A/N: Okay, hi, hello everyone it is I, Emma. Here to tell you that you're going to love this chapter, though I think I say that with every update. I just really like this fic, okay. Reminder that if you did not see it on mine or Becca's blog, if we get to 100 reviews we will update immediately. So keep on doing what you're doing and enjoy!
Rating: This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we believe it belongs in the M tag.
Disclaimer: We don't own Degrassi or the song Sight Of The Sun by FUN.
Summary: As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him.
"And three words on the tip of my tongue. Not to be spoken or sung or whispered to anyone. Til I scream them at the top of my lungs." Patient Love | Passenger
Band practice,
I won't be home until late.
Adam
Eli's tired eyes surveyed the small slip of paper that had been attached to the fridge by a circular magnet. It was a bit of a relief to have some kind of information as to why he'd been completely alone when he got up in the morning. He knew his aunt and uncle had left with Cece to spend the day together, and he heard Drew leave earlier in the day, but when he turned to find that even his youngest cousin was gone, he found himself a little anxious at the idea of being completely alone. It was nice. But it had been a while.
He'd gotten a little sleep the previous night, which surprised him, seeing as how the day had been anything but relaxing. He remembered the way Clare's hand held his, and how comfortable he could feel when he was around her.
It was dangerous for him, thinking like this, especially after what she'd seen, he feared for a split second that maybe she only spent so time with him because she felt like she could put him back together. But that wasn't Clare, and he knew that for sure.
He could already tell things were changing with Adam, and it'd only been a night. He'd said nothing as he climbed into bed the night before, not even going so far as to tell him goodnight, and he hoped that maybe things would go back to the way they were.
His talk with Adam was unsettling to say the least, and Eli found himself in the bathroom staring at a lone razorblade for a large portion of the night. He was so tempted to dive in a little deeper, make a mark that would last longer than the others, but when his fingertips grazed the metal he thought of Clare and he couldn't bring himself to do it.
He wasn't sure what this meant, and quite frankly he wasn't looking to find out, hoping that maybe the feelings would go away, and that he wouldn't have to catch his breath every time she shot him a smile. Sure, things with Adam were rocky, but he knew that would pass. He wasn't sure he could handle it to make Clare angry with him.
He stared at the contents of the fridge for a while, feeling a little excited at the prospect of eating a real breakfast, something he hadn't gotten to experience in ages. He assumed, that after having come clean, that would mean he was officially off the hook.
No medication, no problem. He could handle all the rest on his own. Everything was fine.
It had to be.
Eli didn't lose faith in his newfound sanity when his stomach began to churn, and he tried to remain positive as he nibbled on half of a breakfast bar before tossing the rest away.
He sat in silence, staring off into nothing as he tried to process exactly what he was feeling.
He wanted to say content, because he'd been alone in the house for a couple of hours and he hadn't tried to kill himself yet.
But maybe he spoke too soon.
The house was so quiet, and after a while, he began to think that maybe the walls were starting to cave. He decided he needed a distraction, and he hurried upstairs to put on clothes for the day.
His wardrobe was practically all the same, long sleeve shirts to hide his sliced arms and a pair of jeans that he usually picked at random. When he was younger, he'd go all out, wearing eyeliner and coloring in his nails with a black sharpie, but when things started to fall apart, the goth phase must have went with it.
He checked his homework, making sure it was all done, and then even decided to start the English project that wasn't due for a month.
He felt at peace being alone, but only when he kept himself busy.
The doorbell rang after about 30 minutes of writing, and he debated with himself whether he would answer it or not, ultimately deciding that it could be someone who forgot their key and was locked out of the house.
Opening the door, Eli couldn't help but notice his expression brighten when he saw it was Clare at his doorstep. She had on a floral blouse and a navy blue skirt, her hair was pulled back in a way she'd never done it before, and once again, he found her to be beautiful.
This was starting to be a problem.
"Um…Adam's at band practice." He told her, slightly confused as to how she didn't already know that.
