Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. But I do own Metaru! Cause he's such a good boy! Yes, he is! Yes, he is! Go~od boy!

Nin Tech
Chapter 8: Biting the Hand That Holds the Bomb
By Irritus185

She was finally home.

Sakura walked down the street to her house, grateful that the mission was finally over and she could rest. The actual mission was difficult enough as it was, but the aftermath was brutal. Team seven had to stay another two weeks to fix up both the bridge after Naruto's careless deployment of his 'minions' and the massive property damage that always seemed to follow in the blonde's wake.

D-missions did nothing to prepare her for the brutal menial labor they had been forced into. Luckily, Naruto had done most of the work with his use of kage bunshin, but it wouldn't have felt right if the rest of them didn't pitch in as well.

Well, it also had to do with how they were supposed to make sure Naruto didn't get too frantic in his job like he did. It took a careful eye and an iron fist to catch him before he made any of his 'upgrades' to the bridge's construction.

Though the strangest part had to be how those hauna of his acted as miniature messengers and carriers, skittering all over the place like worker ants. They were creepy as heck, but damn useful at what they did.

And then there had been the huge party to celebrate both the bridge's completion and the fact that Gatou was no longer a threat to them, or anyone else for that matter.

Zabuza had been quite thorough in his elimination of the fat and slimy businessman.

She smiled at the memories. So maybe it wasn't all bad. She had managed to get a folk dance out of Sasuke after Naruto had literally shoved them both into the festivities, and the peer pressure from the villagers had cowed the Uchiha enough to acquiesce, to her delight. Her inner self reveled over the almost embarrassed flush on his cheeks, though his ever-present scowl ruined the image a bit.

The only thing she really considered a problem now was that nuke-nins were going to be living in Konoha with Naruto. She doubted they would cause too much trouble, as it was obvious their positions under Naruto secured them a fairly prosperous life. But how this would relate to Konoha's policies on giving asylum to rogue shinobi, she wasn't certain. Sakura had focused more on the hidden villages' general politics and economics rather than their individual charters.

Sakura shrugged and flipped her hair over her shoulder. Well, not that it really mattered to her. They were Naruto's problem now, and she was certain that he could easily deal with any complications they might bring.

After all, his very existence in Konoha was a violation of common sense all on its own.

She pushed open the door to her house and smiled in anticipation of a nice, warm bath.

"I'm home!"


Kakashi rolled his shoulders. They were still tense from the team's long journey, having only arrived that morning. It didn't help that they had had to immediately debrief their mission to the Hokage right after arriving, not to mention all the red tape Kakashi personally had to go through to grant entrance to Zabuza and his nins.

Luckily for him, Sarutobi had taken it completely in stride, giving no measure of surprise other than a raised eyebrow at the sight of the notorious Kiri nin before stamping out a mission completion form and mentioning he wanted a full report of their activities.

Kakashi hadn't missed the meaningful glance the elder shinobi had given Naruto, which he easily guessed was something akin to, 'Don't want to know. Just make sure this doesn't blow up in my face.' Kakashi could only imagine the bureaucratic mess this would entail. While Haku did have a kekkai genkai which could very quickly grant her diplomatic immunity, Zabuza and the demon brothers would be harder to categorize and thus much trickier to try and protect from hunter nin.

To be honest, Zabuza wasn't really that bad once he stopped trying to kill everyone. Though pretty arrogant, he had a wicked sense of humor and was a fun guy to drink with.

Hell, he had actually broken bread with Tazuna by offering the old man a rare bottle of sake.

Half a bottle later, the bridge builder was laughing up a storm and treating the demon of the mist like an unruly relative.

Then again, considering the whole situation, this was Naruto's problem, and Kakashi wasn't going to waste his energy or thoughts on the little psycho.

Better that crazies deal with crazies and be done with it! And leave him to his beloved Icha Icha!

Kakashi smiled under his mask at the thought. He couldn't wait to get to get settled for the cool-down period after their mission. Both Kakashi and his team would be forbidden to take any more missions until the period was finished, a measure taken by Konoha medics to prevent overworking shinobi from jumping from one high-ranked job to another.

He opened the door to his apartment and froze.

What awaited him could only be described as an avant-garde artist's wet dream.

Kakashi's apartment was completely overrun with random, mismatched objects and knickknacks. A grand piano had been dragged into the center of his living room, the carcass of a horse lying inside it with its head and legs sticking straight out. Clocks, both pocket watches and grandfathers were spread out in the corner, lain over various coathangers like they were made out of melted rubber. What looked like a chia-pet orgy was spread out on the floor, the family-aimed figurine/plants postured in lewd positions. And was that a giant co-

Hammering caught his attention. Kakashi slowly turned to see a small deformed figure nailing breakfast items onto his wall – fried eggs, toast, bacon. Upon hearing the door open and subsequent footsteps, the figure waddled about to face Kakashi.

J looked at Kakashi, neon eyes shining a brilliant blue. He looked down at the hammer that formed one hand and the bowl of oatmeal he held in another. He looked back up and spread his arms wide.

"It's art!"

Kakashi raised both hands. A raikiri formed in each.

He lunged at the Naru-kun, mouth twisted in a snarl so fearsome it could be seen behind his mask.

There was a flash of lightning, a roar of thunder…and then the apartment exploded.


Sasuke solemnly trudged to his apartment. He couldn't believe it. The entire mission was nothing but one poorly-planned joke after another. Naruto trying to look cool, him struggling to make a simple mizu-bunshin, the anti-climatic fight with Zabuza and Haku; everything that had happened was nothing more than a cosmic pratfall for team seven in general.

Not to mention that when he thought he had finally activated his clan's bloodline it turned out to be just a fluke.

Of course, he was glad he had learned something new, and even gladder that they had accomplished the job they were assigned, even if it wasn't in the fashion Sasuke had expected… But still! Why did every venture that involved Naruto have to end up so…so…asinine?

The bright side of the whole fiasco was that now Naruto had someone to boss around instead of him and the others. Though Sasuke doubted the Kiri nin would hold Naruto's miniscule attention span for long, at least it meant that he would not be focusing his harebrained schemes for gaining minions on team seven.

Sasuke bit his lip at the thought of the Kiri nin. He still couldn't believe the masked shinobi Haku was a girl. Not that there was a problem she was a girl; it wasn't like he was a misogynist. After all, though his mother acted like she did now, she was one of the most powerful Uchihas in Konoha during the peak of their reign, and the foremost of Konoha's kenjutsu specialists. Even if she acted like a begging puppy only wanting to be loved, and though she often talked like she didn't have two brain cells to rub together, and even if…

Sasuke sighed. Okay, so maybe his feelings towards the fairer sex were colored a bit. What certainly hadn't eased his preconceptions was the nature of the shinobi academy's fangirl menace, and their squealing, mindless approach towards him.

He paused. Though maybe Sakura had advanced from that. She certainly wasn't as annoying to him as when they had first been shoved on the same team. He could probably thank Naruto for that.

Nobody could seem as annoying after being compared to him over several months.

He opened the door. "I'm home, mother," he called out, bracing for the inevitable flying glomp that awaited him.

