He woke up to the sound of fireworks. It startled Sid awake and he nearly would have rolled off the bed if Stinky hadn't been a barrier. Sid rubbed his head and groggily remembered that it was the 4th of July. He looked over at Stinky, who was still sound asleep. That kid could sleep through anything.
Sid sat up and pulled his knees up, then encircled them with his arms. He laid his head down and wished he could fall back asleep, but his heart was racing too fast. So he watched Stinky sleep for a while. He watched his chest rise and fall rhythmically with each breath and he smiled a little at the peaceful expression Stinky wore.
Finally, Sid got up and threw on an old t-shirt, then went to go take care of the horses. Normally, his grandma would have people ride them in the parade, but that wasn't going to happen this year. He was just keeping them in the barn, because he didn't want anything to happen to them if they spooked from the loud noises of the fireworks. Sid didn't even know if he wanted to go to the parade. It was just a bunch of sitting in the hot sun watching girl scouts and fire trucks go by.
After some deliberation, Sid saddled up the old horse he had ridden many times before and took off for a ride. He was sure that this horse was placid enough to deal with the sudden bangs. He was going to be miserably sore when he got back, but it felt good to ride. He wished that he had been able to take more riding lessons.
But he shouldn't dwell on the past. He couldn't change it, so why worry about it? All he had to worry about was the future. Things were starting to look up. He was feeling better. His mind was clearer. So maybe he still drank and did pot, but he felt like he had a grip on it. Maybe he would even quit smoking... sometime. But right now, he didn't feel like any of that stuff had control over him. It could very well still control him, yet he was still feeling in control... he wouldn't worry about it right now. Today was going to be a good day, he could tell.
Sid rode back to the house and took care of the old horse, then walked whistling into the kitchen. He made a breakfast of French toast for the both of them. Stinky came downstairs just as Sid was washing off his plate.
"You're in a good mood," Stinky commented, sitting down at the table.
Sid shrugged, "I just feel like it'll be a good day. Do you want to go to the parade?"
"Nah. Maybe we should jus' go to the carnival," Stinky said with his mouth full.
"Sure, sounds good," Sid said.
That afternoon, the two got in Stinky's truck and headed to town. The carnival was set up in the town's square. It was already crowded, full of teenagers and families with crying kids. Sid's first thought was that he wished he was drunk, but he pushed that thought out of his head. He was here with Stinky. The loud kids would go home soon. No one here knew him. It was okay.
"Let's go on that," Stinky pointed to the scariest looking ride he saw.
Sid followed the line of his finger. It was a ride that consisted of a giant conveyor belt with little cars that spun around mercilessly as the conveyor belt moved.
"Looks like a good way to throw up," Sid muttered, but Stinky was already halfway to the ride.
It was hard to see inside the car (it was completely enclosed in mesh), so Sid wound his arm around Stinky's and gripped the safety bar as hard as he could. The ride started.
"This isn't so bad," Sid started to say, but the ride picked up speed, and they were spun violently around in circles, round and round, until the sky and ground were one big teal streak. "I think I'm gonna puke."
Stinky was laughing and having a grand time. Sid only thought about one thing: keeping his lunch where it belonged. When the ride finally slowed down and the two were allowed off, Stinky was still laughing. Sid was sure he was a nice shade of green. He had no idea which way was up, the world was still rotating.
"I am not getting on that again," Sid stumbled around until Stinky caught him and held him upright.
"Really? That was a barrel o' fun," Stinky said laughingly.
"You're lucky I didn't spew all over you," Sid muttered.
"Fine, let's go on sommin' different," Stinky said.
They spent the next few hours riding rides and heckling annoying teenagers. Sid regained his appetite enough to enjoy the carnival food, even though it made him feel sick all over again. Finally, the fun of the carnival had been exhausted, and the two decided to go back home.
Sid held Stinky's hand most of the car ride back. He wondered what things would be like once they got back home. How would he be able to see Stinky in the same eyes as before, knowing how they were, and what they could have been?
Stinky must have noticed Sid gripping his hand tighter, or maybe he even noticed the worried look on Sid's face, because once the two were home, Stinky gave Sid a quick, sweet kiss. Sid, however, pushed him away. Stinky looked confused.
"What's it, Sid? Do ah have corndog breath?"
"No," Sid shrugged. "Nothin' Stinko. I'm gonna go smoke."
Sid's stomach flipped when he saw the corner's of Stinky's mouth pull into a frown, but he fished his pack of Camels out of his pocket anyway. A few seconds later, he was outside taking a drag and instantly felt better. Sid breathed out a cloud of smoke and anxieties.
"I wanna see what's so great about these things," Stinky said suddenly, startling Sid.
Sid looked behind him and saw Stinky standing there. Stinky sat next to Sid on the steps. Sid silently handed him the pack and his lighter. Stinky plucked an orange tipped stick from the box and stuck it between his lips. He flicked the lighter for about a minute before he managed to get his cigarette lit. He took a drag and Sid watched, waiting to see what would happen.
"Damn," Stinky screwed up his face as he accidentally blew smoke out his nose, "you like smokin'?"
"Well, I do it all the damn time," Sid said.
"I thought maybe you was addicted," Stinky didn't take another drag on his cigarette.
Sid flicked ash off his own cigarette and watched the little, white flakes drift down. He brushed off the ones that landed on his jeans. "I dunno, I don't hafta smoke. I don't hafta do it, if I can't do it I don't get cranky or anything. I'm not addicted," Sid said nervously. It came out sounding more like he was trying to convince himself.