Her smile dropped a bit, like she was disappointed, but she stayed, shaking her head a bit. "Yeah…yeah I know. I'm here for you, actually." She told him, her voice getting softer toward the end of her statement, and he raised his brow, looking at her quizzically.
"Me?"
"We never got a chance for you to tutor me, yesterday… so I just thought… today you could help me study."
His features softened at once, and he opened the door just a bit wider, gesturing for her to come inside. He followed her into the living room, and she began flipping through her binder absentmindedly. Everything was labeled and kept under corresponding tabs with worksheets and planners on nearly every page.
"I like keeping things organized." She quipped upon noticing that he'd been staring right at her, and he smirked characteristically, holding up his hands in defense. He liked this, being with her, just the two of them surrounded by still air and only the sounds of their voices. This made him feel safe, but he wouldn't dare tell her something like that.
"Do you want some water or something?" He spoke up, clearing his throat at the end of his sentence when he noticed he sort of blurted it out of nowhere. Clare looked up at him from her bag and nodded sweetly, flashing him a small smile that sent his heart soaring.
He wasn't sure what he was doing, letting himself feel this way, letting himself get caught up in her pretty eyes and electric smile; it was dangerous, so dangerous, especially for him. He hurried to the kitchen, grabbing two bottles of water for the both of them before returning back to where she had set up. Walking in, he noticed the girl sitting on the floor with her legs crossed and he chuckled softly, deciding to join her, though he wasn't sure why she hadn't just taken a seat on the couch she was resting her back on.
He turned to look toward her, catching his breath when he noticed how close they were, their lips were inches apart and for the first time in years, he wondered what it'd be like to lean in and give in to what he'd never admit that he wanted.
She seemed to be doing the same thing, and he caught her glancing between his eyes and his lips for only a split second, before turning toward the table again.
He began to flip through the pages of her binder, telling her all that she'd need to know about complex sentence structures in the French language, but something about her seemed a little off as she nodded along to everything he said.
"I don't think I need to study." She said softly after only about 10 minutes of working, and Eli immediately made more space between them, suddenly embarrassed that he'd made her uncomfortable. He gulped silently, bringing a hand to the back of his neck as he thought back to anything that he could've done to make her want to leave.
His thoughts came to a quick pause when a noticed a coy smile spreading across her lips.
"You've helped so much already…I think I'll be fine now that you've refreshed my memory." She explained, though her reasoning made very little sense.
He let out a breath, relieved that she wasn't running away from him, and feeling somewhat smug for figuring out what was happening here. "Clare Edwards, did you plan this just so you could spend time with me?" Eli chided, feeling more like himself in that statement than he had in a while.
She blushed, reaching across to playfully push his arm, not daring to make eye contact.
"No! I didn't…"
"I'm just teasing, Clare." Eli grinned. His mouth was starting to ache a little bit – he hadn't smiled this much in ages. "I'm just not sure why you'd want to hang around me in the first place. I'm honestly not all that interesting. You'll probably get bored within a few hours."
Clare shook her head, her lips mimicking the large smile he was sporting. He noticed how when she shook her head, her curls bounced just a little. "Now I'm sure when we get bored, we can find something else to do. We could play a game or make something to eat or watch a movie –"
"No," Eli cut her off. Clare wanting to be around him had sparked something in his brain that he hadn't felt in a very long time. It was confidence – or something along the lines of it. He placed his hand over top of hers on the carpet. It was almost like the night before, only their fingers weren't intertwined and his heart didn't feel like it had fallen deep into the pit of his stomach. Things felt okay. Just like how Clare had felt when he'd first met her. Okay. "No, we watch enough movies with Adam. I want to talk with you and… listen to you, not listen to a movie. Is that weird of me to say?"
"No, not at all." The girl's cheeks were turning bright red, her ears burning up in a flustered sort of way. "Adam has a few board games up in his room. We could play Monopoly or Scrabble or –"
"I like Scrabble." Eli stopped her. Clare slowly got to her feet, unfortunately having to let go of the feeling of their hands being close to each other. If it hadn't been obvious already, the two of them were bubbling over with feelings that were comprehensible at this point. The in-like stages.
