Freezing metal pressed against Lux's throat, and the icy tendrils shocked her from a restless dream. Her old squad leader's favorite pearl was "Act now, and save the pansy shit for vodka nights." Training swallowed her swelling panic and thrust her senses into overdrive to seek answers. They demanded information.
Her eyes remained closed, and she kept her breathing shallow to hide under the guise of sleeping. A heavy and unsteady breath that did not belong to her hovered near her head, but Lux could hear no other sounds. Her assailant was perhaps alone. She silently cursed that she had loosely listened to Havien that no one would dare to attack one another on the Institute's grounds and so had not kept a weapon under her pillow. Her instructor would flay the skin from her bones if he knew how terribly she had slipped up. For the first time in her life, she was completely at the mercy of someone else. For once, she was not in control, and it might cost Lux her life.
Several excruciatingly slow moments passed with no movement, but the razor-sharp edge remained against her neck. For some reason, though, the simple slice never came. Were they waiting for me to wake and bathe in my last breaths of panic? She dismissed that notion on the premise that the assailant would have tried to stir her from her slumber by now to engage in those sadist behavior. If not that then, perhaps her would-be attacker had doubts about this course of action. She tried to still her mind to get her mental gears rolling, but quiet words came from the shadows and ceased thought.
"What the fuck have you done to me?" the intruder whispered, and she immediately recognized the voice, a haunting contrast to the last time she had heard it. Every detail she had acquired about the Sinister Blade flooded her mind, but nothing added up. This woman was distraught beyond all reason.
Lux pretended to stir from slumber, groggily mumbling, "Katarina?" She made a motion to sit up and fake a stretch, but the dagger pressed forcefully against her kept her in place. "Wh-what is going on?" she stuttered purposefully.
"I asked you a fucking question. What. The fuck. Have you. Done. To me?" the assassin repeated, and her tone gave away the mounting fury beneath the surface. Her fiery hair was in complete disarray, and mounds beneath her eyes revealed she had not yet slept. Lux absorbed the information as quickly as she could, but she could not make sense of it. What have I missed?
"I-I do not understand. I returned to my room after we parted ways and fell asleep," she sputtered and hoped her vulnerability could act as an imaginary shield to buy her time for it was the only option left to her.
"I should have been able to do it. Just flick my wrist and watch you bleed. Watch the red seep into these sheets. Watch the light fade from your eyes as you left this world. But I couldn't. I fucking couldn't," Katarina ranted, and her volume steadily built up.
"I thought we got along well enough. I do not understand," Lux stammered. She prayed that coaxing the Noxian to talk would calm her down enough to guide the conversation to safety, to gain control again. They both knew that before Lux could cast any magic, that dagger would do its job.
The Sinister Blade laughed. It was not the usual, condescending one she used to intimidate her foes on the Fields nor was it the beautiful one she had heard earlier that night. No, this one sounded... broken. It was the kind of laugh one makes when they ran out of choices. "You don't get it, do you?" she said, her voice returning to a shivering whisper. "Never have I been so weak before in my life. I spend more time thinking about your words and actions than paying attention to what's around me. The slightest distraction is the difference between life and death, and you are the greatest distraction I have ever encounter. You've made me disgusting! Soft!" she suddenly hissed, spittle landing on Lux's forehead. "I was warned that you were trouble, that your pretty words would rob me of my strength, but you charmed me to come closer still. You are Demacian scum hoping to cripple Noxus at all costs, and I refuse to allow it to start with me!"
Lux held her breath in shock. There was no way… "Maybe war is not the answer we need," she cautiously commented. "Too many lives are at stake to come to such an end."
"Are you really that fucking stupid? We are destined to war with each other. Only one can truly rule once the other is eradicated. You must die so I can continue."
"We both know that if you were going to kill me, I would have never wakened from that dream," Lux replied, drawing a furious glare from the Noxian. The baseline she had for the woman was not matching the unstable creature that stood before. Logic and reason were bouncing aside her. Katarina was crazy, like an enraged wild beast, and there was – and she stopped herself there. Perhaps against the current was not the way to flow. She was still a human being, contrary to what others like Ezreal that first day might believe. Discover the source and quell it. The gears started turning again.
