God Loves Ugly ~ Jordin Sparks

I stood in front of the mirror again, glaring balefully at my reflection.

What I saw depressed the hell out of me.

My weight had always been a sore point for me...as had the rest of my appearance.

When I was in high school I was rather proud of my body – everything was perfect in my eyes. There were always things about myself that I would have loved to change about myself, but I used to think that everyone felt that way about themselves...that was until college and I met my two best friends, Rosalie McCarty and Alice Whitlock.

They were both perfect and had married the men of their dreams. I, on the other hand, had done little more than casually date. Either the guy would get tired of my insecurities and leave or I would get frightened by the prospect of staying with someone who would end up leaving me as soon as he saw me naked.

Like I said before, I used to be proud of my body...then my parents divorced, my father was shot and killed in the line of duty while on patrol as the chief of police in my little hometown, my idiot brother went looking for our father's murderer and damn near got himself killed in the process, my first serious boyfriend went off and cheated on me with one of my best friends, Leah, and last but not least, I was raped by a friend of my late father, who told me repeatedly during the attack that he loved fat girls...which was why he chose me.

After that fiasco, my depression made itself known.

In an attempt to hide from the pain, I turned to my comfort foods...anything fried...or sugary...or fattening.

It was nothing for me to put down an entire package of bacon...or a whole bucket of KFC Original Recipe.

Alice, Rosalie and Angela (my best friend in high school aside from Leah) watched as my weight began to skyrocket.

Because of the influx, my clothes wouldn't fit me anymore, which also caused my depression to get worse as well.

They tried, God love them, to get me to go to the gym. They tried to get me to leave the house more often under the rouse of needing someone to walk with them around the mall. They tried to get me to eat healthier. They tried to get me to go see a therapist.

I tried therapy which, to my utter dismay, only made things worse.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen tried his damnedest to get me on medication for my depression, but all they succeeded in doing was making me gain more weight.

I wasn't on the meds for long after I realized that they helped me pack on an extra forty pounds with no help from me.

After going off of the medication, the girls became more concerned because I was no longer even making the attempt to be social – not even with them – anymore.

At my absolute worst, I began to go to Over Eaters Anonymous. Dr. Cullen was thrilled. It seemed that, with the help of the group, I was beginning to make some headway.

I began to walk around the walking track at the city park and although I hurt like a bastard for days after these walks, I became addicted, in a sense, to the exercise.

The weight started to drop off slowly, but any progress was appreciated at that time.

After about a year of walking at the park, the weight just stopped coming off. The depression came back with a vengeance. It seemed that no matter how much I walked, I was at a standstill with my weight loss.

I went to see Dr. Cullen about trying something to help the extra pounds come off, but nothing that he gave me to try would help.

I was stuck at 187 pounds.

During the worst of the depression from my inability to lose the weight, I met someone on the walking track.

Edward Masen walked several miles a day and it showed.

In the beginning we never said anything to each other...but as things of that nature do – the silence didn't last.

After we started talking, he did something that very few people were able to do: he broke down my walls so that I could speak to him candidly about how I felt.

He would listen to me cry, complain and rant about my weight and sympathetically would nod and murmur his understanding. I don't see how he could understand where I was coming from. He had never weighed more than 150 pounds his entire life – and most of it was muscle. He was built like a sculpture of the most amazing male specimen ever to walk the Earth.

The closer we became, the more about my self-depreciating side he learned.

He tried being tactful, saying I was beautiful and complementing me as much as he was able.

The only thing that successfully did was make my trust in him steadily decline. It also made me feel worse that what I had originally started out feeling.

There was no way this masterpiece thought I was beautiful. Anybody in their right mind could see how disgusting I was.

There were days when I had no desire to get out of bed at all, knowing he would be waiting for me at the track to fill me with more empty compliments.

Today, I threw on my favorite pair of jeans and a large t-shirt. I haphazardly tossed my hair up into something resembling a ponytail. I didn't bother with makeup – I had no one to look good for, so it was pointless.

When I arrived at the park, I saw Edward waiting at our spot, completely at ease talking to a middle aged woman who was also big.

I saw red.

I felt betrayed. Granted, we weren't dating or anything of that sort, but it would have been nice to know that he didn't spew that 'beautiful' bullshit to just any random fat ass that he ran into at the park.

I stood there for a few more seconds until he reached up and tucked a few loose strands of hair behind her ear.

My temper got the best of me and before I knew fully what I was doing, I approached the track – taking off into a sprint the second my feet touched the asphalt.

I ran right past the two of them, not glancing in their direction...even when Edward called my name. I just ran faster.

