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(Yet! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!)
One Litre of Tears
by: Keiko Fujiwara
Chapter Seven: I Wish I Could Have Done More Things
Date: September 15, 2007
It's now noon and I still haven't told my family about my condition. I don't think I'm ready to. I think I just want them to believe I am perfectly healthy for as long as possible. Unfortunately, Vincent had to leave about nine in the morning because JT needed his help with a project but he promised he'd be back as soon as possible.
So, right now, I am the only one in the house. Dad and Mom went to buy some groceries and Heather is out with friends. Because I am alone in the house, I take this opportunity to call Dr. Marks and let him know of my decision.
So, I pull his card out of my bag and dial his number.
"Dr. Evan Marks speaking." He says as he picks up the phone.
"Hello, Dr. Marks. It's…It's Catherine."
"What can I do for you, Catherine?"
"I thought about the therapy and everything but I've decided I don't want to start just yet."
"Miss Chandler, I don't think you understand the seriousness of your condition."
"I understand perfectly, Doctor. I…I just want my life to continue as normal as possible for the next week or so. I would like to start therapy in two weeks. Besides, I already told my family and my parents agree with me; they want me to have a normal life for a while." I lie.
"Catherine, I think you're making a grave mistake."
"Tell me, Dr. Marks. Would the result be different if I start therapy right away rather than if I start it in a week or so?" I ask in annoyance. He doesn't answer. "I thought so."
"Catherine," he finally says, "This isn't a matter of physical therapy. This is a matter of your life. The sooner you're admitted, the better chance we have of understanding the progress of your disease."
"I've made my decision, Doctor. Please respect it." With that, I hang up on him and decide to run some errands. The good thing about living in New York City is that you don't always need a car to get around. I leave a note for my family to read in case any of them return before I do before I grab my purse and head out.
It's strange…This is the first time I've left my home as a different person. Somehow, I have a feeling that I won't be living on campus next semester. So much for wanting to live the college life.
As I start walking down the sidewalk towards the city, I miss my step and lose my balance for a second. Luckily, I caught myself before I fell forward. Is this it? Is this really what the rest of my life will be like? Walking around in fear because I'll never know if I will fall and hurt myself? I stand up and realize that my old self no longer exists.
I am now an empty shell…My body is no longer mine and all I can do is stay trapped inside my mind as I watch myself deteriorate.
"Cat!" I hear my name being called from behind me. I turn around and see Tiffany, my friend from high school, catching up to me. "Long time no see!"
"Hey…" I fake a smile. "What're you doing here? I thought you went out of state for college."
"Well, that's the plan but I decided to attend a local college until I have my general education finished. I'm still not sure what I want to do yet." She replies and loops her arm around mine. "Where were you headed?"
"Oh…out. Nowhere particularly." I answer.
"Sweetness!" she exclaims. "You're coming with me to the gym then! We're going to shoot some hoops like the good ole days."
"But I'm not dressed for the gym." I say. "I was actually planning on going shopping."
"We can stop by my place first! It's on the way and we're practically the same size!" she grins and I shrug.
"Alright." I say but then I remember about my disease. "You know what? I actually just remembered my cousin's birthday is this coming Thursday. I need to go and buy his gift today because I won't be able to do it any other time."
"Oh…Okay! See you around then?" Tiffany asks and I nod.
"Yeah…" I reply and she jogs off without a notice. Part of me wonders how many true friends I still have from my high school days. Sure, Tiffany is nice and all but I feel like she's forcing herself to be friendly with me…Especially after what happened to Sally.
Just as I turn back around towards the city, I decide to take a random walk in Central Park. Shopping can wait. Thoughts, however, cannot. So, without further ado, I walk to Central Park and hope a nice, decent walk will help me organize my thoughts a little bit more.
Beauty and the Beast
As I walk along the park, a baseball lands beside me. I pick it up as someone shouts, "OVER HERE!"
I squint and see a boy waving his arms as he runs closer to me. Instead of making him run all the way over here, I decide to toss it back to him. However, my aim is quite off; the ball lands in the small lake rather than in his hands.
