Chapter Seven
Day by day the castle walls rose higher. Night by night Link and Zelda surveyed them from above. When the new castle was finished, Zelda would be crowned queen. She felt inadequate to the task in many ways. She knew she was young and inexperienced, but more than that her inability to sort out her own personal issues made her doubt everything about herself. She felt tattered and frayed around the edges, increasingly uncomfortable in the role of princess, and increasingly antagonistic towards the dresses and skirts that symbolized that role. The only times when she was even remotely content were the hours she spent hammering, hauling beams and bricks, and otherwise assisting the rebuilding of Castle Town directly, and the hour or so she spent with Link each evening. She had trained for so many years, a hard, physical sort of training that she found she missed. So the chance to use her muscles was a very welcome one. Not to mention the freedom from the dreaded skirt. And Link never pushed and pressured her. He did ask, on occasion, if she was well, and if she wanted to talk, but he always accepted her refusal without argument. So they returned to spending their time discussing childhood memories, and other innocuous topics.
It wasn't a completely miserable life, but the anxiety and stress she felt kept growing and growing. Each day it was a little harder to put on the dress and assume the role of the princess. That was what it felt like, a role on a stage. She was somebody else entirely, pretending to be Zelda.
She could recall feeling like Sheik was a role once, long ago. But in memory, at least, it seemed that the feeling had eased with time. She recalled that she had begun to be comfortable with being a Sheikah boy fairly quickly. The feeling that Zelda was just a pretense never seemed to ease at all, in fact it grew worse as time passed.
And the coronation started to worry her. Once she was crowned queen there would be no going back. Not that she could back out of being a princess! Not if she was being honest about it. But somehow being queen felt much more final. Queen Zelda IX of Hyrule, ruler of all she surveyed. How could she rule Hyrule when she couldn't even rule her own heart? And what if this feeling of being somebody else acting out Zelda's life never faded? How could she face a lifetime of it?
It came to a head the day she went in to be fitted for her coronation dress. The seamstress fussed and clucked over her, which made her feel even more intensely uncomfortable than she already was. The compliments on her figure didn't help either. She didn't want to be a "buxom lass," as the obviously country-bred woman put it. She didn't like either of those words much, if she was being honest about it.
People sometimes called Sheik a pretty boy, and I never liked that much either, but this is worse. At least Sheik only minded the "pretty" part, and not the "boy."
Suddenly there it was, set out in her own mind, what she hadn't let herself think all this time, but what she had known lay behind all her discontent, if only she'd been willing to admit it. She didn't want to be female. She wanted to be a boy again. She wanted to be handsome and not pretty. She wanted to be seen as strong and not fragile. She wanted to be Sheik again.
Sheik is dead. She set her face, she would not cry while standing in a seamstress's shop getting measured! But the thought kept circling around in her mind. She had thought it, and could not now unthink it.
So when she returned to her room she took off the hated dress and looked at herself in the mirror. Even after she donned the wrappings that she had tried to forget she even owned, she was still Zelda, not Sheik. She hit the wall in frustration, letting out a cry. All she could see in the glass was the princess, soon to be queen. And that's all anybody else, even Link, saw when they looked at her.
Sheik was dead. But Sheik was still there, looking out of her eyes, wearing her body, trying to be her and failing. So who am I now? I still don't know how to be Zelda, but I can't be Sheik. Who am I?
"Zelda?" The voice outside the door was Link's. Zelda was suddenly very conscious that she was only wearing the wrappings, which quite definitely did not cover enough of her to be decent.
"A moment, don't come in!" she shouted, and dove for a night-dress that she could pull quickly over her head. Once she was covered she went to the door and opened it.
Link stood in the hallway outside. He smiled at her, as he always did, and she felt a little bit calmed by that smile. Link seemed very much unshakable, a rock she could be certain of, however things in her own life might shift and change like the sands of the haunted wasteland. "What is it?" she asked.
"Impa sent me. I happened to be talking to her when she was called away suddenly. She wanted to let you know she'd be gone, possibly for some time."
"Where is she going?"
"To the Shadow Temple, I assume. She said something about people with more courage than sense, and then remarked that they weren't destined heroes, so if she didn't go keep an eye on them they'd probably get themselves killed, so I assume somebody or other is trying to explore the temple."
"Ah, I see."
"Zelda..." Link frowned faintly. "Your hand is bleeding. And, uh... your eyes are red. What's going on?"
"Thrice," she muttered. She was still wearing the wrappings. So of course to Link's eyes she was once again disguised as a Sheikah.
"Just tell me. I promise, whatever it is, I won't be upset. I want to help you."
Zelda sighed, giving in. She had been avoiding talking about it with Link all this time, but that was in part because she'd been avoiding facing it herself. Now that she'd admitted to what was bothering her, she might as well tell Link. Though she didn't know if he could understand. She still wasn't sure she understood. "Very well. You might as well come in, and I'll try to explain."
"Do you have any bandages?" asked Link once he was inside. "I should take care of your hand."
Zelda looked down at it. She had punched a stone wall, so she shouldn't have been surprised to find her knuckles torn and bloody, but she'd felt nothing, so the sight was a shock. "Uh... yeah. Here." She grabbed a packet from her dresser. The gauze strips were supposed to be part of some technique for applying paint to her face, or perhaps removing it, she couldn't recall. She'd never been able to bring herself to try it, the kit she owned had been a gift. They would do well enough for bandages. Link nodded and started carefully wrapping her hand. "So... tell me what brought you to attempt to assault a rock. Or was it a passing Goron?" said Link lightly as he worked.
Zelda couldn't help but smile at that. "Not a Goron, just my wall. It was stupid of me. But I was so frustrated. I... I don't really know how to explain it though."
"You've been unhappy about something ever since Ganondorf's defeat," said Link.