After I had run a complete lap and was nearing where they were still standing, an unreadable expression on both of their faces, I knew I had to acknowledge him standing there.

I did my best rendition of a smile and gave a half-hearted wave as I approached them.

"Bella," Edward greeted me, a tone in his beautiful voice that I had never heard before, "What in the hell was that? I called out to you and you just kept running."

His head was cocked to the side and my anger was picking up steam.

"Sorry," I replied, even though my voice said anything but an apology, "I didn't hear you. I see you have company...and I need to finish my laps so that I can go home, so I'll see you later?"

His eyes flashed at my best attempt of a brush off I could manage.

"My company, Bella, is my mother. I know that you've been having some trouble with your weight and figured that if you ever needed to talk to someone who is going through the same things you are, she would be a good one to talk to. She has struggled with her weight since she was a teenager and she could be a perfect shoulder to lean on. Bella, this is Elizabeth, my mother. Mom, this is Bella, the woman I have been telling you about."

I stood there with my mouth agape, unable to say hello to this woman who I had been envisioning as a threat to my happy solitude with Edward. Our walks were the one bright spot to my days.

She stepped forward to me looking a bit timid – just what I needed, to scare the mother of my walking partner.

"Hello Bella," the musical quality of her voice was entrancing, "As Edward said, I have had weight issues since I was a young girl. As I got older, the weight seemed to be having a fat party in my body and inviting all of it's friends. It seems I have tried every diet and medication on the market; the only thing I successfully accomplished in that was that I almost killed myself. It took a looong time, but with the help of Edward's father, Edward Sr, I was finally able to see the beauty in myself. I can actually go shopping for clothes without having an emotional breakdown in the dressing room. I now know that no matter how "big" I get, Edward Sr will always love me. He believes in me, no matter if I'm in sweats, no make up and jacked up hair or if I'm in a ball gown with every hair in place and perfect make up. His belief in me is all that matters. At the end of the day, he believes I'm perfect and I'm good with that."

She winked at me, "And apparently, my Edward Jr takes after his dad. He has come to the house in a wreck over you, girlie. It kills him that you feel so badly about yourself and he wants to change your opinion of yourself so desperately that he has talked to me at length on ways to make you feel beautiful. Sweetheart, you really ARE a beautiful girl...I don't see how you don't see it yourself."

I stood dumbfounded with tears streaming down my face. This woman didn't even know me and she took time out of her day to come and console me. Before I knew what was really happening, I was telling them both the unabridged version of my life story, only stopping when the emotions got so much for me to handle that I had to break down in sobs.

The twin looks of horror on their faces when I was finally done made me feel even worse.

Finally, Elizabeth spoke, "Bella, darling, look at me," she put her hand under my chin to pull my gaze to hers, "the man that did that to you, the issues that he had were HIS, please don't give him the power to make them yours. He was a sick man, who I hope has gotten the justice he deserves. You are a beautiful woman. You have completely bewitched my son...and that is no small feat. I like to think that he takes after his father and looks for the true beauty in people. His romantic life has been hell because of meddling friends. All he has been looking for all this time was a woman who would love him for him, not for what he could do for her – what he could give to her. I can't tell you how many women have used him for status and material possessions. I worry about him finding true love. He has a feeling about you...and I think he may be correct. I really do wish that you can let go of your insecurities and let him love you. I think you may find that is all that's been missing in your life."

She patted my knee and rose to her feet from the grassy area that we had been occupying. Elizabeth motioned to Edward for him to walk her to her car and he quickly followed her away from me with a glance over his shoulder and a short, "Sit still, Bella, I will be right back."

I sat twisting blades of grass in between my fingers trying to absorb the knowledge she had just dropped on me and finding myself still silently crying.

I was so lost in my thoughts and internal rambling that I hadn't noticed that he had come back to join me.

"Bella," the sound of my name on his tongue sounded like a whisper of silk over bare skin.

I raised my bloodshot eyes to his and the breath was stolen from my lungs at the sheer amount of emotion I saw in them.

"Bella," he repeated, this time so close to me that his lips brushed lightly against my own, "My mother was being completely honest. I have found myself so smitten with you that I had no idea what I could do to get you to see yourself the way I see you. If you could just have some confidence in that God doesn't make mistakes, nor does he make trash. It's society's views on everything that makes us consider people ugly or beautiful. See yourself as I see you...as God sees you. You are an incredible woman to have made it as far as you have in one piece. You are strong. You are brave. You are kind...even through moments in your life that would reduce any normal person to ashes of their former self! Everything that you've experienced in your life has brought you one step closer to me and, though I'm sad that they were hard and heartbreaking, I am extremely thankful for them."