"ARE YOU AN IDIOT?!" he screams. "MY GRANDMA CAN THROW BETTER THAN THAT!" He flicks me off but I stand there like a fool.
Day by day, will I be unable to do simple things like tossing a baseball to someone?
I walk away and head for a place to sit down; unfortunately all of the benches are taken. I wonder if this is how I will feel like in the future…tired…alone…out casted. I guess I should start going home. There's no point for me to be here…
Suddenly, my phone goes off. I take it out of my purse and see Tess calling me.
"Hello?"
"Hey Cat! How's your family outing?!"
"Oh…um…great!" I lie.
"That's good." She replies. "I'm just calling to remind you about my souvenir."
"Right…thanks for reminding me! I'll head up to the gift shop right now!" I say with a fake expression. "See you Monday."
"See ya!"
She ends the call so I put my phone back into my purse and sigh. Looks like I'll be going to the mall after all. When I arrive, I see tons of people doing weekly shopping. I wonder how many shopping sprees I have left. I walk to the mall's directory and see a few different stores I could go to. After weighing different pros and cons of each place, I settle for the store Strawberry on the second level. It has nice jewelry and I'm sure I can find SOMETHING for Tess there!
I take the escalator up to the second level and enter the store.
"Hello, may I help you?" a cheery blonde girl smiles scarily.
"Yeah…erm…I'm looking for handbags? Do you carry any of those?" It must be obvious I don't shop much.
"Absolutely! Follow me!" she smiles wider (as if that's even possible). I follow her to the back of the store and she exclaims in a high soprano voice, "Tada!"
"Thanks." I reply but she doesn't leave.
"What kind of handbag are you looking for?"
"I think I've got it from here." I say and she takes the hint. I look for about ten minutes and finally find a cute handbag with Tess's name written all over it. It's black with a light purple stripe running vertical along the center of the bag. I pick it up, take it to the cash register and hand her the bag.
"$35.23 please." The lady states with a large smile. Seriously? Why the freaky smiles? Do they not own mirrors at home? "Is something wrong?" she asks.
"Oh…Nothing!" I reply immediately as I give her my credit card so she can swipe it in the machine.
"Do you want it in a bag?" she asks.
"Sure." I say and she puts the handbag into a Strawberry signature bag before handing it to me.
"Have a lovely day! Please come back!" she exclaims and I hurry out of that store before I catch the grinning disease.
"Cat?!"
I turn around and see my sister with three of her high school friends walking towards me. "Hey, Heather."
"What're you doing here? I thought you would be spending the day with your boyfriend. By the way, where is he?"
"He's helping a friend out with a project or something. I promised a friend from school I'd get her something so here I am, getting her something." I reply as I head for the escalator.
"Well, isn't your dance tonight? Why aren't you getting ready for it?" Heather asks as she pulls her friends with her to catch up with me.
"The dance was postponed due to unforeseen circumstances."
"When is it, then?" Honestly, when does she learn to stop asking questions?
"Next Saturday. Now, I'd really like to go and get this bag home before the day ends." I reply. "I'll see you at home. Kay?"
"Alright. Tell Mom and Dad I'll be home around dinner time. Me, Jess, Allie and Kelsey are going to see a movie this afternoon."
"Okay. I will." I say and turn around. As I take a step down the escalator, my foot misses its destination and the next thing I know, I am tumbling down the hard, moving stairs. The last thing I hear is my sister screaming my name as I black out.
Beauty and the Beast
~Vincent's POV~
"Dude, that was tight!" JT exclaims. "Thanks for the help, man!"
"No problem." I smirk as he gives me a high five.
"Soooo…where's the GF?" JT asks as he takes a seat next to me.
"She's at home right now. At least I think she is." I reply with a shrug. "I'm supposed to meet her as soon as we're done here. There's something she needs to tell her parents and she wants me to support her."
"Woah…don't tell me she's pregnant!" JT's eyes widen and I'm pretty sure my cheeks turn a very bright red.
"Don't be ridiculous!" I slap him in the head. "It's something else entirely different."
"So you already know what it is?"