When it did not come, his spirits perked up. Perhaps his extended stay away from home had cooled Mikoto's jets, as she no longer had him in constant proximity and thus had to restrain her impulses. Or, even better, she just wasn't home at the time.

As he walked into the kitchen to grab something cool to drink, noises from deeper inside the apartment piqued his interest. His instincts grabbing control, Sasuke fished a kunai from his pack and silently slinked his way further into the apartment, where the bedrooms were located.

What initially sounded like whispers and sighs grew into something more comprehensible.

"Oh, An-chan…that's it. Right there." Sasuke recognized that as his mother's voice, though it was throatier than he remembered.

"Mistress, I can't take this anymore. My jaw's so tired…" That voice he did not know, though it seemed vaguely familiar.

"But if you don't then you won't get to lick the spoon, An-chan."

"Misstressssss~"

Somewhere in the back of his psyche, deeply buried under layers of repression and mental firewalls, a long-forgotten memory stirred fearfully.

Sasuke put his hand to the door.

The memory grew louder, just above a murmur, telling him not to enter.

He pushed.

Louder, begging this time.

The door swung open.

The memory fell silent.

So did he.

Mikoto looked up. Her face bloomed into unsung happiness at the sight of her son. She catapulted off the bed, wrapping her arms around her darling baby boy, wearing an expression of pure joy…

"Sa-chan! You're back! Mikoto is soo~oo happy!"

…And nothing else.

The covers on the bed moved, and out popped the mussed-up head of Anko. Her normally tied-up hair was loose, allowing her shoulder-length locks to nicely frame her uncovered chest. She blinked and wearily worked her jaw, sore from hour upon hour of strenuous work, just like the rest of her body.

"Huh?" She frowned and narrowed her eyes upon catching Sasuke. "Aren't you that emo brat that's teammates with my Naru-chan?"

Mikoto whipped her head back and forth, a puzzled expression overtaking her smile. "You know my Sa-chan, An-chan?"

She shrugged. "I guess. He your kid, mistress?"

"Yes!" Mikoto squealed, holding Sasuke nearer to her naked body. "He's my darling Sa-chan!"

"Huh…" She waved lazily. "Nice ta meet'cha, sonny boy."

Sasuke closed his eyes. When he opened them again, two tomoes had burst out from each of his irises, swirling to infinity. His hands blurred through the signs.

There was a blast of heat, a whiff of sulphur…and then the apartment exploded.


"Welcome…to Casa de Uzumaki!"

Naruto threw out both his arms to accentuate the grandness of his home, taking in the grudging awe from his new minions with relish. It was hard not to be impressed.

Zabuza whistled softly. "Not bad, brat, not…" He stopped and tilted his head. "Wait, casa de what? What the hell kinda language are you speaking?"

"I think it's French – or maybe German? – for 'awesomeness.'"

"What the hell is French?"

"…I…don't…know…" Naruto shook his head and grinned. "Anyway! All of you, welcome to your new home, where you'll join me in the grand dream of taking over the world!" He jumped onto the low-lying stone masonry surrounding the building and pointed. "Now, if you'll juuussttt enter through that window on the second floor…"

Haku tilted her head. "Ara, why would we need to go through the window? What's wrong with the door?" She didn't see the problem with traversing the couple meters of yard between the road and front entrance; it was merely an expanse of dirt and patches of grass.

Metaru happily barked his agreement from her arms. When Naruto had picked him up from Hana's clinic, the robotic fox had taken an instant shine to the ice maiden, which both delighted Haku (she seemed to have a penchant for cute things) and impressed Naruto (as that meant Metaru deemed her a good person and was showing a change in his personality matrix.)

Hana had given the snow maiden the same look that Ayame had when Naruto had visited her – a suspicious grimace with a hint of antipathy, though hers was much more covert than Ayame's outright growling.

Haku wondered why the girls had become so hostile at her presence. Perhaps they were worried Naruto would fall victim to her comrades' treachery? But that was silly; they would never betray Naruto's trust. Such a nonsensical concept!

Naruto winked. "Ah, observe!" He snapped his fingers.

A clone popped up next to him, and, with a shout of 'banzai!', jumped into the yard. It barely made contact with the ground before it glowed a soft blue and exploded.

Meizu blinked. "You booby-trapped your yard?"

"I booby-trap everything!"

With a collected sigh and belated realization of just what they had gotten themselves into, the Kiri nin followed Naruto into the second-floor window. When they were all inside, Naruto nodded in satisfaction and bellowed out, "I'm home!"

The response was immediate. With a clanking and blaring of 'boss!', a stampede of Naru-kuns gathered in front of their creator, popping up from nowhere and slithering out of the shadows.

"Boss! You're back!"

"Welcome home, boss!"

"Did ya bring us anything?"

"Presents! Presents!"

A clomped up to the front of the crowd and gave Naruto a small salute. "Welcome back, boss. We were wondering when you were going to return."

Naruto squatted down. "Hey, A! I'm back! And guess what!" He turned to the side, revealing Zabuza and the others. "I got new minions! Everybody, say hello to Zabuza Momochi and his gang of outlaw nins!"

As one, the clanks faced off the Mist shinobi. Their eyes shined an iridescent blue, a chain of sapphires in a metallic sea. The Kiri nin almost took a step back, their thoughts remembering the veritable wave of creepers from before. Metaru barked happily.

Suddenly, all of the Naru-kuns dipped their heads, the most their stumpy bodies could afford. "Welcome to boss's army, new minions!"

Zabuza gave an amused chuckle, closer to a bark than anything else. "So, we've been demoted to minions, huh?"

"Perhaps this will be…" Meizu started.

"More difficult than we first thought." Gouzu finished.

They both shrugged.

Haku hid her smile behind her hand. "Ara? I think it's quite interesting."

Naruto grinned. Good… They were accepting their roles quite quickly. Excellent. At least this meant he wouldn't have to cook up a batch of medicine to make them more accepting of his orders. He glanced back at A. "Make sure they're put on the entry permission list, and give them delta level clearance. I'll get their fingerprint, DNA, and retinal scans later."

"Roger," A said.

"ROGER ROGER!" all of the other clanks echoed.

"So!" Naruto clapped his hands together. "Before we move on to other matters, let's go through the more important ones first!" He closed his eyes. "Give me a summary of what happened while I was gone."

"Roger." Data streamed in front of A's face while it talked. "At 1400 hours on the day you left, date 02/13/765, there was a 5.073% drop in efficiency during the daily cleaning of the chemistry lab due to a..."

"No, no, no!" Naruto interrupted. "I don't want that boring stuff! Give me the juicy details!"

"Boss?"

"I want to know what kinda wild adventures you had while I was gone! You know…!" He vaguely gestured with his hands, though as to what, none of the other people there knew. "When the cat's away, the mice come out to play…?"

"We eliminated all pest infestations on a weekly basis if that is what you're referring to," A offered.

"No! Gah! What wild and crazy parties did you have? What diseases did you catch? What…"

"I don't think that any of us are infected with a virus. Our security software should have caught anything dangerous and eli-"

"No! No! No! Did you do anything bad?"

