Cross My Heart
Serenity
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This one was such a damn challenge, but I had a few hours to waste in the student lounge, and I've been itching to use this quote because it screams Castiel to me. Also, thanks again to everyone who has been reading and reviewing so faithfully. You guys are awesome.
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Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.
-Desmosthenes
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He had to remind himself that he didn't always know what his father's plan was. That there were some things that he could not understand.
Soldiers take orders, and if there was nothing else he could be good at, it was orders. He could not trust himself anymore, more importantly, that what he thought was most relevantly insignificant. He was not all knowing.
If there is a god, what is he waiting for? Genocide? Monsters roaming the earth? The friggin' apocalypse? At what point does he lift a damn finger and help the poor bastards that are stuck down here?
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Mysterious ways.
He remembered a time when he had no trouble believing fully in the Lord's plan. In taking what he was given and blindly accepting it with no thought to the contrary.
But just one moment, twenty-six years short years ago had taken everything he believed in and managed to tear two thousand years of belief to shreds.
He had an answer for the suffering once, for all the injustices of this world he had an answer, once before. But twenty six years had left him with a gaping hole in his faith, and now all he could do was force himself to believe that it was all part of God's greater plan. God knew what he didn't.
But sometimes he wondered…
Did God know that Sam Winchester had more faith in him than his own angel did?
Did he realize that the one that they were putting all their faith in had no faith at all?
What kind of plan was it to pick off the believers of the world? Or even worse, to watch them be picked off and do nothing. Wasn't it just as bad to stand by and watch something incomprehensible? It was why he often found his job easier, it was so much easier to destroy evil then it was to watch it destroy humankind. He'd been to every corner of the world, keeping track of demons and it taught him more about this world than he'd known before.
But he'd chosen to not think about. All he could do was to accept the orders he was given, and to fill them.
Killing demons was easy, it made him feel like he was atoning for what had happened to Samuel. Extinguishing a human however, he could not help but to doubt. He couldn't forget them. He'd lost count of his demon death toll, theirs did not matter. Twenty-Six years and he'd extinguished fifty-seven humans.
They weren't as easy to forget as he thought they'd be, and yet, he had no doubts that what he thought was wrong.
Their lives were inescapable casualties on the war against the apocalypse. He'd like to believe that, and it was almost easy to make himself believe, he had no one to argue otherwise.
Number fifty-eight, however, was going to be difficult to deceive himself with.
