Chapter 8

Tae Kwon Leap

Minerva, as she walked along, looked to the young man that had managed to entertain the majority of the school and make Albus and Severus look like fools with little effort. She was amazed that young Miss Tonks had even helped. That she had found the tag team effort to be amusing; was neither here nor there. It had bothered her that Albus had felt the need to interrogate the young man during dinner. That this Garret Evans had risen to the task and managed to come out of the encounter with the Headmaster and Severus looking the worst, showed that the youth was quite smart and not to be taken lightly.

And the way he interacted with the younger students that were away from their homes and families for the first time had impressed her. Even more was the way that he behaved with Miss Tonks. He certainly seemed to keep her smiling, even if the girl tended to glare at him almost as often. Minerva took that to mean that Andromeda had set up the Betrothal with little cooperation from either of them. Mr. Evans seemed to want to not anger Miss Tonks if he could avoid it. The Scots woman could see that Andy Tonks had chosen well for her daughter. If the two managed to make it through a month as a couple, they'd be together for life.

Minerva found herself smiling at the thought. She'll have to talk with Pomona about odds and place her bet now.

After dinner, and the Headmaster had made his remarks for the opening of term and sent the students to bed, she had taken up her duty to escort the young man to the guest quarters near the Hufflepuff common room. Minerva allowed him to take his time and ask questions; which way was the shortest route to the nearest exit in case of emergency? Is there another route to the Great Hall? How many classrooms are there on a given floor? Is there any truth to the rumor that Filch has a mop fetish? What if the inflatable slide doesn't? Is it true that stewed rhubarb tastes much more like applesauce that pickled raisins do?

The short conversations he was delighted to have with the portraits were almost as amusing as the tear down of Snape at dinner. Leading him to the portrait guardian of the guest quarters, Minerva spoke, "the password is 'integrity'. I must ask that if you change it, as you'll be visiting often, to let me know what it is in case I need to get you. I also must ask that you not have Miss Tonks visit you without a chaperone. We have certain proprieties we have to enforce at Hogwarts."

Garret smiled at her warmly as he turned, showing the printed message on his shirt, 'I never get distra… (oooooooooo… shiny!)', and said. "Professor, what kind of boy do you think I am?"

Blinking at the question Minerva answered, "Mr. Evans, I'm sorry if I alluded to something inappropriate!"

"Relax Professor McGonagall. I'm teasing; Andy set the two of us up mostly to protect Cassie from your grease ball. I have no intention of doing anything that would be immoral, unethical or fattening… alright, maybe fattening, only because low fat ice cream tastes so much like sweat socks. If anything, I think my nephew, Andy and Ted need to be put in the time out corner."

"And why is that Mr. Evans?"

"Look, we're never gonna be friends if ya keep calling me 'Mr. Evans'. My name is Garret, and I would like to be friends with you Professor Specks."

"Why do you call me that?" Minerva's lips taking on a persimmonous cast.

"It may not be generally checked, but your animagus is a tabby with distinct markings around your eyes that look like your square framed glasses. I even wore this tee shirt today to let you know I share the fascination with distractions… probably a little more than I should."

"True, I had to register when I was twenty five, after I learned the technique. So, what is your animagus young man?"

Looking as if he were having a hard time controlling a snort, Garret answered, "I don't have one. And I haven't looked; never had the desire to find it. I imagine it would be something bizarre and off the wall if I was to try to find it. Probably something like a budgie or a fwooper, possibly a Lorax."

"Would you like training for it? I do have the credentials to pass on my knowledge of the transformation?" Minerva asked, in the hopes of gaining a new pupil to pass the skill to. Ignoring the oddness of the possibility of a non-existent creature as a form.

Garret looked pensive for a moment, and then answered, "I'll have to think about it. I really don't have that much time to devote to a long-term project like that. I'm raising my nephew, and he takes up a lot of my free time. What with teaching him to read, how to have fun and having him chase me up trees, barking and foaming at the mouth."

"Is he magical?"

