As If We Had A Choice

By: Sarah Carey

Summary: Liza is faced with a lot of decisions, and she struggles with making the right one. Bianca celebrates her birthday and is waiting with bated breath for Liza to show up. Charles discovers some shocking information about Liza that puts all the pieces together, before his heart falls back apart. Can his love for her trump the betrayal he feels?

Disclaimer: I do NOT own younger – or ANY of the characters. The storyline, however, is my own.

Credit: Goes to, The Script – I'm Yours. It was used in a chapter title and a nod was given to it at the end of Liza's letter.

Chapter Eight: "And Though I May Not Look Like Much, I'm Yours."

Liza's body thrashed violently with agitation as she opened her eyes once again to darkness. The red numbers reflected from the ceiling read 3:03a.m. and she kicked her limbs out at the sight of it rolling over. She had been waking up every hour, on the hour, and she couldn't bargain with her mind to sleep. The clock ticked, and she sighed exaggeratedly, wondering how she was ever going to figure it all out.

What was the right thing to do? Should she take the job at Empirical? Should she go to the birthday party? Should she tell Charles the truth? What if he couldn't ever forgive her? Maybe Jay was right all along, and it was better for her to just disappear into the sunset. But she couldn't do that, fate merging their companies now, just as they had merged their timing that snowy night so long ago.

Regardless, she had tried to stay away completely, but she missed the girls too much; she had missed him too much.

Besides where else would she work? The odds of her being able to get another job, while far higher than before, were still not great. Her age, hiatus, and short resume provided a lack of concrete information for her to leverage. Maybe she could consider going into bartending? Or maybe she would just take Josh up on his offer to become a receptionist at his tattoo shop? She had plenty of practice answering phones, and she already knew, her and Josh worked well together.

Finally deciding the only decision worse than telling Charles the truth, was not telling him, she jumped out of bed and started digging. The large antique trunk in the corner of her bedroom housed the last few pieces of evidence of her past life. The longer she played the role of a twenty-six-year-old assistant, the more it felt real. Short of her pictures of Caitlin around the room, there was no trace besides her crows' feet of her 41-year-old life.

After tossing various things behind her haphazardly on the floor, she found the thing she was looking for. Brushing the dust off with her sleeve, she opened the tiny 5x7 flip book of photographs. They were the one's friends had saved from her and David's wedding. The large album she had originally, was thrown out in a fit of rage when she found him cheating.

She opened the plastic cover and removed the one that showed her and David from a distance, standing at the altar. Donned in her white dress he looked every bit the gentleman in his black tuxedo. Shaking her head, she placed it gently on the bed and continued digging through the trunk. She had been so happy than, so young and native.

Next, she came across the paper copy of her diploma from Dartmouth, and after scanning twice she was relieved to find it did list her graduation year. Perhaps her dual degree, one in English Literature, and one in, philosophy would impress him? It's not an interview, she laughed ironically at herself.

Underneath the diploma laid a picture of her in her first tutu as a little girl, and she smirked grabbing that to add to the pile. She looked through the small box that had somehow housed the last twenty years of her life and she partially felt sorry for herself. While she would never regret having Caitlin, so much of her life had just slipped by. She grabbed her discharge papers from the hospital dated back years ago. It stated her follow up appointments and care after the accident that ended her dancing career.

The only thing missing was the one thing she held closest to her heart. Closing the trunk, she reached towards her end table, and turned the picture over. It took her a minute to unclip the tiny plastic hinges that held the backside of the frame together. But when she did, she slid out the picture of Caitlin.

She was in India, smiling with the family that was housing her. She reached around her room throwing in, one of her mini lavender shampoo bottles she had hoarded in a basket, and her worn and heavily read copy of Faulkner's, As I Lay Dying.

The last thing she added, after her breathe right strips, was a black plastic coffee lid.

After climbing to her feet, she reached above her bookshelf and grabbed the open carboard box that she had saved from a delivery last week. Convenient, she thought as she carefully placed her things in it. She decided to put the least shocking things on the top, and the more shocking ones on the bottom. She started with Caitlin's picture, knowing he would find it last. Wish your mom luck, she sighed.

When she was satisfied with how it was arranged, she climbed back into her bed, and pulled over her laptop.

