Life in Brooklyn
-Brooklyn, Spring 1937-
It was still dark when Steve awoke shivering. He got up and looked out the window, clutching the blanket around his shoulders. The fresh snow reflected the glow of the street lamp outside. Fat flakes drifted down from the sky, silhouetted against the light.
"Steve?" Bucky muttered.
"It's snowing," Steve told him.
"And dark," Bucky mumbled. "And Saturday. Go back to bed."
"I'm cold. I was going to get another blanket."
Bucky reached out, gesturing for Steve to get in bed with him. "You're going to catch pneumonia if you keep standing there. This is warmer."
Hesitantly Steve slipped under the covers and laid his blanket on top of both of them. Bucky turned on his side to give Steve more room in the narrow bed as Steve settled in with his back to Bucky. Bucky put an arm gently around Steve, the heat of Bucky's body warming him almost instantly. Steve relaxed and put a hand on Bucky's arm."Geez, your hands are like ice!" Bucky remarked, covering them with his own.
"Night Bucky," Steve said, snuggling closer against him.
Bucky kissed his neck. "Night Steve."
Bucky awoke to Steve's hair in his nose. He repositioned his head and settled back down as Steve rolled over to face him.
"Did I wake you?" Bucky asked.
Steve shook his head. "No, I was awake. It was just too cold to get out of bed."
Bucky kissed him, pulling Steve closer. He could feel Steve's erection poking into him. Gingerly he slid a hand down to rest on Steve's hip. "I could take care of that if you want me to."
Bucky felt Steve tense up but before he could answer, the alarm clock rang. Steve threw back the covers and ran to turn it off. Bucky felt the cold air rush in as Steve took his clothes out of the wardrobe. He sat up and caught Steve's hand as he headed to the bathroom to change.
"If you don't want to, you can just say something," Bucky said.
Steve's hand trembled. He smiled, but it seemed a bit forced. "I have to get ready for work. You stay here where it's warm. I'll wake you up when breakfast is ready."
Bucky pulled the covers back over his head as Steve got ready. Once again he had managed to ruin the mood. After living together for two months, most of their life had fallen into a comfortable routine, yet this was still a sore point for both of them. Steve had always been terribly shy, which was strange to Bucky, since he was never particularly passive in anything else. He didn't mind having to initiate things, but he could never tell how Steve was going to react. Some days Steve would let him do almost anything and other days he shied away at the slightest touch. Bucky had agreed to back off a bit but it was frustrating to have to keep guessing where they stood.
Steve came in and tossed Bucky his bathrobe. "Breakfast is ready."
Bucky put it on and went to the kitchen, stopping at the window to look at the snow. "Are you sure Mr. Zimmerman is going to open today?"
"He'll open." Steve said with certainty. "Last time it snowed he kept going on and on about how much it used to snow in Bavaria." He put his arms around Bucky and hugged him from behind, peering around Bucky's arm to see out. Bucky stood there, savoring the small show of affection.
"It's pretty though," Bucky said wistfully.
Steve squeezed him gently and went to the stove. "Come on, the eggs are getting cold." He poured each of them a cup of coffee and set the food on the table as Bucky settled into his chair.
"So what are you going to do while I'm at work?" Steve asked, taking a seat across the table.
Bucky took a piece of toast and slathered it with strawberry jam. "I'm going to the gym. I have a tournament coming up in a few weeks so I need to get ready." Bucky caught a smile on Steve's face. He always got excited after a match.
"What day?" Steve asked, stirring a bit of milk into his coffee. "I'll be sure to ask off."
"April 10th."
Steve nodded. "I'll check, but Mr. Zimmerman shouldn't have a problem with it."
Bucky looked outside as the falling snow. "You want me to walk you to work?"
Steve shook his head. "It's the opposite direction."
"It's not that far," Bucky argued. "I need the exercise anyway."
Steve sipped his coffee to hide a smile. "If you can get ready in time."
Bucky grinned. "What do you want for dinner?"
"Anything but boiled cabbage!" Steve said wearily. He had made that a few days ago. They had finally finished it last night, but the smell still hung in the air.
"I think we still have some carrots and potatoes. I'll stop by the butcher on my way home and see if there's anything on special."
"It would be a nice break from beans," Steve said.
"I'll see what I can find," Bucky finished his coffee and took his plate to the sink. He turned on the water.