"I would think so."

Minerva was intrigued, "Is he being tutored in his magic yet? I may be able to set aside a weekend a month, possibly more."

Garret smiled brightly, "No, he hasn't gotten any tutors yet. He's just now only seven, I don't want to risk damaging his core, but, I don't think that being taught theory and wand movement would be harmful to him."

"I wouldn't worry about his core being damaged, it's perfectly natural to work magic when a child has the ability; and getting to him early would save him from bad habits as well." Looking thoughtful, Minerva asked, "you say he's your nephew. What happened to his parents, if I might ask?"

"They died… end of the last war." Garret explained, with a single sentence.

"Who were they?" she asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"The woman that would have been my favorite sister, and definitely my favorite brother-in-law. Taken before their time because of a problem student you were in school with. And because Albus Dumbledore didn't do what was right when he should have, rather than what was easy. He took the less stressful and easy path of watching." Garret said with a sad smile.

This shocked Minerva. Who had she gone to school with that could have been part of that madness? And why would it be the fault of the Headmaster? "Surely, you can't be blaming the last war on the Headmaster."

The sad smile on his face became happier when he said, "Well, Professor. What happens when good men do nothing?"

"Why don't you enlighten me."

"When good men do nothing, the price of Jell-O becomes untenable, meerkats become involved with warthogs and coyote's catch road runners, it then falls to the wild hare to make things right. It becomes a sad state of affairs when a problem can be seen and still the duck falls for the reversal. And then the confusing behavior of Hillbillies when they get involved in a square dance while a rabbit dresses in drag. And yet, a double barreled shotgun can fire multiple rounds without reloading… it's…peculiar." He then entered the portal to the guest quarters and the portrait closed. Minerva was left with the feeling that the lucid conversation had been used to show a more serious person than she would have thought. That he had left with a rather cryptic and strange set of statements. She was certain he had meant something else with what he had uttered, but it was couched in so much double speak she may never decipher it.

Minerva made note to pass on the conversation to the Headmaster and slowly walked to her own quarters, attempting to puzzle out the meaning of what Garret Evans had just said, the thoughtful expression never leaving her face.

The next morning, very early, Severus woke in a bad mood. All night he'd had an itch that would not subside on his chest. It had kept him from sleeping as soundly as he would like, and no matter what he tried; the itch wouldn't go away. He also wasn't very happy with that person that had been sitting at the Hufflepuff table, making Severus look like a fool.

The freak whore would pay for it with her first potion class of the term. He smiled at the retribution he would extract. There would be nothing the man could do either, regardless of that Betrothal; Severus had full control of what happened in his classroom. He would make the little bint pay for helping the fool. The Greasy Git continued his plans of petty revenge while he dressed for his early morning patrol of the Halls. He stopped in mid sneer over his plans due to the increase in the itchiness on his chest and rushed to the mirror in his bath. Tattooed on his chest was a slogan, 'time for the 20,000 mile oil change? Use Fram oil filters.'

The twitch over his left eye had returned.

The scream of rage that followed rattled the windows in the Headmasters rooms and terrified the majority of the student body. Garret reached for a non-existent snooze button and went back to sleep.

Breakfast in the Great Hall that Saturday had barely begun for Nymphadora Tonks, and she was still a bit sleepy. Her housemates had kept her up late the previous night with gossipy questions regarding her betrothal. The majority of her housemates had behaved as if the situation was incredibly romantic and were actually jealous. Especially Marjory Pilker, the bint had actually offered her money to get to spend time with HER Garret. That was when Nymphadora noticed that the offer made her suddenly felt a jealous urge to strangle the pretty blond, she wondered about why. It wasn't like she had asked her mum to set up a Betrothal for her. Then she thought about how Garret might react to the offer.

She decided that Marjory wouldn't be able to keep up with him verbally, and Tonks didn't think the man would even give the bubblehead a second of thought. He'd stay with her, Tonks, mostly because he seemed to have a lot of fun with the playful banter she could put up. That made her smile over the preposterous idea that the 17-year-old would have any chance with HER betrothed.

