A/N: Are you all happy now that the yaoi has started? Me too! I'm so proud of my little Near! (tear tear) But don't get your hopes up, readers, for my wammy's boys love to create drama. XP I Love Them! And I love you all for the reviews, alerts, and favs so thank you my dearies, and happy reading from the person who just couldn't wait to upload this! XD So, Enjoy!
Chapter 8: Feelings
I've tried to make myself immune to feelings.
Tried to ignore them for so long.
Only to make them stronger.
Only to make them uncontrollable.
~Nate River
-XvX-
I always tried to only show anger.
To suppress everything else.
It makes you hurt more, though.
It makes you angrier.
~Miheal Keehl
-XvX-
I always felt feelings. Always.
Trying to stop emotions is like killing yourself.
Just go for the ride.
Everything should work out in the end.
~Mail Jeevas
**XvX**
Mail sat up to look at both Miheal and Nate as the sky got darker. Nate turned his head to look at Miheal who was starring at the sky that started to lose the sun and gather one or two stars if he strained his eyes to see them hiding under the blanket of purple above his head.
"Miheal... Something tells me your parents were nothing like ours." Mail said. Miheal glanced down at the two boys, sighed, and then sat down as well.
"My parents loved me so much. They were so proud of how smart I was that they showered me with anything and everything. My brother... he was lovable, but very jealous..." Miheal stated.
"Did you spend a lot of time together?" Nate asked.
"No. I studied, my brother tried to catch up to me, and my parents just did whatever it is that parents do." Miheal explained.
"How did they... die?" Mail asked.
"My brother... finally had enough of being second in my household." Miheal stated.
The boys ran home from the bus to their preschool. The younger running ahead in anger as the older rushed after him to stop him.
"Stay away from me Miheal! Stop!" The younger yelled in anger. Stopping just outside the house. The older paused with shocked eyes.
"Why are you mad at me?"
"There was this test that we took in the preschool. He asked me to help him study the night before but I refused."
"Why didn't you help me study? Why are you scared of me being better than you?! Why can't I do just as good?!" The younger yelled.
"You need to work on it on your own." The older stated, shocked at the younger.
"No! You know I can't do it by myself and you don't want to help me because your scared of me doing better than you!" The younger yelled. "I hate you! Don't ever speak to me again!"
"He told me he never wanted to speak to me ever again, and I loved him so much, that it angered me to hate my parents. They were the ones that always looked down on him, and so I thought it was their fault..."
The parents ran out to the front lawn to the older boy who stood in shock. They hugged him to make sure he was okay.
"Did something happen? Did you do bad on a test?" The mother asked.
"Get off of me."
"What?" The father asked.
"Don't touch me!"
"I yelled at them, saying things I never really meant, things that I wish I never said."
"I hate you! This is all your fault!" The boy yelled, throwing his bag at the startled parents and running down the block. He wasn't being chased and he wasn't going to stop. He needed to get away and take a breath.
He needed to be alone.
"I ran for a while. Just to get away. I don't know what happened while I was gone, all I know is that it shouldn't have happened."
The boy walked back to the house in shock. His house was in flames, burning higher and higher. He watched in fear, hearing the screams of pain from inside. He could also hear sirens, but they were to far away to make him feel any better. He was a smart boy. Miheal knew they were dead.
"I sat outside listening to them die, scared to help. My brother died hating me. My parents died thinking I hate them... I feel terrible because really I... I love them all." Miheal explained.
They looked back at the sky in silence.
"These memories might be bad but they're what made us who we are today, and thanks to that all three of us are the best of friends." Mail stated.
"Let's make one last promise." Miheal smiled, getting Nate and Mail to look at him. "I Miheal Keehl promise to always stay as I am, to never be Mello, or anyone else in the world, no matter what."
He held out his pinky.
"I Nate River promise to always stay as I am, to never be Near, or anyone else in the world, no matter what."
He twisted his pinky in Miheal's.
"I Mail Jeevas promise to always stay as I am, to never be Matt, or anyone else in the world, no matter what."
His pink fit perfectly in between Miheal's and Nate's.
And they all smiled as the sun went down.
