I'm terribly sorry for the long absence of updating. I feel this real reason is just an excuse at this point, but work and school really has been the death of me. From working seven days to five and then school the other days, my brain has been in a constant state of writer's block. This block is also because of the dark chapters that have been written and i usually have to be in a strange mood to right them.
(I just have to fangirl for a second on Silver Shadows and how much I cried! That book tore me apart! I hate and love you Richelle Mead. (I got to skype her and she's wonderful!)
I thank you all for keeping up with this story, for putting this story on your favorites list, and reviews! It makes my week and I love you all!
I will be back soon for another update! Thank you all and please review! Enjoy your night readers!
~Witch
Chapter Eight: How I wish that could be
Sydney blinks once, twice, three times. Surely her hearing wasn't so far gone she was hallucinating things? Her own heart beats fast against her chest as she feels a hand press against her body.
"Sage-"
When did he come back? He was in the other room, but she forces herself to look at the clock. Ten minutes. Ten simple minutes could turn her life so backwards and foreign she doesn't know who she is. That one simple word makes her head pound. Her brain was moving in multiple directions; searching all the knowledge she has accumulated over her lifespan on Earth. Nothing seems illogical in her mother's words, she has never lied to Sydney except for this, so how can she not believe it?
I don't believe it.
"Sydney, baby I know this is hard to process, but after a good nights rest you will be able to see the situation more clearly."
Had she said that outloud? Sydney can't think correctly with this new information so fresh in her mind. She feels a hand on her shoulder and looks up. Adrian's emerald eyes stare into hers with a newfound confusion, sadness, and from what Sydney can interpret, a small amount of joy. He would be happy for her, of course it's only natural for him to see this betrayal as a good thing. They could finally be together after the obstacle course of the Alchemist and Moroi world differences that was thrown at them. Why couldn't she be happy about the news?
"I don't want it to be true. I wish I could no longer know." Sydney snaps in a grumpy voice.
"I know you think that now, and how I wish I could make this pain go away, but it was something you needed to know before anything bad happens."
She doesn't want to think about what could happen with the truth she knows. She can't be around Adrian and her mother right now or she will surely lose her cooled composure in front of them.
"I-I think I need some time to be alone." She whispers as she slowly gets up from the couch.
"Sydney don't you think-"
"I really need to be alone right now." Sydney presses, silencing her mother as she passes Adrian.
His hand brushes hers softly as his fast reflexes is able to whisper to her before she's out of earshot.
"You will always be our Sydney." he whispers before letting her hand go.
Sydney rushes to Adrian's bedroom and quickly slams the door. Her sclera grows heavy inside her eyes and she wills herself not to cry. Her breaths come out in labored, shallow and it hurts to breathe. Her eyes scan the darkened room as she decides to allow the light to comfort her as she flicks on the lightswitch. Sydney hates the dark. With new light, Adrian's dark, silk sheeted bed is a slice of Heaven to her as she crawls into the bed. Huddling the blankets to give her a sense of normality and comfort she stares at the wall. A four-sided protection filled with drywall and paint. Walls are simple and uncomplicated unlike her life. She can hear her mother and Adrian talking in hushed voices as she looks over to Adrian's painting supplies. Gold and yellow paint are fresh on the canvas from when he had drawn her. Sydney's tears are fast and flowing down her face as she turns to a pillow and screams into it. Again and again. Her voice hurts to scream any longer. The pillow is wet with tears and saliva and she slowly gets up to move the pillow off the bed. Dirty pillows is something she won't allow. Her body feels old as she slowly moves to the other side of the room and turns to face the mirror. The Golden Lily tattoo is barely noticeable in this light, so she goes into the bathroom and locks it. With the fluorescent lighting the tattoo is much brighter now, and mocks Sydney with a sickening satisfaction.
She looks at her polished nails and digs her nails into her flesh. The physical pain is the release Sydney needs from her inner turmoil and raw reality in her head. Alchemists always have to keep their nails polished and free of any nail polish. Sydney grips her head as she closes her eyes and counts in Italian. A distraction that's what she needs. She's Sydney Sage she will get through this.
