AUTHORS NOTE:
Omg, omg, omg! 69 reviews! I am so totally excited/happy/amazed! Thank you all so so sooooooooooo much! And this time you actually voted for someone I think should go off! I LUV U ALL! Sort of!
Reality TV: Lower Elements Style
Police Plaza, Auditorium Stage
"Hello Haven and welcome to another episode of Reality TV: Lower Elements Style! I am your host, Don Eferk, and these are your contestants!"
That was the cue for the five remaining contestants to stand up. So they did. Artemis looked out over the audience, wondering what horrors would be impounded upon them this time. Of course, there was always the chance he would be voted out but, without seeming to egotistical, he doubted this would happen, considering all the signs in the audience that said things like 'We Luv Arty!' and 'Arty is HOT!'. Artemis shuddered. This was DISTURBING.
"Aaaaaand, voted off today is……………………. BUTLER!"
Artemis was shocked. And Holly could tell.
"Whassamatter, Mud Boy?" She punched him on the shoulder. "Never been without your bodyguard before?"
Artemis scowled. "For your information, Captain, I have been separated from him before."
Holly smirked in a VERY annoying way. "When? Apart from the times you've been in fairy company."
Artemis thought. And thought. He had never been apart from Butler for more than a few days – even at boarding school Butler had camped out in the garden. He looked at Butler. Butler looked back.
"Goodbye, Artemis. I trust that the fairy people will keep you safe until I next see you."
Artemis scowled again. He doubted this very much. "Farewell, old friend."
"Excuse me!" Called Don Eferk. "We are on a TIME LIMIT here! Butler, come up and receive your consolation prize."
Butler stepped up and took the home gym package from the arms of three grunting security trolls and, after a last look at Artemis and the three fairies he would be entrusting Artemis's safety to, strolled out of the room. But he would be back, he was sure of it.
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"Remaining contestants, the next part of the competition is entitled 'The Simple Life'. It will involve you being dropped off in some busy city somewhere above ground and, without any money, finding your way back here. Just in case you alert Mud People to the existence of the people, you will be followed by a LEP van fitted with mind wiping technology. We can't risk starting an interspecies war, just for the sake of a reality TV show!"
Artemis snorted. He had his doubts about exactly how much Don Eferk cared about preserving the fairy culture versus how much money the host was receiving per episode of this show.
"So, extremely soon, you will be knocked out, taken above ground and re-awakened to start your journey." Don Eferk paused to pose, cheesily, for the camera. "Security, time to knock and roll. Get it? KNOCK and roll!"
No one laughed. Briefly, Artemis wondered exactly how legal this was. The trolls hit the contestants on the head and dragged them out. The next task was going to be very interesting indeed.
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They woke up in a dark alleyway. Not the most comfortable of places.
"Where the hell are we?" Commander Root was the first to ask what the others were thinking.
"I don't know." Holly turned to Artemis. "Any ideas, genius?"
Foaly pouted. "Hey, I'm a genius too! In fact, I'm even more of a genius than that Mud Boy!"
"However, in the maturity stakes, you come a close last." Holly smirked.
Foaly's protests were drowned out by Artemis's reply to the commanders question.
"Well, you heard the host of the show. We have been abandoned here, in this city, and we must find our way back underground with out any money."
"Easy. We walk. They call this reality TV? I'm sure a lot of viewers will be interested in watching us walk. And walk. And walk…"
"Brilliant suggestion, Holly. However, as you are probably well aware, human cities are not the best places to walk in. Especially if two of your companions have pointed ears and green skin and the other one has four legs, two arms and a tail."
"What are we supposed to do, then?"
The alley was quiet for a moment. So quiet you could almost hear their brains working. Finally, Holly came up with an idea that did not involve ridiculous amounts of wire and cable. "Let's hitchhike!"
(AN: Do not try this at home. Do not ever try this out of your home)
"Yeah, that'd work. Excuse me, Mr Primative Mud Man Transportational Device Driver, can you please take me, my pointy eared friends and this human in your car to underground? I'd be surprised if we don't get arrested and put in some freak show."
"Got a better idea, Foaly?"
Foaly considered it. "Yes, I already told you. We break into an internet café, steal five computers, I take them apart while you go to the computer store and buy five metres of cable, seven metres of wire-"
"We are not doing anything that will take over two weeks!"
"How do you know that hitchhiking will take less than two weeks?"
"I don't! But it's better than-"
Commander Root found his voice. "SHUT UP, YOU TWO! WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PROFESSIONAL, ADULT, MATURE POLICE OFFICERS!" He glanced at Artemis, who was smirking in a most annoying way. "STOP SMIRKING, MUD BOY!"