"I'll get the dishes. You go get ready," Steve said, around his last mouthful of toast.
"You sure?" Bucky asked.
"Mr. Zimmerman's a stickler for punctuality, so if you want to walk me to work, you'd better get dressed! I'm leaving in 15 minutes, with or without you."
Bucky kissed him and ran off to get ready. He packed his gym bag and put on a warm sweater. It was late for a snowstorm, but March weather was always unpredictable. When he came back out, Steve was at the table packing their lunch.
"Please tell me there's no cabbage in there," Bucky begged him as he put on his coat.
Steve closed up the lunch pail and handed it to him. "Corned beef with sauerkraut."
Bucky looked at him. "You know that's just pickled cabbage."
"Then you make lunch," Steve teased, putting on his coat.
Bucky pulled him close and kissed him. "Have a good day at work Sweetheart." Outside the apartment, they were nothing more than friends. Even if they were walking together, he always made sure to say goodbye before he opened the door.
Steve smiled and straightened Bucky's scarf. "Knock 'em dead."
It was still snowing when Bucky left the gym. He had promised Steve some meat for dinner and a stew would be good on a night like this. Sometimes he wished he'd taken home economics in school. Becky had been able to help him a little, but living on his own and having to cook and clean for himself was more challenging than he had expected. He never realized exactly how much his mother did around the house until he had to do it himself. Growing up with just his mother to take care of the family, Steve had always had to help with many of the household chores that Bucky had never bothered with. Bucky had cooked before, but it had gone from being a romantic gesture to a daily expectation. Steve had been patient the first few times when he had burned something, but they were both getting tired of eating charcoal. Bucky had pushed Steve to live with him out of concern for Steve, but now he was starting to realize how much trouble he would have been in without him.
Clutching his coat tighter, he hurried to the butcher shop near the gym. It was surprisingly busy considering the weather. He eyed the beef but the rabbit was cheaper. He saw a nice fat one hanging on the end. With a few carrots and potatoes, it would cook up nicely.
"Next!" the butcher called.
"Could I get the rabbit there on the right?" Bucky asked.
"Hey, I was going to get that one!" a female voice said behind him. Bucky turned to tell her to buzz off, but the words froze in his mouth. The woman was about his age with silky red hair and full red lips. He glanced at her left hand and noticed that she wasn't wearing a ring.
"Ok, I'll take the fat one in the middle," Bucky said. The butcher nodded and turned to get the rabbits, muttering something about bunnies.
"You didn't have to," she said. Bucky caught a wisp of a flirtatious smile.
He shrugged. "Eh, they're not that different."
He looked at her as the butcher wrapped up the rabbits. It had been months since he had been out with a girl. After losing his job, he hadn't been able to afford it and then he had been focused on helping Steve get through his mother's death. Now that things had started to settle down, maybe it was time to get back to normal.
He held out his hand. "I'm Bucky,"
"Hazel," she said. "I feel like I should make it up to you."
Bucky eyed the rabbit. He felt a bit guilty, but he and Steve had agreed to this a while ago. "Well I'm eating rabbit for the next few days, but I don't have any dinner plans Wednesday if you're free."
Hazel took a notepad out of her handbag and scribbled down an address and phone number. "You can pick me up at six."
Bucky folded the paper and put it carefully in his pocket. For a moment he was elated. It wasn't the first time in a while that a dame had batted her eyes at him, but it was the first time he'd been able to do something about it. It seemed like forever since he had been out dancing. He and Steve would have to practice a bit before Wednesday. Suddenly Bucky remembered the last time he'd been out with a dame. It had been that girl from his work back when he got fired. Steve had gone completely nuts and barged in on them ready to claw her eyes out.
"Oh, hey, I don't suppose you have a friend? I don't want my roommate to think I'm just trying to get out of cooking dinner."
Hazel considered the request. "What's he like?"
"Swell guy," Bucky told her. "He's an artist."
"Can he dance?" Hazel asked.
"Oh he's something else," Bucky said, avoiding her gaze.
Hazel smiled. "I'll see what I can do." She paid the butcher and took her rabbit. "I'll see you Wednesday."
Bucky smiled, waving as she left. He was excited, but he would have to break the news to Steve carefully. He took out the money to pay the butcher and counted the change carefully.