"Of course. She told me first." I reply as I place the beaker back on its proper shelf.
"Care to share?" JT asks but I shake my head.
"Nope. Sorry, I'm sworn to secrecy."
Suddenly, my phone starts ringing and for some reason, I get a sickening feeling in my stomach. I pull out my phone and answer.
"Catherine?"
"Is this…is this Vincent?" a very upset voice asks. A voice which doesn't belong to Catherine.
"This is he. Who is calling?"
"I'm…I'm…I'm Heather…Cat's sister…" she sniffs.
"Is something wrong with Catherine?" I ask as my heart starts to drop. Why would Heather be calling me on Catherine's phone? Why?
"She's…she's…" She's not able to finish. Instead, I hear another voice finish Heather's words. "Vincent, this is Catherine's mother. You need to come to New York General as soon as possible. Catherine has been in an accident."
"An a-a-accident?" I ask in horror.
"Yes…She fell down a flight of escalators at Manhattan Mall. They're performing a CT scan and an MRI right as we speak."
"Is she alright?" My throat feels on fire.
"She was found unconscious so I assume she had a concussion. In any case, I think she would want you hear when she wakes up."
"I'm on my way." I state and leave JT without a word. I take the subway to the hospital and arrive no later than twenty minutes. I race to Catherine's room and find her mother, father and sister sitting at Catherine's bedside. "How is she?" I ask, startling her family a little bit.
"We're waiting for what Dr. Marks, the neurologist Catherine had the day she hurt her chin, has to say. He should be back any moment now."
I walk to Catherine's side and sit down in the empty chair next to her bed. I lace my fingers with hers and kiss her knuckles. "You're going to be okay, Catherine. You're a tough cookie, so just hang in there."
Suddenly, Dr. Marks walks in with Catherine's charts and shakes everyone's hands. "Hello…I'm assuming all of you are here to learn of Catherine's results."
We all nod and he continues. "Well, she did take a nasty fall but luckily, she only suffered a concussion and received a few bruises. She is a very lucky young woman. Most people of her size and stature are either killed instantly or in critical condition when they fall down a long escalator flight like she did. Despite her condition, she is a very lucky young woman."
"Her condition?" Vanessa looks at Dr. Marks with confusion. "What do you mean condition?"
"She didn't tell you?" he asks with wide eyes. "Forgive me, Mrs. Chandler. Catherine called me this morning and told me she informed you…"
"No…she didn't." Mr. Chandler replies. "What's wrong with our daughter, doctor?"
"Normally, it wouldn't be my place to tell you without her permission but since she did sign a disclosure form in case something serious were to happen to her, it is my duty as her specialized doctor to tell you of her condition."
Even though I understand what is going on, I stay as silent as the rest of Catherine's family.
"I regret to say this, Mr. and Dr. Chandler, Miss Heather Chandler and Mr. Keller but Catherine has a rare genetic disease known as Spinocerebellar Ataxia. Some refer to it as Spinocerebellar Atrophy as well. In any case, it is a serious matter."
"Spinocerebellar Ataxia? What the hell is that?!" Mr. Chandler exclaims.
Before Dr. Marks could answer, Vanessa replies, "It's a disease that affects the nervous system. It progresses slowly, in most cases, and in time, the patient won't be able to walk, speak, write or eat properly." She looks at Dr. Marks and asks, "But Dr. Evan, are you sure our Catherine has this disease?"
"Yes…her CT scans from a few weeks back indicate she has the disease." He answers but steps back a little when Mr. Chandler stands up abruptly.
"No! I refuse to believe my eldest daughter has some degenerative disease! It isn't possible! She's a perfectly healthy young woman!"
"I understand your doubt, sir, but I specialize over this disease and can recognize it in a heartbeat. Catherine already knows of her disease. I told her yesterday when she came to see me for her appointment."
"She told me her CT scans weren't complete yet." Vanessa says with surprise.
"Dr. Chandler, Catherine's CT scans were finished almost two weeks ago. When I called her to tell her they were in, she asked me to hold off on telling her until the 14th. I did so even though I didn't like it but I heeded her wishes. In any case, she needs to start physical therapy as soon as possible. Since her muscles are most likely sore from her fall, I suggest she wait no longer than one week to start her physical therapy."