This only made Artemis smirk more. Foaly glanced at the commander. "Got a better idea, Julius?"
"DON'T CALL ME JULIUS, PONY!"
Artemis looked further down the alleyway. "Commander, I think you are attracting attention."
Holly followed his glance. "I think Artemis is right."
A few passers by were huddled around the entrance to the alleyway, looking anxious. Thankfully, it was dark enough that they couldn't tell exactly who was in the alley.
"Okay, split second decision. Let's hitchhike." The commander couldn't believe he'd gone along with the plan. "And if this thing goes wrong, it is NOT my fault."
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They had decided that, as the most socially acceptable looking of the whole group, Artemis would go to find transport. It was probably the most embarrassing experience of his whole life, standing on the side of the road, amongst chip packets and cigarette butts, in his Armani suit and loafers, with his thumb stuck out at the cars. Finally, a taxi came. Artemis hesitated. They didn't have money to pay the driver. But, he supposed, they could always give him one of Artemis's bank account numbers. Preferably the one where Artemis kept his spare change. So he accepted the ride. The plan was that Artemis would get in the front with the driver, distract him as Holly, Root and Foaly got on, and off they were.
"You wanna ride?" Asked the driver, narrowing his eyes.
"No, I have just stuck out my thumb and pulled you over for no reason. Of course I want a ride."
"Fine, kid, fine. Youse can just hop in here, show me your money and off we go." He looked suspiciously at Artemis, who was signaling to Holly. "And if youse is drunk than I don't want no mess in my car."
"Huh?" Asked Artemis as Holly, Root and Foaly hid behind the vehicle. "Oh, no of course I'm not drunk. I am thirteen years old."
The driver snorted. "If I had a dollar for every time I heard that..."
"D'Arvit!" Root yelled. Artemis supposed he'd just got his fingers stuck under the handle of the door. The driver was looking suspiciously at him. "Didja hear anything?"
"No." Artemis said. The driver was still looking at him strangly. "Well, whatcha waiting for? Get in."
Artemis sneaked a look behind him. Foaly's tail was still poking out of the door. It seemed like there wasn't enough room. He did a few quick calculations. Yes, Foaly would fit if Holly sat on the floor. He could only hope that Foaly figured this out.
"Yes. Just let me see if I have dropped my money." Not the best of lies, Artemis scolded himself. He dropped to his knees on the street and made to search for money. He grimaced as the mud soaked into the knees of his suit. The back door of the taxi shut.
"What the hell was that?" Asked the driver, turning in his seat. Root and Foaly ducked their heads. The driver turned back. Artemis stood, smiling innocently at him.
"Just get in, willya?"
Artemis stepped into the taxi. He had a long ride ahead of him.
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As they drove, the driver attempted to make conversation. "So, why ya comin into the city?"
"I'm meeting my parents." At least that was plausible. Artemis took the opportunity to ask a question. "Where are we, anyway?"
"New York." The driver turned to face him. "Hey! How come youse don't know what city youse are meeting your parents in?"
"No, of course I know. I just wanted to check you knew."
"Of course I know. I the driver of this taxi." He took a hand off the wheel to scratch at a pimple. Artemis looked away. Disgusting. He heard Holly's whisper. "Artemis. Ask him whether we're going into the city or out of it."
"So, are we going into the city or away from the city?"
"We's are in the city. We's are going more into it." The driver swerved to avoid a collision. "Hey! Howsa comes youse don't know where we are?"
Artemis heard Foaly giggle in the backseat. Then he heard a thump. It sounded like Root had punched Foaly's jaw.
"Was that youse giggling?"
Artemis thought fast. "Yes."
"What are youse giggling about?"
"Nothing."
The driver turned to face him. "Listen, youse, I don't want no smart comments. Youse either tell me what's so funny, or youse get out of my cab after paying!"
"I told you, nothing is funny." Artemis sounded a touch patronizing.
"THAT IS IT! Youse is
getting out of my cab!" The driver held his hand out. "Pay
up!"
Artemis felt his pockets. "I could give you my bank
account number…."
"NO!" Roared the driver. He'd had enough. "Give me money!"
"I don't have any on me but…."
"Fine, fine. I knew youse was a good for nothing kid anyhow. Just give me something worth money. I like your shoes. Is they expensive?"
"Yes, but…."
"GIVE THEM TO ME!"
The driver had a dangerous glint in his eye. In the backseat Foaly giggled again. Root hit him again. Artemis handed over the shoes.