The other girls had also been impressed with the interaction of the two at dinner when they had verbally slapped the Git around, and left the Headmaster speechless.

Tonks was happier that morning since the previous evening of spoiling the 'good cop bad cop' attempt on Garret by the Headmaster and the Potions Professor. The look of dawning horror that had erupted on Snapes face was priceless when he had discovered that not only was he being made a fool of; but that he had actually, unknowingly, cooperated with it. She was even giggling with the girls of 'Puff at some of the other things they had been talking about the evening before. Of course she was blushing at some of the stories the girls told of their summer holiday.

From the gossip, Marjorie really was a bint. The girl had been seen with no less then nine different boys over the holiday, three of them in one day. This made Tonks a lot happier with what her mother had done regarding that stupid betrothal. At least she didn't have to worry about having a date available when she went out. And she wouldn't have to make promises she wouldn't feel comfortable keeping. But now at Hogwarts, she and Garret were out of direct control of her mother.

Tonks was a lot more comfortable with the arrangement now that her mother wasn't able to enforce 'alone time' with her betrothed. Not that the girl didn't like the man, she did; but his strange conversational style and sense of humor could become a little much to deal with, even for her. Though he did tend to tone it down when it was just she and Harry around. Tonks thought he was quite smart, reasonably good looking, and he certainly was nice to her; but the fascination he had for all things silly, or the stray bit of lint or shiny foil, took some getting used to. He'd spent an entire day playing with a feather he had found once.

Over the summer, every day had been something different with him. And it didn't look to be changing anytime soon. And this day was to be no different than what she had grown to expect. She found herself wondering if this was what it was like having a hyperactive child.

Tonks had just sat down at the 'Puff table when her betrothed walked in. At his entry the entire Hall became silent, actually, it was more of a rolling wave of silence when he walked in, beginning at the doors and moving slowly to the other end. It also began at the Head Table where conversation had stopped the moment he became visible. The two waves of silence rolled toward each other, gathering speed until they crashed into one another leaving an utter silence that fell over the Hall was near deafening.

He had neon plaid pajamas on, with a dressing gown of electric lime green, and the most peculiar pair of –things- on his feet. That the toes of these things moved as if they were independent of each other amazed all who witnessed it. What the things looked like was a giant pair of bear feet. But that wasn't all, he managed to get even more attention with the odd way in which his legs moved, a strange rolling gait with a bizarre twisting of his knees, his upper body remaining normal in it's motion, moving independently from his lower half. When he stepped up to the table and took a seat opposite of Tonks, a few muggle-born were broken out of their stupor of seeing his bizarre entry and into laughter.

That his expression hadn't changed from the mildly serious one of unconcern, with the only alteration being a brighter smile from discovering the morning menu set out on the table. As he gathered the food for his plate, he looked across to his blushing fiancée with a grin that told her that he knew exactly what he was doing, and just didn't care about ruffling peoples feathers. Oddly, this calmed her first response to his appearance. This worried her.

"G'mornin' Garret. Sleep well?" was all she said.

"Yes, I did actually. I have a little problem with the cold stone floors on my bear feet though, but I'll get over it. Strangest thing, this morning my alarm was set for around 03:30 for some reason. I turned it off and went back to sleep. Can't imagine why I would set it for so early on a weekend. But who knows what I was thinking?" Garret answered.

"Don't you know?"

"Why ever would I know what I'm thinking? Do I look like a mind reader? I have it on good authority that I am a Master Occlumense, so it should be utterly impossible for me to know what I'm thinking." His smile becoming more of the 'go with it' invitation than the more secretive 'I'm tweaking you for my amusement' that he normally wore.

How Tonks had found herself becoming able to read the different meanings in his smiles amazed her, had brought her worry to near fear. 'COR! Whatever he has is contagious! Mum! I am so gonna get you for this!' What had amazed her even more was that she actually understood what he had just said. That realization nearly had her whimper in despair. She opted to go along, because she knew she was safe from him, though no one else was "Have you ever thought about possibly getting a translator for yourself Garret? That way you might understand your own motivations better."