"I'm not Sydney Sage." Her tears are flowing again and counting in Italian is no longer working.
Years of verbal abuse and trying to achieve perfection from Jared Sage was a worthless waste of effort. She would never be what he wanted because she wasn't biologically his. It all made perfect sense why Sydney was pushed the hardest. Her sisters what would they think of her? What sisters her inner self argues knowing Sydney was only half-related to them.
"My entire life was a lie." She forces herself to conclude and finally say out loud.
A hollow pain has formed inside her body as she lowers her body to grip the sink. It hurts. Everything hurts and she wants the hurting to stop. She looks at herself in the mirror again. Her haunted eyes flash with rage and she runs her nails down her tattoo. Seconds of harsh pain explodes on Sydney's face and angry red lines form on the tattoo. It feels good to hide the tattoo even if it's only for a minute. Her nails scratch her face in repetition and soon the pain goes from dull to not feeling anything at all. Blood drips down her face, into the sink, on her nails, and on her clothes.
"Ruin the old Sydney. Stain and bury her. Burn and die. Alchemists, Alchemists, Alchemists, I want them to die!" She screams and bangs her fist on the mirror. An animalistic scream erupts from deep within her throat. What would become of her? Would they send her to re education even though she wasn't truly an Alchemist? Her hands wipe off blood near the corner of her lips. Sydney knows they would condemn an innocent to cover up their lies. Her throat becomes dry and her stomach turns as she covers her mouth barely able to pull up the toilet seat. Against her will and nature, she empties her earlier breakfast and lunch until painful, dry heaves burn her throat.
"Sydney? I heard screaming I'm coming in okay?" Adrian says loud enough to be respectfully quiet, yet still able to be heard.
He was worried for her. No, he was beyond the past of worrying. His hands shake as he turns the door knob to find it locked.
"Dammit, Sage." He whispers as he shakes the door once more, yelling her name to open the door.
He almost missed the soft "go away" moan that escaped from her lips. He tried again hoping those brief self defense lessons have him more lean muscle.
"Sydney, please open the door". He can feel his broken words. He has never felt so hopeless in helping the girl he loved.
Realization shakes him to the core. He's had a crush on Sydney for a long time, but he's fully come to terms. He loves Sydney. This unexpected turn of events has Adrian wanting to gather Sydney in his arms and never let her go. He would protect her from any harm. Minutes pass, and no actual words from Sydney, Adrian rubs his hands together. Taking a couple steps back, he chargers his shoulder into the door over and over. His breathing increases as he tries to break the door down once more. Finally, the hinges give away and he`s inside. He certainly wasn't Dimitri good, but he feels pride well in his chest. That feeling lasts about three second until he sees blood on the floor. His eyes follow the trail of blood as Sydney lays on the floor below the toilet.
"Sydney.." He whispers as she doesn't acknowledge his presence.
Adrian walks over and sit beside her laying body. His arms wrap over her fragile rib cage and lifts her into his lap. His silk shirt is stains with tears in a matter of seconds, but he lets it be. A loss of words brings an uncomfortable silence that fills the heated air. How could one comfort someone whose life was turned upside down? Adrian strokes the cheek that wasn't covered in blood. Her grip on him tightens as he kisses her temple as she whispers his name. He would help Sydney recover over this no matter what.
Sydney. What purpose did she have in life? Her mind betrays her wish to end the countless thoughts about why she was chosen to be the family Alchemist when her sisters could have. She tightens her grip again in hopes this could mend her heart. She closes her eyes letting herself swim into the comforting darkness where nothing could harm her. She can hear Adrian's words muttering soft, soothing promises on protecting her and the life he plans to make her dreams come true. She could be with Adrian now, right? Can she really fully give away her Alchemist beliefs and let herself be completely devoted to Adrian? Adrian who has been one of the only people she cares about with her. Time could only tell for her she decides, but where was her mother she questions.
