing and turning until his body wasn't able stay awake, and he would fall into a torturous nightmare. And what of his father? Would he ask questions about his son's sudden depression? No doubt he would, and he would simply marry Arthur off to the highest dowry. It hardly mattered any more whether he married or not.
Arthur's thoughts were cut short however, when he felt something hard poke him in the elbow as he moved it back. He reached under the pillow curiously, and gasped when he pulled out Merlin's copy of Pride and Prejudice.
He couldn't help the bitter-sweet smile that emerged through the tears at the thought of how much Merlin loved this book. And although he had never admitted it to his companion, he had grown to love the book just as much; in fact, he couldn't get enough of it. But what he loved more was hearing Merlin read it to him. That soft, bird-like tone that he had, skipping over the words and making them so interesting, that Arthur requested it most nights.
The Prince wiped a fresh bout of tears from his eyes, before whispering, "Would you like me to read to you, Merlin?" it was almost like he expected a reply, but when one didn't come, he opened the book anyway, at their last page, and altered his position slightly, so he could see the book.
He cleared his throat, before speaking in a horse and tear-laden voice, "As no objection was made to the young people's engagement with their Aunt..."
He didn't know how long he was reading for, perhaps only a few minutes, before he fell asleep. But those few minutes had been the happiest Arthur had spent since they arrived back in Camelot. Holding Merlin in his arms and reading the book he loved in bed seemed like such a familiar activity, that Arthur almost forgot about everything; about the knife, about the wound, about his companion's coming death, and simply smiled as he drifted off into a beautiful slumber, where everything was perfect.
I hope that wasn't TOO sad :( I told you that Pride and Prejudice would also make for some bittersweet moments, didn't I? Or maybe that was too much? You tell me ;)
By the way fans, please note that I am NOT a medical person, and know nothing about what would happen to you if you did have a knife wound, like Merlin does here. I can only read books, watch movies, and guess, like the rest of us! I only hope I made it sound like I know what I'm doing. If anyone out there is experienced in this kind of medical issue, I would be happy to hear if anything in these chapters was inaccurate.
Stay tuned Merlin fans and please click that lovely, temping green button bellow!
