Blaze: new chapter
Palpypie: how dare you say we can't have you forsaken remote for 5,000 years
Blaze: you weren't specific
Palpypie: (glowers angrily)
Sirius: (runs over Palpypie on flying motorcycle)
Anakin: I WANT ONE!
Obi-Wan: NO!
Anakin: spoilsport
Sirius: (grins)
Blaze: (laughs) here is the next chapter and thank you to everyone who helped me get 64 on this story and sorry for the almost two month long wait. Also, this story will now jump between the city-closet, Earth, Middle Earth, the Wizarding World and Alagaesia. I also changed the title since I decided to hop around during this story like I did in the one before this one. Warning: spoilers for Revan.
Disclaimer: I do not own shnooks, Wolfy, jolly ranchers, Jeff Dunham and ANT Farm
Chapter 8
The Chaos Returns to Coruscant
Somewhere, the city-closet...
Palpypie was wandering the vastness of somewhere deep in thought. The landscape periodically changed around him but he never noticed it. It went from a dense rainy rainforest to a scorching hot desert to a grassy meadow to a snow-capped mountain within a matter of second before it settled on a snow-capped mountain. The idiot didn't seem to notice when the temperature went from humid to extremely hot to warm to freezing.
However, the Dunderheads who were following did notice.
"Blast it, it is kriffing freezing," the silent coward Maul growled angrily.
"Tell me about it," Asajj Ventress agreed.
"When did you get here?" Dooky asked.
"Yesterday."
"Why the bloody hell are we here?" Lucius demanded shivering, his teeth chattering.
"Idiot, just cast a warming charm," Snape sneered. He and Bellatrix were the only ones who thought ahead and cast a warming charm whenever the weather turned cold and a cooling charm whenever the weather turned hot.
"Oh…right."
"Lucky idiots," Ventress growled.
"Tell me about it," Kronybread agreed.
"Even my cloak isn't warm enough for this," Galbycakes exclaimed.
"That's actually because you lost your cloak about three miles back dawg," Durizzle said.
"And why didn't you tell me this earlier?"
"Forgot."
"You'd forget your own head if it wasn't attached," Saruman growled.
"Truly," Wormtail agreed.
"Who asked you, bloody rat?" Snape snarled casting a repelling charm that sent Wormtail flying into Wormtongue and the two of them went rolling down the side of the mountain they were hiking through.
"Stop that, Severus!" Voldymuffin shouted angrily.
"Make me," Snape invited him coolly.
Voldymuffin glared at him. "Stupid Severus being the stupid authoress's stupid favorite stupid character stupid," he muttered.
Bellatrix rolled her dark eyes. "And people say I'm crazy," she muttered.
"Well you are," Sauron said and was promptly hit upside the head with a frying pan. "All right, who did that?"
Snape lowered his wand and pointed to Lucius.
"I didn't do it this time," Lucius exclaimed.
"This time?"
"Er…I meant I didn't do it."
"Sure you didn't," Snape sneered.
At that instant, a horde of purple bees appeared out of nowhere and began to attack Bellatrix causing her to screech in fury. "Damn you, Wolfy," she shrieked as she was stung several times by the purple bees. "Help me Sev!"
"I would but…I really don't want to fight off Wolfy's army of Shnooks because I didn't let her torture her least favorite character."
"Shnooks? What the bloody hell are Shnooks?"
"Furballs with faces basically."
"Shut up, you two. We're trying to concen…" Voldymuffin began but broke off as he tripped over an upturned root and slammed face first into a puddle of mud. To make matters worse, no one stopped walking and merely used Voldymuffin as a bridge to get across the puddle of mud without getting mud on their shoes or clothes.
"Do you mind?" Voldymuffin screamed. "I'm not a piece of carpet you can put over a puddle of mud and walk over." He pushed his way through them and retook the lead just behind a still deep in thought and muddy Palpypie but he tripped again and landed face first in another puddle of mud. The Dunderheads used him as a bridge to get across the puddle again.