"Could she no longer stand the sight of me?" She whispers, and feels her chin being drawn up to gaze into Adrian's eyes.
"She loves you more than anything. She risked everything to come clean to you and now we have to play this game out. It will be you and I against the world, Sydney."
The worlds smallest smile appears on her lips. "I could get used to the sound of that."
Adrian throws his head back with a small laughter of gratitude. Even though he doesn't believe in a God or anything, he thanks him now for a spark of Sydney still in there.
His words give Sydney's brain a new mission than just selfish pity. She needs to complete the work she has given her word she would finish. She wouldn't be Sydney Katherine if she could not handle finishing a task at hand. Slowly, she raises her head and positions herself in preparation to remove herself from Adrian. He lets her raise herself only having a hand on the small of her back. Sydney was slowly returning to a human personality, and not a zombie, or even an adult although he clearly knows she's no baby. Sydney racks her brain in recalling dates and cars from her previous self- assigned mission in helping Rose.
"Black focus, California, possible idea of a motive and track down any eye witnesses…" Sydney rambles on while searching through her scattered, yet organized, papers.
"Sydney, should you really be working on this now?" Adrian asks as Sydney's mother finally enters with three bowls of soup. She must have made it when Adrian was calming down Sydney.
"I've already wasted too much time in wallowing in self-inflicted pity." She replies in a colder voice than necessary, but it will get her through the mission.
Sydney's hot and cold mood swings give Adrian a headache as he rubs his head and reaches for the bowl of soup. "Rose and Dimitri can surely wait until you're feeling well enough."
"How would you know that?" She raises an eyebrow as her hands grip the papers in her hands.
Adrain can make out the words on the professional paper that it was Sydney's certification of adoption and not Rose and Dimitri's files. He goes to Sydney, but her mom beats him to it. She takes the papers out of Sydney's hands after a moment of struggling and places pressures on Sydney's shoulders to place her sitting on the bed. She joins her now seated daughter and grabs her hands tightly.
"When I called Lissa to give me an update on her and Jillbait's situation to see when we would be able to return. She says the vote is close to being passed and we only need one more month to allow Lissa to keep the throne. She also informed me about Rose and Dimitri's situation as they have taken yet again another small vacation to jet off to Russia." Sydney can't detect if Adrian's voice held any bitter feelings, but she decides to let it go.
"They will be safe until we are able to figure out who's after them. This may work perfectly to our advantage." Sydney replies with her eyes closed as her mother feeds her a bite of soup.
Adrian bends down to Sydney's level and kisses her cheek. "It will and we will wait for the perfect opportunity. For now, let's focus on getting you feeling better."
"I don't think I will ever be better." Sydney replies with a small tear down her cheek as her mother hugs her.
"Adrian, dear, would you mind bringing me a bowl of hot water and a cloth?" She asks, while rubbing Sydney's hair, and he nods and fetches the items requested.
It wouldn't have taken him long, since this is his own apartment, but he knows from the Sag- no, Scargen family they would want to have moments of privacy. Adrian finds the materials, but takes a long time refilling the bowls each minute to pass the time. After ten minutes or so, he returns. Walking into the room. he notices Sydney's much more relaxed form. He wishes he could introduce his mother to them and receive an affectionate hug like that. He hands her the materials and crosses his arms to block the unwanted thoughts. Deborah Sage wastes no time in dipping the cloth in the water and cleans Sydney's wound.
"Mrs. Sage, what will happen to Sydney now that she is not one of the Alcemfreaks and the divorce?" He asks suddenly and groans at the thought of how insensitive he must have sounded.
Nice going, douchebag. Way to please the mother. He thinks to himself and Deborah just gives him a sad smile.
"When I go to court, I planned on asking Sydney to testify on my behalf. Whether she does it or not will be her decision. As for not fully being with the Alchemfreaks, " She gives him a pat on the back and a wink for his nickname, "I know that they would never let her have a normal life and could possibly do anything harmful to keep their traditional ways."