A looked up at its creator. Its eyes turned off and then back on. "I…don't understand, boss. Why would we do anything bad?"

"Because that's what assistants are supposed to do!" Naruto roared. "You're supposed to wait till I'm gone and then have wild parties the entire time and then just as I'm arriving back home go into a rush and clean everything up and make it so I'm none the wiser for it!"

"But you never programmed such sub-routines into our AI cores." A didn't understand. It was supposed to act outside its given parameters?

Naruto paused, his mouth wide open, one finger raised in an accusing manner. He looked right, left, and then down. Then he took his head in his hands and cried out, "Curse my lack of programming skills and forethought for hilarious hijinks! CURSE THEM, I SAY!"

"If you makes you feel any better, Q accidentally disabled Project G's isolation device and they rampaged for a couple days until we managed to re-quarantine them."

Naruto sniffled and bent down, grasping his knees. "It's just not the same."

Zabuza picked out the nearest Naru-kun, a U by its letter. "Is it always like this?"

U gave the deformed-approximation of a shrug. "Boss is fun to work for."

"Huh." Zabuza swatted Naruto on the shoulder, breaking him out of his fugue. "Oi, Naru-gaki, ain't you better get us ground in or something?"

Naruto sniffed again. "Riiighhht." He stood up and saluted the clanks. "Boys, find rooms for our guests!"

"Roger!" With a blur of movement, all of the Naru-kuns melted away, disappearing back into shadowy reaches of the building.

"So, I guess it's time to start explaining everything to you. First up, welcome to my army!" Naruto placed his curled-up fists on either hip and stood up straight. His face went deadly serious as he barked at his recruits. "As new entries, you shall be given roles appropriate to your status and skill-sets." He pointed at Haku. "Haku-neechan, considering your adeptness with medicinal herbs as well as your wide understanding of the human body, you will be my new medical officer. Sa-LUTE, Captain Haku!"

Haku laughed softly and mimicked Naruto's sloppy version. "As you wish, Naruto-kun." Metaru howled in response as well. She giggled again and laid a hand on his head, which he pressed into.

"Very good!" He whirled on his feet and pointed at Zabuza, Meizu, and Gouzu in turn. "You three shall be my new security officers, as I'm sure once I gain more power, I'll need more people to watch my backside so it doesn't get kicked like before. Sa-LUTE, Major Zabuza, and First Lieutenants Meizu and Gouzu!"

Both demon brothers nodded their heads.

"Roger."

"Boss."

Zabuza sneered and crossed his arms. "So I guess this means I can't whoop your ass anymore?"

Naruto smirked in response. "Who said that? I might need a good kick in the ass to get my head out of the clouds every once in a while."

Zabuza's mouth widened, teeth glistening in sadistic glee. "I knew it'd be fun to try and work for you, Naru-gaki."

Naruto waggled his finger back and forth and 'tsk'ed the man. "Don't forget all the money I'm paying you and that I'm covering your rears from Kiri hunter-nins!"

Haku tilted her head in consternation. "Yes, I was wondering about that, Naruto-kun. How will you be able to keep us from getting collected?" Her face dipped into a concerned frown. "There's only so much you can do to protect us."

"Oh, that's easy…" Naruto waved his hand and turned away. "You should know already. After all, each of you did sign a contract."

Wind blew through the silence that suddenly permeated the room. Each of the Mist shinobi was shocked still, uncertain as to what the blonde was alluding to. So many scenarios flashed through their minds that anxiety began to quickly eat at their current emotional well-being at an alarming rate. Had they just handed over their very souls to the mad inventor?

Meizu was the first to react. Unhidden by his air-mask, his lips carefully moved with each chosen word, each a measured grimace. "What…exactly did those contracts entail us doing?"

"See, this is why I love fine print," Naruto cackled. He coughed into his hand and began explaining.

"By signing that contract, you integrated yourself into an existing clan of Konoha, meaning that you are now protected under its charter and are not accessible to attacks by shinobi of Kirigakure without provoking enmity between the two villages. Even if hunter squads come to try and take you back and dispose of you, I can simply invoke asylum laws and pay your bounty directly into Mist's coffers. That way, you no longer have an existing price on your life and Kiri can't do anything about it."

Naruto's grin widened, and he bounced over and grabbed Haku's arm, snuggling into her and causing her to unintentionally blush at his overt affections. "And luckily, since Haku-neechan joined your group after you deserted Kiri and she has a kekkai genkai, she's not considered a nuke-nin plus she falls under Konoha's bountiful bloodline laws."

Naruto closed his eyes. "In essence, you guys can't be legally touched unless the clan head allows it without causing a diplomatic nightmare."

Haku's eyelashes fluttered at the thought of no longer having to be on the run. "And who's the clan head…and which clan?"

"Why, the Uzumaki clan, of course!" He let go of her arm and twirled like a ballerina before bending over and flipping a finger out. "And the clan head…is me!" He spread out his arms and crowed out in victory. "Welcome to your new family, Haku-neechan, Gouzu-niichan, and Meizu-niichan!" Naruto's smile grew devious. "And since Zabuza is now technically my legal guardian…"

"Wait, what?"

"Welcome home, Zabuza-touchan!"

Zabuza said nothing. He blinked once, twice. He then slowly looked down at Haku, who was trying to hide her laughter along with Meizu and Gouzu. The very idea of Zabuza being a father-figure was almost too much to bear.

Being an authority figure or a figurehead of power, yes.

A Zabuza that laughed with paternal admiration and love?

Ow, the aneurysms.

"Haku?" Zabuza said, his voice strangely low and even.

"Yes, Zabuza-san?" Haku murmured, mirth lining her every inflection.

He removed his Kubikiri Houcho and handed it Haku. "Haku, hide my sword. Hide it so that I will never be able to find it again. Because if you don't, I will be forced to decapitate the only person keeping us from the hunter squads." He grunted, his eye twitching. "And the latter is beginning to feel like a better idea more and more."

"Zabuza…jiisan?" Naruto tested.

"Now."

"Oh, fine," Naruto scowled. He pursed his lips and looked away. "If you're gonna keep whining about it, I'll just keep to 'kun.' In any case…" He turned his backs to the new Uzumakis. "Welcome to the first days of the rest of your lives. You have access to almost every room and floor at your security level, except for a few rooms with my more dangerous experiments and research, and the seventh floor in its entirety." He cut them off, knowing what they were going to ask before they did. "My sweeties who live there are extremely territorial, so it should be some time before they acclimate to your presence."

"And if we go there before they're used to us?" Gouzu asked.

"Well, they'll try and eat you, for one. Then they'll absorb your flesh to strengthen their own bodies before discarding any gristle or bones out the window." Naruto stuck his tongue out while looking over his shoulder. "They never eat their calcium deposits. Say they taste bad."

"R-right." Gouzu said, suddenly looking like he wished he hadn't asked.

"So," Naruto said. "Let's get started on what your roles entail and we can get to the nitty-gritty and-"

Something bowled through an open window. As the former-Kiri nin readied for battle, Naruto swung out an arm to stop them, one eyebrow raised. The others soon followed his example when the thing revealed itself to be a mostly-naked Anko, clad only in her panties and carrying the rest of her clothes under one arm.