"GET OUT!" The driver opened his door, pushed Artemis out into the muddy street and drove off. With the fairies still in the taxi. Uh oh.
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"Hello, ma'am, sir, master, miss." The taxi driver greeted his next passangers.
"Beatrice, Nancy, Brett. Hop in the back." The father of the family said to his wife, son and daughter. They hopped in the back.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIII!" Screamed Nancy, Beatrice and Foaly. Holly stood up. "Bye!" She yelled. She wrenched open the other door, shoved Foaly through and followed Commander Root out. Behind them, they could just make out the LEP truck coming to wipe the human's memories. But where was Artemis?
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At that point in time, Artemis was standing in a gutter, explaining to an old lady that he was NOT an orphan, but the highly successful heir to the Fowl Empire. No matter how much he talked, she didn't believe him. He was just about to make a run for it when his attention was distracted by a very strange sight. Two short creatures with buckets on their heads escorting a four legged creature with a garbage bag over his head.
"Over here, Artemis!" Yelled Holly, her voice muffled in the bucket.
"I must go now." He told the old lady and walked off.
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Foaly was annoyed. Who wouldn't be? He had a garbage bag over his head, for one thing. And more than five little kids had pointed him out to their mothers, saying things like: "Look, it's a cute pony! Can I go pet it?" It didn't help matters that Commander Root snickered into his ear every few seconds or Holly had explained to the little kids that the reason he had a garbage bag over his head was because he was chronically shy. And the fact this was going to be broadcast on TV. He wondered what he should change his name too. He'd always thought Francis had a nice ring to it…
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"Hey, commander." Holly addressed the commander more casually than normal.
"Yes, Short."
"Well, just wondering, where are we actually going?"
The commander nodded towards the other two. "Ask one of the geniuses."
"Don't ask me!" Foaly protested. "It's not like I can actually SEE where we're going."
That left Artemis. He could feel the others staring at him. "Well, I don't know. We need to get underground. Where is the nearest shuttle port to New York?"
(AN: I can't remember if there is actually a shuttle port near New York so I'll just make something up)
"The terminal near Stonehenge." Holly answered. "But there's no way we're getting there without using an airplane."
"Who said anything about not using airplanes?" Asked the commander, smiling slightly. Foaly would have groaned, had he not been disguised as a terminally shy horse. This was not going to end well.
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They hitchhiked to the nearest airport, which was an achievement in itself. Not many people were prepared to take in two short people with buckets over their heads, one pony/horse thing with a garbage bag over it's head and a human boy with a suit but no shoes but they managed to find a few people. They stood outside a large building – the airport.
"Mud people are such fools," Foaly complained. "They could have designed some beautiful, earth friendly wings but, no, they have to make huge monstrous machines that pollute the earth. Like I did."
"Now is not the time, Foaly." Artemis rememined them all about the task at hand. "We need to find out about the flights that are leaving for London."
So they entered the airport.
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Commander Root's first impression was of the people. There were HEAPS of people. All the baggage carousels, shops and waiting areas were packed with people. Then he heard all the announcements over the loudspeakers. Then he saw all of the airplanes outside the building. For barely intelligent creatures, humans sure made good airports. Not that the fairies couldn't make better. He was shaken out of his train of thought by Foaly.
"I hate to say this but….."
"Yes, pony, what is it?"
"Do they have toilets here or something?"
"Oh, no. Can't you wait?"
"No." Foaly sounded like a kid in a car on a long trip.
"Mud boy, do they have toilets here?"
Artemis's face displayed a customary smirk. "Yes. See the sign that has a female and male figure on it?"
"Yes."
"The arrow is pointing toward the toilet."
That was all he had to say. Root was off, led by Foaly. Holly watched them go. "I really think they'll find a way to muck this up."
Artemis's smirk widened. "Oh dear."
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The sight of a figure with a bucket over his head leading a pony with a bag over his head attracted a lot of negative attention. What was worse was the line leading to the toilet. In his haste, the commander accidentally went into the wrong bathroom.
"Sorry, sorry!" He called back to the shrieking females.
"Julius?" Foaly asked.
"DON'T CALL ME JULIUS!" Julius yelled. "THIS WHOLE MESS IS YOUR FAULT! COULDN'T YOU WAIT? WHEN WE GET BACK I AM GOING TO RE-THINK THE INDESPENSABLE PART OF YOUR CONTRACT!"