"I just said I wasn't a bloody bridge," the muddy dark lord screeched angrily getting to his feet.
"Oh, I thought you said you were, dawg," Durizzle said.
Voldymuffin glared at them.
Snape snickered.
"Don't you dare snicker at me, Severus!"
Snape merely snickered louder.
Voldymuffin glared angrily.
The Candy Building, the city-closet...
Murtagh climbed off the candy trolley before entering the candy building with Eragon, who had Wolfy walking at his side, Anakin, Harry, Hermione, Luke and Blaze just behind him. He immediately made his way to the chewy jolly ranchers section of the candy building before beginning to stock up on the candy.
"Wait a minute," Hermione said frowning. "I thought you said that candy was the only currency the buildings in your city-closet would accept. So, doesn't it defeat the purpose to have a candy building where you can only buy candy with candy?"
Blaze shrugged. "This is where the candies I don't like get spent," she said.
"Can my shnooks buy some candy?" Wolfy asked gesturing to her army of multi-colored Shnooks just behind her.
"Go ahead but make sure you pay for it."
"Okay. Go ahead and grab what you want."
The shnooks immediately moved forward rapidly and Murtagh, where he was filling a cart with chewy jolly ranchers, hard jolly ranchers and lollipops, watched as they swarmed the building but he said nothing in response.
Blaze, naturally, was already buying a handful of candy. Luke and Anakin were examining a large star shaped lollipop that hung from the roof, a new addition to the building while Hermione scolded Harry about the amount of candy he had taken from the building and Wolfy was walking beside Eragon through the aisles.
"Gee, this is a large lollipop. I bet it costs like twenty five thousand pieces," Anakin said.
"Probably," agreed Luke tipping his head to one side to examine the lollipop. "I want it."
"So do I."
The insane Skywalker duo then began to pull out their pieces and count them.
"All right, I have thirteen thousand pieces," Anakin said.
"I have ten thousand."
"Damn, that leaves us two hundred short," Anakin muttered before glancing at the lollipop ignoring Luke's "you really don't know how to subtract, do you?" "That's supposing it is 25,000 pieces."
"Excuse me!" Luke shouted at the candy building clerk, who was standing only a few feet away.
"I'm right here. You don't need to yell," the clerk muttered.
"How much is that lollipop?" Luke asked pointing to the lollipop.
"Thirty thousand pieces."
"Damn! That means we're seven hundred short," Luke muttered, ignoring Anakin's "and you say I don't know how to subtract" before he glanced at his father. "Hey, why don't you use your 'I'm Blaze's all time favorite character' thing and get this lollipop for us."
Anakin grinned before leaping to his feet and running to join Blaze. "Blaze!" he shouted.
"What?" Blaze shouted back.
"Why must you two yell when you're only a few feet from each other?" Eragon exclaimed from where he was attempting to carry all the bags of candy that Wolfy and her Shnooks bought.
"I don't know!" Both of them yelled back.
"We want that lollipop but we're seven hundred short," Anakin said pointing to the large lollipop that Murtagh was beginning to eye even as he began counting his pieces.
"Don't you meant seven thousand?"
"Uh…Luke's the one that said seven hundred."
"That's ours!" Luke shouted igniting his lightsaber and standing protectively in front of the lollipop.
"It's mine now!" Murtagh shouted pulling out his sword and glaring at Luke.
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"Mine!"
"I'll wrestle you for it!"
"You're challenging me?" Murtagh echoed pointing to himself.
"Just bring it," Luke retorted.
Anakin sighed. "He's gonna get his ass kicked," he said.
"So little faith in your son, Vader!" Luke shouted.
"I quit being Vader who knows how long ago," Anakin protested.
"You still got your ass kicked."
"Not as badly as Obi-Wan all the times before that."