"Couldn't we just steal her away and protect her forever just the two of us?" Adrian questions sitting on the other side of Sydney.
"How I wish that could be." She strokes Sydney's cheek once more.
The rest of the morning could fill a stadium with heated brains desperately thinking of ways out of the situation that was at hand. Adrian is pleased when Sydney was finally able to fall asleep and her mother had taken residence in his spare bedroom as well. As for Adrian himself, his eyes are drawn to the locked liquor cabinet. Although he has been clean for months now, thanks to Sydney's influence, his draw towards his only release is as strong as ever. The reality of the Alchemists taking Sydney away was all too real for his liking. He also made trips to Sydney's room to hold her, and even though he desperately wants to use Spirit to make the nightmares disappear, he lets her nightmares play out until he wakes her. The hopeless feeling of not being able to save Sydney from her nightmares proves what a fool he is. He turns his back from the cabinet and goes to his private computer that was on the nearly untouched desk. It takes no longer than a minute for Google Chrome to display on his screen and his saved Word Document next to it. Sydney was able to use her Alchemist connections to receive the video footage of Rose's crash. He replays it over and over seeing Rose's fearful face and his determined look to save her. For once, he was no longer envious or jealous of their relationship. He cares for Rose, but he can no longer see her as his love in his dreams. Instead, he sees the natural beauty of golden eyes and blonde hair. His breath intakes sharply to will his mind away from Sydney and focuses on the tinted windows. You couldn't see anything if you only looked at the surface, but Adrian's artists eyes has trained him to see things in a whole other perception. As well as your abuse of Spirit, my dear nephew. His beloved deceased aunt whispers in his mind; watching his every mood.
"Go away. This isn't the time."
"There is always time for family." She counters him and he closes his eyes.
It hurts to say what flows through his mind. She was the one person who always loved him no matter what. "I'm sorry Aunt Tatiana, but you are dead. You will always be my family and I've always loved you, but I don't have time for you anymore. There are people I love in the here and now that need my protection." He spits out finally feeling a load off his shoulders.
He minimizes the browser tab that contained a generic search database for physical description and reaches for his phone that rings. Picking it up, he slides the phone icon and presses it to his ear.
"Hello?" His voice sounds tired and deep to his own ears.
"Adrian, sweetheart? Is this you?" Her voice is like ice cold water to him.
"Mom? What-how are you calling me?" He cracks after a second of silence to understand the situation. He hasn't heard anything about her since the worthless visit to the number one jackass dad around last summer.
"It's me, Adrian. I was able to be released from good behavior and a friendly call from the Queen after her meeting with the Royals. They decided that my involvement with unimportant people to our society was a cruel, overloaded punishment." His mother explains making Adrian's blood boil.
Her involvement with the Alchemists was cleared and that would mean their eyes would be back on Sydney. Sydney, who was in no condition to play "how to be the world's best Alchemist" after the recent truth.
"Adrian? Are you still there? I was hoping we could stop and get lunch just the two of us. I haven't gotten to the house just yet. I"ll be there in the next few days."
"I'll meet you at Sierra Mar Wednesday at three, okay? I have to go mom. I love you." Tears fall at the last three words and he pushes his chair back; taking slow, deep breaths. He can't believe he will finally be able to be with his mom after so long.
He feels a soft hand run down his back and soft lips kiss his cheek.
"Sydney, what are you doing here? I thought you were asleep." Adrian questions, pulling her small body in his lap.
Her bare feet tuck underneath his long legs and her arms wrap around his shoulders. "I couldn't sleep anymore and needed a real warmth. I haven't been warm all evening." She mouth mutters against his neck.
"You know the specific part that's your personal heater." Adrian smirks, hiding his true feelings, and Sydney rolls her eyes and pushes him lightly.
"I love how you can always make me feel better." Sydney says, truth filling her core.