"Not wanting to kill me does not make you weak. Being kind to someone does not make you soft. On the battlefield, that is one thing, but when fight is over, it is okay. I only fill your mind because I am a new concept. When you first learned a new technique, did you not spend hours trying to perfect it or reflecting on how you could improve? Your thoughts swirled about it. From what you have said, friendship is a new concept, so it is only natural to be curious. Soon enough, I will fade to the back of your thoughts, so there is no reason we cannot be friends."
"Friends? There the Demacian bitch goes again, spouting those pretty little words. You really don't understand. You can't trust anyone more than yourself because that's how you die. You have acquaintances, you have contacts, you have guests. You never have friends. You'll rely on them, and they'll fail you. They crawl inside you and carve you hollow. If you want something done right, you go fucking do it yourself! 'Forever strong' is our motto for a reason. If you needed assistance, then you were too weak to begin with. The strong survive, and the weak's bones are left behind in our wake."
"Surely two people are stronger than one," the mage hopelessly tried, but it was more for guiding the conversation than actual belief.
"I work alone, and that's how it's supposed to be," the assassin returned. For a heartbeat, Lux thought she saw Katarina's eyes water, but a blink restored the fire. "When you're alone, you're always alert. You sleep lightly because you have to keep watch over yourself every night. You have to act now and not ask questions ever. To walk silent, you must walk alone. You lose the adrenaline that keeps your reflexes ready when you rely on someone else. Your thoughts become clouded when there is someone else to always attend to. They are your weakness."
"...I see," she said after a pause.
"You think you understand now? How cute," she said, and again came that vacant laugh.
"I think I do, Katarina, and I think that is why you stayed close to me at all," Lux risked and prayed her bold statement would not be her last.
"I stayed close because you've cast some spell over me. You slipped into my mind and fucked with it. You soothed me with pretty words. I should cut out your tongue."
"I did not cast anything. I only wished to be your friend. You are not spellbound by me, but instead you are bound by your loneliness."
"Loneliness? Don't you dare assume you know!" The knife bore down a little harder, but the light mage leaned her head back to expose her neck vulnerably. The Noxian watched her with a perplexed face, but the fury remained. Another chance was given and still she did not go for the final movement. A distorted sense of hope gave Lux the courage to speak once more.
"You must always be on guard and set an example because you are the icon for your city," she stated somberly, and instantly the woman locked eyes with her. "You must carry around the weight and responsibility that your actions will always reflect your home. You are their prized champion. You cannot simply recite the motto. You have to breathe it!" As she continued speaking, it occurred to her how similar they truly were again, and before she could stop it, she was speaking just as much to Katarina as she was admitting her own life. How easy it was to place herself in the Noxian's shoes!
"Get the hell out of my mind, witch," Katarina hissed again.
"You are the daughter of the great general Du Couteau. As a woman, you had to prove yourself over and over as competent to those above, around, and even those under you. You could not show emotion, for that would prove you were too delicate and unstable for the simplest job they offered. The highest you ever achieved in any of your pursuits is what they expected of you every time beyond that. Should you fall just below, they assumed you were lazy or perhaps incapable. A little too nice, and you were a ditz or a slut. A bit too reserved? An ice queen, but it certainly meant less attention of that variety."
"Just stop."
"Everyone else could fail, but that was not an option for you. You had to prove to them you belonged, that you were right for the job, that you were not capable of weakness. It is why you strike from the shadows. You need to keep them on their toes. Words were your weapon of choice just as much as your daggers. I see how you provoke others in an effort to guide them exactly where you want them, and your sudden flaming tongue certainly makes people dance to your beat. You needed them to fear you to listen. But being feared is a path traveled alone. A hard exterior blocks away the pain, but it isolates you, and no one can save you then."
"Stop talking," she whispered, then compensated by putting more force on the dagger again. Lux gently placed her hand on the one wielding the weapon to her neck, but nothing happened. Lightly she traced her thumb across the other's skin.
"The pressure to be you, I feel it every day too." Water gleamed down her cheek, but Lux refused to hide. Too long had those words been buried to take it all back. "I do not assume I know your life. I only know that your suffering mirrors my own."