A loud "I heard that!" sounded.
"If you want the discount, you've gotta dance to Shania Twain. Hopefully you won't suck as badly as Harry did. That's still on the city-closet TV by the way."
"I don't know how to dance!" Harry exclaimed.
"Really? I thought you were just having stomach cramps."
"That was mean and who said that?"
Anakin whistled innocently.
Harry glared at Anakin and pulled out a lightsaber. "What the heck?"
Anakin pulled out Harry's wand. "You'd better give that back to Obi-Wan before he blames me again," he said.
"I have mine, that must be yours," Obi-Wan said walking into the candy building.
Anakin immediately felt his belt but discovered it was empty. "Ah damn it!" He used Harry's wand to take his lightsaber back from Harry and then stunned Harry.
Hermione glanced at Harry. "Why are you always picking fights with people who can kick your ass, Harry?" she asked before walking off before Harry could reply.
Harry glared at both Hermione and Anakin. "Can I have my wand back?"
"Nah."
"Anakin, give the worst dancer in the history of the world, wizarding world and the galaxy far, far away his wand back," Obi-Wan said with a sigh.
Harry turned his glare to Obi-Wan who merely raised his eyebrows challenging and Harry stalked away but not before stealing his wand back from Anakin.
"My lollipop!" Luke shouted from where he and Murtagh were wrestling in front of the giant lollipop.
Anakin stretched out a hand before using the Force to lift Murtagh off his son and place him on the rafters above. "Grab it and run Luke!" he shouted running to his son's side. He and Luke grabbed the giant lollipop before tossing the clerk their pieces and the seven hundred pieces they stole from Murtagh and running away.
"Damn you!" Murtagh shouted leaping down from the rafters and chasing after the insane Skywalker duo.
Entrance to the City-Closet...
Qui-Gon watched from the entrance to the city-closet as Anakin and Luke, dragging a large lollipop behind them, past the entrance with an enraged Murtagh behind them. He glanced at Yoda who was also watching the scene with narrowed eyes.
"Anger leads to the dark side," he called to Murtagh.
"Shut up, midget!" Murtagh screamed.
"Uh oh," Qui-Gon said.
"MIDGET! How dare midget call me you?" Yoda screamed leaping onto his hoverchair and flying rapidly after Murtagh with his lightsaber ignited and in his hand.
Qui-Gon sighed before walking off to highjack the Executor. When he was onboard the Star Destroyer, he flew out of the city-closet and began to make his way toward somewhere where the dull dim-witted thick unintelligent dense slow ill-advised injudicious foolish obtuse stupid unwise brainless daft silly ridiculous laughable ludicrous imprudent Dunderheads were located.
Gee, those are just a bunch of synonyms of the same word, you know.
Oh shut up.
"Who are you arguing with now, stranger?" Qui-Gon asked slipping onto the bridge of the Executor before Force-pushing everyone on the ship out of it.
Still Obama.
"Good grief, that's getting old," Qui-Gon said with a sigh pushing a technician out of the way and hotwiring the Executor before flying it out of the city-closet, incidentally running Darth Malak and Scourge over as he did so.
"Ah come on," Malak and Scourge yelled.
"I've gotta a bone to pick with you, idiot," Meetra shrieked igniting her lightsaber and chasing after Scourge who, screaming in fright like a girl, took off running.
Malak sighed. "Well, thank the Force Revan's not here."
Revan tapped Malak on the shoulder.
"What do you want?" Malak demanded turning around only to find a fist punching him hard in the nose to where you could hear the bone break and Malak was knocked to the floor.
"That's for betraying me, bastard!" Revan shouted before he ran off to join the Jedi Exile as she began hacking Scourge to pieces.
"When did Revan, Meetra, Malak and Scourge get here?" Blaze asked popping up out of nowhere and glancing at Malak who was clutching his broken nose.