The rest of the Hall seemed to be straining to hear what the two were saying in the conversational tone that they had, although the sound of their conversation carried through the whole room. Most thought that Tonks was a bit off, but to have someone there that made even Xenophilious Lovegood seem normal with his news articles, was a bit frightening. "Nope, hadn't thought of it yet. But it might not be a bad idea. Say, do you know where I might find somebody fluent in triple entendre, reverse innuendo and sextuple speak?"

"Can't say that I do. I imagine you could probably put an ad in the Quibbler or something."

Looking thoughtful for a moment, Garret opened his mouth to add to what Nymphadora had just said when a hand landed on his shoulder. Looking across the table at the girl that would someday be his wife, no matter how much he fought it, he asked, "That's somebody that has a poor sense of personal hygiene, and a displacement disorder regarding arrogance and deluded self importance isn't it?"

Obtaining a confused expression for a moment trying to determine what he'd just said, Tonks shook her head and said, "No, it's Professor Dumbledore. Professor Snape is at the Head table still."

"Oh good, it's just too early in the day for another round of 'tease the twit'. But then again…"

"Good morning." The pleasant grandfatherly tone came from over his shoulder.

"It was. But then the playful banter with my betrothed, stack of fritters, and huge glass of pumpkin juice was interrupted by a monosodium glutamate addict."

"I beg your pardon?" Dumbledore asked, followed by a not so gentle fluttering of his robes by an expulsion of rather loud gas that was clearly heard by all present. Another gift of long-term flatulence through an enchanted candy bowl. Garret had no idea how long that one would last, the runes imbue the jinx into random candies. Each jinx is intended to last a minimum of two weeks… and the way Fondles goes through lemon drops…

"Nice of you to ask ahead of time." Garret said, while coughing and waving his wand to dispel the smell, "But I would like to have my breakfast and try and talk my betrothed into something." That particular phrasing brought an inhaled sound of shocked disbelief that managed to make an already silent Great Hall, even quieter.

Her eyes widening at that statement, Tonks stammered, "W-w-w-wha"

"Yeah, ya see, I was thinking that it might be really, really nice of you to include all the firsties when you give me that tour of the school. That way I don't have to worry about my virtue getting compromised while being alone with you; and Professor McGonanananana…. Dammit, still can't do it right… Perfesser Specks won't think anything is going on." The blush on her face, clearly giving Garret a great deal of entertainment.

'Dammit!' Tonks thought, 'he set me up again. How does he do it?' Blinking at his request and her own naughty thoughts that he'd brought to mind, fighting her blush she said, "S-s-s-sure. We can do that! Dunno why we don't do it as a normal thing every year anyway?"

Coughing to gain their attention, Dumbledore spoke, "I would rather you came to my office so that we may speak young man. Before any 'tours' are conducted. I am the Headmaster of the school and I should like to know as to why I wasn't informed of your arrival." Then looking a little secretive, he continued. "I find I am rather fond of licorice wands of late."

Garret, while quirking his eyebrow at Tonks, replied to the Headmaster, "SIR! I would think it would behoove you to keep your deviant behavior to yourself! How could you stand there and make such a terrible admission in front of first years?"

Taking a breath and turning back to the girl he had become betrothed to, Garret said, "now, I can find my way back here, so ya wanna start the tour from the Entry Hall and drag us hither and yon? Be sure to have the kiddies bring parchment and scribble sticks to take notes and draw maps, mebbe a blanket and pillow for a nap when we get worn out." He then wrapped a pancake around a fried egg and several strips of bacon then made his way out of the Great Hall with an entirely different manner of walking than he had entered with.

Tonks was near tears in mirth at what he had done to Dumbledore; McGonagall and most of the rest of the staff were as well. Snape, well, that man doesn't have a sense of humor to be located anywhere in his body. The Headmaster was struck speechless again at the behavior of the young man, and most of the Hall was gasping trying to keep the laughter in check.