**XvX**
Matt didn't know if his eyes could grow any wider. Did Near- small, shy Near- really kiss him? Really? His mind couldn't process the feeling of Near's soft pallid lips on his own. He just stared.
Mello was full of anger. An anger in the pit of his stomach, burning up to his head, and making his fist tremble. What the hell was Near doing?! And then he couldn't stop his body as it pulled Near away from Matt and pushed the albino on the ground, then grabbing the redhead by the collar of his shirt and pulling Matt into a small chaste kiss from the enraged blond.
Sun was shocked.
"What the hell is going on here?!" Sun yelled. Mello, awakening to his body actions at the sound of her voice, dropped Matt and pulled Near up this time.
"I need to talk to you outside, Near." Mello scowled. "Sun, watch Matt."
"I don't need a babysitter, Mels, and anyway this includes me too." Matt whined.
"No. Your sick. Stay here." Mello ordered, voice too icy and stern.
"Mello and I will resolve this, Matt. Please, don't worry." Near stated, making Mello glare at him and shove the shocked albino out of the room, door slamming behind them. Matt stared at the door as Sun put her hand onto his forehead to feel the radiating heat.
"Your burning." She stated, for a lack of better words.
"Are you sure it's not just the blood rushing to my head after those last few... events?" Matt asked, and sneezed.
"Don't be stupid, Matt. Although... I am curious over why they both just kissed you." Sun admitted as Matt shifted the blanket from his shoulders to his neck.
"Hey. I'm only number three, don't expect me to understand them."
XvX
Near was tossed onto the couch, not softly but also not as rough as Near had expected. Mello was standing in front of the couch, glaring angrily at the white haired boy, wanting chocolate so he wouldn't kill Near, but also not wanting chocolate so Near would know everything he had to say.
"Was die Hölle denken Sie, dass Ihres machend, Nahe An? Erkennen Sie, dass Sie nur Matt geküsst haben?! (What the hell do you think your doing, Near? Do you realize you just kissed Matt?!)" Mello asked in a low voice so Matt and Sun would not overhear.
"Erkennen Sie, dass Sie das gleiche Ding gemacht haben? (Do you realize that you did the same thing?)" Near asked, fluid as ever, twirling a lock of his snow white hair.
"Schließen Sie ab! Was die Hölle Sie thinking?! (Shut up! What the hell were you thinking?!)" Mello asked, patience wearing thin, chocolate bar trembling in his hand.
"Ich dachte nicht, und das ist, was fremd ist... Ich habe nicht zu bedeutet... (I wasn't thinking, and that's what's strange... I didn't mean to...)" Near admitted, slightly blushing. Mello stared.
"Didn't mean to? How did you not mean to? How do you not think?" Mello asked.
"If your so smart, Mello, than maybe you can tell me why you kissed him as well?" Near asked, both annoyed and angered. Mello gritted his teeth, turning his back to Near, and then took a small bite of the chocolate that made him catch a steady breath to seize a small amount of his anger.
"Did... Did you like the kiss?" Mello asked, shocking Near. That wasn't a question he was expecting.
"It was... half full..." Near stated.
"You didn't enjoy it? You only half liked it? Why?" Mello asked.
"Because... There's... another person that... I care for." Near managed, scared as hell at where the conversation is going.
"Then why did you kiss him?! Are you just using him?! I swear, Near, if you hurt him in anyway possible I'll-"
"No. You misunderstand, Mello. I have feelings for Matt just as I have feelings for the other. Without the both of them together I can never feel whole." Near explained.
"Sie haben Idioten verdammt, wie sind Sie so selbstsüchtig?! (You damned idiot, how are you so selfish?!)" Realizing he slipped into German again, Mello took a breath to speak English. "... Who... Who is this other person? I'll kill them."
"I find that highly unlikely, Mello... For the other person I need... is you." Near stated, embracing himself for a rampage from Mello. Instead, he found the blond speechless.
"W-What?" Mello asked, back still turned, but shoulders obviously shaking.
"I know I'm being selfish for wanting both of you but I can't help it. We've always been like one, like pieces of a puzzle, Mello. We are not complete without the other pieces." Near stated, placing a hand on Mello's arm, making Mello twitch from the shock of being touched.