"I don't know," Obi-Wan said. "Well, I'm off to make sure Anakin and Luke don't destroy the city with that lollipop of theirs."
"Okay."
Malak groaned sitting up before frowning when he caught sight of Obi-Wan. "Who's that cute guy over there?" he asked.
"AHHHHHH!" Obi-Wan screamed slamming a sledgehammer into Malak's head and taking off running out of the city closet.
Blaze realized something was missing and then a blue lightbulb appeared above her head. "Aha," she declared before she pressed a button on her remote and Malak was lifted into the air before he was promptly dropped into a volcano that had appeared out of nowhere. "Much better."
Coruscant...
"Get these psychotic Jedi away from me!" Scourge screamed pushing rudely past Severus Snape and running on down the streets.
Snape scowled angrily. "Moronic dunderhead," he muttered.
"Where'd he go?" Meetra gasped coming to a stop next to Snape to catch her breath. Revan joined her but he didn't seem as out of breath as Meetra; that was probably do to the fact that he took a shortcut.
"That way," Snape said pointing to where the idiotic dunderhead had run past him.
"Thanks." Meetra took off after Scourge again.
"What does she have against that red-skinned guy Scourge?" Snape asked curiously.
"He betrayed and killed her," replied Revan.
"Ah. Speaking of that, would you like to join me in finding the moronic imbecile who killed me in somewhere and seeing what we can do to him while maintaining my cover?" Snape asked examining the dark eyed Jedi-Turned-Sith-Turned-Jedi, hey, it's another Anakin!
Revan shrugged. "Why not?" he replied before he and Snape went off to somewhere to find the imbecilic dunderheads.
Top of a Random Skyscraper, Coruscant...
"Ahh, I have missed this place," Ahsoka said softly leaning against the skyscraper. "I'm so glad Blaze said we could come here again."
"Tell me about it," Murtagh said before watching in amusement as Anakin and Luke created mass destruction with their massive lollipop.
Fluffy roared in agreement before leaping on top of a speeder that was flying crazily through the airways and leaping from what one to another one. The speeder continued to fly crazily, nearly crashing into the skyscraper Ahsoka and Murtagh were standing on.
"What's the matter with you? Where'd you get your license? A cereal box?" Murtagh shouted angrily.
"Let's get you some candy," said Ahsoka with a sigh before she took Murtagh's hand and the two of them walked down from the skyscraper.
"When did those two get together?" asked Leia frowning.
"I have no idea. After he saved her life I guess," said Hermione reading a book.
Leia shrugged before turning her gaze back to her book.
"Oh no, Hermione's corrupted Leia!" Han cried out in fear before running away. Chewbacca, growling, jogged after Han; poor Han seemed to have become insane from the time he spent within the city-closet.
Then again, when was the nerfherder ever sane?
True, true.
Wait a minute, how can you be narrating and be reading.
I've always been a great multi-tasker.
Oh…GET AWAY FROM MY CHOCOLATE, YOU CRETIN!
"Who's Padmé going after now?" Hermione asked.
"Legolas and Gimli."
"Ah."
The Works, Coruscant...
"I've eaten two large pieces of chocolate," Gimli declared wiping the chocolate that was all around his mouth.
"I'm already at seventeen," Legolas shouted back.
"What?"
Legolas ate two more pieces. "Nineteen now."
"You dare steal my chocolate. You filthy half-blood," Padmé screamed beginning to blast Legolas and Gimli.
Gimli immediately took off running.
"Abandoner," shouted Legolas before he leapt onto a random speeder and, kicking the driver out of his seat, sped away.
The Senate Building, Coruscant...
Mace drove his Mustang, yes he brought his Mustang from the city-closet to Coruscant, before parking it in front of the Senate Building. "And to your left, you see the Senate Building, which is your final destination. Now, get the kriffing hell out of my car!"
"But it's soo nice," Arya protested.
