"Arnold, Arnold!" I hollered through the phone after he picked up nearly the moment after it began ringing.

"Gerald? It's—"

But I was quick to cut him off. "I don't CARE what time it is, man, I'm in a CRISIS?"

Arnold yawned and adjusted his phone a few times before coming in clearer, but sounding very tired. "Okay, I'm up. What's going on?"

"It's Phoebe, man," I said in a panic, "My mom invited her over for dinner?"

There was silence over the phone and I began to panic even further. "Arnold? Are you THERE man?"

"Yes, I'm here. What's the problem? Shouldn't you be happy that Phoebe is giving you another chance?" Arnold asked and I rolled my eyes to myself while switching hands while holding my phone.

"It isn't another CHANCE, Arnold. It's a PLAY DATE," I exclaimed before dropping my face in my hand and mumbling through it, "And it's going to be a DISASTER."

Arnold sighed into the receiver and I could almost see him shaking his head at me. "Gerald, do you think it might be possible that you're overreacting just a little bit?"

"I'm not overreacting, man," I said calmly as if trying to prove my point. "You've MET my family."

"Gerald," he said calmly, "There's nothing wrong with your family."

"Oh come ON," I demanded, "Don't you remember when YOU were freaked to have me over to meet YOUR family? Huh? And I'm your BEST FRIEND."

Arnold chuckled through the phone, "Yeah, but I learned, from your family, to be proud of my family and to embrace them for who they are. Besides, when Helga met my family—"

"Oh no. You are NOT telling me about when SHE met your family. Seriously, man!" I said loudly, sure to wake Arnold up and possibly some of my own family members.

"What? What's so wrong with that story?"

I tried to talk through my sarcastic laughter, "Helga CREEPED on you, dude. She already KNEW your family. There was nothing to share!"

"Why are you acting like this, Gerald?" He asked suddenly, "I'm just trying to help. Remember, you called me."

I let out a deep breath before taking in a new one and trying to start over. "Look, I'm sorry man, it's just I'm really freaked out about what she's going to think of my family. We're… unconventional. We're wild and crazy and loud and nothing that she's probably used to."

Arnold seemed to take this in for a moment before saying, "Yes, well, so are a lot of families, you know. Maybe Phoebe will like that your family is a little unconventional? Have you considered that?"

"Well, NO," I admitted, "I mean, not really, but what if I could change them? What if I tried to change how they act, just for one night?"

"Gerald…"

"What?" I asked though I wasn't looking for an answer. "Think about it, man, it could work! I've seen it done on plenty of sitcoms…"

"Sitcoms, Gerald, not real life," Arnold pointed out. "You can't expect to change your entire family in a few days or hours. Look at what happened when you tried to change for Phoebe already?"

"Dude, that was a FLUKE, I'm tellin' ya," I said in clear denial. This, THIS idea can be done."

"Are you sure?" He questioned, with logical reasoning too. "Because I don't want to have to go through the heartbreak of it not working again with you. I mean, you're like a brother to me and you always will, but how many times do you think you'll have to change for Phoebe before you realize you don't have to? Change for her, that is?"

This gave me food for thought. Could Arnold really be right? Did I really NOT have to change for Phoebe?

Naaaaah, the hierarchy of high school had already been game, set, matched for me and Pheebs. I had to do something that would impress her and maybe a family meal was exactly what I needed. Maybe, after all, my mom had a BRILLIANT idea and had saved me from my own self and given me this second chance.

Maybe dinner was EXACTLY what I needed.

"You know Arnold, I uh, I think I actually got this." I said while reaching over to my desk to grab a notebook and begin searching for a writing utensil.

"You sure, Gerald? Because I'm not really positive this is the best route for you two. I can call Helga and ask her if—"

"No, dude, don't call Helga," I said while wedging the phone between my shoulder and my ear. "The last thing I need right now is an anti-pep-talk from Pataki herself."

"She could be able to help…"

"No, no, no, man," I insisted blindly while finally finding a pen and uncapping it to begin writing my thoughts down on the paper in front of me. "I really GOT this."

Arnold paused on the phone before sighing and saying, "All right, Gerald. If you say so. Just… really think this through this time, okay? Try not to scare her off by being somebody you're not?"

"Yeah, I hear ya loud and clear," I said without really hearing Arnold's warning. "Night, man."

And with that, I hung up the phone and pulled out a notebook to begin scrawling every detail of our upcoming dinner for the rest of the night.