They didn't have to say anything else other than a smile and a quick scurry upstairs to his bedroom. Clare had almost forgotten that both of the boys shared a room together, and without saying much, or asking for permission, she went into the back of Adam's closet, pulling out the board game and beginning to set it up on Eli's bed on the opposite side of the room. Eli was glad he'd made his bed this morning.
That one thing about Clare, the way she made herself at home without any idea otherwise, Eli liked it a lot. She didn't have to ask too many questions unless it was absolutely needed, and she made things easier for him. He wondered if she thought she had to do these things to help him out, or if it was just in her nature. He assumed it was the latter – and he liked it that way.
He sat down across from her, crossing his legs and leaning slightly against his headboard. And suddenly, a thought sprang its way into his head. Usually it would cause him hurt, but in this case, it made him smirk.
"You know," he started, and Clare glanced up from flipping over the little tiles that's letters were facing upwards, "I haven't had a girl on my bed since grade ten." He chuckled, reaching over to her to pick up his seven tiles. "Actually, now that I think about it – aside from last night, I haven't had a girl in my room since grade ten."
Clare smiled. "If it makes you feel any better, I've never had a boy in my room."
"Seriously?" Eli asked, surprised. She was definitely pretty enough for boys to find interest in her. He was finding interest in her. "That doesn't make any sense." Clare slowly spelled out the word animals on the board all in one move.
"Make sense or not, it's true. Whether it be my overbearing mother, or my abstinence promise, I've never had a boy in my room before." Clare answered casually. She was always easy to open up about things, especially when it was people like Eli, the quiet type – the one that was so undeniably trustworthy. He paused from taking his turn to look up at her curiously.
"Abstinence promise?" Eli pondered. "That means you save your virginity for marriage, right?"
She nodded in agreement. "I was little when I made it, but I still feel like I'm responsible to keep it." Clare twiddled a ring off of her finger, handing it over to him so he could examine it. True Love Waits. "I was probably like eight or nine when they gave this to me, and I know back then I was young and naive… but it feels wrong not to go through with what I promised. Does that make sense? I probably sound silly –"
"It doesn't sound silly." He handed the ring back to her. "It's nice…and refreshing." He fiddled around with his letters some, eventually spelling out sadistic on the end of her animals. "You're nice and refreshing." It was uttered so quietly, but the whole room was silent. She heard him, and she smiled.
"What kinds of music do you like, Eli?" She asked, spelling abridge on Eli's sadistic. Music was often a tough topic when it came to Eli. It was mixed with nerves and memories of Julia or his father, but today things seemed easier, calmer, he was more collected and when Clare asked him questions, he felt weightless. No bad memories to tie him down like those anchors, the ones constantly yanking on his heart.
"A few years ago I liked a lot of punk rock. Hardcore metal… things that my father liked…" he paused, as if searching for a way to describe that his taste in music had evolved greatly since back then. "His radio station played a lot of those sort of things. But my girlfriend, Julia, she liked a lot of indie stuff. I put up with it at first, but after she died – I kind of felt comfort in it. It was like she was still there through music. Through acoustic guitars and soft voices, unlike what I liked – electric guitars and yelling."
Clare gave him a look, giving him a sympathetic smile, but being good enough to let the topic drift away if that's what he wanted. Feeling a surge of what felt like confidence, he sat up a bit straighter, clearing his throat before speaking up again. "How about you? What kind of music do you like?"
"All kinds, I think." She admitted to him with a coy smile, and Eli chuckled to himself as her expression twisted into one of distaste. "Except for the yelling music you mentioned."
He thought it'd be amusing to see Clare listening to any of the stuff he listened to back in his better days. He was almost positive if he checked her collection of albums, he wouldn't be surprised at all, country ballads and happy pop songs that she got ready to in the morning, songs that made her smile that pretty smile and dance like she didn't have anything to worry about.
"It's your turn." She told him, her eyes boring into his.