"You can't say that Near..." Mello said, in a barley audible voice.
"I have to because I can't ignore it anymore. It hurts to much to be away and to ignore this great feeling of true happiness that I receive only when I am within both yours and Matt's company. I can't ignore the half full half empty feeling I get when I'm only with one of you. And most of all I can't let the pain of being with neither of you eat me alive as it already has." Near explained.
"No... You can't say that, Near..." Mello took a step away from the wonderfully cold touch of the albino's hand. "You can't..! You can't say that!"
"Mel-"
"No! Shut up, Near! Shut up!" Mello yelled, covering his ears with both hands and dropping his chocolate bar at the same time. He no longer cared if Matt heard them, in fact he cared about nothing else in the world but Near's words.
Near can't like him, he just can't. L said that love gets in the way of being a detective, L didn't love, L frowned upon love.
But the main reason Mello didn't want to believe what Near said is because Mello felt it too. He's felt the liking of being so close with Matt, and the pain of being so far from Near, and the comfort from the night before when all three of them were in the car just hanging out the way they used to when they were young.
So, Mello did the only logical thing he could do at that moment. He ran.
His feet carried him, for his brain was too busy analyzing, comprehending, and pushing away thoughts, memories, and words. He went through the halls, catching a few eyes of kids who were making their way to their rooms, and just kept going until he noticed he stopped.
He looked at the door with a skeptical look, wondering if he dared enter or not. Then he took the chance and stepped into the blackness of an empty room with just a single bed in the corner of the giant empty space. Mello curled up on the bed and let a small smile form for he finally felt safe from everything.
Maybe he should hide in L's room more often.
XvX
"We should get you into your bed. You look exhausted." Sun explained as Matt lay on the pillows.
"No... I'm comfortable right here." Matt stated with a small yawn.
"Alright..." Sun stood with an unsure look. "I'll go get you some soup, then."
She didn't move, and Matt knew why.
"What do you want to ask?" Matt asked and Sun smiled at him.
"Well... I just wanted to know if you, well, liked either of those kisses." Sun said, shyly. Matt sighed.
"That's kind of personal." He stated with a smirk, closing his eyes. "Do you know everyone at this school is special in some way? We're all good at something? I'm good at understanding people. I always know how someone feels, like how you wanted to ask a question just now. The only problem is, I can't understand my own feelings, like what I want or need to hear. Unfortunately I'm not a magician, so I couldn't even understand why Near and Mello kissed me."
"Oh, come on, Matt! You have to know if you liked one of those kisses." Sun stated.
"I did. I liked them both. In fact I loved them both, they were an even tie, except for how very different they were- one soft and the other tasting of chocolate- but all together... I don't know. I liked them both." Matt explained and Sun giggled as she headed towards the door.
"You like both of them." She stated. Matt sighed.
"Is it wrong?" Matt asked. She flashed him a small smile.
"Nothing is wrong if it deals with love." She said and then left the room, only to find Near curled up on the couch, chocolate bar in his small hands. His head was hung as if he were upset with himself, but it snapped up as soon as he heard her exit.
"We didn't hear anything, you both were very good at staying quiet." Sun explained.
"It might have been better if you did hear." Near stated.
"You really like Matt, don't you?" Sun asked. Near blushed and turned his head away.
"Y-Yes, but..." Near trailed off, unable to finish.
"You also like Mello?" She asked.
"There can't just be two of us. There can't just be one of us. We can't..!" Near stated, squeezing the chocolate bar in anger.
"Matt's in bed with a fever. He should be better in a few days." Sun stated, at the door to leave the room.
"Good. I hope the best for him." Near said, and Sun could hear how empty he sounded.
"I'm going to get him some soup... You should get in bed, for all we know he could have gotten you sick." She explained.
"No. I have to hand in our reports about the Kira case to Roger, he's probably expecting them." Near stated, moving to Matt's room. She opened the door but didn't move.
"Hey, Near." She called, making him stop. "Do you love them?"
'So much.' He thought to himself.
"Love... is a feeling I'm foreign to."
'Liar.'
