Hey you all,
Last chapter finally uploaded! It's almost a little sad right now, *sniff*…
But attachments are forbidden, etc., pp., and so on, yes, Master Windu, I heard you!
And maybe, maybe, you will make farewell easier for me with a tiny review? Please :-)
I hope you enjoy the last chapter of "Are we human, or are we dancers"!
Every breath I took hurt. I lay on kind of a couch, all my limbs aching, my mind blurred and slow, but it didn't matter, nothing mattered but the hand, the calloused hand with the ginger down on the back that I knew so well although I didn't open my eyes and that stroke my forehead so gently, and the calm voice that hummed, low and blandly, just like it had hummed in all my dreams.
I wouldn't open my eyes. If I did, he would know that I was alright, and then he would leave again. I knew I could not pretend to sleep forever, and that he would go inevitably, but I would enjoy the moment to the full when there was only me and him, my head and his hand, my breathing and his voice humming for me.
Suddenly Obi-Wan broke off and I heard a door open. A mechanical, tinny voice filled the air, a stark opposite to Obi-Wan's dulcet, warm vox I loved so adoringly.
"General Kenobi, Sir."
"Please give me a report…M-435."
He always went to the trouble of calling droids with their series number, because in his opinion not even droids deserved unfriendliness.
"Your humming calms him down, Sir. He's steady right now, although the torture has caused severe injuries."
"Will he…"
Obi-Wan cleared his voice and tried again, but the droid seemed to have understood.
"Physically, there will only remain some scars, General. But his psyche could have been damaged by his struggle to resist the tortures…Please, General, let me check your wounds."
My eyes almost flew open in reflex. Obi-Wan was hurt?
"I'm alright, thank you."
Oh, how many times had I heard these words…
"You are bleeding, Sir."
"It's nothing..she just grazed me. Anakin is far worse…"
Silence between them, then the droid seemed to realize that he didn't stand a chance to persuade Obi-Wan to get himself checked.
"Goodnight, Sir."
"Thank you, M-435."
Cool hands again, stroking my feverish head, but now they were trembling a little.
"Ani, oh, my Ani…I'm so sorry…"
Obviously Obi-Wan tried to suppress a sob! He should never, ever cry because of me. I opened my eyes and looked right into the beautiful sea-blue twin crystals that I had missed like the warming sun, swimming in tears and dark with worries. Now they widened in surprise, and despite the pain, despite the fear, despite his leaving I lost myself in them immediately.
"Anakin…", he whispered in surprise, his hands holding my face as if he couldn't believe what he saw.
"Anakin, can you hear me?"
"Obi-Wan…", I choked, my voice hoarse of the suppressed cries.
"Obi-Wan, I'm sorry…"
He gritted his teeth in agony.
"Anakin, it's me to be sorry! All you have endured, all the pain you went through…just because of me! I can't do anything to make this right!"
Now tears were leaking out of my eyes, too.
"You can, Obi-Wan…"
He bent over me, eyes full of hope.
I needed to say it, I needed him, even if it made his pain worse.
"What can I do?"
I lifted my weak, heavy arms and pulled him closer to me, now really crying. It was like all the blocked pain would echo in my mind.
"Stay with me…please!"
I cried myself to sleep in his arms, face buried in his tunics, and he didn't back away, he just held me tight and I clang to him like a drowning man, and my heart broke by the thought of letting him go again.
***
Waking up in another bed, in another room. My mind was still blurred, but the pain had ebbed away almost completely. I tried to move, slowly, carefully, until I stood next to the bed, reeling, shaky, but back on my feet. I was quite sure that it was irresponsible to leave the bed, but as always my emotions won over my mind and I staggered towards the kitchen…please, let him be there…
Suddenly there were strong hands catching me after I had lost my balance and preventing me from falling. I looked up, although I didn't need my eyes to recognize my savior, his scent of peppermint and honey gave him away.
Obi-Wan half-dragged, half-carried me back to bed, my arms around his waist, but as we reached the mattress I just refused to let go so that he was pulled onto my chest. Somehow he managed not to touch me while he rolled over my body force-balanced, and I guess I should have counted myself lucky because his weight would have definitely hurt my injured ribs, but in this moment I wanted nothing more than our skins to touch.
I still had my arms around him, I would rather die than let go, we lay next to each other, foreheads almost touching and both scared to death by the talk that laid in front of us. Obi-Wan bite his lips.
"Do you feel better, Anakin?"
I nodded. Physically, I was almost fine. I was my heart that made me worried.
"How did you find me?"
"I don't know…one night I woke up with the certain knowledge that you were in pain. I guess I've pretty terrified the Council, showing up in the middle of the night without an explanation and threatening them until I was allowed to search for you. I went to Kerrol immediately, but no one could tell me where you were. Nobody even seemed to have realized you had been there. Then I finally made it up to Ci Merro, the leader, and as I was just waiting in front of his bureau, I had…I don't know, the urgent impulse to open the door without being called. I burst right into a communication between Ci Merro and Asajj Ventress, and I could overhear enough to know that she had captured you and where she held you in prison…on Safra, a close moon. I rushed there immediately. I fought with Ventress, but she escaped and I freed you from this…from this terrible machine. I thought…I thought I would have come too late…"
He turned his head away from me, and I was nine again staring through the keyhole to where my Master tried to hide his pain. But this time I knew I could not just snuggle into his lap and things would be alright.