Meizu and Gouzu barely resisted blushing at the sight, while Haku gave her customary 'ara', and Zabuza grunted. Naruto simply sighed.

"What now, Anko-hime?"

"Ya gotta hide me, Naru-chan!" Anko said, her pasty skin covered in burn marks and her unbound hair all frizzled. "That little emo teammate of yours is trying to kill me!"

Naruto blinked. "Why?"

"Banged his mom," she said succinctly.

That caused the entire room to nearly fall to the floor simultaneously. Naruto was the only one immune, instead sticking out a thumbs-up and grinning in immense pride.

"Good job!" he boomed. Then his eyebrows knitted together. "Wait, why are you running from him? Couldn't you just knock him out or something?"

"Well, yeah, but I want to keep banging his mom," she stressed.

"Ah…fourth floor, third door on the right."

"Thanks, Naru-chan!" Anko pecked him on the cheek before running past the others.

Naruto shook his head at the interruption and went to continue. "Now, as I was saying…"

"Boss! You're home!"

Naruto turned to see J climbing onto the windowsill using its extendo-arms. He blinked. "J? What are you…I knew one of you was missing when the rest came to greet me!"

"I went to give Kakashi-sensei a welcome home gift!" the miniscule clank said as it clambered over the sill and onto the floor, waddling up to its master. "I thought art would be nice! I went with surrealism!"

"That's nice," Naruto simpered. He bent down and patted the Naru-kun on its head. "Now go run off and socialize with the others. They have information you should download on our new guests." He gestured at the others.

J's eyes blazed as it looked at them and nodded. "Okay, boss!" With that, it scampered out of sight in the same manner as all the other clanks – without a trace and no idea how it was done.

Naruto sighed. "Okay, now that that's done, maybe we can-"

"Naruto…!"

"Dobe…!"

"Oh, now what!" the blonde cried in exasperation. He turned to find both Kakashi and Sasuke trying to force their way in through the window, each shoving the other so he could get in first. Naruto idly noted that both had their Sharingan revealed, which he found quite odd as he was sure Sasuke hadn't actually manifested his yet. "What do you two want?"

"Gotta kill the metal monster…Gotta kill the metal monster…"

"I'll never unsee it! You hear me? I'll never unsee that hellish scene!"

"Ok, you know what?" Naruto pointed directly at the two invaders. "Security officers, your first mission – eject these uncouth party-crashers. Medical officer, you can check them for injuries if they survive."

Zabuza, Meizu, Gouzu, and Haku all looked at each other. They shrugged.

"Whatever you say, gaki."

"Sounds like an easy first-job to me."

"But it should be fun."

"Ara, I hope they don't get too injured. I can only heal so much."

Sasuke and Kakashi froze as the men advanced, each pulling out their weapons of choice, themselves unable to move as their squished bodies were stuck between the window frame and each other.

There was a crash of metal, a hiss of air pressure, a crunch of broken stone…and then the apartment exploded.

And then exploded again.

And again.

And once more for good measure.


Sarutobi sifted through the mountain of paperwork and sighed. He had been hoping that team seven's mission wasn't nearly as bad as he first assumed it to be, but after reading through Kakashi's debriefing report again and again for the last two days, his suspicions and fears rang true.

It was bad enough that Naruto had invoked clan laws to grant the Kiri nin asylum. No doubt that any of the councils, the shinobi and elder in specific, would try and find fault to tear apart Naruto's plans. Of course, there was little they could do about it legally, as the Uzumaki clan had been established with full credentials in Konoha since the Shodai's reign, but this was a ninja village, and there were plenty of cloak-and-dagger procedures that could be done instead.

Then there was the fact that the one female shinobi, Haku, had a bloodline. No doubt they would try and coerce her to become breeding stock of some sort to spread the Hyouton amongst the shinobi ranks. That was something Sarutobi couldn't really fight against, as it was a key point in Konoha's original charters…but that didn't mean he couldn't find a way around it either.

Last, but certainly not the least apprehensive, was the report of Naruto's inventions. Initially, most of his kinzoku jutsu were seen as nothing more than trivial toys, especially since most of the ones seen in public usually resulted in catastrophic meltdowns before their true purpose was revealed.

Who wanted to mass produce what amounted to little more than differently-shaped bombs?

But with the reporting of Naruto's various successful inventions – like the electrified baton, chakra gun, metallic spiders, and the like – the village's original misgivings would be swept aside to welcome in and cultivate these technological marvels that would revolutionize Konoha as a hidden village.

If there was one thing that bound the majority of Konoha's backstabbing elite together, it was the possibility of growing stronger and extending their influence over everyone else.

Naruto would lead them to that end, willing or not.

Perhaps it was time to put his foot down and show just why he was the Hokage, the leader of the village, and not them?

His reverie were interrupted when his secretary popped her head in, her hawk-like face formed into a sharp visage. "Sarutobi-sama," she said. "The elder council wishes to hold a meeting with you regarding Naruto Uzumaki's role in genin team seven's latest mission."

Sarutobi barely reacted. Already? He knew that his reports were often secretly stolen and copied during the interim phases of filing, but that the elders had clambered together so quickly? This truly was as dangerous of a situation as he had feared.

Nonetheless, he would humor the old fogeys. It was the least he could do as their gentle, controllable leader…

Yes…it was time for him to have some fun…and to finally reveal his beloved grandson's achievements.


Sarutobi restrained himself from smiling, or revealing any part of his malicious humor, as the members of the elder council were seated. Though they were the oldest and therefore 'wisest' of Konoha's populace, selected by both the civilian and shinobi council to oversee anything that the two couldn't with an unbiased eye, Sarutobi still could not see anything but a bunch of teetering old farts that were iron-set in their ways and refused to think in any other direction.

Actually, he often came to wonder just why Konoha had so many councils in the first place. Civilian, shinobi, elder, and the greatest of all, simply known as the 'Council' – why and how did a military dictatorship become so bureaucratic in the last century? Was there really a need for all of them?

It was too bad his old teammates, Koharu and Homura, had fallen victim to their own misgivings of pride, greed, and survival. They were his oldest and dearest friends, but then again, their militant views on how to run Konoha often ran askew with his beliefs. They believed that only they knew what was best for the village, and would have no one tell them otherwise.

Then again, if Sarutobi hadn't been through the ringer during his double terms of Hokage, he wondered if he wouldn't have fallen in the same way as well.

But there was no need to ruminate on problems of the past; right now he had to focus on the problem right in front of him. The short-sighted imbeciles needed his full attention.

His eyes lingered over each of the council's members – his old friends, an elder of the Hyuuga clan, the old war hawk Danzou, several other key members of Konoha's societal hierarchy…

Really, what did any of these people know about what they were discussing? Aside from Danzou, of course, but then again this was the exact opposite of what the supposedly non-existent Root leader was supposed to be doing.