"Say, can you recommend a wine to go with this?"
Steve sighed as he closed the door to the apartment. They never kept it very warm, but compared to the weather outside it felt like a summer day. He took off his coat and hung it on the rack. Bucky was standing by the stove stirring a large pot. It smelled wonderful, but more importantly it was hot.
"Hi Sweetheart. What's for dinner?"
"Rabbit stew," Bucky said proudly.
"Smells great!" Steve said, inhaling the faint scent of rosemary.
"Yeah, we'll see how it tastes," Bucky said cautiously.
Steve laughed and picked up Bucky's coat from the armchair. He hadn't realized when he agree to move in that Bucky was such a slob. He checked the pockets to be sure Bucky hadn't forgotten anything in them. He had a bad habit of leaving things lying around things, and with the weather changing, he might accidentally leave a $5 bill in there until next winter. Steve pulled out a handful of change and a piece of paper. He unfolded it to see if it was important. The writing on it knocked the breath out of him.
"Who is Hazel?" he asked in a tight voice. Bucky put the lid back on the pot and turned around. Steve could see he had been preparing for this conversation all afternoon.
"I was going to tell you after dinner. I met her at the butcher shop. We're going out Wednesday."
Steve tossed the slip of paper down on the table and went to the bedroom without word. He half expected Bucky to follow, but instead he heard the sound of dishes being placed on the table. He hung up his jacket and put on a heavy sweater, sitting on his bed for a moment to catch his breath. Bucky hadn't been on a date since last summer when he lost his job. Settling into their life over the last couple of months, Steve had almost let himself hope that Bucky was done with it all. Steve had started art school and Bucky's job was stable. It had been a bit awkward at first but they had managed. Now everything was changing again. He traded out his shoes for his slippers and returned to the kitchen where Bucky was pouring two glasses of wine.
Bucky handed Steve a glass. "I was saving this for dinner. The butcher said it would go nicely with rabbit."
Steve took a large sip, not trusting himself to speak quite yet. He took a deep breath and set his glass down on the table. "You haven't been on a date in months."
Bucky shrugged. "Well I didn't have any money until a month ago."
"So the only thing keeping you around was money?" Steve asked bitterly. The second the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them.
"Oh, you know that's not true!" Bucky snapped. He took a sip of his wine before continuing in a calmer voice. "I wanted to give this some time but nothing's changed."
"Everything's changed!" Steve shouted. "We-" Bucky put a finger to his lips and pointed at the ceiling. Steve lowered his voice. "We live together Bucky. That changes everything! I know when you leave the house and I'm here when you come home smelling like some tart's perfume!"
"Sweetheart," Bucky reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. Steve slapped it away. Bucky drank his wine and refilled the glass. "You've had a rough time of it this past year and I think I've been pretty patient with everything, but we talked about this."
"And I told you I didn't like it," Steve grumbled.
"But you also said you weren't going to stop me," Bucky reminded him. "If you want me to wait a while longer-"
"No, you're right" Steve said quietly. He took his glass and paced around the kitchen. "But I don't want you bringing anyone back here. This is our apartment. When we're home, you're with me."
"Fair enough." Bucky nodded. He reached over to refill Steve's glass. "I guess I should have picked up another bottle."
"I don't think I could drink anymore," Steve said. The first glass was starting to hit him. He always drank too much when he argued with Bucky.
Bucky turned back to stir the stew. "Are you still mad at me?"
"No," Steve muttered, sipping his wine. "I'm sorry, it just took me by surprise."
Bucky put the lid on the stew and leaned over to kiss him. "I'm sorry, I meant to break it to you a little more gently." He paused. "There is one more thing."
"Bucky," Steve warned.
"She's got a friend," Bucky said quickly. "You told me that you wouldn't be so upset if you had a date too, so I took care of it."
Steve groaned. "If you want to get back to dating, ok, but I'd rather just stay in."
Bucky crossed his arms. "You say that, but you're just going to end up stalking me again so I might as well just bring you along."
"You don't think that's going to be a little awkward?" Steve asked, thinking back to their last double date.
"Maybe a little, but is that really worse than sitting around waiting for me to come home."
"I guess not," Steve conceded. "What did you tell her about me?"
"Just the good stuff," Bucky said quickly, turning back to stir the pot.
"Bet that was a short conversation," Steve muttered.