"I'll protect you always, Sydney. From any harm. Whether it's Strigoi or the Alchemists or even from your crazy dad. You're one of the most important people in the world to me." He finishes, and hold her tight, capturing her lips in a seductive, heated embrace.
Their makeout of sweet pecks and soft moans and tongue last for minutes until they both need air to breathe.
"Adrian, are you okay?" Her dainty hands cup his lack of three day shaved face and kisses his nose once.
He lifts her small body to where she is straddling his body, her pelvic meeting his. Heat and friction makes him groan as her hands run down his face. If he wasn't in such a strange mood, he would be tempted to take her right here and now.
"My mother is free from jail." He mutters finally and tears form in her eyes.
"That is the greatest news, Adrian. I wish I could meet her." She says sadly, knowing her life with Adrian could never be the way she captures it.
"It would be if the Alchemist won't turn their attention to you and Jill's situation instead of keeping her quiet."
Her hand grips his chin and a fierce, fiery look is back in her eyes. "We will get through this together. You and I." She states with no hesitation.
How he wants to ask her where this motivation came from after hours of sorrow, self loathing and harming, and fear, but he doesn't bring it up. He doesn't want to her regress back to that fearful Sydney. She's always been the strongest of the two of them.
"I believe that two people are connected at the heart, and it doesn't matter what you do, or who you are or where you live; there are no boundaries or barriers if two people are destined to be together." Adrian quotes earning him a genuine smile from Sydney.
"Julia Roberts?" She raises an eyebrow and they both share a laugh.
That quote has Sydney's heart racing. No one has ever said that to her so passionately and confidently before. His arms has held her support for, both physically and his words mentally, and she bites her lip. Even though it has only been a couple days since she first said she loves Adrian, her feelings has grown twice in just this one day. He has proved how far he is willing to stay with her. If he could change for the better for her, she will change for the better to be with him. After fighting her feelings for their love for so long, she metaphorically chucks her beliefs out the window.
"I know it sounds stupid to say, or I'm going to sound like a lovestuck teenaged girl. but you've been with me through this entire journey since I've stepped foot in California. I've pushed you away and unintentionally hurt you, but I've found that I've always loved you. I didn't want to admit to myself that I'm in love with a vampire, but I can't fight this feeling any longer. I don't ever want to leave you, Adrian. I love you." She whispers, suddenly shy of her declaration.
Adrian smiles could have rivaled the sun and he suddenly wishes he could have documented this moment.
"I know this may sound crazy and I'm going to sound like a sexual, selfish boy, but I want to be with you until the end of time. I've never loved anyone so much as I love you and it took me even awhile to realize it. We're both completely fucked up, Sydney. And this fucked up situation has increased our chances of being torn apart, but I won't let us be torn apart. If you will allow it, I'd like to ask you something," He slowly maneuvers his body to where he is on one knee with Sydney on the other. "Sydney Katherine Sage, would you be able to love this Spirit-crazed vampire who is head over feels for you so much that you would marry him and become Sydney Katherine Ivashkov?"
Sydney, for the fourth time today she believes, has cried, but this time these are happy tears. "Would you be able to marry and love a girl who barely knows who she is anymore and is still socially with the Alchemists who could potentially ruin your entire society?" She asks, kissing his ring finger.
"I couldn't be happier too."
"Then I can't wait to become Sydney Katherine Ivashkov." She nearly yells as they join in another kiss.
Adrian is in complete bliss and joy as he holds his girlfriend-newly-turned-fiance in his arms. This horrid day has been one of the best days he's ever had.
His joy lasts until Adrian turns his attention back to the picture of the car that hit Rose. That face has haunted him in his dreams and he wonders how is wasn't able to tell how it was in the photo before.
"Miss Ivashkov, please wake everyone up. We're going to shake up the world as we know it." He says in a tone that Sydney can't find but drop dead sexy.
"Because of our marriage?"
"That too my love, but I know who hit Rose." He finishes looking at the screen one more time.