It just doesn't do to laugh at the most powerful wizard in the world. It has a tendency to wreck his self-image.

"But, they are a form of sweet." Albus tried to explain, too late to do any good. The held in laughter rolled free at that moment.

Tonks was surprised when Garret returned. He was wearing another tee shirt with a compass printed on it and arrows pointing every which-way; the legend 'I never get lost, only misplaced. This IS Las Angeles isn't it?' and she led him and the firsties on the tour. She had been surprised that he'd actually made the suggestion to lead the kids around to learn the castle. She found herself wishing someone had done it for her year. The man she would marry even managed to keep the kids together and attentive to her explanations by asking surprisingly interesting questions that the kids duly took notes of the answers.

The most mundane parts of the tour were livened by the man and his silliness. It was as if he treated everything as a joke just for his benefit that he allowed others to join in on. The trick step was covered with asking about the possibility of a dragon named Spot sleeping there and if a guy named Herman fed him properly. The greenhouses were made more interesting when he seemed disappointed that there were no plants that he called 'African Stranglers'. He tossed a bag of meatballs to one of the carnivorous plants with a small miffed expression.

One of the more strange occurrences had been when the stairs had been moved out of the path that they needed to take and Garret just went over to a wall and asked for the stairs to be brought back to them to use. This made her think that he was an Heir. When she asked about it he answered.

"Nah, ain't an Heir of the Founders… well maybe one, but it's really silly and anybuddy can ask the castle to help. She just likes to play, that's why the stairs move around all the time. When you ask nicely, she'll do things for you. Already asked her really nicely to take care of a problem for me. I'm not sure, but it might happen this week after I go home. I do know it'll be fun."

He didn't say what he had asked the castle to do, only snicker and say it was a surprise. Overall, the tour for the firsties had been a smash, all the kids had fairly accurate maps drawn by an auto-quill that Garret had brought. At the end of the tour he copied his own map to the blank parchment that all the kids had brought along at his suggestion. This didn't prevent the firsties from making their own notes about what they had been told.

Each of them had made very clear notes about asking Hogwarts for help when they were lost later in the year, and getting to classes on time. They wrote nearly everything that Tonks had said too. This made her feel very good and proud of herself, putting a new idea for her future into her head.

Tonks had so much fun performing as the tour guide that she hadn't realised what time it was. They had lunch mid-way through the tour, eating food brought to them by the house elves that Garret had asked the castle to call for him. Lunch wasn't a grand feast like the Great Hall would have seen, but it was enjoyable with finger foods the kids had fun eating, fried chicken, sandwiches and vegetables. All of it washed down with milk or pumpkin juice.

One of the muggle-born that didn't like the flavor of the juice had asked why wizards drink it. That was something that Tonks had never heard the reason for herself, and was surprised that Garret actually knew the answer. "Well… it's for the same reason you eat carrots and spinach or other leafy greens. With the carrots, you get vitamin A, which is good for your eyes. With the spinach and other leafy greens you get iron and zinc and other vitamins and minerals. Fruits all carry specialized vitamins. With pumpkin juice you get another building block that you need as a wizard, in this case it's what a muggle scientist would call an amino acid. It isn't a vitamin or mineral that can be obtained artificially through muggle tablets. It can only be found naturally in pumpkins. When a pumpkin is juiced and condensed, the amino acid is concentrated.

Now, this amino acid is what helps a wizard's magical core grow and get stronger when you are young. It's also why it isn't provided to wizards younger than ten years old. Having it too early can be damaging to the young wizard's developing core, forcing it to stabilize too early, this slows a young wizards core growth. At ten years the core has stabilized enough to be nourished to proper growth with the pumpkin juice.

You don't really need any more than a couple of glasses a day, but it won't hurt you to have more if you like it. Even if you don't like it, you should drink at least one glass daily for proper health of your core. I say it won't hurt to have more because it won't, it won't cause your core to grow larger than it would have with less. And it won't grow faster; it only helps to keep it healthy and growing steadily. Any extra is passed through just like too much vitamin B.