He stopped long enough to pull away from me and look deep into my eyes.

"Will you let go of your insecurities so that I can love you the way you deserve to be loved? Hell, I have found myself turning down dates that my friends try to set me up on, citing that I'm already dating someone. Did you know that for all intents and purposes, we have been dating for about four months now?"

He laughed heartily and I found myself laughing too.

"Well, if we've been dating, I think I may have slept through most of it," I said with a smile, glad that my eyes were finally drying up on me, "isn't it traditional for the guy to actually ASK the girl though?"

A mischievous glint appeared in his eye as he pulled me to my feet then knelt in front of me.

My mouth dropped open and all I could find myself thinking was: NOT THAT! NOT THAT!

He took both of my hands in his and with all the emotion in his eyes, he asked, "Bella, will you...make me the happiest man of all time and...go out with me?"

My breath left my lungs in a happy whoosh and shyly I replied, "I think that could be arranged."

He laughed loudly and stood up, grabbing me in his arms and twirling me as if I weighed nothing.

Fast forward two months and here I am, glaring at my reflection like it would immediately drop sizes from my frame.

Edward has been waiting for me in the bedroom for the past forty-five minutes patiently, while I war with myself on whether or not I can bring myself to go out in the room with him.

For the past two months, Edward has been the perfect gentleman, never once pressuring me for anything I wasn't ready to give him.

The past two months have been torture for me. I have wanted nothing more than to have him make love to me and every time we make out, it gets so close to being physically intimate that I freak out. The first time it happened, he brushed the skin of my stomach under my shirt and I spent the next five hours in the bathroom bawling my eyes out. Edward felt so guilty that he bought me a necklace. I, in turn, felt so guilty, that I avoided him for the next week, only speaking to him when he would break the silence with intermittent text messages.

He has been so careful with me that my heart swells every time I think about it.

Tonight was the night.

I was going to woman the fuck up and go out there and make love to my boyfriend.

If I could ever get up the courage to take off this robe and walk out there to him.

After another five minutes, Edward knocked quietly on the door, "Bella. Baby. We don't have to do this tonight. I can very easily get dressed, we can go into the living room and watch a movie. As much as I would love to show you the physical aspect of my love for you, it's not more important than your comfort. Baby?"

"I'm on my way out, Edward," I said, my voice nearly begging him, "please go lay down."

I heard his footsteps retreating from the door.

See, Bella, I internally chided myself, this is why you're going to man the fuck up and go out there. Edward is waiting on you. He has been more than patient. He has seen you in a bathing suit, for Christ sakes, there's nothing much left that he hasn't seen. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. The. Bathroom. Now.

I took a shuddering breath and stepped to the door, my silk robe wrapped tightly around my body – my last defense against him seeing me completely naked.

I smiled lightly as I heard the faint and heartbreakingly romantic music coming from the speakers around the room.

He knew I loved Kenny G for romantic moments.

My throat constricted as I thought of him doing all of this for me – making sure that my first time with him was beautiful and wonderful and romantic...even the lights were low...candles were everywhere.

I raised my eyes to the bed where he was lounging against the headboard, completely naked.

A tear escaped my eye as I took in his fantastic body. My momentary confidence wavered as I thought of what I would look like next to all that perfection.

The tear did not escape his notice and he rose from the bed in one fluid motion and glided over to me.

"Baby, I meant what I said," he said reassuringly, "If you're not ready, I can wait."

He looked deeply into my eyes as I felt my resolve strengthen.

Apparently, he saw all he needed to see, because in the next moment, he slowly began to kiss me and replaced my hands with his own. I clamped my eyes shut as Edward pulled back from me just enough to allow himself the opportunity to watch as he undressed me.

I felt the belt loosen and his hands move up near the top of the robe, pulling the front open slowly.

I didn't hear or feel anything for long moments and I finally opened my eyes to see what was going on, even as my heart was clenching in my chest at the thought of him being repulsed by me.

I didn't expect to see his amazing green eyes in a dark shade that I had never seen on him before. His breathing was harsh and his eyelids were heavy.

He had been waiting for me to open my eyes.

In a deep, husky voice that I had never heard from his lips before, I heard him breathe, "Baby, you're exquisite. I would love nothing better than to touch you. May I?"

I nodded my head almost imperceptibly and immediately felt his warm hands start at my both sides of my neck and slowly work their way down to cup my breasts. He watched as he gently rubbed his thumbs over my nipples and how they hardened at his touch. My breath began to speed up as he lowered his head to one of my breasts and toyed with the nipple with his tongue.