It scared him to feel so comfortable with her, to think that just an hour ago he was alone, left with those horrible thoughts that he has to chase away with distractions. He was doing so well without the pills, so well on his own, or so he thought.
He was desperate to be like his cousins, to be like Clare. To be happy and okay and normal, but ironically enough, the walls he put up to keep people out ended up being the ones that let the bad thoughts in, and when no one was around to keep him going, the walls would crumble and he'd get sick again, without ever saying a word.
Maybe he knew that what he was doing was wrong, and maybe he just didn't care. Because if he lost it all and died, he'd at least have these moments that mattered, the moments that meant something to him. The moments he spent with Adam playing video games, or movie nights or sitting out at the pond, the studying and the games of scrabble.
These things felt right to him.
But nothing can stay right forever, can it?
Clare knew a lot now, she knew about his father, his girlfriend, and when he'd tried to end his life, but she didn't know he was still fighting. She didn't know he'd try again and again if he really felt he needed to.
Realizing he'd become trapped in his thoughts, Eli shook his head, mustering a grin and set out another word, arranging the tiles so that none of them were crooked, or out of their boxes.
After a while of playing the two seemed to be keeping track of their letters less and less, simply laughing and throwing the tiles at one another when they weren't paying attention.
Clare watched in amusement, resting her chin on her hand as she leaned forward to examine the board. "You're good, Goldsworthy. But not good enough." Clare chided excitedly, playing another word that seemed to send him further and further into defeat.
"Jesus Clare, I didn't even know half of your words existed."
Clare shot him a knowing smile, proud of her extensive vocabulary that she'd developed through years of practice. "Perks of being an aspiring journalist, I guess."
He wondered what that was like, to know exactly what you wanted to be, to get excited and to look forward to a future for yourself.
It all seemed so foreign.
After their game, Clare promptly accepted her victory, giving Eli a sly smile when he suggested they have a rematch someday.
He put the board away, tucking their score sheets in with the tiles to keep for another day, and placing the box back in its place. He feared that maybe this meant she would leave, seeing as how he certainly wasn't bold enough to suggest anything else.
Turning back around, his eyes widened to notice that she was sitting at the head of his bed, looking through the small selection of books on the nightstand that stood just to the right of his pillow. He caught his breath when her dainty fingertips traced over the binding of Great Expectations, and it took all of his strength not to say something, though his fears were soon put to a halt when she skipped over it, finding much more amusement by looking at his Palahniuk collection.
"Do you think we could listen to some of that music you like?" She said softly, finally looking away from his books and locking eyes with him.
He was hesitant, afraid of the music taking him back to a place he didn't want to be, but she was there and so radiant and he didn't want to say no. It took him a moment or two to find his iPod, and he sighed a bit when he noticed the headphones were still plugged in as if he'd just been listening the other day.
He began to hand her the ear buds, and she chuckled softly, reaching out to grab his arm and bring him down onto the bed with her. He sat next to her, their backs resting against the wall, and their legs sticking out and sprawling along his sheets comfortably. Situating one of the tiny buds in her ear, she handed him the other one, and he gulped inaudibly, finding their proximity to be just a little more than distracting. He picked a song at random, and the two jumped when the volume played at its very highest. Laughing softly, he knew immediately what it was, and his memory after all these years didn't surprise him. It was the song Jesus Christ by Brand New, and he immediately looked to her, his lips curling into a small smile as she rested her head on his shoulder.
"I like this," she said softly after a few moments, and Eli found himself looking at her as she listened.
In that single instance, it wasn't about what happened, what the song took him back to, it was all about being right there with the girl who was okay, and who made him feel the same.
His eyes lingered down in between them, noticing as Clare's fingers tip-toed along the blankets, reaching his lanky excuses for fingers. Her small fingers parted his, squeezing in between them and holding onto him tightly. It was like she had read his mind, The warmth of her hand sending chills down the back of his spine. If he was a little less of a baby, he was sure he'd wrap his arms around her in a heated embrace, and kiss her until their lips were swollen.
But he just wasn't up to that level just yet.