Charles, she began.

{CHARLES}

He'd been decorating the purple sprinkle covered horse cake for two hours and was positive it could not have looked less like a horse if he tried. After swiping the icing off, smoothing it back on, and redrawing the nose about ten times he started running out of icing. Last chance, he mumbled as his hands mimicked the outline of the snout in the horse picture next to him. At least it hadn't turned into a circle as the last few he drew did. Praying that it would be good enough, he sighed taking the cake and placing it on top of the refrigerator.

All Bianca had spoken of last night was how excited she was to have Liza come over. Which would've been fine if he had heard anything from Liza about whether or not she was coming. The only thing he could offer to B was that Liza was going to try. But honestly, he didn't even know if that was true. He was thankful that she had at least dropped the gift off. Her bedazzled, purple wrapped box helped to enlarge the small pile of gifts he had gotten her.

He had invited Eileen and her husband John to the party, but he doubted they would come. They almost never came to birthdays, but they always sent gifts. They had decided against having children very early in their marriage and it seemed to be a decision they were set on. If he needed, they would always take the girls. But- they seemed just as happy when it came time to bring them back.

He also left word with Jay that he could come by if he wanted too. Jay was the girls godfather, but he spent so much time away these past two years. Even when he came back around again, they'd often forget who he was. Of course, he would spoil them with presents, money, and jewelry to make up for the lost time, immediately winning back their affections. Jay had told him that it was his first official date with his own editor Kelsey Peters.

Honestly Charles was thrilled. The two companies would be merging soon so they would be able to spend more time together. Plus, with Jay being demoted to head of editorial, and Kelsey the head of Millennial, they wouldn't be breaking any rules. He knew that Kelsey would be good for his friend. Rather than the airheaded pretty girls he normally chased, he knew Kelsey, though of course beautiful, was brilliant. She also would force Jay to get out more again, as he tended to become a hermit when he wasn't dating.

But for that reason, he wasn't sure that Jay would be making an appearance. He offered that he could mention it to Kelsey, and they may be able to drop by. But Charles knew he wasn't going to make any promises, and honestly, he didn't blame him. During the last drink the two of them had shared together, Jay let the flood gates open. His unrequited love for Kelsey came pouring out faster than the bar tender could pour the shots.

However, it was likely that if Liza didn't show up, then no one would come to Bianca's party. It was also likely that if Liza showed up, she would be the only other guest and he worried if that would make her feel uncomfortable.

"Daddy!" Bianca chimed, running in with a wrapped present in her hand. "I think this one, is a hatchimal!" she exclaimed shaking the present roughly. To his astonishment she was correct, but he wasn't going to ruin the surprise.

"It looks a little too big for one of those, doesn't it?" he offered, and smiled at how easily thrown off track she was.

"Oh right!" she agreed, running back towards the presents.

Nicole came into the room, entering as she left, and whispered to him conspiratorially.

"You did deliver the invitation, right?" she half accused, placing her hand on her hip. He had to laugh and regretted it instantly. "Dad!" she whined, "This is serious!"

"I promise, with my whole heart, that I invited her. It will just depend if-" he was explaining as they heard a knock on the door. He dropped his hands, almost tripping over his two daughters as they raced to beat him to the door. "Calm down, Calm down," he ushered, placing his hand on their shoulder. But when he opened the door his heart dropped a little.

"Chuck!" Jay greeted, hidden. Kelsey was clutching on his arm while he held a box that blocked his face.

"I hope it's all right that I came Charles, I didn't know if this was crossing a line or anything?" Kelsey offered politely. It was a nice consideration as she did still work for him, and he hadn't invited her personally. But when he thought about it, he wished he had. She had proven to be a good friend over the last two years.

"I think we're past lines between us," he laughed reaching to grab her coat. "These are my daughters, Nicole and Bianca," he suggested as he walked away to hang her coat. "Thanks for coming" he whispered to Jay, as took the box from him.

"And which one of you lovely ladies is the birthday girl?" Kelsey chimed, seeing Bianca blush.

"Kelsey is Liza's best friend," Charles added, knowing it would immediately gain her their favor. It worked because they immediately rushed to her side, taking her hands and walking her into the living room. But he cursed himself for bringing up her name. What if she really didn't come?