"Doctor…" Heather speaks up, "Will she get better?"
Dr. Marks sighs and says with a sorrowful look, "Unfortunately, there is no known cure for Spinocerebellar Ataxia. The disease will continue to progress and for now, physical therapy is the only thing that'll help her in the long run."
"Just how slow is this disease?" Heather asks.
"It varies from person to person. As far as I know, it is still unclear to determine the progress rate of her disease. That's why I want her to continue writing in her diary to explain all of her symptoms."
Before he could say anymore, Catherine starts to wake up and all of our attention is on her.
"I'll leave all of you alone for a while." Dr. Marks says and leaves the room. I squeeze Catherine's hand as she opens her eyes so she knows I'm here. I need her strength as much as she needs mine. Maybe that's why we're fated to be together.
Beauty and the Beast
~Catherine's POV~
"What happened?" I ask as I open my eyes. "Why am I in the hospital again?"
"Catherine, honey," Mom starts talking, "What was the last thing you remember?"
"I…I was talking to Heather….at the mall." I try to think more but my brain is too exhausted. "I'm sorry…I can't remember anything after that."
"Well, you took a nasty fall down a flight of escalators." Mom replies. "Good news: no broken bones; just a few bruises, sore muscles and a concussion."
I feel Vincent's hand over mine and I smile as best as I can. "See, I told you I'm a tough cookie."
He chuckles a little and kisses my knuckles. "Yeah you are."
"Catherine, we need to…" Dad starts to say but Mom shakes her head and whispers, "Not now. Let's wait until she's feeling a little bit better."
"Alright." Dad replies in a low voice but Heather ignores everything Mom says and blurts out, "Cat! We know you're sick!"
"Heather!" Mom snaps. "What did I just say?!"
"No…" I reply as I try to sit up. It hurt like hell but I manage. "Don't get mad at her, Mom. Get mad at me for not telling you."
"But why, Cat?" Heather continues. "Do you think your life is a game where we have to solve one big, huge Clue game before figuring out you're sick with Spino-whatcha-ma-call-it? Hmmm? I may be the baby sister of this family but I'm not stupid! At least I know how precious life is!" she starts crying. "Why, Cat? Why wouldn't you tell us?"
"I…I wasn't ready to…" I answer weakly. "I speculated, for weeks, of what I could have and yesterday…Dr. Marks confirmed my speculations. I didn't want you guys to be mad at me."
"Honey, why would we be mad at you?" Dad asks as he squeezes my other hand.
Finally, the tears I've been holding start to fall. "I thought it was my fault…that I had gotten this disease. I thought you'd be mad at me because it's my fault I have this disease in the first place."
"You're fault? What're you talking about?" Heather asks.
I shake my head. "It doesn't matter anymore. I know now; sometimes bad things happen to good people too." I slowly move shoulder to my right eye as I try to rub my tears away. "I was also scared…of what to tell you…how to tell you…how you would react to it…and so on. I am so sorry for keeping this a secret."
"In her defense," Vincent adds, "She only just found out about her condition yesterday. Processing information like this is difficult, especially for someone Catherine's age. Don't you think it's a bit unfair for you guys to be upset with her when she's still processing her diagnosis?"
Mom nods with a small smile. "Vincent is right. We should be supporting Catherine, not chastising her. Who knows if she was going to tell us tonight? In any case, I would still like to have your CT scans observed by other medical professionals. Will that be alright?"
I nod in approval and before anything else is said, a nurse comes in and tells my family and Vincent I need my rest. Even though I wanted Vincent to stay, they told him to leave as well. I try to sleep but I feel all alone. Even though my family knows of my condition now, I still feel like I'm the only one trapped within a birdcage.
Beauty and the Beast
Date: September 16th
After monitoring me for 24 hours, Dr. Marks gave me the okay to go home. Although I am sore, I'm sure 800 milligrams of Ibuprofen would do the trick…for now. Since 'the talk' yesterday, my parents and sister have barely spoken to me. I don't know if they're super mad or if they're at a loss for words. In either case, I don't mind the silence. It gives me time to think of what I will say next.