That Monday, the day of my motherly-appointed date, I tried nearly EVERYTHING in an effort to shield Phoebe from that which I call 'my family.' Not that I didn't have Plan B already set into motion. I had stayed up ALL NIGHT the night before in preparation for this date and planned out every single possible anything that could happen just in case I couldn't convince her out of coming over.

But that didn't mean I wasn't going to try out my Plan A—Operation Get-Phoebe-To-Change-Her-Mind-About-Coming.

Plan A included doing EVERYTHING I had to do to STOP this, even if it meant giving up the extra time with Phoebe. The day would come when she would be able to handle it all, but as far as I was concerned, our relationship was still in its early stages. To me, it just wasn't exactly the time to introduce her to my dysfunction or its side effects which include, but are not limited to, gas, burping, busted eardrums, possible food fights and all things Jamie-O.

I was just glad Jamie-O had moved out and into the throws of college so if my plan to stall this little meet-and-greet didn't work, I only had to worry about fixing everyone ELSE in family. Jamie-O was more along the lines of…hopeless.

At least hopeless when it came to the hope of changing, anyway, even for just one night.

But all of that was Plan B—Operation Change-My-Entire-Family-In-24-Hours-And-Impress-The-Hell-Out-Of-Phoebe, and while I had no intention of giving up on Plan A, Plan B was set in place for that 'what if' in the event she DOESN'T change her mind and DOES decide to come see my house full of Circus Animals. I mean, c'mon, my family dynamic was hard to change; we've always been a house full of life and noise ever since I can remember. And, unfortunately for me, not everyone was so cool with it like Arnold was.

Would Phoebe be okay with it—with the reality of my home? Would I even ever allow her to try?

One day. Someday. But not today. The minutes were ticking by until English rolled around when I tried my best to convince Phoebe to stay home; to stay home and forget all about this dinner my mom had cooked up both figuratively and literally.

I just wished I'd have some luck on my side.

"So Pheebs," I started when I entered the classroom and reluctantly sat down. "How you doin' today?"

Phoebe looked up from her book which she was reading and stuck her bookmark into the binding of the book and closed it shut. "Well, thank you. I'm looking forward to dinner tonight."

Geez, not even a minute in and she's already talking about it. Mm mm MM, THIS is going to be a LOT harder than I expected.

"Right, see, about that—" I began, though Phoebe was quick to finish for me.

"Gerald, please, before you try to convince me out of coming to your house, I want you to know I have no hard feelings about the other night."

Huh. Well THAT wasn't what I was expecting. Not at ALL.

I swallowed hard and blinked a few times before responding. "The-the other night?"

Phoebe smiled a sly smile and nodded her head. "The movies? When you spilled popcorn all over me?"

Warmth spread throughout my cheeks as I found my mouth to be incredibly dry. "R-r-right. Right. The movies. You don't? Have any hard feelings, that is?"

She shook her head while holding onto her smile. "No, of course not. You seemed very nervous."

"Pssh, nervous?" I tried to sound cool as I leaned back into my chair. "I just wanted to prove I knew a thing or two about foreign films, that's all."

Phoebe nodded her head while pursing her lips slightly. "Are you sure that's all you were trying to prove, Gerald?"

"Is that a trick question?" I blurted out as she chuckled and shook her head; the bell ringing to tell us to take our seats before our teacher began her lesson for the day.

"I just have this feeling you'd prefer I not join you and your family for dinner is all I was trying to say."

My eyes widened and I sat frozen in front of her with a dumbfounded look on my face. Squeaking out and speaking far too fast, I said, "Of COURSE not, I would LOVE for you to come over and meet my family."

No. No, no, no, no, NO! No, Gerald! What are you DOING?!

"Oh," this seemed to surprise her and she smiled. "Well I'm really glad to hear that, Gerald."

"I just wished I'd thought of it MYSELF, is all. Inviting you over. Meeting my family. BONDING."

I couldn't stop the words. They kept flying out of my mouth faster than I could stop them and I was beginning to lose my mind at my poor choices.

What ever happened to Plan A, Johanssen?

"Right, well, at least somebody thought of it, yes?" Phoebe whispered as our teacher began to talk and I continued right along with Mrs. Calciprazz.

"I mean, how could I NOT think of it, right? How could I NOT think about inviting you over?"

"Gerald…" Phoebe whispered while trying to get me to stop.

I just wish I'd have listened.

"Like, how could anything be wrong about a friend having another friend over for some dinner? Just a casual dinner? Like a dinner of—"

"Gerald Johanssen," Mrs. Calciprazz said from ahead of the room. "Is there something you'd like to discuss with the rest of us, or just Ms. Heyerdahl?"