The song finally came to a close, fading into another one of Eli's miserable songs coming on next. Songs kept playing, for ages, or so it felt like it. They never moved from their spots, just holding hands in silence while Eli's iPod played song after song. Eli was slightly worried Adam, or Drew, or a parent might walk in and find them so comfortably sitting together – but he was sure this wouldn't happen. Adam said late – Eli assumed this meant even later than Adam assumed late.
"Do you want anything?" Eli asked after a while, tilting his head only slightly just so that he could see the tip of her nose. "Like water or a snack."
There was small break, as if she was hesitating. "Sure, we could get a snack… or something."
But nobody moved.
…
She left around nine. Or maybe it was ten. They had completely lost track of time once afternoon had melted into night. They never really did grow tired of each other, every time they'd run out of something do to – they'd listen to more music. Just sitting there, in utter silence, their bodies so close that they made each other warm… it was nice. Something Eli hadn't felt in a very long time.
They promised to hang out again soon – just the two of them. As much as they both liked having Adam around… this was different. It was peaceful. It was very much like both of them, individually. Like their hearts were intertwined in ways neither of them really knew how to explain. But they liked it, that's all that they knew. When they said goodbye at the door, their hug lingered a little longer than usual. And it wasn't because Eli was holding on, or because Clare was holding on… it was equal. Mutual. God, he almost wished they hadn't let go.
It was probably a few minutes after she'd left the house that Adam returned from his entire day of band practice. He appeared to be exhausted, and all in all, uninterested in anything – but when he saw the curve of a smile stuck to his cousins face, his curiosity got the better of him.
"What are you smiling about?" Adam asked, throwing his legs off of the side of his bed to face his cousin. Eli glanced up from his phone in his hands, his bright smile fading away and blending into an interested glance.
"I'm texting Clare, that's all." Eli answered. His voice was stoic, almost reserved… Adam wondered if Eli was still upset about the night before. They had seemed to work it out, but the uncomfortable lump in the back of this throat said otherwise.
"That's cool." Adam said under his breath. He got up to pace around the room, making it appear as if he was going over some of his video game collection or some of his prizes in science competitions, when in all honesty he was getting cabin fever, cramped up in his bedroom, but he felt awkward leaving Eli in there alone while things were still a little off between the two of them. Adam's eyes suddenly scanned over his closet, noticing one thing was missing from his stack of board games, piled up in the back of the closet. "Uh, dude?" Adam glanced over his shoulder at his cousin who was already preoccupied in his cell phone again. "Did you take something from the closet? I think I'm missing something."
Eli looked up again, pointing to his dresser where Scrabble laid neatly with only a few books stacked on top of it. "Sorry; Clare came over today and we played Scrabble."
"That's cool –" Adam stopped, the realization that Clare and Eli had hung out without him suddenly popping into his brain. "Wait, Clare came over? She knows I have band practice every second Saturday –"
"She came to see me," Eli shrugged, "We listened to music and played Scrabble and stuff like that."
A coy smile curled onto the freckled boy's lips, finally understanding what was going on under his nose. It was like Adam had figured it out before Eli and Clare even had. "Clare likes you." Adam said smugly, crossing his arms across his chest. "I don't know how I didn't see it before, but hell, she must really like you."
"What are you talking about?"
"You're texting her right now, what's she saying?" Adam jumped down on the bed in front of Eli, craning his head over Eli's phone.
"Nothing important or anything. We're just talking about –"
"There!" Adam pointed, smashing his thumb down onto Eli's phone, pressing several buttons at one time. "That's a smiley face. Holy fucking shit, she's into you."
Eli quickly stashed his phone behind his back. "T-That's cool."
Adam's eyes quickly made their way up to his, a cat like grin forming on his lips, though he was already smiling rapidly beforehand. "You like her too, don't you?" Eli looked away. Feelings weren't exactly his number one forte, and this category wasn't particularly his favorite. "You like Clare Edwards!"
"She's okay!" Eli blurted out.
Because she was. She was very okay.