"No one can ever know. These feelings... they are signs of weakness." With her other hand, Lux slowly reached up, and her fingers grazed Katarina's cheek. At the touch, the blade twitched and sliced skin over the hollow of her throat, drawing tiny beads of blood. Lux bit her lip to keep from clenching or making a sound. The knife stayed against her neck but did not dig in again. If she had wanted Lux dead, she had been given multiple opportunities and still had not taken them. She reached again for her cheek, and this time held it. They were at the cross-roads again. This was her last chance, and she needed every bit of luck and help she could get.
"I do not care what anyone else has to say, but to have survived as long as we have," she said, changing the pronoun to a collective, "we surely are stronger than they could possibly know. And for us to have come so far without any help demonstrates just how powerful we are, how powerful you are." A warm drop of liquid splashed on her arm, followed by a few more. The woman tried to wipe away the evidence, but Lux felt the truth. "Do not listen to them, Katarina."
"Why the hell can't I just kill you?" she whimpered. "All my problems could just end with you.."
"'cause I'm the only one who sees you for you, and by the gods are you bloody tired of pretending," she answered and dropped all sense of formality. Katarina swayed for a breath's moment before she suddenly crumbled. Her knees gave out, and she slid to the floor in sobs. Lux picked up the forgotten dagger and placed it on her nightstand for safety. She rolled off the mattress and sat beside the breaking assassin. "Come here," Lux whispered in her ear. "It's okay, come here."
Katarina allowed her guard to finally drop and leaned into Lux's embrace. For the first time in the Noxian's life, she allowed herself to be truly human. Not only was she admitting to these truths to herself, but she was also allowing herself to be so vulnerable in front of another. She was allowing another within her walls. An assassin could have silenced her thoughts dozens of times already. Years of training rang warning bells in her mind to cease action, but why should I? And that simple question let loose a waterfall from the dam.
Was there supposed to be pride in how long she could stand the loneliness without cracking? She felt proud of nothing for living in the darkness. If anything, it was bitterness. Was it the paranoia of betrayal that childhood stories had instilled that made her too anxious to approach others? She could not so easily shake those themes and morals away, but maybe they were not the only stories to know. Or was it the fear of rejection, that no one would truly accept her if they knew the things she had done that drove her away from the embrace of others? Silence. For that one question, her mind went blank. She had no answer.
Tear after tear streamed down Katarina's face, but Lux was there, calmly running her hands through her hair. The Demacian was cradling her against her own body while whispering soothing words. Her enemy was comforting her more than anything Noxus had ever offered her. Could her beloved city's standards be wrong - …wrong? Panic pulsed through her system. How could she ever think those words? What happened to her devotion to her country? "Why am I so goddamn weak?" she asked in between huffs, hoping someone, anyone, could save her from her decision. If the Noxian way was wrong, what did that mean?
"You're not weak," Lux murmured and wiped away a tear with her thumb. "It takes someone strong to know when to ask for help."
Strong to seek others?
The Noxian's fingertips delicately traced around the open wound at the base of Lux's throat. "What have I done to you?" she whispered barely above her own breath, and she doubted the light mage had even heard. She withdrew to examine the little patches of blood she had wiped away. The moon's light poured from the prism window above and glittered off the crimson. The sight of blood never disturbed her. It was like paint to an artist, and she was a prodigy. Yet the knowledge that this was her blood, the one who had smiled in the face of all she had done to her and still held her tightly, horrified her. "Blood for Noxus" was always something to bring pride to her, but this? This did not seem right. What even is right anymore?
Disgust and shame stung her eyes once more, and Katarina broke into another round of sobs. The Demacian had no reason to show her such kindness, nor could she gain anything, and yet here she was with her warmth. They both could not be wrong, Lux and Noxus, for they sat on opposing sides. Which was the truth?
"It'll be alright," Lux cooed softly. She felt arms encircle her small frame, and they held that pose as the sobbing continued fiercely. It was not until then that the blonde realized that she did not have to hold this shattered woman. She could easily allow her space and stroke her hair to get a similar effect. Light touches go a long way, and yet… More goes further, she justified. Surely that was the reason. The gears in her head had come to a grinding halt, and thought was a bit difficult. "I promise it's okay now. It's safe here, I swear."
Safety?
To the Noxian, the word was usually an antonym when paired with the presence of another. Even in the presence of her trusted allies, that was not safety. It was a morbid hope that you were more use to them alive than dead and doing everything in your power to ensure you always had a use. But to Lux, what use did she have?