He sighed mentally and cleared his throat, diverting the room's attention to him. "Elder council, I will now call order to the beginning of this meeting." Sarutobi folded his hands. "At this time we will be discussing the nature of the actions genin Naruto Uzumaki took during team seven's mission to Wave country. Is there anyone who would like to begin?"

Danzou was the first. Sarutobi stopped himself from scowling. "Information has come to me that Uzumaki has garnered the alliance of some former nuke-nin, and that they are none other than a group led by Zabuza Momochi, who attempted to assassinated Kirigakure's kage. Isn't this a potential hazard to the people of Konoha?"

"Naruto Uzumaki has assured me that they will not cause any problems during their stay here," Sarutobi said.

There was a twitch in Danzo's lips. "And you take a mere genin at his word?"

"There is no doubt in my mind that Uzumaki will be able to keep control of his new employees. He has already shown the leadership capability required in chunin by working closely together with those in Konoha's interrogation department, as well as several clan heads represented in the shinobi council." Sarutobi smoothly moved into his next defense. "Besides, as nuke-nin, wouldn't it be better for them to find refuge in an established hidden village that has the resources to shield them? If they did attempt a riot, their immunity could be revoked and they would be handed straight over to Kiri's hunter squads. Surely they would not actively risk such a catastrophe."

"But still, a nuke-nin is a nuke-nin because they betrayed their village, their former employers. Who is to say that Momochi will not try to overthrow Uzumaki and run rampant in Konoha?" Danzou tapped his uninjured hand on the table. "We cannot justify risking the lives and well-being of thousand of Konoha's citizens for just the chance to bank on a notorious assassin's well-meaning intentions." His eyes flicked to the side, landing on the Hyuuga elder for a moment.

As if on cue, Hikaru Hyuuga stood up, lightly pounding a fist on the table. "We must take precautionary measures," he said harshly, his empty lavender adding to the effect. "We have accepted nuke-nins before, but only after they've been branded with a seal that prevents them from causing any harm to others."

Sarutobi frowned. "Be that as it may, that's only if they're unattached. However, these nuke-nins have been accepted into the Uzumaki clan, and by the very clan laws that we've based our village on, we cannot do so without the clan leader's permission."

A random member blinked. "I thought Naruto Uzumaki was an orphan."

"He is," Sarutobi said, swallowing the smirk that tried to worm its way past his lips. "But he's also the only remaining member of clan Uzumaki, a clan whose status has been validated. And thanks to becoming a ninja, he is considered an adult in our society and thus relegated to clan leader status." He folded his hands and leaned forward. "In other words, unless we receive Naruto's permission, we have no legal recourse to follow your suggestions."

"Then simply convince the boy to do so! Surely he would understand that is the best course of action!"

"Really now?" Sarutobi asked. "You wish to involve Uzumaki directly?"

"Of course!" another council member boomed. "We need to explain to the boy the direness of his decisions!"

"Very well." He turned and beckoned one of the ANBU that was standing next to the door. "Grant Naruto Uzumaki entrance into the meeting. Now that the elder council wishes to discuss this with him, there is no need to exclude him from the proceedings." He smiled. "He should be waiting right outside."

The entire room stiffened. Though it wasn't much of shock, as they needed Naruto's presence, Sarutobi had still manipulated them into allowing a non-council member into their meeting. The fact that he had been planning for this, even going so far as to keep the jinchuuriki just outside the room was not lost to them, either. That rigidness in their spines increased when the blonde crashed through the door, bellowing out a greeting.

"Yo! Thanks for inviting me!"

Homura took the initiative, trying to catch the blonde off-balance.

"Uzumaki, we have called you here to-"

"Convince me to let you brand my minions?"

He froze. "How…how did you know that?" he asked hesitantly.

Naruto shrugged. "Good ears."

That and the multiple listening devices he had placed all over the Hokage's tower, though he was certain they didn't need to know that. It was amazing what he could get away with when using a format generally ignored by the populace. Genjutsu to hide his presence, or chakra enhancements to funnel and collect sounds? These were easily discovered. But a small bug planted on the bottom of the table, disguised as stray patch of resin? Completely passed over.

It almost worried Naruto that he could eavesdrop on such secretive conversations so easily. If other people gained such knowledge, how quickly would it corrupt them?

That's why it was perfect that someone of such high morals and ethics like him was the only one with access!

Now, how best to deal with these funny, old people?

Homura continued, quickly pushing the conversation back to his preferred pace. "Yes, well. If that is the case then you must understand the severity of the situation you're in."

Naruto tilted his head. "Really?"

Koharu took over, using her grandmotherly appeal to try and soften Naruto up. "Yes, Naruto-kun," she said softly. "Even if you trust them, you have to understand that they made mistakes in their past, and there's a chance they may make the same mistakes again." She smiled. "But if you allow us to put a seal on them, we can make sure that they won't make the same mistakes again."

"But they're good people…" he whined petulantly, revealing his immaturity about the situation.

"They're nuke-nin, Naruto-kun. And although you may think otherwise, they became outlaws for a reason."

"Well, sure, I know about that, but that doesn't mean we have to punish them for being bad in the past. Shouldn't we give them another chance?" His eyes were shimmering with unshed tears, breaking down as the reality of their words crushed him.

"Yes, a second chance is deserved, but there must be cautions taken so that there is little risk of that chance being wasted."

"But we have a contract," Naruto said. "They can't break a contract, right? That's what being a ninja's all about – to obey your master until the end of your service."

The naivety of the boy was killing them. It was almost criminal for such a young and weak-willed kid to hold such power in his hands. After they convinced him to allow the branding, it would be a simple matter to have him hand over all his jutsus for the greater good of Konoha…and their pockets.

"Be that as it may," Hotaru continued. "A contract means nothing if there isn't a penalty associated with betrayal. We can't give them a chance if it means risking the lives of the other people living in Konoha. You don't want that, do you? To hurt all the people who live in this village with you?"

He sniffed. "You mean the people that treated me like crap all my life for something I had no control over and who should be deifying me for not going psychotic and slaughtering them all like the pigs they are?"

"Yes, exact-" Hotaru stopped nodding. "Wait, what was that?"

"I mean," Naruto said, rubbing his sleeves across his eyes. '"Zabuza-kun and the others may have tried to kill me, but they had a legitimate reason – I was preventing them from accomplishing their job…or Zabuza-kun was angry or hungry or bored or something. I don't know, I didn't ask." He sniffled again. "But that's better than being mean because I'm the only thing between them and utter annihilation!"

The entire room was silent, mouths gaping as the previously saddened child was now working himself into a frenzied ardor. Sarutobi simply shuddered, his head bowed down to hide his face.

"Sure, they may be a group of the most villainous scum in the world, but at least they're validated in their scummery! They want something so they do it and damn the consequences!" He crushed a fist and pounded it against his chest. "It's better than people who can't deal with shit so they blame it on the most obvious whipping boy in the world!"

"Uzumaki, you can't…"

"And why not?" he declared. "I know I'm the Kyuubi jinchuuriki! Hell, half the bloody village knows! Whatever happened to secrecy? Aren't you supposed to make sure that such things stay secret?"