About a half an hour into the party Kelsey realized Charles had been quiet. While she wasn't sure of the dynamic between him and Jay yet, she knew he wasn't even this quiet at work. But when she saw Charles look back towards the door they had just come through, she had a sneaking suspicion what was on his mind. She had noticed Liza wasn't here yet, and she quickly reached out her phone to text her.

"I think it's time we get going, we don't' want to miss our reservations!" Jay announced, beaming with excitement. As he bid his goodbye to the girls, slipping each of them what appeared to be twenties, Kelsey took her chance to approach Charles.

"Hey, thanks for having me," she offered when he stood up to shake her hand. But she pulled him in for a quick hug, and whispered, 'Don't worry, she'll be here'.

When she pulled back, she smiled at him. He looked at her, for it took a minute for it to sink in, but when it did, he smiled back lightly.

'It's just so late', he whispered clearly anxious, and she nodded agree,

'She's coming, don't worry'. She encouraged, grapping his arm for support before turning to follow Jay out.

{LIZA}

She could not believe that after being awake, literally against her will for the entire night, that she had over slept. After getting the entire package together she typed up a note for Charles explaining everything. Then knowing Maggie would be home this week she straightened up the apartment. She was so exhausted by late morning she vowed to close her eyes for just a minute. But by the time she woke up, she was already a half an hour late.

Thank god Kelsey had texted her, and the phone literally was in her hand as she nodded off. The sound shocked her back to reality and she rushed, grabbing the package and the other small thing she had for the girls before heading out the door. She didn't bother trying to take a taxi, knowing the traffic on a Saturday around lunch would be brutal. Instead she ran down the subway, knowing with the trains she had to change that she'd be almost an hour and a half late.

When she reached into her purse to grab her phone, she realized she didn't have it. She must have left in on the sofa where she threw it after she texted Kelsey back. She had been in such a rush, and now she couldn't even text Charles to let him know she was coming. Knowing there was nothing else she could do but wait, she reached into her pocket to retrieve the small golden locket.

It was just like the one she had gotten for Caitlin when she was a little girl. She had a matching bracelet for Nicole. The bracelet and necklace were both gold, with a small locket that hung off each of them. Inside they had matching scriptures that said,

you are my light, you are my life.

She had asked Caitlin if she could regift them, and she agreed. If her mom was going to be serious about Charles, she was going to have to be all in. Caitlin had said, if he was able to forgive her, she couldn't wait to meet him. But Liza wasn't as positive at Caitlin was. What if, he couldn't forgive her? It's why Liza decided now was the time to give them the gifts. At least they would always have a piece of her.

When the last subway she had transferred to came to a stop, she got off slowly. The adrenaline from before gave way and her anxiety was getting the best of her. Left, right, left, right, she encouraged willing her feet to walk on. If she could convince him to wait until she left, then there would be nothing to fear. Finally, she approached the buzzer.

"You came!" he breathed, holding the buzzer open.

When he opened the door, he laughed shaking his head.

"You know you already got her a gift, it's here actually?" he teased, staring curiously at the unwrapped box in her hands.

"This, is, for, you," she said clearly but dragging each word out. She didn't move her hands when he reached out to touch it, and he dropped his chuckling.

"You sure?" he laughed, and she smirked. "Can you just wait to open it until Bianca's party is over?"

His smile faded and he nodded, "Sure, is there something I should know or"

"It's the truth," she offered, letting him take the box. "Everything, all of it. And if you don't ever want to talk to me again after, well, I'll understand."

"Lyzzaa!" Bianca screamed, running full force towards her. Liza bent down to catch her but not fast enough. When she finally connected, Liza lost her balance, and both fell back on the ground.

"Hey!" Charles started, but stopped when his scolding was over shadowed by their laughter. Soon Nicole followed, and ran into the pile.

"You dropped this," Nicole saw, picking the jewelry up off the ground without climbing off Liza.

Marveling at the scene on the ground Charles looked to see what his oldest daughter held. Liza was sprawled out on the ground entirely feigning defeat, while Bianca laid across her right side, and Nicole sat on her stomach, gripping the jewelry.

