Disclaimer: If Glee were mine it would be on HBO, where nudity is allowed and Brittana would have been on since Season 1, hot and steamy. But it's not.

Author's Note: HAIL JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH I HAVE INTERNET! So I have had a few technical difficulties regarding my internet connection and indoor wiring for the past two weeks, and I apologize so damn much for the late update. Excuses aside...

I think I might add a few Faberry one-shots in here somewhere. Been trying to incorporate more of the Glee members who I like but are being neglected in the show. Like Mike, Becky, or Coach Beiste. Ah well, we'll see. A bit of Brittana here, and some Faberry. Enjoy. And thanks for all your humbling reviews, love the replies! Keep inspiring me!

Baby Blues (And How Quinn Fabray Became Quinn Fa-GAY)

Brittany Lopez thought squeezing a baby out of her lady parts was hard; raising one was pretty hard too (which was saying something, because passing a bowling ball through your butthole looked like it hurt less). But Alejandro Josef Pierce Lopez was one of the best things to happen to her, next to Santana.

Her son was pretty awesome (she'd known this since the day they found out she was pregnant; now he was 6 months and even more awesome), and he was proving to be the handful Santana probably was when she was younger. Not that Ale was a fussy baby, but he was stubborn when he wanted to be, just like his Mami. Like when she was breastfeeding him (and ow, it really hurt the first couple weeks after he was born) and he'd stay at her boob for a full 45 minutes before he was satisfied. Sometimes she had to switch to the other one or else he'd still be hungry. And that was just one feeding. Mami Lopez said Santana was like that too, and they both didn't know where that appetite came from. It was a conud... canond... confusing.

Ale looked more like Santana every day, but Brittany hoped he would pick up her good habits and not the bad ones. Like taking out the trash sometimes. Or forgetting to feed Lord Tubbington. Or kicking Lord Tubbington for looking up her skirt. Or shoving Lord Tubbington through the cat door when he got stuck there trying to go outside. Brittany was getting the feeling that Santana didn't like her cat very much. If it weren't for the fact that baby Alejandro loved to use Lord Tubbington as a pillow – or, well, a bed, really – and the fat thing let him, her wife probably would have banished him to the basement permanently. Also, Charity had a really obvious crush on her wife. It would be totally cute if Charity hadn't gotten back to sneakily reading her diary.

Today was one of those rare lazy days where Santana was at home and Brittany made sure to hide her phone so the company wouldn't interrupt their family time (family time was super important!). Santana had tired her out the night before (one of those nights when Ale hadn't interrupted their sexytimes and they took full advantage), so she slept in while her dark-haired wife got up to take care of the baby. Brittany found her sitting in her boxers and a tank top in front of the computer, Alejandro balanced in one arm facing the screen as they Skyped to Brittany's parents. Brittany felt her heart melt as soon as she laid eyes on her babies. There really was nothing more adorable and sexy than a hot woman with a baby. Especially when that baby was yours. And hers. Brittany swore she could feel her ovaries quiver before reminding herself that Alejandro was only 6 months; they had plenty of time for more kids.

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Quinn Fabray-Berry had not always been a patient woman. Over the years, however, Quinn had mastered the art of patience, because you had to do it and do it quick when you married someone like Rachel Berry. If someone had told her in high school that she'd be marrying the loud-mouthed, freakishly short, annoyingly verbose Glee midget with the diva-tude, she would have punched them in the ovaries (...wait, that actually happened during their 10-year high school reunion when Melanie Hinch scoffed as she and Rachel introduced themselves; Sue had taught her well).