"It's a bad habit, Sid," Stinky said, and tentatively tried taking another drag.
"Yet here you are," Sid said.
Stinky just shrugged. Sid finished his cigarette and was tempted to light another, but he stopped himself. He had just said he wasn't addicted, so what was not smoking one cigarette? Stinky snubbed his half smoked cigarette on the ground. Sid got up and so did Stinky.
There was a valley between them, a disconnect, something that Sid felt he could not breech. He had created it when he pushed his friend away. Sid took a deep, wavering breath.
"Why are you doing this, Stinky? Why are you staying here with me? Being like this with me?" Sid asked.
"Why does it matter?"
"Because... I don't know! Fucking... it just does, okay? I want to know," Sid spluttered.
"You're just gonna make a big deal outta nothin' if I tell you," Stinky said.
"No, I won't," Sid promised.
"Fine, then, Sid. I'll tell ya. I just plain don' know. I can't say why I'm doin' it because I don' know," Stinky said. "At least you know why you're doin' it, but I don't."
"I don't fuckin' know either! I... I don't want to be a faggot, okay? You think that I'm happy about it?"
Stinky didn't say anything. He just stared pensively at the door handle like it was something interesting. Sid threw his hands up and kicked the banister a few times before lighting another cigarette.
"And don't fucking say smoking another cigarette will solve my fucking problems!" Sid practically shouted.
"Jesus, Sid," Stinky shook his head and walked inside.
Sid pursed his lips together and paced around the front porch for around five minutes before he got the courage to shout at the house, "Well, fuck you!" Then he kept pacing until he was struck by the thought that maybe Stinky was going to leave. Maybe he was upstairs packing right now and he was going to drive back to Hillwood and then Sid would be stuck at the house alone for the rest of the summer without a best friend!
So Sid burst inside, throwing the door open and letting it slam into the wall. Stinky jumped and sloshed his beer down his front. He gave Sid an awful glare.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" Stinky drawled.
"Oh, good, you're not leaving!" Sid said brightly. "I was worried that I had pissed you off and you were going to leave me here all alone," he trailed off.
"Of course you pissed me off, ya bastard!" Stinky had gotten up and was walking to the kitchen now, presumably to try and clean himself up. "Jesus, don't you ever think about summ' on' beside you?"
"...yeah, duh! Boy howdy, you think I don't care about other people?"
"You shure do think about yourself a lot," Stinky said.
Sid watched him pull off his shirt and stuff it in the sink, which was filled with water. Those words were true, Sid knew, but it still hurt him. He licked his dry lips and finally answered Stinky's statement.
"When I show other people I care, it just gets thrown back at me," Sid muttered. "So why bother? Why bother at all if I'll just get hurt?" his voice grew louder and slightly hysterical.
"So because you got hurt once or twice you're goin' to be an asshole now? I reckon that's fucked up, Sid," Stinky shook his head.
"Not once or twice, like every day of my goddamn life! I'm Sid the freak, Sid the crazy kid, the pyscho, the bipolar nutjob! Sid the stoner, Sid the druggie, Sid the bad fuckin' influence!"
"What does that even―?"
"They were my friends! Kids I trusted, people I looked up to, my own fucking... mother," Sid's shoulders sagged.
"Your ma?"
"Yeah, my 'ma,' Stinky. You know what she said when I got busted? 'I can't believe you raised him like this, Ray! You turned my son into a low-life drug addict!'" Sid had turned away from Stinky.
"She didn' say that to your face," Stinky's voice was quieter, with a sad note in it.
"No. I would have cunt punted that bitch if she did," Sid said under his breath.
"Christ, I can' believe you, Sid," Stinky sounded taken aback. He must have heard what Sid had said.
Sid just shook his head. He felt worn out and ill, like he had just thrown up. Stinky didn't get it. He didn't get it at all. Sid was just about ready to get acquainted with some of his old friends, Jack and Mary Jane, when he felt Stinky's arms around him.
"'M sorry," Stinky mumbled.
"Why? I should be apologizin'," Sid said, "sorry."
Sid turned so he was facing his friend and captured his mouth in a kiss. This one was, at the same time, sadder and sweeter than any kiss he had had before. It was as if both of them knew that their relationship, whatever it should be called, wasn't ready to be so intimate. It couldn't handle so many old hurts and scabs divulged and brought out into the bright light. And Sid knew that was what he was composed of entirely, rancid hurt upon hurt upon hurt.
Stinky's heartbeat was right against him. Sid was always scared when he felt someone's heartbeat, because he worried that it would stop. It was a silly fear, but one he still held. Sid wanted to draw back, so he didn't have to feel his friend's heartbeat any more, but he didn't want to break the embrace or break the kiss.
Finally they broke apart. Sid reached up and pushed a lock of brown hair out of Stinky's face. He thought about commenting on Stinky's hair and how long it had gotten, but the silence was comfortable.
He wondered if they'd ever do more than just kiss. Sid hadn't brought it up, because he didn't know how Stinky would take it. Sid didn't even know if he could do things like that with him. Sure, it was different in his head. Actually doing it would be something completely different. He felt nervous just thinking about really doing things like that.
Just kissing his friend was fine for now. Maybe things would be different in the heat of the moment.
–
Wow, I kind of hit a brick wall with this story! Updates probably won't be as fast as the once were. I still want to finish this story so bad, so I'll try my best!
Waaaaaaaaaangst, yay!