As he looked at me again I got hypnotized by his eyes, blast, I had not been able to see them for far too long, and although they had haunted me in my sleep every night, my mind obviously had not kept how beautiful they really were. Again Obi-Wan was turning everything upside-down inside of me just by the look in his eyes and my mouth opened to say the only thing I could say.
"I love you."
Obi-Wan flinched back, eyes wide open, until he sat on the farthest corner of my bed.
"Anakin…we can't…"
"Why did you know where she held me captured? Why did you rescue me? This is love, Obi-Wan, and I cannot deny it!"
For one moment he looked so sad and dismayed that it cut my heart, but then his face hardened.
"I have never denied my feelings, Anakin. I just try to control them, and things would be easier if you could do that, too!"
Hot tears were burning in my eyes.
"Have you cried yourself to sleep for a thousand times since we parted, Obi-Wan? I did! Have you dreamt of me and woke up almost happy until you realized that it was only a dream? Have you found yourself in the Room of the Thousand Fountains in the middle of the night with no idea how you got there? Have you prevented yourself with the last bit of strength from simply taking a Speeder and push the accelerator until the pain would finally end? Well, I did, and I just can't take it any longer!"
His shoulders were trembling, and as he faced me again I saw that he was crying, too.
"Do you think this is easy for me?"
He was yelling now, arms helplessly outstretched. I had never seen him losing control over himself like that.
"Do you think it's easy to always be…responsible and wise and…do you know what it's like to watch those you love dying in your arms and you cannot do anything against it? Do you know how it feels to see them being struck down in front of your eyes and all you can do is watch and pray that they're spared this time? I've already loved too much once in my life, and when I lost the only father I ever had…that could have destroyed me, Anakin, and I will not destroy you!"
He was pale as death and trembling with sobs, and I stood up again to come closer to him, but again he blenched, in his eyes the desperate struggle to be strong once more, perhaps one time too often.
"Obi-Wan…you destroy me if I can't be with you. It's too late, it's far too late to step back, and you never had a choice. I fell in love with you when I was barely fifteen, and I cannot make it undone. I would not make it undone, because the time I had with you…it is the most precious thing I will ever possess, Obi-Wan!"
I walked closer to him, arms outstretched, but still he flinched until his back touched the wall.
"It kills us, Obi-Wan. I can't be without you, and you can't be without me! If you leave me again, you will destroy me without a doubt…but you can save me and maybe I can save you, too!"
He stared at me, so much pain, so much regret, so much fear in his eyes…
"I beg you, Obi-Wan…", I sobbed, and suddenly there was his body pressed against mine, my arms around his waist, his face buried on my chest, his sobs rocking us both.
"I'm sorry, Anakin…I'm so sorry…"
His grief doubled mine.
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan! We can't end it, I can't fight any longer…please forgive me…"
He bowed his head to my throat, I bent down and our lips met in a desperate, shining kiss, and it was like winning it all by losing, like being stabbed to live, like falling and flying away at once. His lips tasted of honey and salt of our tears, we were clinging onto each other, unable to let go, unable to stop crying, unable to separate agony from bliss and tears from kisses.
We fell asleep some time, helplessly entwined and more alive than in the past half year, and I hugged the man who had risked his soul to save my sanity, who cried like a boy and acted like a hero and whom I could never stop loving.
***
A low voice humming to my ears, and although it was a little hoarse of crying it was more beautiful, pure and light than anything I'd ever heard. I had been lying in these arms for a million times in my mind, I had dreamt of these seconds far too often to count it, but now, in reality, it simply overwhelmed me and I didn't dare to move to not end this moment of bliss I wished to last for eternity. Soft lips touched my cheeks as he mumbled:
"I know you're awake, Ani."
I just snuggled deeper into his embrace.
"I know you know. I just wished it would stay like that. I wished you would hold me forever."
He sighed.
"Just with you I'm whole, Anakin.", he said firmly."I haven't got the strength to leave you again. I will stay with you…as long as you want me to."
My heart seemed to shiver with emotions, and our lips touched with a jolt of helpless bliss.
"I will never let you go."
***
This is the story of two men loving too much. This is the story of two broken souls who could only be whole together. This is the story of breaking the rules for what you need the most, and if you might find it reckless I'll tell you that we both never had a choice. When I first met Obi-Wan Kenobi on the dusty desert planet of Tatooine, I had no idea how this man would destroy my life by giving it a sense, and I can't tell how grateful I am. He taught me everything he knew, but instead of father and son we became equal lovers, and when I look into his eyes I can't help thinking that this was the will of the Force. Maybe one day we can simply live together without hiding our emotions, maybe when this war is over, and maybe then General Kenobi will vanish forever and Obi-Wan will walk with me into the sun dawn.
"Anakin?"
"I'm coming, Obi-Wan."
I will follow, wherever you go.
Whoa, story told! In fact I wrote this just to cheer me up (I fear I laughed like an idiot with the first chapter…how Anakin gives Obi-Wan a handshake :)), but soon every chapter brought me close to tears (well you don't need much to reach that goal…see my profile)…I'm simply a drama queen! Thank you for everyone who wrote a review, and thank you all for reading (but not leaving a review…I'm gonna struck you with a Force Lightning!:) ), maybe you liked what you read, and maybe you will read my next stories, too. Hope to see you soon, Leolina
P.S. Special thanx to ObiBettina7, she wrote a review to every chapter! Kisses from Loser-Jedi to Loser-Jedi :-)