His eyes rose to mine as he licked and sucked his way across my chest to the other breast.

My heart was beating so fast in my chest that I was sure he could hear it.

As he continued his attentions on my chest, his hands continued downward, over my stomach, around to my sides and down to my hips, where they finally rested for a moment.

"So beautiful," he whispered as he lowered his head to kiss my stomach.

I was quivering so badly under his touch that I was beginning to fear I would shake myself apart.

Edward stood up to his full height before putting both hands under my ass and lifting, holding me to him as he made his way back to the bed.

Laying me down as gently as he could on my back, he knelt at the edge of the bed, letting his eyes dance all over my naked form and although I felt a little nervous at how he would respond, I couldn't help the tremor that passed through me as I looked him over and noticed his lower half responding to the sight of my naked flesh.

He noticed where my gaze was, gently lowered himself over me and breathed into my ear, "Do you see how desirable I find you, Bella? My body would never react this way if I didn't see you as beautiful. Please believe that I have never seen another woman so beautiful as you."

He kissed my lips for an indescribable moment before moving to my neck.

"I know you have a hard time believing how special you are to me. Let me explain as I show you."

He placed his mouth on my breasts again and I found myself arching into his touch. He placed his hands where his mouth had just been and said in a breathy voice, "I know how you feel about your breasts, but let me tell you what I see when I look at them," he began to play softly with my nipples and palmed the skin, "I see the chest that you will console me with when I'm having a bad day; a pillow that I can rest my head on when I'm feeling vulnerable; and later, these breasts will help sustain our children until they are able to eat formula and solid food."

He moved his hands in whisper-soft motions down to my stomach where he placed a kiss before continuing, "I know how you hate your stomach but this is what I see when I look at it: I see the place that will house our children for nine months; I see womanly curves that will drive me wild when I see them until I have the pleasure of touching them."

Edward placed his hands on my too-wide hips and massaged them as he looked into my eyes, "These hips will help stabilize your body while you are pregnant with our children and give them support so that they don't hurt you; these hips will also swing to entice me when you're feeling playful or flirty."

Finally, he placed his hands on my thighs, another really sore point for me, "Your thighs. God, your thighs. These thighs will wrap around me when we are making love, keeping me inside of you and making you feel tighter to intensify the feeling of our love-making; they will also drive me insane when I see them in a pair of shorts, knowing that only hours, days or weeks before, they were wrapped around my waist as you came undone."

"Can you now see that when I look at you, I can't help but to find you the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth?" He was looking at me so openly I found myself tearing up at his beautiful words.

"Bella, baby, please tell me that you can see what I see?" he begged, his voice still so honest that I couldn't help but to imagine all of the wondrous things he envisioned.

I could easily see myself round with his child and I knew, deep down, that he would love me no less than what he does now. Even if the baby weight never came off, he would still look at me and see all the things that my body has given him.

"I understand now, Edward. God, I'm so sorry how I've been acting – I'm truly ashamed of myself," I murmured, more tears sliding down from my eyes and into my ears, "I should have given myself more credit than what I have."

A look of unadulterated relief washed over his face as he leaned down to kiss my tears away.

"I love you, Bella. Ever since I first saw you on that track, I knew you'd be the woman to turn my life from solitude to the happily ever after my mother has wanted so desperately for me. I loved you from that very first moment. And now, this is the best night of my life...so far," he whispered before he slowly slid himself into me.

The bliss of knowing that we were becoming one entity was pure and overwhelming. I gasped and moaned as he took long, slow strokes inside of me. Our bodies rocked together in an unhurried rhythm as we both reached the precipice of our impending climaxes.

With each stroke and thrust, I found myself cling harder to him until I felt like I was trying to climb into his skin.

As our respective worlds completely shattered around us, I felt a perfect sense of completion that I had never felt before.

As he waited inside of me for our breathing to even out he kissed me sensually, murmuring his love for me against my lips.

Finally, he rolled to the side, gathering me into his arms where sleep swiftly claimed us.

Several hours later, I awoke with the need to use the bathroom. I wiggled out of his grasp and walked to the bathroom as quietly as I could – even closing the door before turning the lights on so as not to wake Edward.

When my eyes adjusted to the light, I realized I was facing the large mirror in the bathroom.

I took a good, hard, long look into the mirror. I could see the effect Edward's love had on my body. My lips were slightly swollen from the passionate kisses I had received a couple of hours prior when Edward and I had woken up. His need for me was insatiable. Our joining this time was primal, needing to please the other as much as possible. The orgasm was blinding. I saw spots before my eyes.