She's a Demacian! They're always scheming something! Like trying to slit people's throats in their own bed. You were acting first. Self-preservation. Who's to say anyone needed to act at all?
At the thought, each of Katarina's successive breaths came quicker than the last until she was gasping for air fruitlessly. Lux hesitated, but then pushed her against the bed frame to straighten her body and airways. "Please, follow the sound of my voice and listen to me. I want you to breathe in until I tell you to stop then slowly exhale, okay? Breath in," Lux began and mirrored the motion, held it, and then released.
Katarina desperately tried to catch Lux's instructions and follow them, but everything became muddled, like running through deep water or through Lux's light orb. The world began to slow and shift to one side before reversing the momentum. Her vision faded in and out with each reversal. Her breaths were shallow, and waves of dizziness washed over her.
All sound was garbled, and she felt… so tired…
"Katarina, please," she faintly heard a familiar voice plead, but it sounded so very far way. Did she even hear it…?
If she could just close her eyes for a moment, perhaps sleep for a moment...
"Stay with me, damnit!" Lux yelled as she shook the redhead's shoulders. Katarina's body shuddered as she took her first real breath. "That's right, Kat." Through Lux's continuous coaching, the woman's tiny, shaky breaths slowed and grew deeper. She held her knees to her chin as she concentrated on evening her still unsteady breathing.
"Do you think you'll be alright?" Lux asked, and there were lines of worry etched into her forehead without her consent.
Katarina nodded slightly.
"Thank goodness," she said as she wrapped her arms around the woman beside her. A silence fell on the room as the two breathed quietly in unison.
"Why did you even bother?" she asked, her voice muffled by Lux's shoulder. "I wanted to torture you until youbegged me for death. Slowly peel the skin from your bones to see what made you tick so I could maybe understand. Look at what I already did to you. You had absolutely no reason to give a shit. I don't understand. It goes against everything Noxus stands for."
"Maybe we should take with a grain of salt what our cities have taught us," she said before she filtered the words. "There may be truth somewhere to be found in their teachings, but they can't all be true. They say Noxians don't have respect for life and should be eradicated before they destroy us. And yet, here I am, and here you are. Do you still wanna kill me?"
"No... I don't," came a timid reply. "I probably would have died there if it weren't for you." The Noxian relaxed her body and released her knees, though she kept them loosely up against her chest. Her head leaned against the bed again and stared at the ceiling. "What a stupid-ass way to bite the dust, huh?"
"Yeah. 'The Sinister Blade Chokes on Tears.' What a great headline." The atmosphere lightened for a moment as they shared a distracting giggle. "Have you always hyperventilated when you cry too hard?"
"No," she simply replied, and the Demacian nodded her head. She was rather stunned when more words followed. "Then again, I never cried like that before. Or cried ever, actually."
"You've never cried before?" she asked incredulously, and her eyes widened with sincerity.
"Wasn't ever allowed to."
"…a sign of weakness?"
"Yeah," Katarina swallowed to push the lump in her throat down, but it did not exactly work. She felt Lux's eyes taking her in and focused on learning every detail of the ceiling. Anything to keep from looking at her. "If I showed weakness, I showed Noxus was weak."
"Demacia is kinda the same way. The representation thing."
"I was never supposed to cry. Then you had to go and fuck it up," she said quietly, then somewhat pulled a corner of her mouth upward for a half-grin.
"I'm glad someone was with you when you had your first sobfest," Lux joked.
"I'm glad you were there for my first sobfest. Anyone else, I think it would have gotten messy. As in, I would've cut their tongue out to keep them from telling anyone. Carpets absorb an obnoxious amount of blood sometimes."
"…are you planning on that for me?"
"I dunno yet. You gonna tell anyone?" the redhead teased, and Lux paused to consider her words. The gears clicked one spot at a time, trying to roll onward.
"I think your words are pretty safe with me." She offered a gentle smile.
"Then I suppose I won't."
"Next time, though, we can do without being held at knife-point, right?"
"Stop taking the fun out of it," she chuckled briefly before the moment slipped away. "I... am sorry for tonight. I still don't know what to make of this. I've never felt lost before."