"That," Liza offered, using her elbows to sit up partly, "Is a gift for you, each of you," she offered taking them from Liza and separating them.

"Oh but I hate-" Nicole began, and Liza smiled,

"Necklaces, I know, here" she turned Nicole's wrist over, and secured the bracelet. "And for my birthday girl," she added waiting for Bianca to turn around.

When she fastened the necklace on Bianca, the little girl ran to her father.

"Daddy! Look!" she offered, and when reaching for it, she unintentionally opened the locket. "Oh!" she cooed, even more excited, "What does it say?"

"It says," he began putting the box down to pull it closer to his eyes. "You are…", but feeling the tears pool he cleared his throat twice and grabbed the box Liza brought him carrying it away into his study.

"It says, you are my light, you are my life." Liza finished quickly, concerned she may have over stepped her bounds by Charles reaction.

"What does it mean?" Nicole asked, trying to solve the riddle of the words mirrored in her inscription.

"It means, Liza loves you as much as I do," he offered walking back into the room composed.

"It does?!" Bianca remarked.

"It does," Liza finished honestly, looking up to smile at Charles.

The rest of the birthday passed without incident. Charles's suspicions had been right about Eileen and John not arriving, and he explained to Liza how she had missed Kelsey.

"I love that they're dating" Liza added, "But how do you feel about it?"

"I feel, happy that he's finally falling for someone worthy, who won't usehim."

"Agreed," she sighed, pouring each of them a glass of wine. It took her a while, but she finally settled both girls into bed. Bianca had been thrilled with all her presents, especially the locket. Now they were making small talk before she had to leave.

"So, are you ever going to tell me how you know Jay?" Charles asked.

"I think once you go through the box, it'll make things easier," she suggested, motioning towards his study. He stood immediately, walking to the study to retrieve something. But when he came back, she was shocked at what was in his hands. Instead of the box it was the note, on blue construction paper that she had written him one morning.

"This Liza," he began, shaking his head, "Is this the real you?" he asked, holding the note up to her. "Tonight, the lockets?" he added.

"Yes," she answered honestly.

"Then I don't care about the rest," he added throwing the note down as he walked up to her, sliding his hand across her cheek, and pulling her in for a kiss. She let her lips dance across his for a few seconds longer than she should've, before she pulled back.

"I'm not twenty-six" she offered, causing his hand to still on her cheek as he looked into her eyes. "And if you can't start to wrap your head around that, the rest is going to be, too much."

"What-" he began, but stopped at the sound of keys slamming down on the end table. Only one person had a key he realized, and he tensed fearing the inevitable. When he let his hand drop from her cheek, he pulled back from her embrace dumbfounded from his revelation.

"Darling, aren't you going to welcome me home?" Pauline purred, birthday card in hand.

{CHARLES}

Liza fled the apartment faster than he could bring his mind to wrap about the fact that his wife, ex-wife was home. Why was she here? And why, hadn't he stopped Liza from running out? After fighting for what seemed like hours, he ordered Pauline to sleep on the sofa, and turned in to his bedroom. He would've asked her to leave but he knew that they needed to talk, and he was generally concerned if he had told her to go that he would never see her again.

Sighing he paced back and forth in his study. He had tried to find sleep and it seemed inevitable. Deciding it wasn't going to come anytime soon, he grabbed the box Liza had brought him and went to his bedroom. After locking the door, he opened the box and immediately came across a printed page, signed in her script.

Charles,

Inside of this box is the last twenty years of my life. It holds the things that make up the very essence of who I am. And I can't begin to explain why I lied to you about it all. There were a thousand reasons at the time.

I can't promise you that you'll be able to look at me the same after this. And what's worse is I can't promise that you'll ever forgive me. But what I do know is this,

I wish I was the person you saw dancing that night in the storm. It was you who helped me to find her, after years of searching.

I lost myself for a long time. Sometimes I was just worried my heart wasn't strong enough or that I wasn't enough. But with this heart I have loved, I have laughed, I have danced in the rain and snow,

and I know it may not look like much to gain,

but this heart I have, is yours

Liza

Although he had no idea what to expect, he took a deep breath as he removed her note, exposing the contents of the box.

And slowly but surely, he began to unwrap the history, the life of Liza Miller.