"Yes." Zelda heaved a sigh, then winced as Link tugged the gauze strip snug. "Ow. I've been unhappy since the Temple of Time, actually. It's just that for a while there I was also too busy trying to not die to think about it."
"Since the Temple... where Ganondorf captured you?"
"More where I turned into Zelda."
"What about that is so upsetting?"
"It doesn't really make any sense. But... I was happy as Sheik."
"Ah." Link nodded. "I think it makes plenty of sense. I was happy as a Kokiri boy, once. Changes can be hard."
"But do you... do you want to be him again? Are you unhappy now, being Link the Hylian?"
Link considered that for a moment. "No. I've gotten used to being an adult. It has its benefits. And I know I never really was a Kokiri. So for me it would feel like a lie to try and be one."
Zelda heaved another sigh. "I was never Sheik either."
"No? Why not?"
"Because it was just an illusion. The wrappings I wore were enchanted, that's all. They created an illusion, but it was never real."
"I don't know about that. Maybe the wrappings changed how you looked, but they didn't make you a Sheikah. They didn't give you your sense of duty, or your magic, or your fighting skills. Those were real."
"I suppose. But I wasn't really a boy. And that... that's the part I miss most. I'm not comfortable as Zelda. I'm not a princess. I don't want to wear a dress and be put on a throne that's some kind of untouchable pedestal. And even if... I don't know, even if I was more like Impa, and everyone admired me as a warrior, I still don't feel right as Zelda. I thought I could learn to be happy as her. I thought... I thought, since you love Zelda, that I could be Zelda, so that I could love you. But I just can't! Everything about it is wrong. Everything about the way people look at me is wrong. Everything about how I'm supposed to look and act is wrong. Everything about my body is wrong, wrong, wrong. I can't feel comfortable, I don't feel at home. I don't want to be female, Link. That's what doesn't make any sense."
Link was silent again for some time, and Zelda looked down at him, where he still bent over her now-bandaged hand. Her stomach twisted. He couldn't possibly understand...
Finally he looked up. "It's a little strange, I'll admit it. But it doesn't matter to me."
"It... doesn't?"
"No! I loved Sheik. I think I said that, once." He smiled, and the smile was still as warm, still as welcoming and bright as it had been that first time in front of the Fire Temple. Zelda's heart leapt once again, seeing it. "It was strange, discovering that. I never thought I would love a boy, but I knew I loved Sheik. And then I found out that Sheik and Zelda were one and the same, and that actually made sense, because I loved Zelda too. But that doesn't mean I never loved Sheik in the first place. I love you, is who I love. Whatever you look like, whatever name you use. Whatever role you have. Girl or boy, Sheikah or princess, Zelda or Sheik, it doesn't matter to me. I'll still love you."
Tears sprang up in Zelda's eyes. She flung herself at Link and hugged him hard. "Oh Link."
"Zelda," he said softly and hugged her back. Then he let out a rueful chuckle. "Or should I call you that? Would you rather I called you Sheik?"
"I... uh..." For a moment Zelda's mind went utterly blank. That hadn't even occurred to her. Be called Sheik again? On one level it was ridiculous. She was the princess Zelda. But something in her leapt in joy at the idea. Her rational mind tried to argue it down though. "Sheik is dead. He died in the Temple of Time, so I could become a sage."
"Is that how that works?"
"Sages have to die to awaken. I told you that once."
"Yes. But wouldn't that make Sheik the sage, not Zelda? I mean... 'dead' doesn't seem to mean much, to a sage. Impa is as dead as Sheik, but it doesn't seem to have slowed her down any."
Zelda blinked, presented with the second shocking, never before considered idea in as many minutes. "Yes... Yes, you're right." Something in her heart lifted. Sheik. Alive. To be Sheik again.
Link smiled at her expression. "Sheik it is then."
"But people will think it's strange."
"People can go jump in Lake Hylia," said Link instantly, fiercely. "If you want to be Sheik then you're Sheik. You're the princess. Or prince, I guess. You can do what you want."
Zelda sighed, her surging excitement suddenly deflated. "I can't, Link. I can't just do what I want, that's not what being a princess means. I have a duty to Hyrule."
"I know you do. I'm not suggesting you abandon it." Link looked at her sincerely. "We both know the importance of duty. But how is being a prince instead of a princess abandoning your duty? Do you think you'll rule any worse as Sheik than you would as Zelda?"
"I... I don't know."
"I think I do. Sheik..." Link captured her-or perhaps it was his?-hand in his own and stroked it gently. "You've been falling apart these last few weeks. You're miserable, and people can tell. It's putting the rest of the kingdom on edge. You're the one who beat Ganondorf, you're the bearer of Wisdom. You're their talisman, the one they look to to see the health of the kingdom. And they're seeing that you're worried, frayed, and miserable. Things must be going badly for Hyrule. The rebuilding must be going wrong, or there's some new disaster coming, or something. The rumors are very small as yet, only those close to you have noticed, and most of them don't gossip. But if this keeps up, if you stay Zelda and stay unhappy, you'll create an unhappy kingdom. If being Sheik makes you happy then it's the best possible thing you can do for Hyrule."
"You really think so?"
"I do. And if you think about it, I suspect you'll agree. You're the wise sage, after all. Go meditate on it or something. If it turns out I'm wrong I'll still be here for you, whatever you choose."
"Thank you Link." He felt a huge weight lifting away. Link was right. He could be Sheik again. He could live again. He felt light as a feather. The world seemed suddenly brighter. And even this body that was so very wrong no longer seemed like a puppet that he didn't know how to operate. It was the same body he'd always had, after all.
Link kissed him gently, and he kissed back with a pure intensity. "I love you so much," he said.
"I love you too, always," was Link's reply.