"Just give it a chance," Bucky pleaded.
Steve sighed. "What are we doing?"
"Dinner and dancing," Bucky said with an excited sway of his hips.
Steve slid up to stand beside Bucky, putting a hand on Bucky's waist to remind him who his best dance partner was. "Did you tell her I can dance?"
"Nope." Bucky shook his head. "If she got that impression that's her own damn fault."
Steve chuckled and dipped a spoon in the stew. "Hopefully you can lie better than you cook."
"Dammit," Bucky groaned. "Did I burn it again?"
"No it just needs salt." He nudged Bucky aside and sprinkled some salt and pepper into stew. He stirred it for a minute. Bucky stood behind him and caressed his arm.
"What would I do without you?"
Steve grinned and held out the spoon for Bucky to taste. "Starve?"
Wednesday evening, Bucky and Steve waited in the small lobby of Hazel's apartment building. Hazel came came down the stairs in a stunning green dress. Her friend came down behind her and her eyes fell on Steve. Bucky saw the all too familiar look of disappointment and revulsion. She stopped Hazel at the bottom of the stairs to whisper something. Hazel grabbed her arm to keep her from leaving. Bucky could see Steve scowling beside him.
"Come on, we're already here," Bucky whispered.
"You owe me," Steve muttered.
"Hi!" Hazel said with a flirty smile. "Did you find the place ok?"
"Yep. You look great," Bucky complemented her, admiring the way the dress showed off her curves. "This is Steve."
"This is my friend Ruby," Hazel introduced the sullen brunette.
"Hello," Ruby said, limply shaking hands with Steve. Steve politely shook her hand with a thin smile.
"Well let's get going" Bucky said, offering Hazel his arm. Steve and Ruby followed as he led her out the door. The snow had melted and the night was pleasant as they walked down the street
"Where are we going?" Ruby asked.
"A little Italian place nearby," Steve said. Bucky could tell he was going to pay for this later, but he was grateful to Steve for giving it a chance.
"I'm allergic to garlic," Ruby said in a disdainful tone. Steve heaved a defeated sigh.
"I'm sorry," Hazel apologized. "I should have said something."
Bucky shrugged. "Don't worry about it. How was your rabbit?"
"A bit stringy," she admitted. "I kind of wish I'd let you have it. How was yours?"
"Not bad," Bucky replied. "I tossed it in a stew."
"Oh, I should have done that," Hazel said. "My mom roasted it and it came out a little dry."
"Well my stew was kind of bland, but Steve fixed it. He's pretty handy in the kitchen," Bucky told them. Hazel looked expectantly back at Ruby.
"So you live together?" Ruby asked brusquely. "Are you brothers?"
"Roommates," Steve corrected her. He turned to address Hazel. "I had to move kind of suddenly. Bucky was real pal and offered to help me with the rent."
"That's so sweet!" Hazel gushed.
Bucky grinned. "Here's the place," he pointed to a restaurant with a red and white striped awning.
"Oh I pass by this all the time!" Hazel said. "I've always wanted to try it."
They went inside and the waiter showed them to a table. Bucky pulled out the chair for Hazel and Steve did the same for Ruby. Bucky caught half of a silent conversation between them as he pushed in the chair. Ruby didn't seem very happy.
"Would anyone like some wine?" Bucky asked, looking around for the waiter. The evening was off to a terrible start and they hadn't even ordered.
"That sounds wonderful," Hazel replied.
"Ruby?" Steve asked dutifully.
"I don't drink," she said haughtily, smoothing her napkin in her lap.
Steve scowled at Bucky and even Hazel looked irritated with Ruby. Bucky ordered a bottle of something he wasn't quite sure how to pronounce and three glasses.
"So what looks good?" he asked, trying to keep the mood light.
Hazel scanned the menu. "The lasagna sounds delicious."
Bucky looked at the prices, relieved to see that it was one of the cheaper items. "I might get that too. Steve?"
"I was looking at the spaghetti and meatballs. What about you?" he asked Ruby.
"I'll just have soup," she said, closing her menu with a crisp snap.
The waiter came to bring the wine. "Have you decided?"
"We'll have two orders of the lasagna," Bucky told him.
"Spaghetti and meatballs and she'll have the soup," Steve said. He handed the menu to the waiter. "And an order of garlic bread."