"Never felt it or never admitted to it? Those are pretty different." The silence from the Noxian told her more than any actual answer could have told her. "There are some things that I have come to disagree with Demacia, but it doesn't mean I love her any less," Lux said, words leaving her tongue before she had the chance to evaluate them properly. "There will always be points that I can't follow her with, but I will still defend her with my life. I don't know if it's enough, but I refuse to completely turn against her. Perhaps you could find a way to temper the Noxian way with your own beliefs?"
"...Perhaps."
Finally the gears worked through the mental sludge. "Maybe we can find the path together," Lux beamed.
"How can we stay friends?" she asked, and the blonde sagged her shoulders, careful to not reveal the pleasure that the woman implied an existing friendship. "I can't be seen with you anymore. I've been warned to... ignore you."
"Ignore?" She knew exactly what it was that Katarina was implying, but she was curious if the assassin would say it.
"Well, not exactly…"
"Then what?" the mage pressed harder, though still keeping her tone innocent.
"I had orders. If I couldn't dissolve whatever it is we have, I had to remove you somehow."
"Oh… That's why you were avoiding me?"
"Yes."
"Why avoid when the simple solution was to remove?"
"I… don't know." Lux ran her hand through those red locks again before thinking about her actions. Easily she justified that perhaps this would ease Katarina into speaking more. "Respect? A warrior's code? I dunno. I had the words a moment ago."
"I think I know what you mean. Your respect conflicted with the action, so you tried simply avoiding me to uphold both sides."
"Exactly."
"And the one who… suggested that. You mean the person who was watching us earlier?"
"Yes. That person would probably push for my execution if he found out that not only had I failed to assassinate a target like you, which could give Demacia righteous grounds to declare war on us, but that I disobeyed a direct order and questioned N-." She cut herself off before she finished the phrase. She was not ready to release it into the air and let it become alive. "To breathe a word of protest is enough for treason. And this man... his greatest paranoia is with concerns to loyalty, and disobeying, no matter how trivial, means you are no longer loyal. I've personally removed threats for him." She shuddered as she considered the possibilities.
"Then what he doesn't know won't hurt him, or you," Lux playfully chimed. "You've sneaked out of his gaze twice already tonight. Come by every so often like tonight. Only leave your killing urges at the door. I do need my beauty rest, after all."
"I'll say," Katarina deadpanned, and the blonde scowled along playfully.
"But please. Do come see me. For as many people as there are here, it gets… lonely," she pleaded, and again she found that she did not have to put forth much effort.
The Noxian stared at her enemy – her friend – and understood precisely what she meant."I'll see what I can do. I can't guarantee when I'd drop in or for how long. But... it maybe would be nice to see you again." Their eyes meet once more, and this time they both smiled. There was something strange, a mounting tension in her heart. Friendship was odd. "Also, it's adorable listening to you curse," she teased, desperately seeking a break. "I hope that if I stick around long enough, you'll talk like a sailor coming in for a drink at a bar."
"I curse only when it's necessary!" she defended and drew another laugh from her friend.
Katarina rose to her feet and grabbed her weapon from the nightstand. The weapon was then sheathed, and, as an afterthought, she leaned down and delicately kissed the crown of Lux's head. "Thank you, Lux. Get back to your beauty sleep. Valoran knows you desperately need it," she whispered before she vanished into the shadows.
The Demacian sat against the bed frame and held her head in her hands. The room felt so different now that she was alone. The moon's arc came to an end and began its descent. Lux sat in the rainbow's light, but it did nothing for her.
What have I done?Between life and death, life was the better option regardless of its stipulations, but she could imagine the reactions to her report for the evening. Maybe she would leave out the part where she saved the Noxian's life.
A pang of shame smacked her as she realized she was considering covering up her actions from her superiors. She dismissed the idea and decided to weave the story to be more in her benefit. If Katarina had suffocated beside her bed, that would have raised too many questions that would have interfered with her task, not to mention the ramifications for Demacia to be linked with a Noxian death. Not only that, but it would secure her a closer connection with the assassin, ensuring objectives would be completed.
But what about Katarina? the softer and kinder side of her voiced, and the calculating part hushed her, but not too harshly. Masks and roles only worked if the other person believed, and if the wearer believed, then they always did too.
The weary woman sighed and climbed to her feet. She bumped the back of her desk twice as she retrieved her quill. She had to record all the night's details before she forgot.