They didn't know how or when, but all of them had been caught in Naruto's flow. There was a ring to his words, a calling that ordered them to not lead, but follow; to not act, but merely react to the stimuli he gave them. It was the exact same process in which Naruto had captured not only most of his detractors, but also those that were originally out of his sphere of knowledge.

"But there is only so much one can do to prevent…" Another member tried to explain, wondering absentmindedly why he was defending himself against a child they had just previously been attacking.

"Oh, please! If that's what you call preventing then I'd hate to think what other secrets have been leaked out!" He shook himself. "And I seem to have gotten off track."

Naruto nodded furiously as he re-gathered himself. "And besides, they're my minions, so why would I take the advice of some guys who have no connection to me or them whatsoever? Hell, why do you even care? They're my responsibility, so I would think you'd be pleased as punch if they did something bad! Then you could just lay it all at my feet!"

"Why you little…"

"And another thing!" Naruto shouted. "You think I'm like the blasted Hyuuga? I'm not gonna chain my minions with a threat of death if they don't obey my every whim!"

"Hokage-sama!" Hikaru blared, standing up suddenly and knocking his chair back. "Restrain that beast of yours!"

"What was that, Hikaru-san?" Sarutobi said. The steel in his voice caused the entire room, minus Naruto, to freeze in mind-stopping fear. "I would appreciate that you not badmouth the person who prevented our village from being destroyed years ago."

Hikaru sputtered, but eventually sat himself back down, thoroughly cowed by the 'god of shinobi's' intimidating stare. Naruto grinned at the Hokage's impressive actions.

"Nice job, jii-san!" He winced when Sarutobi leveled his glare on him.

"That goes for you, too, Naruto," he said sternly. "Do not cause unnecessary complications during the proceedings. I do not wish to have to punish you for acting out of line, but I will if you continue these outrageous outbursts."

"But I-!"

"Stand. Down."

Naruto looked down to the side awkwardly and scuffed his foot on the floor. "As you wish, Sarutobi-sama," he said despondently.

Sarutobi nodded, pleased with Naruto's submission, and turned back to the council. "I believe that answers our questions. Naruto Uzumaki does not grant permission to apply the seal upon his new clan members. We shall next move on to the next order of business." He raised an eyebrow, beckoning someone to take the bait. "If anyone would like to begin?"

Once again, Danzou took it, though Sarutobi knew that the man would not be easy to corner and reel in. "I believe the next order of business is to discuss the so-called 'kinzoku' jutsu that Uzumaki revealed during genin team seven's mission to Nami."

"That is a valid line of query," Sarutobi agreed. He turned to Naruto and nodded at the boy. "Naruto, if you would, answer any and all questions that the council has to the best of your abilities."

Naruto set his jaw and nodded back with a frown. "As you wish, Sarutobi-sama."

Emboldened by the jinchuuriki's now compliant demeanor, but cautious so as not to overextend himself, Danzou went on to ask Naruto numerous questions concerning Naruto's inventions, including their usage during the battles and their intended functions in general. Every once in a while, another elder would ask him about some other minor tidbit. The whole time, Naruto gave an accurate and concise report, meticulously explaining how his inventions worked and their comparison to more traditional ninja techniques and trade tools.

As he explained, the council's synapses fire at an incredible rate, coming to the realization that the technology they once mocked had become a veritable mine of ideas and concepts that could net them a hearty profit and make Konoha an even greater super power in the elemental countries then it was now. If they could mass produce Naruto's inventions, then Konoha's shinobi ranks would no longer be bound to just jutsus that they were just proficient with. Ninja could become something more powerful and influential than ever before!

Danzou kept the smile from his face as Naruto's briefing wound down. If he could get even a fraction of what the blonde had spoke of, Root would get the strength needed to depose Sarutobi from his rank of Hokage and place Danzou there instead. His lifelong dream could easily be fulfilled if he just gained prominent control.

Naruto watched with a weary sigh as the councilors talked amongst themselves. When they had finally agreed on what to do, they turned back to him, Danzou acting as their speaker.

"Naruto Uzumaki, by order of the elder council, we command that you surrender your inventions so that they may be studied for future use by Konoha shinobi. You will have a week to gather all the pertinent materials and research before they are transferred into Konoha's shinobi labs and archives."

Naruto was silent for a second and then opened his mouth. "No."

Danzou frowned. "What do you mean, 'no?'"

He shrugged. "I mean no, I'm not gonna give you access to my tech."

Danzou scoffed. "Uzumaki, it is by the will of the elder council that we…"

"Have no authority whatsoever to command me to turn over anything against my will." He smiled thinly. "You can't force me to part with even a single one of my inventions, no matter how much you want to."

Homura scowled, his tone fierce. "Uzumaki, you can't disobey the orders of the elder council. You have no standing amongst us. Even the shinobi clans are required to follow our orders."

Naruto sighed heavily and looked at Sarutobi. The man did nothing more than idly flap a hand in his general direction. Naruto rolled his eyes, took a deep breath, and recited, in a practiced and monotone voice, "Article five, section twenty-one, sub-section thirteen of the Konoha Shinobi Charter – all techniques inherent to and originated in a currently valid and existing shinobi clan may not be forcibly taught to and/or written in the Konoha archives unless in a time of war, or by order of the Hokage." He frowned at the councilors. "Since we aren't in a time of war, and I'm certain Sarutobi-sama doesn't want my inventions to become publicly owned, I have no prerogative to reveal the secrets of my jutsus to you."

"This is ridiculous!" Hikaru said angrily. "How can you refuse to show us the nature of your inventions when it could help so many people?"

"I could ask you the same thing, Hikaru-san," Naruto retorted casually. Hikaru's face went red with rage at the boy's impertinent attitude and rude referral, the capillaries around his eyes bulging out as if his Byakugan was activated. "Why don't you show us the intricacies of the Byakugan and the Jyuuken? Why do you use the caged-bird seal, thereby keeping us from learning anything?"

"Your logic is preposterous and riddled with holes. The grand history of the Hyuuga clan is one that helped to create the very foundation of Konoha. Our bloodline is something that only a Hyuuga can employ and use to its fullest. To expose the secrets that have been in our family for generations is impossible, while your simple tools are something that any pedantic ninja could easily employ," Hikaru said imperiously. "We have spent years coming to understand the strengths and weaknesses of our blood-given right. Do you think that outsiders would comprehend even a fraction of it?"

The very idea that they were on equal ranks was simply mind-boggling. How impertinent of the blonde to think otherwise! This was why he had to be relieved of his techniques so that wiser and better-equipped people could use them properly. They would make the blonde see this.

Naruto clucked his tongue. "Your logic is as faulty as mine, then. So your techniques are hundreds of years old; that doesn't mean that they're inherently better. A polished shit is just a shit, after all." He continued before Hikaru could interject a furious rebuttal, leaving the man to steam in impotent fury.

"What about the Yamanaka? The Nara? The Uchiha? The Akimichi? The Inuzuka? Why have none of the other shinobi clans been forced to reveal their secrets? Surely they have been asked to reveal what they know, and yet they have refused on account of wanting to keep their precious, and well-deserved, techniques inside their family." Naruto raised a hand and lazily pointed it at the council. "You cannot order them any more than you can order me, and I find it extremely insulting to my genius to think you could trick or bully me otherwise."