I felt my cheeks get hot and immediately wished to be invisible for at least a solid five minutes for recovery. But no, everyone in the ENTIRE ROOM was turned around staring at me and I stumbled through words in an effort to save myself.

"I uh, I just wanted, to uh, to say that, English…"

"Yes…?" She urged me on.

"English is…it's the best. Yep. Just the best class. Hands down. And you do a great job teaching, Mrs. C," which I added a point and click in her direction making half the class chuckle and me inwardly groan.

"Right, Mr. Johanssen. Then may I continue?"

It took all I had not to sink into my desk and admit defeat after that but my brain was too busy.

Plan A was already out the window which meant I had to implement Plan B and if I were to do that, I'd have to set some ground rules first… rules which I began work on almost immediately and continued to work on for the rest of Mrs. C's lecturing, all throughout lunch break and every class thereafter.

This dinner was going to go well if it was the LAST thing I did.


"Okay everybody, Listen up!" I announced as my family sat in the living room watching reruns of television shows we didn't care about. "Tonight is a BIG NIGHT for me, okay?"

"Why?" Timberly prodded with a giggle in her voice. "Is it because you're in LOOOOOVE, Gerald?"

"And just what do YOU know about love, huh, Tim? You got a boyfriend already or something?"

"I have FOUR!" She shouted and I narrowed my eyes in her direction.

"You are a KID, girl, you aren't old enough for a boyfriend. Seriously, Mom?"

"Oh honey, she's just goofing around with you." Mom said though Timberly was unconvinced.

"No I'm not!" She teased and I shook my head at her and pointed in her direction.

"See THIS is why we needed a family meeting for this, okay? You guys have GOT to get yourselves in control if we're gonna impress Phoebe tonight. She's not like us."

"What is that supposed to mean, Gerald Martin Johanssen?" My dad said sternly and I swallowed hard at hearing my full name before carefully responding.

"Chill dad, it's nothing bad, she's just, well, she's an only child, okay? And she might not be… USED to a family setting like ours."

"Like ours, how?" Timberly asked. "She doesn't have a charming sister like you?"

"Ha ha, very funny, Tim," I said with sarcasm in my tone, "No, she's an only child and being an only child comes with being quieter, calmer, and a lot less ANNOYING—"

"Gerald…" My mom said from the kitchen where she was cooking lasagna for our dinner; something Phoebe apparently told my mom she rarely has.

At least I knew one thing for sure—my mom made a BOMB tasting lasagna.

"Sorry ma, it's just, this whole thing has to be PERFECT, okay?"

"But why?" Tim asked and I had half a mind to come over to where she was sitting and ruin her texting party with her friends.

"BeCAUSE, Tim—"

"Because you LIKE her like her, don't you Gerald?"

I sighed and swallowed hard. I wasn't going to win this battle. I remember being her age and thinking how she thought, so I had to cut the girl some slack.

At least right NOW I had to. Once Phoebe got here, all bets were off.

With a frown and a look at her from under my lashes I said, "YES Timberly. I like her like her, all right? You happy?"

Timberly looked up at me and grinned before nodding her head, "Yeah, yeah, Gerald has a crush, what else is new?" She said before returning her attention down to her ipod and typing away as fast as her little fingers could manage.

Great… now I had to worry about Timberly spilling the beans in the middle of this meal. I hope I can keep her under control. I sighed to myself before handing out everyone's nightly agendas and thinking, Well, at least Jamie-O isn't here ruin things even FURTHER. As if HE'D ever follow an agenda like everyone else.

"Okay, so, first on the list is introductions," I began while pointing to my own copy and deciding to expand on this first task. "Please PLEASE let me introduce you, alright?"

"But Gerald," dad said, "haven't we met this Phoebe before?"

I dropped my arms to my side and began shaking my head. "No dad, you've met, but you haven't MET met yet."

"Ha, that rhymed," Timberly chimed in and I directed her towards her agenda before going onto the next point.

"Okay, okay so next we have dinner which may sound simple but may I direct you towards the following points underneath."

"Things that are off limits?" Dad questioned. "Gerald, what is the meaning of this?"

"It's just a few simple things to… steer clear of when we're at the dinner table."

"No picking your nose, no spitting out your food, no inappropriate conversations—what does that even MEAN?" Timberly asked while pointing in confusion at the paper with slight anger in her voice.

"It means we don't need to hear what Dee and Alice and Monica have to say about ANYTHING at ANY point in tonight's conversations."