To get your core to get bigger takes time and effort, which is why you come to a school to learn how to use your magic. Using it also exercises it like your muscles that get bigger and stronger with regular use. Your wanded classes are to give your core the proper controlled environment for supervised exercises. That's sort of like going to a gymnasium and having instructors there to watch over and help you so you don't get hurt by trying to do too much before you are ready with the weights and machines. It works the same way with magic, the teachers are there to keep you from hurting yourself by doing things you aren't ready for.

And just like heavy weights are easier to lift with muscles given enough iron from eating high iron foods like spinach, pumpkin juice provides what you need to help your magical core get stronger. Does that help you understand why you should drink it?"

All the kids had stopped talking when he began to speak so lucidly, not once did he utter a single silly phrase or make a joke all through the answer he'd given the little girl. In fact all the kids, save a few that would forever be behind the rest in their studies, took notes about what he'd just said. Tonks could see the gleam in the eye of a few that showed they had already decided on their careers at that point, be it teacher or Healer, her fiancé had stirred their imagination with a truthful and complete answer that they had never heard before.

Tonks had never heard it either, and she had asked the reasons why she had to drink something that left such a lingering taste in her mouth of her mother. All she'd ever been told was 'because it's good for you', the standard reply when the parent knows it's true but doesn't know why.

Looking at the awe in his betrothed and the eyes of the kids made Garret feel quite good about himself. He had actually been able to impart knowledge as he had done in his previous life and world to people that really wanted to know. Not that he had done it that often back home, being a trucker left so little time to actually pursue the long held desire of being an educator. Seeing that he had all their attention he added. "It was a study performed by Algernon Croaker of the English Department of Mysteries and Philip Kinse; an American muggle-born that studied to become a muggle scientist called a nutritionist. They collaborated on a study and wrote the report in 1984. There's an article on it in 'Modern Wizard'. I'll get a few dozen copies sent up for your charms class. I think Professor Flitwicke is most likely the person that would be using it in class."

From there the rest of the day was still fun, and Garret would still get the kids to giggle with some random silliness. But they all, for the most part, remained thoughtful about what he'd said about such an everyday item like pumpkin juice. It was still a couple of hours before dinner when they all went their separate ways. Tonks went to her dorm to freshen up and relax for a bit.

Saturday's dinner in the Great Hall was almost as ridiculous as the previous evening's. Only this time Garret was already there when everyone arrived. He was lying in the middle of the Hall, and it looked as if he were sound asleep. Gradually the students trickled in and gently made their way around his prone form. Most assumed that it would be the wiser course to NOT tickle the sleeping dragon, just as the school motto suggested. Of course, this didn't mean that two of the staff were nearly as wise in their choice.

The students had all decided that the entertainment aspect of what he was going to do to Snape or Dumbledore was far too good to bother him before those two arrived. Tonks, who had been so surprised by his behavior with the littles during the tour, only felt embarrassed when she walked in from returning to her dorm to look at the notices for the next week posted on the bulletin board there. Arriving at the Great Hall and discovering the man she was supposed to be marrying in a few years lying on the floor as if it were a huge comfy feather bed did nothing for her composure.

It certainly didn't help her out when Snape and the Headmaster stepped to his side and nudged him with their toes. Garret, rolled over to his back, snorted and opened his eyes, gasping as if he'd just been waked from a nightmare, "so it was a dream, only a dream! But it wasn't like any dream I'd ever had before!" he gasped out, and swallowed nervously.

Dumbledore, blinking in confusion at the strange young man at his feet asked, "What was a dream young man?"

Garret answered, while pointing to a few different people, "It was so strange. You were there, and you were there," pointing to the Headmaster then Snape, "And her," pointing to Tonks." So much happened, and all of was frightening. I had to take a long trip to find a way, but I kept telling everyone I met that I wanted to go home. I just wanted to go home."