Bucky took a sip of his wine to keep from laughing as Ruby glared at Steve.
The rest of dinner wasn't any better. Steve's halfhearted attempts to engage Ruby in conversation tapered off until they were sitting in tense silence. Bucky was enjoying Hazel's company, but Steve was watching him with a resentful glare. They finished dinner and Bucky asked for the check.
"I need to go powder my nose," Hazel said. She grabbed Ruby and dragged her off to the podwer room. Bucky turned to Steve.
"Ok, she's not exactly Judy Garland, but maybe once we get to the dance hall-"
Steve glared at him. "I'm not going to sit there and keep the Wicked Witch of the West busy while you dance around making eyes at Hazel."
Bucky started to reply, but the waiter came by with the check. As they finished paying, the girls returned to the table. Ruby had a sour look on her face and Bucky could only assume that Hazel had given her a talking to about her behavior.
"So where are we going next?" Hazel asked.
"Dancing," Bucky said. "It's not far."
"I'm going to take Ruby home," Steve announced. "Hazel it was nice to meet you. Buck, I'll see you later."
Ruby practically ran out of the restaurant. Steve followed without another word leaving Bucky alone with Hazel.
"Well that was rude," she said as Bucky helped her with her coat.
"Hey, she was being a pill from the moment you showed up," Bucky said defensively as they left the restaurant.
"Still," Hazel said with a scowl. "Who walks out in the middle of a date?"
"She seemed pretty keen to get out of here too."
"He could have at least come dancing for a bit,"
Bucky bit back a reply. "Let's forget it and just enjoy the rest of the evening." he suggested. Hazel nodded grudgingly.
Bucky tried to strike up a conversation on the way to the dance hall, but Steve's sudden departure had put a damper on the mood. He had set Steve up so that he wouldn't feel left out, but it had backfired and now Hazel was mad at him too. Still, he was determined not to let that be the end of it. It had been ages since he had been dancing. Between Steve and his job, he hadn't been able to get out and he was going to make the best of it.
Bucky led Hazel onto the dance floor. It had been so long since he had danced with anyone but Steve and he was a little rusty at first. A couple of times he forgot that he was supposed to be leading, but after a few songs he was back to his old self. Bucky let himself relax into the rhythm of the music and enjoy having a pretty girl in his arms, even if she was a bit sore at him. As they glided over the floor, Bucky realized how much he had missed this. Not just dancing, but being able to hold someone out in the open, to hold a door or pull out a chair. Hell, he even missed being able to argue in public. Sometimes he felt like he was missing out on so much being with Steve. When it came down to it, he preferred holding Steve in bed on a cold morning to dancing with some stuck up dame, but having to constantly watch every word and gesture when they were out together was exhausting.
The song ended and Bucky stood back for a moment to catch his breath. The band started up again, playing the swaying strains of a familiar song. For a moment Bucky froze. He was about to excuse himself until a man tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey pal, mind if I cut in?"
Bucky felt a wave of relief. "Go ahead." He bowed to Hazel and made his way off the floor as the dance began.
"Let me call you sweetheart, I'm in love with you,
Let me hear you whisper, that you love me too.
Keep the love light glowing in your eyes so blue
Let me call you sweetheart, I'm in love with you."
It didn't seem right to dance to this song with anyone else, but he wished Steve could understand why he needed to keep dating. Before Steve, he had dated several girls at a time and he never remembered having these kinds of issues. Bucky had been upfront about his reservations and Steve had agreed to let him work things out, but when the time came, he always managed to get in the way. Steve was ready to settled down, but the idea of that terrified Bucky. Even if Steve were a girl he wouldn't be ready to settle down. The fact that it was Steve just make everything that much more confusing.
In his wildest dreams Bucky had never pictured himself dating another man. If it had been anyone but Steve, he might have ignored his feelings completely. Some days he still wondered if there was something wrong with him. Then he would come home to Steve cooking dinner or drawing and everything seemed to fall into place. When they were together it all seemed so simple. Then Bucky would see a pretty dame at the drugstore and everything would be turned on it's head again.