"No electrical talk? No lecturing? Gerald I don't think you have earned the right to tell your father what is appropriate to say and what is not," Dad said next and I was growing frustrated with all the questions on my few SIMPLE rules.

"Look, it isn't that difficult, okay? They're just a few things that I think if we steered clear of, would really help this dinner date go over well. I just want Phoebe to see the BEST of us, don't you all?"

Mom came out of the kitchen and wiped her hands on her apron before smiling my way and saying, "Honey, I think Phoebe will fit in just fine with us. There's nothing to be worried about, she's a smart, independent girl and to try and make her believe we're something we're not just isn't right, don't you think, sweetie?" She leaned in to kiss my cheek but I was quick to intrude.

"Ah ah ah," I said while wagging a finger in her direction before pointing to the list I was holding in my hand. "Rule number 3, no pet names, kisses or overly long hugs."

"Not even from your mother?" She asked with slight agitation in her voice and I frowned knowing it was disappointing to her to have to have me grow up so quickly.

"Sorry, Ma, it's just a formality, don't worry." I tapped her cheek lightly and with affection before directing everyone's attention to points number four through six.

"Next we have, no being picky, and I'm looking at YOU Timberly."

"ME?" She exclaimed in surprising shock, "Wait, why me?! I'm not picky!"

"To Hell you are—"

"Gerald!" Dad scolded, "Language!"

"Sorry, its just, I mean you complain about EVERYTHING, Tim. First it's the way the milk tastes in the glass and then it's the way the vegetables are cooked and how you don't even LIKE vegetables and then next thing you know the noodles are too hard it's just…" I took a deep breath and let it out gracefully before continuing. "Could you tone it down just a bit? TRY not to go off on mom's cooking until AFTER Phoebe leaves?"

"Thanks for the consideration, Gerald," Mom deadpanned and I offered her an apologetic look with a shrug of my shoulders.

What could I say, I was just being honest?

"Now Gerald," Dad interrupted, "What's this about 'church clothes' down here? Point number 9?"

"Try not to skip ahead, dad, I mean, we haven't even talked about designated talking points yet."

"Designated talking—Gerald, I think you've got this thing all wrong, honey," Mom said from where she stood in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen.

"Yeah," Timberly agreed, "isn't a girl supposed to like you because she LIKES you not because she likes your family or whatever?"

"Guys, guys, guys!" I said loudly, "You're missing the point! Talking points are GOOD!" I insisted, "Things like 'how was school today' and 'what was work like' and 'the weather was wonderful this afternoon' and all the kind of polite talk there can be, you guys got it?" I demanded.

I watched as everyone's eyes stared at me blankly and I sighed before picking up the agenda and holding it up in the air as if this whole thing were show and tell and I was back in kindergarten again. "Look, this agenda is supposed to just help things go SMOOTHLY, okay? Just go smooth like as smooth as a baby's toosh, okay? I just NEED this to go well."

"But why?" Timberly asked and I gripped the paper tightly while trying to answer her calmly.

"BeCAUSE Tim, life gets weird once you hit High School and you might not understand it NOW, but you will one day and UNTIL that day, I NEED you to just follow these rules, okay?"

"SO you want me to get all dressed up and act like I'm on some fancy cruise or something when really we're sitting around the dinner table eating lasagna with Gerald's not so girlfriend girlfriend?"

"That's EXACTLY what I want you to do. Pleases and thank yous and no chewing with our mouths open and DEFINITELY no throwing food—"

This perked dad's ears up slightly. "There'd better not be ANY food throwing in this house, even if NOBODY is over, you hear me kids?"

"Yes dad," Tim and I said in unison before I picked back up my itinerary and tapped on the page once more.

"So, can we go over the rules again, please? And SERIOUSLY this time?"


The table was set. My family was in perfect attire. We'd gone over the rules more times than I was happy with counting. My 'date' was ready for takeoff, now all I had to do was get the woman of honor, Miss Phoebe Heyerdahl.

I was sweatin' bullets, man.

I couldn't believe that everything had finally gotten into place and that my family FINALLY agreed to follow the agenda and talking points I'd given them.

Arnold said I couldn't do it.

But I knew I could. And I DID. Champion status, right here.

"'Kay guys, I'm going to run and get Phoebe now. Think you can handle tonight?"

Timberly rolled her eyes from where she was seated in a flowery dress on the couch. "Sure, nerd, we're ready. You made sure of THAT."

"HEY. Manners, Tim. Point number 10."

"Yeah, yeah," she retorted before returning her attention to reruns of 'Yo Ernest!' on The Ooze channel.