My cheeks were still flushed from the memory of his powerful thrusts into my body.

My collarbones had slight bruises from where Edward has sucked hickeys all along them in the heat of the moment.

My breasts looked fuller through my new eyes. I caressed my stomach, remembering the way his touch danced all over it's surface and I found myself eager to get back to the bed so that I could be back with him.

I finished my inspection just in time for a face to appear over my shoulder as Edward pressed the entire length of his body to mine, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me tightly to his body.

"See, Bella? You are gorgeous. And you're all mine. ALL MINE," he growled playfully into my shoulder.

Still standing facing the mirror, I watched as his hands roamed my body, touching all of the places I had loathed only hours before and realizing that I was satisfied with my body...obviously, it was perfect enough to grab Edward's attention.

My eyes rolled into my head as his hands grazed over my overly sensitive breasts and down to the one place I was still aching for him, even though I had just had him several times.

I stood there, watching as his fingers disappeared into my heat over and over again until my legs felt so weak that I needed to brace myself against the counter with my arms so Edward wouldn't have to completely support all of my weight.

"Bella," Edward growled at me, snapping my attention to his face in the mirror, "watch as you come undone around my fingers. See how beautiful you are when you are in the throes of your orgasm. If I thought you were beautiful before, I had never seen anything more perfect in my life. Watch."

I met my eyes in the mirror and watched as my lips parted to let the pants escape them. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on for much longer. He had already learned so much about my body; he was playing it like a finely tuned instrument.

My face flushed as he brought his fingers up to my clit, working fast and furious circles over the sensitive nub. My knees began to buckle and I moaned loudly when Edward reached around my waist to grip me tighter to him.

A few more circuits and I was done for. I watched as my head fell back minutely to his shoulder; my parted lips; my heavy-lidded eyes, my flushed skin.

He was right...his love made me more beautiful than I had ever imagined myself.

A/N: Okay, so that ended kinda not where I thought it would...but these damn things write themselves sometimes. Oh well. If you've never heard this song, you really do need to head on over to youtube and check it out. It is still one of the very few songs that no matter how many times I hear it, it still makes me cry and breaks my heart. I think it's a song that everyone should listen to and take to heart, cause no matter how beautiful a person is, I don't think anyone's truly happy with how they look...and it turned out that this one was a bit harder for me to write because I had to pull from some of my own insecurities to make Bella's issues more believable.

Also, I know that the second part of the song is directed at God (I think) but it seemed to me that this Bella needed to see that Edward saw inside of her and still believed she was beautiful even after everything she had been through in her life...and like I said, these things do write themselves sometimes.

I have taken some time away from the original idea of this challenge because there seem to be too many good songs out there that call to me. I have two more o/s's finished for this challenge to kinda get the edge on this, so that I can hopefully start updating more regularly...we will see how that works. (Thank God for wi-fi hot spots!)

As it stands, I have 103 songs that I want to write about, not including the *N SYNC ones, I have each of them in a folder all of their own so that I can just pull each one up and go from there.

Until next time *~*

Kelly

Ps, I know that I have epically failed each and every one of you by not updating and for that I am truly sorry. Please leave me a review – even if it's cussing me out for the exorbitant length of time between updates – just to let me know that you're still there. Also, I would love for you to let me know of any songs that are out there that speak to you or are special to you so that I can check them out and see if I could do them any justice. :)

Lyrics

You said that I wasn't pretty

So I just believed you

And you said that I wasn't special

So I lived that way

With critical gazes and brutal amazement

At how my reflection could be so imperfect

With all of my blemishes

How could somebody want me?

But God loves ugly

He doesn't see the way I see

Oh God takes ugly

And turns it in to something that is beautiful

Apparently I'm beautiful

'Cause you love me

(woah, oh)

I tried to clean up the outside

All shiny and new

Worked overtime to thin up and look right

But inside I knew

That deep in the bottom were secrets

I thought I could try to ignore

Old ghosts in my corridors

Never get tired of haunting the past that's in me

But God Loves ugly

He doesn't see the way I see

Oh God takes ugly

And turns it into something that is beautiful

Apparently I'm beautiful

'Cause you love me

Help me believe

Why you love me

When I know you see

You see everything

Help me believe

Why you love me

When I know you see

Inside and you still say I'm beautiful

You're telling me I'm beautiful

You're screaming out I'm so beautiful

And I'm finding out I'm beautiful

You're making me so beautiful

And I can see...

I'm beautiful

'Cause you love me

(woah, oh)