The song ended. He headed back to the dance floor to cut in with Hazel, but stopped. She looked like she was having fun with the guy. He looked out at the happy couples twirling around the floor, and all he could think about was Steve at home drawing. Part of him wanted to call it a night, but Steve was going to lay into him when he got back and Bucky wasn't quite sure what he was going to say. If he stayed out long enough, perhaps Steve would be asleep when he got home. He eyed one of the dames standing against the opposite wall and went over to ask her to dance.
After dropping off Ruby, Steve went home and made a cup of cocoa. He settled on the couch with his sketch book and tried to draw, but he couldn't seem to keep his mind on his art. Seeing Bucky out with a girl had been harder than he had expected. It didn't help that his date had been terrible. Maybe if she had been a better distraction, he wouldn't have been so fixated on Bucky, but seeing Bucky take an interest in girls again made him wonder if he was doing something wrong. They had agreed to slow down, but Steve still got flustered sometimes when Bucky touched him. Bucky had been patient, but after tonight Steve wondered how much longer that would last. He was still staring at a blank page when Bucky came home.
"You're back early," Steve said, more coldly than he intended.
"Yeah, I have work tomorrow," Bucky replied hanging up his coat. "You get Ruby home safe?"
"Would have left her there if I could," Steve muttered. "How'd the rest of the night go?"
"Not great," Bucky said irritably. "You storming out after dinner was pretty much the end of the evening."
"I told you I didn't want to go," Steve reminded him a little resentfully
Bucky's eyes narrowed. "What, so this is my fault?"
Steve set down his pencil and took a deep breath. Bucky was already irritated with him for leaving. He didn't want to make things worse. The night had been a disaster and neither one of them was in the mood to discuss this calmly. "Forget it. I think we just need to go to bed and talk this tomorrow."
"No we're going to talk about this now," Bucky pressed him. "Just tell me what's wrong!"
"What good would that do?" Steve asked. They had been over this a hundred time and it always ended the same way.
"Well it would speed things up," Bucky grumbled impatiently. "Just tell me why you're angry with me."
"I'm not angry," Steve said shortly.
"Well I am!" Bucky said. "You ditched me halfway through the date after I begged her to set you up. Do you know how that makes me look?"
"She didn't try very hard!" Steve snapped throwing his sketchbook down on the couch. "This always happens! You get to have fun with some dame and I have to settle for whatever stuck up twit she brings along!"
"You still could have come dancing for a half hour."
"So I can watch Hazel fawn all over you while her friend steps on my toes?" Steve snarled. "I'm tired of having to compete for you with girls like her!"
Bucky rubbed his forehead with an exasperated sigh. "Steve, you're not competing with her, she's competing with you!"
"Then why can't you just be with me?" Steve shouted, his voice shaking.
"Because I'm not ready!" Bucky yelled. "I know you're ready to jump into this and settle down, but I'm not! I don't want to be tied down like that to anyone right now, not even you" He ran a hand through his hair. "If you don't want to see anyone else, fine, but that's your choice! I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy because you have expectations that I can't live up to!"
Steve stared at Bucky for a moment, at a loss for words. Bucky grabbed his jacket from the coat rack.
"I'm going to the bar. Don't wait up."
The door slammed shut, leaving Steve alone. He felt a tear slip down his cheek as he picked up his sketchbook and went to the bedroom. He had been right about one thing; they should have just gone to bed and put this off until the morning.
The apartment was dark when Bucky came home. Steve was fast asleep in bed. Bucky went to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face. He felt bad for yelling at Steve, but he wasn't in the wrong. He wasn't going to apologize for how he felt. Having spent years watching Steve fail with girls, Bucky couldn't blame him for getting upset about the date. Sadly what happened with Ruby was nothing new and Steve, for all his great qualities, was riddled with insecurities when it came to dating. Bucky hated to see him like that, but it didn't change anything. He had been honest about his feelings from the beginning and Steve had stayed anyway. None of that made arguing with Steve any easier. It hurt to see him upset, but it would hurt more later if Bucky made promises he couldn't keep. He loved Steve, but he was done feeling guilty for needing his freedom.
He dried his face and went to change into his pajamas. As he threw back the covers to get in, he heard Steve shivering in the other bed. Taking a blanket from the wardrobe, he laid it over Steve and bent down to kiss him on the cheek.
"Goodnight Sweetheart."