Mace flicked a panel upward before pressing a button that had EJECT in big, bold red letters and Arya, Brom, Morzan, Draco, Remus, Sirius, Percy, Annabeth and Gandalf, who was fast asleep, were ejected from the car. The eight people were sent flying in all directions. Although, no one knows how, they all ended up landing in the Senate Chamber.
Unfortunately, Jar-Jar was there.
"NOOO!"
500 Republica, Coruscant...
"My precious," Frodo murmured rocking back and forth holding a stale bagel in his hands.
"Wait a minute, I though his precious was a stale cookie," Sam said frowning in confusion.
"Fluffy ate the cookie so he picked up a random bagel he found in a dumpster and started calling it my precious," Poseidon said.
"When did this happen?"
"While you were tossing water balloons as the dark idiots when they got to Coruscant from Somewhere," said Thalia with a snort.
Grover's brow furrowed. "But I wanted to do that," he whined.
Arwen sighed. "Idiots," she muttered before she glanced up. "OHHH! SHINY!" She screamed before dashing forward, pushing Eowyn off the veranda and picking up the shiny lightsaber hilt that was lying on the ground.
"Did Anakin lose his lightsaber again?" Ron asked frowning even as Eowyn, miraculously still alive, had to be held back by Zoe and Luna so as to avoid killing Arwen.
Arwen ignited the lightsaber and the purple blade blazed to life. "Nope, Mace did."
"Cool, I'm giving that to Anakin," Ron said taking the blade from Arwen when she deactivated it and tossed it away. "Maybe this'll finally get him off my back about the tar and feather incident."
"Tar and feather incident?"Luna echoed softly.
"Er…I…sorta cast a spell that poured tar and feathers on Anakin while he and Luke were destroying the lower levels of Coruscant with that giant lollipop of theirs.
"Why you stuck up-half-witted-scruffy-looking nerfherder!"
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Zoe asked frowning but no one answered.
The Sky Above Coruscant...
Oh it's good to be back, Shurikan yowled happily landing on a skyscraper.
Gah, get me out of this forsaken window! Thorn screeched angrily struggling to pull his head out of the window he had, though no one knew how, gotten stuck in.
You are such an idiot. Didn't you learn your lesson when you were following that ant carrying that popcorn kernel that it's not wise to get your head stuck in a window? Saphira asked confused.
It's not like I did it on purpose, Thorn shouted.
Does this happen often? Asked Firnen.
Almost every single day, said Saphira with a sigh. Thorn is…not the brightest dragon in the world. I really do feel sorry for his rider…though not as much as I feel sorry for Shurikan's.
Tell me about it. I would hate to be Galbycakes's dragon.
So would I.
So do I, Shurikan agreed before he set Saruman, who happened to wander in front of him, on fire.
"HOT!" Saruman screamed.
Sorry Dooku…oh wait, I'm not sorry. Shurikan set Saruman on fire again.
"I'm not DOOKU!" Saruman screamed running away.
The Jedi Temple, Coruscant...
The lollipop was halfway done; Anakin and Luke had been licking it while they were using it to destroy the lower levels of Coruscant. "Ugh, I can't believe we ate half the whole thing," groaned Anakin.
"Half the whole thing? First you can't count and then you can't talk," Luke exclaimed groaning.
"Oh shut up," Anakin retorted.
Ron popped up out of nowhere. "Hey Anakin."
Anakin glared at Ron before igniting his lightsaber.
"Wait, wait, I've got some blackmail material."
"What kind of blackmail material?" Anakin asked deactivating his lightsaber.
"GOT MILK?" Luke shouted.
"Uh…no…I've got something…better."
"Soda? Caf? Cappuccinos?"
Mmm, cappuccinos.
"Damn it, Luke, did you have to mention cappuccinos?" Blaze shouted at Luke.
"Why can't I mention cappuccinos?"
"Stranger's supposed to stay off caffeine for two weeks and now he's looking for a Starbucks and it's only been a day and now I have to deal with a psychotic chocoholic as the narrator.