"Thanks for sticking up for me last night." I whisper to Vincent as he carries me to my bedroom.
"Not a problem. Look at the semi-bright side, at least your family knows now." He replies.
"I know…it's just…it wasn't the way I wanted them to find out." I say. "It wasn't really fair to them…they were ambushed."
"Sometimes we can't control what happens, Catherine." he whispers.
"I know…I know…" I say and add, "By the way…I start physical therapy next Saturday. Since the dance is also on that day, I asked for a morning appointment but…I don't know if I'll be able to go considering…"
"Hey, if you can't go, we'll do something together somewhere else. Okay?" he cups my face and kisses me softly.
I nod and smile. "Thank you, Vincent."
"No, Catherine. Thank you." He replies and brings me in for another kiss.
I don't know what I did to deserve him but I'm glad he's here with me.
He pulls away and sighs. "I wish I could stay but I don't think your parents will let me sleep in the guest room tonight. I want to be on their good graces so I'll swing by tomorrow. Okay?"
I nod my head and say, "Call me when you get back to the dorm…It may sound stupid but I want to hear your voice before I sleep. Okay?"
"Okay." He smiles and gives me one last kiss before leaving me breathless on my bed. When I hear his car pull out of the driveway, I reach for my diary and start writing.
Dear Diary, September 16, 2007,
I fell today. And this was not some lousy stumble…I fell BIG TIME in front of a lot of people and probably gave a lot of people heart attacks. Yay me! Not. I've decided to try and stay positive with this disease now that my family knows too. I don't want them to feel like I'm inferior but I think it's okay to be upset when writing in my diary.
I am allowed to cry by myself…and around Vincent. I'm going to try not to cry around my family and friends anymore. I don't think I could bare it if more people start feeling sorry for me.
Today's fall is probably the first of many falls; who knows, maybe someday, I'll fall so badly that it'll take my life. I won't tell this to anyone because they'd cry. I think dying from a fall would be my saving grace. This disease is a slow death and I want to die quickly…have it over with. But…even if it's what I want, I don't want to make anyone sad when I'm gone. So…with that in mind, I've decided to try and fight this disease because I want to continue to see the smiles of my Mama, Daddy, sister and Vincent for as long as I can.
Part of me wishes I could have done more things before finding out about my disease. I wish I could have made love because now, that will never happen. Even if I want it to happen…it wouldn't be fair to Vincent (if he were to be the man I make love with). I wonder what sex is like…then again, is it okay to wonder? Is it okay to wonder about something, knowing full well I'll never have it? Somehow I feel like I'm not being fair with myself. Why wonder about the things I can't have…Instead, I should wonder about the things I already have…like family…friends…Vincent.
No matter how I feel or what I wonder about, I still feel trapped. I think I can closely relate to the victims of the Holocaust. They were innocent people who were trapped into a world of corruption. Just like me. I was an innocent person who is now defiled and diseased. Eventually, like those thousands of victims, I will fall into complete and utter numbness. That is my destiny…to die a slow and numbing death. That's it…there's no other purpose to my life. But I will still fight because the people close to me are what's important. I'll fight so I can continue to see them. That is all. I won't fight for me; I'll fight for them.
Sincerely,
Catherine
I sigh as I put away my diary. Will I ever have a day of rest? Will I?
Beauty and the Beast
I read about the prisoners in the German concentration camp of Auschwitz in the book Man's Search for Meaning. The book's a record of their experiences. Somehow, as a disabled person, I empathize with them. My experience seems to resemble theirs in terms of gradually becoming numbed.
~Aya Kitou (Ch. 3: 16 Years Old)
Beauty and the Beast
Keiko Fujiwara
Sorry for the wait…my wrists are still a little painful but I wanted to get chapter out. (I typed pretty slowly for my standards). This chapter was hard to write and I think it'll be my worst chapter of the story but hang in there because I have lots more planned! There will be a few time lapses coming up! :)
Have a good night!