When Steve awoke that night, Bucky was fast asleep in the bed across the room. Steve noticed that the blankets felt heavy. Running a hand across it, he recognized the knitted blanket that they kept in the wardrobe. Bucky must have put it there when he came in. He thought back to their fight earlier. It hurt to admit it, but Bucky had been right. He simply wasn't ready for the sort of commitment Steve wanted and Steve couldn't expect anymore than Bucky had already offered him. It wasn't fair, but if he wanted to be with Bucky he would have to be satisfied with that.
Suddenly it occurred to Steve that he was doing the same thing. Bucky had been reluctant to commit to him, but Steve had been holding back as well. If he wasn't willing to give Bucky what he wanted, what right did he have to keep him? Glancing over at the other bed, Steve unbuttoned his pajama top and slipped off his pants. The chill jolted him awake and he hurried across the room, slipping under the covers. He settled down on top of Bucky and kissed him gently. Bucky yawned and opened his eyes.
"Steve? What time is it?" he muttered sleepily.
"I'm not sure, but I couldn't sleep," Steve said. "I owe you an apology."
"Apology accepted," Bucky yawned, "Can we talk about this in the morning?"
"No, I need to say this now," Steve insisted. "You're right. I've been expecting too much of you, but I'm just afraid of losing you. Every time you go out with someone I keep wondering if this is going to the one that steals you away."
"Oh Sweetheart!" Bucky kissed him softly and stoked his cheek.
"I just," Steve paused. "I realized I haven't really been fair to you and that you have some expectations that I'm not living up to either." Steve leaned in to kiss Bucky, his heart pounding. Bucky gave him a chaste kiss and held him back.
"Sweetheart, that has nothing to do with this. I've done more with you than any girl's let me do." He ran his hands down Steve's back, cupping his bare ass. "Are you naked?"
Steve could feel himself blush. "I just thought maybe I should meet you halfway."
"This isn't about you. I love you the way you are." Bucky trailed a finger up his back. "It's me, I'm the one that has to sort this out. And I will. I just don't want to look back in twenty years and wonder if I did the right thing."
Steve gaped at Bucky. "You love me?" Bucky was silent. It was the first time he had said those words and for a minute, Steve was afraid he might take them back.
"Yeah, I love you," Bucky said finally. "You don't have to do anything to make me stay." He ran a hand down the side of Steve's naked torso. "Although this isn't hurting your case."
"I love you too," Steve whispered, sliding his hands underneath Bucky's shirt. He had never doubted that Bucky cared for him, but to hear him say 'I love you' put Steve's mind at ease for the moment. He kissed Bucky, undoing the tie of Bucky's pants, and slid a hand inside to find that Bucky was already hard. Steve looked at him in surprise.
"You climbed in my bed naked," Bucky said.
Blushing, Steve sat back on his knees to remove Bucky's pants, but lost his balance. He fell to the floor, landing on his rear.
"What if we start pushing the beds together at night?" Bucky suggested.
"That would make this easier," Steve agreed, rubbing his backside.
Bucky grinned. He reached down and wrapped a hand around Steve's cock. Steve grabbed the edge of the bed, biting his lip to stifle a moan. The next door neighbors already thought he suffered from nightmares, and the upstairs neighbors had brought in a priest to bless the house after hearing strange noises from below. Steve leaned back on his hands, arching his hips as Bucky's fingers moved along his length. Bucky rubbed his thumb in a slow circle over the tip and then down to caress his balls. Steve gasped, his body quivering under Bucky's touch. Bucky trailed a finger up the underside of his cock, just barely touching, before once more wrapping his strong hand firmly but gently around the shaft. Clapping a hand over his mouth to muffle his cries, Steve came, spurting white goo all over Bucky's hand.
Bucky sat back to admire his handy work, as Steve caught his breath. "Yeah, I think we should start pushing the beds together."
Steve blushed, grabbing the blanket off his bed to cover himself. Bucky laughed and wiped his hand clean on his shirt, tossing it in a corner of the room. He sat up to help Steve, but Steve put a hand on his thigh and knelt between Bucky's legs. He looked up at Bucky, sliding his hand toward the waistband of Bucky's pajama pants. Bucky lifted his hips to let Steve slide them off. Licking his lips, Steve looked at Bucky's stiff cock. Bucky had done this for him so many times, but he had never tried it before.
