(a/n) If you guys like reading this story half as much as I like writing it, then we're in good shape here. Let me know what you guys think.
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I tried to sleep, I really did. I made a valiant effort.
I couldn't.
I made myself a lunch that I didn't eat, and then I cleaned the kitchen. Washing the dishes in scalding water until my hands turned bright red. Then I bit off every single one of my fingernails.
You could say I was a mess. In fact, I do say that: I was a mess. A nervous, twitching mess.
So I lied down on the floor and covered my face with a down pillow, trying to relax my body enough to find a little peace. Everytime my eyelids met, though, I was pulled back days in time, watching Spencer's eyes flutter closed. Those gunshots. The sickening puddle of blood, Spencer's blood.
The front door opened.
My eyes snapped open. Crap. I didn't remove the pillow from my face.
I heard someone I assumed was Kyla tiptoe around me, gingerly taking away the pillow and peering down at me.
"Damn." She says. "Thought you were sleeping."
"As if I'd be so lucky." I grumble, pulling myself up into a sitting position.
She takes a look at my glowering face. "You look awful."
"Thanks."
She sighs, tossing the pillow and sitting down next to me. "Have you eaten?"
I shake my head to confirm the negative, and she reaches over and rubs her hand over my shoulders. "You're really tense."
"Gee, I wonder why." I snap, rubbing at my eyes.
"Ashley..."
"I'm sorry, okay." I lose my patience. "I realize I'm no fun to be around. I haven't eaten in longer than I haven't slept, and I'm jumpy, and crabby, and..."
"Your usual loveable self?" Kyla interjects.
"Basically." I bark out a laugh. "I'm just...man." I press my hands against my temple, closing my eyes. "I think Spencer broke up with me."
"You think?"
"I don't really know. I was kind of crushed, I didn't ask her for details." I lean my head back, staring blankly at the ceiling.
"I just think she's trying to concentrate on getting better right now." Kyla says carefully.
"Yeah. That's what's important. That's most important." I concede, and it's the truth.
We're silent for a minute, and then Kyla speaks up. "I went to see her."
I wait for her to go on.
"We talked about you."
"What'd she say?" I snap my head to look at her, probably sounding a bit too interested.
Kyla looks amused, then softens. "A lot."
"Was she feeling better? Did she look - did she look better?"
"She's fine." Kyla assured me. I let out a breath. "She told me you two were on a break."
"That's what she said?"
Kyla nods.
"What does that mean? A break. What does that mean?" I sound a little frantic, I'm sure. I bite my tongue.
"She said at first she was hurt, about the whole...Aiden thing." Kyla's voice trails off, and I can tell it's a sore subject for her. I make a mental note to be nicer to my sister - she's a victim in this whole thing, too. "But she told me that the reason for the, uh, break was...well..."
"Spit it out, Ky."
"She feels bad."
My eyes bug out. "What?"
"She feels bad that she got shot, and she thinks you shouldn't have to deal with all her issues right now." Kyla hesitates before going on, knowing I'm hanging on her every word. "After Dad, she feels like you don't deserve this. She feels bad."
I feel awful, almost immediately. Shame makes my stomach drop. "She said all that?" My voice is hushed.
"Then she told me she believed in you." Kyla says firmly, nodding at me. "She told me that she knew you would come through for her."
"She said that?" I repeat, breathless.
Kyla nods. "It was so sweet, Ash." She tilts her head to the side, recalling the memory. "Her exact words were, 'I'm banking on her.'"
I swallow the lump in my throat. "She's banking on me." Realization dawns on me. "She's banking...on me."
"Yeah."
I pull Kyla into a tight hug, squeezing the breath out of her. Then I release her just as quickly. "I gotta go. I gotta go to the, uh..."
"I know." Kyla finishes for me. "Don't speed."
I run up the stairs in a daze, getting something I know I'll need for later. Clutching it in my hand, I sprint downstairs and to my car, thinking of Kyla's words. "Don't speed."
But I do.
I speed all the way there, park like an idiot, and jog to Spencer's room. The ladies at the desk give me a strange look, but I ignore them.
When I get outside her door, I peek in and find it empty. Except for Spencer, sleeping soundly on the bed. I step inside, taking a look at the room around me.
The tables are overflowing with flowers, sent in from...whoever. Cards are stacked around the room, balloons, teddy bears. This girl, without a doubt, is loved. And I can't blame any of them.
I walk quietly to her bedside, not waking her, and gaze down at her face. "You looked so beautiful at prom." I say wistfully. "I'm so sorry all that happened, but if it gives me a second chance to prove myself to you, then I'll take it."
I get a little choked up, so I take a deep breath, continuing softly. "I love you so much, Spence. I've never felt something like it before, but I like it. It gives me...I don't know...you're the first thing I think about when I wake up, and if that makes me crazy, then I guess I'm certifiably insane." I laugh a little.
I reach down and touch her face delicately, as if she might break. "And I'll be here for you. Always, so you don't have to doubt me."
I know she won't. I pray she won't.
"I brought you something." I say, almost forgetting. I bring the tiny bear out, a bandage still fixed to it's head. "Remember him? Well, he seemed to do the trick last time, so..." I set him next to her, nustling him in between her arm and the blanket. "He'll keep you safe when I'm not here."
She stirs a little in her sleep, and I wait for her to wake up, but she doesn't. So I sit down in the chair, settle myself, and close my eyes.
I'm asleep before I know it.