He grinned, his canines slipping out. "In any case – my clan, my techniques, my rules. No one else's."

Danzou was surprised that Naruto had known not only clan laws regarding acceptance of non-blood-related members, but also ones that protected theft and appropriation of clan techniques. He had thought that the boy would have buckled under the pressure of the elder council's weight, but it seemed that the boy was prepared for such tactics. Perhaps the jinchuuriki was smarter than he appeared, but that meant nothing to Danzou. He would simply take another avenue and get what he desired that way.

However, seeing that his fellow member was well on his way to completely negating their side of the argument and thus destroying any chance of gaining possession of Naruto's technology, Danzou broke in with a theatric sigh and played his trump card.

"I was afraid it would come to this, but I feel we have no other recourse." He pulled out a paper and laid it out in full view. "Under that same law that Uzumaki quoted, addendum two, I announce that Naruto Uzumaki is of a diminished mental capacity, and thus not suitable to hold onto what could very well be a collection of techniques that are potentially lethal to both him and those around him."

Sarutobi pursed his lips pensively. "And do you have proof for that accusation?"

"Of course, Hokage-sama," Danzou said smoothly. He made a signal, and the door opened to the council room opened again. In walked someone that nearly all the others were visibly interested at. "May I reintroduce the head of the Konoha Interrogation Department, Ibiki Morino."

"Hi, Ibiki-kun!" Naruto crowed.

Ibiki nodded stiffly at the blonde. "Uzumaki."

It didn't matter if the man was on friendly terms with the blonde; he was also a straight-forward professional and would not allow personal feelings on the matter to intrude on his analyses. Danzou knew this from experience. The scarred-man would torture men and women, adult and children alike, to obtain the information he desired, neither his face nor emotional state changing even the tiniest bit as he did so – a quality that Danzou himself bred in his subordinates.

"Morino-san," he said silkily, waiting for the noose to tighten around Naruto's neck. "If you'd please give your report on Naruto Uzumaki's mental state."

"Understood," Ibiki said. He flipped through the boy's dossier. "Naruto Uzumaki suffers from symptoms of schizotypy, megalomania, bipolar disorder, and histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders. He is also prone to frequent delusions of grandeur and bouts of dementia." He traced down a chart. "From periodic dives into his subconscious, I have come to the conclusion that his mindscape is irreparably twisted beyond any hope of restoration."

Danzou allowed a small, wicked smile to grace his lips as the rest of the council perked up as the possibility that Naruto would have to legally back down and surrender his techniques grew. The Root leader added the last flourish. "Then, in your professional opinion, does Naruto Uzumaki fail the guidelines needed to deny repossession of his techniques?"

Ibiki snapped the clipboard shut. "No, he does not."

The trumpets of triumph came crashing down with the tinkling of glass. Danzou's eyes widened with untold astonishment and then narrowed in skepticism. "What?"

Ibiki squared his shoulders. "While he does fall within most of the clinical boundaries of insanity, I have also come to the conclusion that his mindscape has been distorted so much that he has come out the other end and instead exists in a mostly clear, lucid mental state." He shoved the clipboard under his arm. "Uzumaki may be prone to periods of madness, but this is usually only during a concurrent period of great mental stress. Even then, when there is the possibility of him mentally breaking, he always focuses directly on the cause of such stress and ignores everything else until the source has either been removed or resolved, and then returns to an acceptable mental state."

Ibiki nodded carefully, his eyes hard and yet a hint of ironic mirth in them. "In this sense, Uzumaki follows the mental patterns of the Inuzuka clan – that of the feral berserker – and since their mental patterns have been carefully cleared and accepted as a form of legal temporary insanity, Uzumaki is also cleared under those same laws." He grinned sharply. "It may be partly vague due to the nature of his madness, and thus questionable under our charter, but it all comes to one main point – that it can only be determined viable by the Hokage." He turned to the elderly man, prompting a response.

When the entire council refocused on Sarutobi, they came to the realization that neither he nor Naruto had had a look of worry or despair on their faces the entire time Danzou had pushed his argument.

Somehow…they had already known.

And they had turned Danzou's ultimate weapon against him, humiliating him in turn as once again he failed to move past Sarutobi's shadow.

Sarutobi smiled congenially. "Very well." He cleared his throat. "From the information explained to me and my own personal knowledge of Naruto Uzumaki's mentality, I officially declare him fit for both duty and the ability to know whether or not he is capable of handling his personal jutsu."

The council was still and silent for a few seconds before exploding into displeased refusal.

"Hokage-sama, you can't…"

"This is an outrage! How could you…"

"He's spitting on our laws like they were nothing! What…"

"This is not acceptable! We will not…"

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear." The room froze again at the sound of his steel-lined, velvety tone. The very air tasted of killing intent, enough so that people a few floors aboveand below of the room could feel it. "Or perhaps you don't understand your positions."

Sarutobi stood up, both palms flat on the desk, his eyes glinting like a kunai. "This is not a democracy. This is a military dictatorship. I am the Hokage, which means I am the dictator, which means I am Konoha." He leaned forward slightly, and cracks appeared in the solid wood desk, racing their way across the furniture. "I am the final decider, not you. I choose what do with my village. Not. You. You are here to help me, to serve me, not the other way around."

Sarutobi raised his hands off the table, showing a deep and perfect indentation of each of his fingers and palms. "The Hokages have run this village based on the ideas of peace and camaraderie. But if that means that certain people will try to take advantage of that and elevate their status at the cost of others, perhaps it is time to emulate the way the other kages run their hidden villages." He moved his hands into the sleeves of his robes and smiled sweetly, almost cheekily.

"Besides, I am pleased to inform you that several of Naruto's small-scale inventions have already been in use by several teams in ANBU and the Interrogation department for the last eighteen months, and have recently been beta-tested and cleared for public use." He tilted his head at their blank expressions. "I am happy to announce that Uzumaki Inc. has become a new forerunner for Konoha's nin-tool suppliers."

"Bombs, tracking, and more! Uzumaki Inc. is at your service!" Naruto proclaimed proudly in a voice usually suited for market hawkers.

"Yes, well…" Sarutobi coughed awkwardly and slowly turned around, his back to the rest of the councilors. "This meeting of the elder council is hereby finished. Gentlemen, ladies, if you will excuse me."

With that, the Sandaime Hokage walked briskly out of the room, quickly followed by Naruto and Ibiki, but not before the blonde gave one last parting strike.

"Even if I was crazy, it would then beg the question of why you want an insane person's inventions in the first place. After all, who says my inventions wouldn't blow up in your face the second you tried to examine them? Or wouldn't try to eat you? Or shoot you. Or cut you in half. Or…well, you get the idea." He shrugged. "Food for thought."

"Naruto!" Sarutobi scolded from the distance.

"Ah! Coming, jii-san!" Naruto called back, dashing out of the room.