"Ma, you got the music all ready in the kitchen? For ambiance?" I double checked and she flashed me a thumbs up.

"Got it, sweetheart, don't worry. We'll all be on our best behavior."

I gave her a look at the nickname and she pursed her lips before sighing and saying, "Sorry, Gerald. Names only."

"Dad?" I asked while turning to look at him and he sighed.

"Yes, Gerald. I'll be on my best dad behavior. But no funny business or I'll have to break character to set you all in line."

"Right," I agreed happily, just glad that he was in on the whole thing. I'm sure he'd jumped through some hoops for Mom back in the day so I hoped he understood.

Tim on the other hand…

"Are you SURE we have to do all this?" She whined. "I'm tired of this dress. Can't I wear my skinny jeans instead?"

I flashed her a glaring look. "No, Tim. Strictly good attire. I don't want her to think we're sloppy or anything. Only the best. I'm trying to make a good impression, ya know."

"You'll make an impression alright," she mumbled and I frowned while trying to keep my cool.

Calm down, Gerald, you GOT this. Arnold may not have approved but you GOT this. NOTHING can go wrong. You have EVERYTHING figured out to a tee.

"All right," I said finally before taking a big breath and letting it out while grabbing my keys. "I'm going to go get Phoebe. NOBODY RUIN ANYTHING, okay? This is a big night for me."

"Yes, Gerald," everyone replied and with a nervous smile, I exited the house en route for Phoebe's; my heart pounding with every mile I drove.

"You can do this, Gerald," I pep talked myself as I pulled off onto the street outside of Phoebe's place. "Your whole family is in on this so NOTHING can go wrong this time. Nothing. You've planed for it ALL." I flipped the keys to turn off the car and shakily made my way outside to walk up her stoop and to knock on the door. "Just remember, smooth. Be smooth. Silky smooth. Get that Gerald Charm on."

Phoebe opened the door.

"Hello Gerald," She said with a smile.

"Hey there Pheebs. Lookin' good tonight," I said with a wink and she giggled while looking down at her attire.

"It's only a dress, Gerald," She said and I grinned.

Oh yeah. Tonight was MY night.

"Don't worry. You'll fit in PERFECTLY with my family," I said confidently and she raised a brow.

"I will?"

Oh no, she's already doubting me. Keep it cool, man, keep it cool.

"Of course. We get REAL nice for dinner. Kind of a tradition, you could call it."

Lies. Such a lie. But I had to keep consistent with my dinner party theme, or it could all blow up in my face.

"Well that's interesting. I never pegged your family to be so formal."

I could take that as an insult. I'd rather take it as a compliment.

"Well thanks, Phoebe. They'll be glad to see you. Ready to get going?"

Phoebe smiled and nodded her head, and I offered her my arm to take as we walked down the stoop. I made sure to open the car door for her too, just for that added classy touch, and away we went to my home which was DEFINITELY ready for her arrival.

Come to think of it, I had never BEEN so confident around Phoebe. I knew this was going to work, why had I ever doubted it? I couldn't wait to tell Arnold how smoothly everything went tomorrow at school and I found that my anxiety was melting away with each mile closer to home we got.

Approaching the house, I saw Timberly peek outside the door with a goofy grin on her face, but she couldn't shake me. She WOULDN'T shake me. Not tonight on MY night. This was going to go well, I just knew it.

"You ready for some grade-a lasagna? My mom makes the best. Really flavorful and all that."

"Yes, of course. I could go for some great Italian food."

Yes! This was going SWIMMINGLY! I congratulated myself and I turned off the car once more after parking and rushed over to Phoebe's side in order to get her door once more.

I was making a GREAT impression, if I do say myself, and this dinner would only seal the deal. I'd have to thank my mom later for the great idea.

Taking Phoebe's arm again to lead her up the stoop, I reached for the door handle only to have it open for me. Nice touch, I thought to myself only to widen my eyes when I saw who was standing in front of us.

"Hey there little bro. Nice date!" Jamie-O greeted me before grabbing me and noogying my head hard before winking to Phoebe. "Mind if I join ya?"

I saw Timberly smirking behind him and my parents giving me a sad look.

My night was ruined. Completely ruined. All that hard work for nothing.

Because NOTHING would change Jamie-O. Not even the beautiful woman standing beside me.


Guys. This is my FAVORITE CHAPTER YET. I just loved writing all of this and can't WAIT to show you all the next chapter. Please review and let me know the things you enjoyed about this chapter and keep your eyes peeled for more!

-Polka