Hesitantly he put his lips around the oozing tip, lapping at it gently. Bucky moaned, leaning back on the bed. Steve swirled his tongue around the head and carefully slid down. He had seen Bucky gag before trying to take him in too quickly. He felt the muscles convulse as the tip hit the back of his throat and pulled back slightly. He moved down again, trying to relax his throat as though he were swallowing something. He managed it for a few seconds then moved back to catch his breath and tried again. A deep groan escaped Bucky's throat as he wove his fingers into Steve's hair. He tightened his grip as Steve slid back down. It hurt a bit, but in a way that made Steve shudder.
Steve could feel Bucky quivering in his mouth. He let Bucky's cock slip out of his mouth with a wet smack and moved down to kiss Bucky's inner thigh. When Bucky did this for him it was always over so quickly. He didn't mind, but he liked how it felt to have Bucky at his mercy, to know that every sound and movement that Bucky made was his doing. He wanted to draw that out a long as he could. Working his way up Bucky's thigh, he craned his neck to take one of Bucky's balls into his mouth. Bucky moaned, but Steve spit it out almost immediately. The hair caught in his teeth and made him cringe. He put his mouth back around the tip of Bucky's cock and used his hands to fondle Bucky's balls instead. Bucky sucked in a breath. Steve could feel him tense up again and sat up on his knees to swirl his tongue over Bucky's hard nipple. Bucky grabbed Steve's hand and wrapped it around his cock.
"I can't take it anymore!" he whimpered. "Just finish me off!"
Grinning with satisfaction, Steve bent down, sliding his lips back and forth along the hard length. Moments later, Bucky came, the taste of him filling Steve's mouth. Steve swallowed it, noting with pride that Bucky had never done that. He looked up at Bucky, smirking.
"Where did you learn all that?" Bucky asked in amazement.
"Watching you," Steve said.
"I don't think I've done half of that," Bucky mumbled. He looked at Steve. "You actually like that stuff?"
Steve shrugged, wiping his mouth. The taste had been strange at first, but the more he tried it, the more he found himself starting to like it. There was something about it that was uniquely Bucky.
"Well I'm not kissing you until you brush your teeth." Bucky reached out his hand to help Steve up. Steve kissed him on the cheek. He picked up their clothes while Bucky pulled Steve's bed over to his, arranging the covers so they could cuddle up together. Bucky lay on his back and Steve settled in beside him with his head Bucky's chest.
"So you really love me?" Steve asked.
"Yeah, especially after that," Bucky said, stroking his arm. "Now can we please go back to sleep? We both have work in the morning."
Bucky awoke to the smell of coffee and an empty bed. He rolled out of bed and put on his bathrobe. Steve was at the stove making breakfast
"Pancakes!" Bucky exclaimed. "My birthday was last week!" He hugged Steve from behind and kissed his cheek. "Though after last night I feel like I should be cooking you breakfast."
Steve giggled as Bucky kissed his neck. "I felt like I should apologize for what happened."
Bucky went to pour a cup of coffee. "I feel like you already did!"
Steve blushed. "Even so, I'm sorry I stormed out."
Bucky waved his hand dismissively. "That broad had it come," he said, pouring a cup of coffee for Steve. Steve took a sip and poured some batter into the skillet.
"Did you have fun at the dance hall?"
"It was nice to get out," Bucky admitted. He reached down and took Steve's hand. "I love you, but I just feel kind of trapped sometimes having to hide. Going out with a dame, it doesn't mean anything. Once in awhile I just want to being able to have a good time and not worry about getting caught."
Steve squeezed his hand. "I just worry that if I let you go you're not coming back."
Bucky brushed a strand of hair out of his face. "Is that what last night was all about?"
Steve nodded.
"I'm not just going to vanish," Bucky promised. "And if someone else does come along, you'll know it. Then you can fight for me. Right now I'm not serious about any of them."
Steve flipped the pancake. "You've been really patient with me and I've just been kind of a pain. I've had so much on my mind the last six months, I forgot you were having a rough time of it too. I'm sorry, and I know pushing you away wasn't helping."
Bucky put a hand on his cheek and kissed his forehead. "It's ok if you don't want to do anything. You can tell me, I just want to feel like I can ask."
"You can ask me anytime," Steve whispered as he leaned in to kiss Bucky.
Bucky stopped him. "Did you brush your teeth?"
Steve punched him in the arm and turned back to the pancakes.
-End-
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