WHO ARE YOU CALLING PYSCHOTIC? WHO'S GOT MY CHOCOLATE?
"Voldymuffin and Lucius do!" Snape and Revan shouted from where they were stringing Voldymuffin and Lucius from their feet on the tallest skyscraper on Corsucant.
Damn them. I'll get them back. (Scary voice)
"Anyway," Anakin said, "what blackmail material do you have?"
Ron grinned. "Mace lost his lightsaber! Mace lost his lightsaber!" he said in a singsong voice before leaping up with a cry of fright, that sounds like girl's screech, when Mace appeared out of nowhere, seemingly, at his side.
"Where's my lightsaber?" he demanded leaning out of the Mustang only to fall out and Luke and Anakin immediately highjacked the Mustang and drove away rapidly.
"DAMN THEM!" Mace shouted angrily grabbing his lightsaber, Force pushing Ron into Padmé and chasing after Luke and Anakin.
Padmé pushed Ron away from her. "Stay away from my chocolate!" she shouted before walking off.
Dungeons Beneath the Jedi Temple, Coruscant...
Lucius screeched in fury as he struggled to get free from the binds that had him swinging, upside, from the rafters of the dungeons. "Get me down from here, you mudblood," he screamed at Revan who was pouring fire ants, no one knows where he found them, all over Palpypie, Kronybread, and Durizzle.
Voldymuffin had gone to find Malak only to be pushed into the volcano by a well-aimed repelling hex, which was delivered by Snape though no one knew it. Speaking of Snape, the master spy was watching in the shadows as Revan tortured the idiotic dunderheads.
Dooky the Friendly Ghost sighed with relief. "I am so glad I'm a ghost," he said only to be stabbed by Ice, which Snape was holding in his hand. "Ah damn it, I forgot about Ice."
Revan had Nagini squeezing Wormtail, good for you, Nagini, break the moronic traitor in half…
Snape, when did you become the narrator?
When Padmé took a brief chocolate break. I can't find Leia.
I think I saw her at the Jedi Temple Archives.
"NOO, Hermione's corrupted her too much," Han screamed.
"Get a hold of yourself, man," Chewbacca growled.
Anyway, Nagini was squeezing Wormtail and Revan had Wormtongue spinning Nagini, and, by default, Wormtail, around by the tail.
Lucius, who was still hanging from the rafters, and Snape were now arguing; more or less, they were shouting insults and comebacks at each other.
"You bubblebrain," Lucius shouted.
"Bubblebrain? You scruffy bubblehead."
"Who's scruffy looking? You're scruffy looking."
"Okay, Voldymuffin Junior."
"Shut up, git."
"Whatever, Paris Hilton."
"Why do you always give him the better comebacks, narrator?" Lucius screamed.
Hey, I'm just listening.
Lucius turned to glare at the narrator, whoever it was. "Don't give me that crap."
The stranger popped up at that moment. "CAPPUCCINO!" he screamed and Lucius jumped only to bounce because he was still tied to the rafters.
Achmed popped up out of nowhere before turning to look at Lucius; he was a skeleton puppet that seemed to be speaking, talking, acting and walking on his own. "Which one of my forty-two wives are you?" he asked before disappearing and leaving Lucius staring at him jaw sitting on the floor.
Snape and Revan were rolling on the floor tears of mirth streaming from their eyes.
Blaze: Jeff Dunham is hilarious even if some, heck most, of his jokes are very adult
Darth: yes, yes he is
Blaze: there are two quotes in this story that I want to see if anyone can find. One is from an episode of the Disney Channel show ANT Farm and the other is from Jeff Dunham's Controlled Chaos.
Darth: also, Blaze would love to know what your favorite quote from up to this chapter is
Blaze: please review and I will post chapter 9 as soon as I possibly can but I doubt it'll be anytime soon
