Chapter 8: Reflections Are Where You Can See Ghosts
Rachel stood alone in the bathroom in front of the mirror. The school was almost empty, everyone else had gone home or was in tutorial. Rachel should be in tutorial right now. Her reflection held her interest. When she looked at herself, she didn't see a mom or a dad or a sister or brother or some relative. She saw the different facial expressions she would practice so that when she sang she could look 'soulful but in the right way.' She saw a face that was like a map to a destination she would never reach.
She was glad she did not look like her mother.
~R~S~R~S~R~S~R~S~R~S
Shelby looked up to see three expectant faces standing in front of her desk. Shelby sighed. How had she forgotten that she was supposed to help the small group ensemble practice today?
Shelby scanned the room with her eyes. There was still no sign of Rachel, and Shelby felt as if she had swallowed a dull knife and it was pressing against her throat.
"Alright, go on into the practice room, I'll be there in a minute," Shelby found herself saying.
She didn't have time to worry about Rachel, and yet her thoughts just kept drifting to her. There was something about the girl that was just so familiar. She was like a younger version of herself but...more broken. The thought felt like an ice fish swimming in her chest. Shelby had always taken for granted that her parents had been warm and loving. As a teacher she was very aware that not all students had that, and yet, she could keep herself at a distance from the concept. Somehow, Rachel brought her closer to it, made her think about her daughter, Brittany, and what she would do if...but she wasn't really her daughter, was she? She was her student. And Leroy and Hiram's daughter.
"Hey...Tina will you do me a favor? If anyone comes in here...asking for me. Tell them I'm in the practice room but they're welcome to...welcome to come and chat, okay?"
Shelby tried to stay focused as she listened to the ensemble, but she found her mind was drifting. They kept messing up in the same places, their notes clanging together in repeated chaos, driving the wrong point home.
"Okay, let's try this," Shelby said finally. "I want you to close your eyes while you sing, and I want you to really listen. Then, I want you to tell me where you're singing it wrong, and what you're going to do to fix it."
Shelby could feel a headache coming on as she left the practice room. Balancing criticism and praise was an art form, and Shelby's need for control often made her fall too heavily on the criticism side of the scale. Especially when she was stressed.
Shelby gathered up her bags, turned the lights out and locked up. Heading down the hallway, Shelby saw her just after Shelby was seen by her, but they both stopped in unison. Rachel looked like a squirrel freezing so it could be hit by a car.
Shelby wasn't able to suppress a laugh, but she regretted it as Rachel's shoulders lost their tension and fell into embarrassed defeat.
"Rachel..." Shelby took a step forward then stopped. "I want to speak with you. Will you walk with me, to my car?"
Rachel nodded.
Shelby waited.
Rachel tentatively crossed the space between them, as if she thought the floor was ice that would break underneath her before she reached Shelby.
Shelby's eyes flicked over Rachel's posture as they walked. "Please relax, you're making me nervous Rachel!"
"Sorry." A quiet noise.
Shelby laughed. "You know how many frightened soloists I've seen over the years? And do you know how many of them managed to make me nervous?"
"I would assume...not many," Rachel tested the words as if they were glass that was going to sink into her tongue. Her cheeks were burning.
"Why do I scare you so much anyway? Come on, I'm strict, but you act as though you think I'm going to crush you like an egg on a rival glee club's car!"
Rachel actually let out a snort, a strangled laugh attempting to escape. "So you've? So you have experience with that, Ms. Corcoran?"
"No," Shelby rolled her eyes. "But my students...but I don't encourage it! Of course."
"You remind me of my mother," Rachel said, looking down.
Those words jolted through Shelby like a sword coated in acid.
"She wants me to be this...perfect showgirl. But I'll, I'll never be—" There were tears in Rachel's eyes now and she blinked at them furiously.
Shelby didn't know what to say. Her emotions were racing faster than her mind. Was she so intimidating and awful that abused children would see their abusers in her? Is this what her daughter would think of her? What would Brittany see when she looked at her?
Was Rachel's mom even technically abusive? Or was Rachel's mom just like her. Was Rachel what her own daughter would be like, if she had raised her herself?
Shelby swallowed hard. She needed to say something to Rachel.
Shelby held the door for Rachel and they walked out into the damp air. Rachel was still walking beside her. Shelby unlocked her car and arranged her bags in the backseat. Rachel was still standing there, waiting. Shelby took a deep breath and turned to face her.
"Listen," Shelby had to look down and away from Rachel's large eyes, which were full of pleading. Shelby studied a spot on the pavement, past Rachel's elbow. "I may be a strict teacher. I'm not going to lie, I want to win every time, that's the goal. But..." Shelby finally found the courage to look up into Rachel's eyes. "It's not winning if I have to break my students in the process. Now, I don't know your mother, but, it sounds like she went too far. I...I never want to go too far. Does that, does that make sense...Rachel?"
"I think so...Ms. Corcoran." Rachel tilted back and forth on her feet.
Four eyes fell to the ground.
They were both waiting for something, but neither knew what. Finally, Shelby opened the driver's side door to her car and started to get inside.
"Do you need me to give you a ride?" Shelby asked, as an afterthought.
"No," Rachel said, spinning around quickly as if she had been dismissed.
"Bye, Rachel." Shelby said to Rachel's back.
Rachel continued walking and said nothing, but one of her shoulders flinched at the words.
Shelby let out a long sigh as she closed the door and started her car. She backed out of the space forgetting to take her parking break off, but, at least she noticed and put it down before she reached the highway.