Back then it had come as a shock to her too. Quinn Fabray was born into a bible-toting, NRA registered, misogynistic, WASP-conservative family so Republican they were almost KKK (except for cousin Ernie, who smoked weed in college and became a Democrat, forever shunned from the Fabray line). That was just the males in the Fabray line though, she'd have to admit. Her mother's family was pretty cool, sporadically Democratic, and sometimes atheist; Judy Fabray was the black sheep who went crazy for the Jesus-loving bible-thumper in junior college, only to end up with the reeeeaaalll short end of the stick. Quinn's sister Frannie wasn't like her, cool and wild and hippie once she left the Fabray home, leaving Quinn with an overbearing, controlling father and mother with a brain pickling in moonshine. The blonde still kept in contact with Frannie, though, who was currently roamed South America with her tree-hugging friends and lived in a teepee.

So to say that high school Quinn Fabray was a pressed lemon was an understatement. She had been so deep in denial that Egypt might as well have reconsidered renaming their river the Quinn. That all changed one fine afternoon after Cheerios practice when she was feeling particularly fat and unspectacular (Sue had screamed into the megaphone that this routine was not hard, and if they'd ever had to take out Osama bin Laden with only a dart gun and a pair of g-string underwear, then it would be hard). Santana Lopez, co-captain of the Cheerios, found her sniffling in the locker room alone, which naturally turned into a sniping contest/yelling match. Then something snapped, and somehow, during the middle of her calling Santana a he-she slut and Santana reaching out to beat the crap out of her, they started ripping at each other's clothes. Ten minutes later and Quinn was pressed face first into the lockers, skirt flipped up and underwear down to her knees as Santana Lopez pumped her thick erection balls-deep into her from behind.

In hindsight, angry sex wasn't the most romantic way to lose one's virginity. But that orgasm had been amazing, and at least Santana had known to pull out before she came (they had gotten lucky). When they finished neither of them said anything, just fixed themselves up and stared at each other for a good 5 minutes before Santana walked out of the locker room. They were at it again two days later in the janitor's closet before lunch. Quinn stayed with Finn Hudson, resident football captain, quarterback, oblivious virgin, and all-around idiot, who never caught on to the fact that his girlfriend was getting the fucking of her life almost every day by her co-captain. Not even when Puck had caught Santana going down on her under the bleachers after the final football game of the season (which they had lost miserably). Turned out he was there waiting for a booty call (really, no surprise to anyone), but he knew to keep his mouth shut when Mrs. Kroske, the English teacher's wife, popped up next to him in a short mini skirt and no underwear. There was a tacit agreement made that day, but it didn't keep Puck from making lewd comments whenever no one else was around. Nor did it keep Santana from kicking him in the nuts when he did (which she knew from experience hurt like no motherfucking other).

The unspoken sexual agreements between Santana and Quinn kept up until junior year, when Quinn's period was late one month and she almost took a hunting knife to Santana's balls. The Latina drove to Columbus – they'd get caught otherwise in a small town like Lima – and they almost cleaned out the Walgreens of its pregnancy tests. A gallon of Sunny-D and pee sticks later, Quinn was officially not pregnant. While immensely relieved and, even though they had always used contraception, the two decided to end their sexual arrangements. Besides, Santana had wryly noted that Quinn was totally into the Glee midget (honestly, screaming out the hobbit's name during sex, while disturbing and gross, was so not subtle).

So Quinn Fabray went after Rachel Berry like a lioness after a gazelle. The girl was irritating most of the time to almost everyone in a one mile radius, but for some reason it was endearing to the blonde. For all her loud-mouthed diva-ness, Rachel Berry was talented, confident in her dreams, and had a big heart (barring the one incident where she sent Sunshine Corazon to an abandoned crackhouse, but Quinn promised never to mention that if she ever wanted sex again). The bad news was, Rachel Berry had been into Finn Hudson, and since Quinn had broken up with him right after the pregnancy scare with Santana, he was free game.

The good news came when it turned out that Rachel Berry had only dated the boy for a good three weeks before they broke up, because even his grudgingly talented singing voice couldn't outweigh the fact that he was an oafish, bumbling buffoon. That and she had promised Santana a free dinner at Breadstix if the Latina sabotaged their first date. She delivered.

All Quinn had to do now was make her move.