If the sight of the commander leading Foaly around didn't attract attention, the sight of the commander yelling at what they presumed to be a pony attracted even more. A few burly security guards came to take Foaly and Root away. They weren't going to take any chances with what they presumed to be terrorists. The commander and the centaur were taken to a holding cell. Foaly danced around. "Do you have a bathroom in here?" He called.
Meanwhile, Artemis and Holly were having problems of their own.
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"Mummy, why does that girl have a bucket over her head?" A small child asked her mum. Her mum looked sharply at Holly and Artemis and hurried her kid along.
"I feel hurt." Holly said, mock-sad. "Why don't they like us?"
Artemis considered it. "Probably something to do with the fact you have a bucket over your head, I have no shoes and we are standing in the middle of an airport without an adult."
"I'm an adult!"
"I think under the current circumstances it would be best to just pretend you are my delusional sister."
Holly groaned. "Great. So now I'm Artemis Fowl's little sister. And a DELUSIONAL one at that. Just fabulous."
Artemis smirked. "This is also being broadcast live as part of a TV show."
Holly swatted his arm. "The icing on top of a cake." She looked around a bit. "Hey, where's Foaly and Julius? They should be back by now….."
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Foaly and Julius were, at that moment, assuring the security guards that Foaly didn't have a bomb concealed in the plastic bag over his head.
"Yes, this is my pet pony." The commander was explaining. Foaly snorted.
"And why does the pony have a plastic bag over his head?" The security guard asked, in the same tone of voice you used when talking to five-year-olds.
"He is terminally shy. If we took this off, he would go on a crazed rampage and become extremely stressed. The reason the bag is so lumpy is just because he has his…..security hat on."
"I see." The security guard raised an eyebrow. "And how does a young fella like you know a big word like 'terminally'?"
This statement did not make Root very happy. "I'll have you know that I am CENTUARIES older than you."
"I see." The guard spoke into his microphone. "I've got a few freaks here. Yes, a delusional kid and a pony that may or may not be carrying a bomb under the bag on his head. Oh, and the kid says the pony needs to go to the bathroom." He turned to the two accused. "You two can sit here for a while. Is that okay?" He didn't wait for an answer. "Good!"
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Holly was now convinced Root and Foaly were in trouble.
"They don't know a thing about Mud Men! They could have insulted someone! The commander could have blown up at someone because they didn't call him sir!"
Artemis was unconcerned. "They'll be fine. If you're really worried about them, we can just page them over the loudspeaker."
"I am not worried! I just want to get to London before we manage to muck this up too much."
Artemis led her over to a desk. He turned to the attendant. "Good afternoon, ma'am. My companion here (he motioned to Holly) is worried (Holly hit him on the arm. "I am NOT worried!") about the two others we were here with. They went to the men's room and don't seem to be back yet. We were wondering if you could possibly page them over the loudspeaker."
The attendant smiled at him. "Of couse I can, little boy. What are their names?"
"Um, Foaly and Julius." Holly answered.
The attendant's smile never wavered. "Interesting names." She spoke into the microphone, her voice echoing around the room. "Foaly and Julius! Foaly and Julius! Your children are waiting for you at the information desk!"
Holly and Artemis looked at each other. The attendant was going to get a surprise when she saw who turned up to get them.
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Foaly was escorted to a bathroom. Inside the building. "This is sooooo degrading." He complained.
"Shut up!" Root hissed from outside the room. "Just hurry up, will you?"
Foaly was about to answer when they heard the announcement over the loudspeaker. "Foaly and Julius! Foaly and Julius! Your children are waiting for you at the information desk!"
He raised an eyebrow. Not that you could tell under the plastic bag. "We have children now?"
Root was not amused. "No, you idiot. It's Holly and Artemis."
"Hey, I am not an idiot! I am a genius! I have over four times the cranial capacity as beings such as yourself! I-"
"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Root yelled in a stage whisper. He raised his voice so the guard outside could hear. "Excuse me! There seems to be a call for us!"
The guard was skeptical. "You're Foaly and Julius?"
"Yes."
"I see." He spoke into his microphone again. "I have a pony and a kid here who say they're Foaly and Julius."
At the information booth, the attendant looked at Holly and Artemis again. "Kids, can you possibly describe these two people you are paging?"
"Yes." Holly said. "Julius is a centimeter taller than me, he is currently wearing a bucket over his head and he has pointed-"
Artemis cut her off. "- elbows."
Holly frowned at Artemis. "Foaly is wearing a garbage bag over his head and he resembles-"
"- he is a pony." Artemis corrected.