Tonks, knowing she would regret it said, as she settled at his side on her knees to help him sit up, "It's okay now Garret. You're home and it's all good, whatever was so frightening is over now, it was only a dream. Just a bad dream, you're safe now."

'Why do I let him do this?' she though to herself, 'it must be for the glazed looks of confusion on Dumbledore's face. That almost makes it worth it."

Looking into her eyes and confirming he was playing again, the twinkle in his eyes telegraphing it so easily that a novice could read it. Strangely it still left out Snape and Dumledore, Garret said, "The most terrible thing about it was the damned gingham dress and those tight ruby slippers. And Toto wouldn't stop that damned barking at the blue flying monkeys. The Tin-man kept whining about needing more oil," he glared at Snape when he said this, "and the Scarecrow was truly a straw man." Looking at the Headmaster with disappointment as he finished. "I really don't feel like talking about the cowardly lion, I might get heartburn."

Sighing to herself over the clear verbal slapping that she'd just witnessed, Tonks stood and helped her fiancé to his feet. Garret, once he was completely upright, and on his feet, was crowded by Snape who asked, "Why were you sleeping on the floor you buffoon?" with a sneer clearly dripping from his voice and face.

Garret, evidently fighting the smirk he trying to escape his lips, glanced at Tonks only long enough to wink, replied, "I wasn't sleeping on the floor…I was only leaning on it."

Then he turned and sat down at the 'Puff table and began loading his plate and the plate beside him for Tonks. He held his hand up to the girl and said, "Let me help you to your seat Glinda."

Dumbledore was truly perplexed by the man that had come to his school. At no time had he done anything that could be considered poor behavior, odd behavior but not threatening. Nor had he actively perpetrated any sort of confrontation with any of the instructors on staff. In fact, the only people that had been given any kind of trouble were himself and his good friend Severus. In each case, this man, Evans, had pointedly disarmed and thoroughly reduced the respect of the entire school shown to himself and Severus.

And in each case, Albus had to admit that the incidents had been instigated by their own actions. The last time he had to physically restrain Severus from attacking the man from behind. He knew of the type of curse that Severus would have used, for he was sorely tempted to do so himself.

The number of students that had some level of appreciation for what was done truly confused Albus. Never had he encountered anyone that could say so many things with so few sentences. The skill involved and required to couch so many levels of meaning in ways that came out as humorous to those that understood amazed him. Yet, he was almost certain the young man was saying things that only he understood fully.

The sheer number of muggle-born that appreciated the humor of the man was quite disconcerting. The way Gryffindor House had seemed to lose complete respect for Severus in less than three days was frightening. And the way that the entire student body seemed to have lost respect for himself was equally frightful. Albus didn't like the way people had laughed at him. It had made him feel as if he were especially slow, something like the dim cousin everyone tolerates but doesn't have the heart to send away to an institution.

The man was quite frustrating to deal with. All Albus wanted to do was to speak with him and find out more of him. 'Perhaps I should have Alastor look into him when he returns with Harry Potter.' He decided. The old wizard was fairly certain that he would gain little from the young man, even confronting him in his own castle as he had been attempting to. And those attempts had yet to bare any fruit.

"One last attempt to garner knowledge from him as well as perhaps his trust." He spoke aloud as he walked along the corridor toward the guest chambers Minerva had assigned the youth. Arriving at the portrait of the Golden Harpist, who, for some reason Albus couldn't fathom, now wore a muggle trenchcoat, a beaten top hat, excessively worn shoes and tatty clothes. The face of the Harpist held a beatific and vacuous grin that was most confusing. It bothered Albus that the Harpist didn't speak as he had before. In fact the harpist now behaved as if he were a mute.

Knocking gently on the frame, the Headmaster waited for the young man to answer. It was quite late and all the students were abed. Curfew had struck with the staff all tucked away until early morn. And he knew this would likely be his last opportunity to have a conversation with this Garret Evans person. Albus was getting rather tired of being put off.

A voice came from the other side of the portrait, "Who eez eet?"

" 'tis I, Albus Dumbledore, and I would speak with you if I may." He answered the voice, some steel tempering his own. This was his castle and School Dammit! And he would not have such a person giving him such disrespect and ignoring him so.

"Sorry, you're not on the list."

"List? What list?" Albus blinked with confusion. He found himself doing that more lately and did not like it. Being confused damaged his persona of all knowing that had been so carefully crafted over the decades.

"I'm sorry, but I can't tell you. In order to know about what the list is. You must be on the list, and if you are on the list then you already know, thereby negating the need to ask about the list. If you want to be placed on the list, you first have to apply for a license to be provisionally placed on the list at the nearest Center For the List."

"And where might I find this Center?"

The voice returned, "Again, I'm sorry, but to be told that you must have the authority to be told by being on the list. It's very important, you understand, that no unauthorized people be told."

"Then how does one obtain permission to find this Center to be placed on the list if he must be on the list to begin with?" Albus was feeling a strange desire to begin pulling at his beard.

The voice on the other side of the portrait answered, "To do that you have to contact your local representative to the Center For the List. And petition him/her to be put on the short list to be placed on the list of people applying to be placed on the list."

The need to begin pulling his beard had just grown stronger, "And where might I find this alleged person that is my representative?"

Albus could almost see the head of the person nodding as they said, "You would have to go to the offices of the representative at either an accredited branch of the Ministry Department of Lists, or to the Center itself to find him. But I must warn you; most of the representatives are pretty strange people that don't like to be found. The best way to do this would be to look in the last place first. To get a list of places that a representative might be found you should apply with the secretary in order to be put on a list for mailing to receive the list of places the representative could be found."

Albus began feeling as if Fudge had finally managed to create the bureaucracy he, Malfoy and Umbridge had dreamed of for years. "So I should go to the Ministry to apply for this list to be sent to me in the post?"

"No, why ever would you go to the Ministry for something as being put on the list to receive the list in the mail to apply with a representative to be put on a list to have your name posted on the List?"

Albus, near tears in frustration at the conversation, "But you just said that I should go to the Ministry."

At that the voiced hmmed for a moment and then said, "No, I said that you needed to go to an accredited location of the Ministry Department of Lists to apply. There is no office of the Department of Lists at the Ministry."

"In that case, where would I find this accredited location?" Albus asked, believing he was finally getting somewhere.

"Anaheim, Ca. in the United States. But they have peculiar office hours; they're only open on days beginning with an R during the fifth week of the month, mostly during a Leap Year. If you hurry, you might get there before they close." The voice explained.

"But there is no day that begins with an R…" at that point Albus passed out from the massive confusion his centenarian mind couldn't deal with.

At the slumping of his form the portrait opened to show the widely grinning face of Garret. 'God, I love pulling a 'Norman' on these putzes that are too smart for their own good.' After taking the time to arrange the old fart to be more comfortable on the floor, he placed the Elder Wand in Albus hand and cast a low powered disarming charm. The wand flew from the slack grip of the old man and into his own.

Garret knew he was setting that up a bit early, but he didn't feel guilty over it. To him, it was just an item on the list to take care of that had been gotten to much earlier than expected. He put the wand back into the concealed holder the old fart had up his sleeve and called for a couple of elves to carry the old man to his rooms and put him to bed.

But not before charming a few of the old bastards beard hairs with a stench addition to the flatulence hex added to another and a personal scent deadener for Albus on his nose. The idea that the societal tear down of the 'Greatest Wizard of the Age' was continuing at a good walk; well, that gave Garret a warm feeling all over.

Clapping his hands together and rubbing them fiercely, Garret spoke aloud, "Now, what can I get Oil Can Harry with this time before I go home tomorrow?" As he walked down the hall to the stairs, intent on some deviltry that would only activate when Snape walked through the door of his quarters in the morning. Plans for plaid hair that cycled through every garish color of the rainbow, or shoes that cracked and popped like firecrackers playing through his mind.