The attendant relayed these descriptions over the radio. She turned to them again. "Can you explain to us why those two are accused of smuggling bombs into the airport?"
Holly looked indignant. Artemis thought it would be better for him to explain. "Those two enjoy playing make-believe games." He attempted an amused laugh. "Too much television."
The attendant spoke into the radio again. She smiled at them. "Julius and Foaly will be released and with you shortly. Until then, would you like a stamp?"
Artemis frowned. "No thank you, ma'am. I believe there is nothing rewarding about stamping coloured ink onto my skin."
The attendant nodded and busied herself cleaning up the desk. She shook her head. Kids these days.
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Finally, the foursome managed to catch a plane. Since they didn't actually have tickets they placed Foaly in the animal part of the plane, Holly mesmerized the flight attendants into giving her, Artemis and Julius first class tickets. Foaly was extremely annoyed he was classified as an animal, however after a few budget threats from Root was on his way. A few hours later they pulled into the airport. Artemis was the first of the foursome out. He waited at the baggage carousel for the others. Finally they were all there.
"Do you know how many dogs don't have ANYTHING intelligent to say?" Complained Foaly, who had spent his time conversing with various animals during the trip. "They make Julius here look like a regular genius."
The commander narrowed his eyes. "The only reason I am not shouting at you right now is the fact it would look odd and you're not actually supposed to be talking anyway. SO SHUT UP!"
The last comment attracted a few odd glances. Root looked both ways. "Let's go." He growled.
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Outside the airport there were heaps of taxis.
"How exactly are we getting to Stonehenge?" Holly enquired.
"How about we buy a ride? Pony for sale?" Root said, only half joking.
"Not funny!" Foaly scowled.
Holly's eyes glinted. "I have an idea. You're not going to like it, but I have an idea."
"Tell me, captain! That's an order!"
"Okay. Well, look at that taxi. There's no one inside, doors wide open…."
Artemis was skeptical. "That is only because the driver is helping the lady with her luggage." He gestured to a man in a taxi drivers uniform (AN: do they even wear uniforms?) helping an old lady with her luggage.
"We'll just have to be quick!" Holly cried, leaping into the taxi. Root and Foaly followed suit. Artemis sighed. He was the youngest one there, yet possibly the most mature. He missed Butler. He could always turn to Butler for a intelligent conversation. Not extremely intelligent, but intelligent nonetheless. He sighed and sat in the vehicle. Holly drove away amid shouts from the taxi driver.
"Hey! My taxi! Give it back, punks!"
But Holly was not the fastest pilot in the Academy for nothing. She sped off.
"Watch out for that tree! A few cars! That bus! Bin! Old lady!" Foaly called. "Police car! Uh oh, the cops are following us!"
"Why?" Root had to ask. "We're better cops than they'll ever be!"
Artemis uncovered his eyes. "Ever heard of a speed limit, Holly?"
Holly grinned. "Might have. Why?"
Artemis gestured to a sign. "You're going way over. The cops are going to tail us, then arrest us. For underage driving, speeding, probably for having a pony in our vehicle too."
Holly frowned. "Okay." She turned to the commander. "Should I just out-run them?"
He nodded. "Go as fast as you want."
She grinned, tightening her hold on the gearstick. "Hold onto your lunch!"
Foaly held onto the garbage bag. There was a gathering of liquid in the bottom of it. "Got it!" He managed to say. And, with the wind in their hair, they sped off.
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They soon arrived at Stonehenge, a few kilometers in front of the police.
"You are one skilled driver, Captain." Artemis congratulated her.
She nodded. "But we'd better get underground ASAP. They'll have caught up soon."
"Can I take this off my head yet?" Asked Foaly, now also carrying two liquid-filled buckets. Artemis shuddered. Disgusting.
"Yes, yes. Take it off." The commander said briskly. He led them up to the hologram. "Get in!"
They did. Artemis found himself inside a terminal not unlike the airport. The commander nodded to a few sprites that were panicking about the human in the terminal. "Do not worry! This human will not harm us!"
"As he has done so many times before." Holly mentioned, looking at Artemis.
He squirmed. "Sorry."
"S'okay." She grinned. "At least you're not egotistical about it. Foaly would be."
They both looked at the centaur who was doing a variation of the moon walk and bragging about their trip to a couple of attentitive females.
"Come on, fairies. And human. We'd better get back to Police Plaza." Said commander Root. And they left.
AUTHORS NOTE:
This started off bad-ish and finished bad-ish but I don't think the middle is too bad-ish. Please review and vote! Next time there will only be three left! And who that is is up to you! Seeya!