As the bloodlust-induced comas slowly retreated, tempers flared and dark thoughts floated to the surface. They had been smacked down like unruly children. Them! The greatest powers in Konoha, dwarfed only by the Hokage himself! And they were outmaneuvered by an ancient ninja and a brat who still reeked of stale milk?

They would not permit this ignominy. They could not be thrown to the side after years of accumulating power and influence amongst the civilian and shinobi populace. They had clawed their way to the top upon the bodies of those that were less deserving. They could not allow a single brat, even the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi, to disgrace them so.

The young boy must be taught a lesson in humility, one way or another.


Haku walked through the streets, carrying a small bag of food in the crook of her arm. Since she and the others had arrived at Naruto's home, they had come to the realization that the boy had not had a home-cooked meal in a long time. Not because he couldn't get ingredients, but because he literally subsisted on various flavors of instant ramen and coffee – frequently offset with various flavors of fresh ramen and coffee.

Unless they wanted their choices to revolve strictly around beef or chicken, French vanilla or Kenyan, someone had to do some shopping. It was no wonder that Naruto's growth was as stunted as it was – most of his meals had absolutely no daily nutritional value.

Haku frowned to herself. That just wouldn't do! Luckily, the blonde had no problem with shelling out money for a quick and expensive meal of sukiyaki, as well as some extra ingredients to make the instant ramen more palatable, so they could have something both delicious and nutritious now. They could go food shopping for more and better items later.

Let's see – mushrooms, meat, eggs, green onions, radishes…

Though she did wonder why Zabuza, Meizu, and Gouzu had paled when she offered to make something herself, instead saying that sukiyaki was a perfectly viable alternative. She thought they liked her cooking! It was just like making medicine – mix the proper ingredients in the right ratios and order and you ended up with a warm, home-cooked meal. Sometimes you had to substitute certain ingredients in case you were missing the original or didn't have enough, but that was basic Apothecary 101 as well. Well, she could always worry about that later.

Haku's eyes darted to the side. What should have been on her mind was the character that had been tailing her since she left the more crowded areas of the marketplace. They were good, to be sure, always just out of her line of sight and making no more noise than any normal person would when walking, but after years of being on the run and having to constantly look over one's shoulder, Haku had gained an extrasensory recognition for when someone was following her

She mentally sighed. She shouldn't be surprised. Naruto had warned them that there would be people that were…displeased with their presence. But to act so quickly after their arrival?

No, no, no! This would not do.

Haku took another step before dashing into a nearby alleyway. She could hear her stalker break from his or her hiding spot to give chase. Haku kicked one foot off the alley wall, her loosely-worn yukata giving a scandalous sight to anyone watching, and jumped up the walls with a grace and speed meant more for birds than humans. She landed silently on the roof of the building and waited.

Soon after, a blur appeared on the roof a few meters from her position. Her trailer was male, though very androgynous in his appearance, raven-black hair wavering slightly in the low breeze and milky eyes staring at her carefully, analyzing her every move.

Haku smiled. "Hello, ninja-san," she said cordially. "I see that you are of the Hyuuga clan. May I ask what your business with me is?"

The Hyuuga simply stared neutrally at her. "I must ask you to come with me."

"And why is that, ninja-san?"

"There are no questions. You have been summoned by the Hyuuga and you will give no resistance." His tone brooked no rebuttal.

"Ara, but I am afraid I cannot do that." She put a finger to her lips. "You see, I must get home to help make dinner for my family. I cannot go traipsing off with a stranger." She slowly blinked, eyelashes fluttering. "Zabuza-san taught me that way."

"I do not care what the Kiri demon has said. You are to be brought to the Hyuuga without question."

"May I ask why?" Haku tilted her head, her eyes gleaming with gentleness. "I cannot in good faith go with someone I have never met before."

The man said nothing for a few seconds before answering. "Uzumaki has barked too loudly, bitten too many people greater and stronger than he is. He must know his place. He must learn just where he lies in the hierarchy of life."

Haku giggled, soft eyes glowing, soft hands flexing. "And I suppose that I am to be his punishment?" She leaned over slightly, her breasts dipping into view. "Whatever will you do with me, ninja-san?"

The Hyuuga slowly moved into a taijutsu stance, both his hands forward, one foot in front and the other in back. "I will ask you one more time. Will you not come quietly?"

Haku still gave no inkling as to whether she would run or fight, treating the entire conversation as banal. "I am afraid that is something I have been taught recently by my little brother – to not do anything quietly."

The man closed his eyes. "Very well." When he opened them again, the bulge around his sockets and the sharpness in his irises showed the usage of the Byakugan. With a jump, he shot forward, fingers extended to puncture her.

Having known of the Hyuuga's 'unbeatable' technique, both from rumors and from Naruto's inane ramblings, Haku was prepared to receive him. Senbon were flung from her yukata's sleeves, aimed at his face. The man smacked the needles aside and advanced.

Haku dashed to the side, using her superior speed to outmaneuver the man. She could not be caught in close combat, she knew that. She was quick, but not quick enough to avoid the Jyuuken's chakra strikes. She had only a limited amount of senbon on her, as she had merely been going shopping, not intending to fight, and she dared not reveal the ultimate technique of her kekkai genkai in such a trivial match. There was also the problem that she probably did not have enough water on hand or in the air to even attempt it.

But that was not the limit of the Hyouton. All she needed was some form of moisture, and her bloodline would do the rest.

Haku retreated, flinging senbon after senbon to delay the man with one hand as her free hand zipped into the bag of food. When she was ready, she flung a wider and denser spray of medical needles.

Forced to react to this stronger retaliation differently, the Hyuuga bathed his hands in chakra and smashed the needles to pieces. He was startled when something else cracked against his hands as well. Looking quickly at his hands, he noticed a runny, viscous substance with shards of shells coating both of his hands.

"Ara, at least it is better than getting egg on your face, ninja-san," Haku said cheerily.

The Hyuuga grunted. "So you think bad jokes will save you? Your abysmal fighting skills will not." He did not attempt to wipe the eggs off, since it would leave an opening for her to strike back.

"Then I better put my other skills to the test." The last hand seal fell into place. "Freeze."

The Hyuuga felt it first, watched it next, and experienced horror last as the gooey eggs froze into a chilled mass on his hands. There were enough of them that the ice sheet was thick enough to prevent his fingers from moving. The man tried to smash his hands together to destroy the ice, taking his attention off Haku.

Haku did not waste the lapse in his judgment, leaping forward and taking a green onion from the bag, the internal moisture already chilling to a hardened block. With a small gasp of exertion, Haku cracked the improvised weapon against the man's skull, knocking him out instantly.

Seeing the man collapse into a boneless heap, Haku gave a small sigh. She never expected she or the others would be attacked so openly, or that they would be attacked so seriously as well, immediately going for her tenketsu points like that. The only thing now was to head back home to report to Naruto so that they could attempt a way to fight ba-

There was a small crack behind her. Haku started to turn.

A curled hand caught her on her shoulder blade, and Haku's world went white with pain.

Her screams came soon after.


The Hyuuga compound was quiet. Then again, it was always quiet – as the clan most steeped in traditions and ancestral heritage, the Hyuugas believed that to have a healthy, steady body, you had to have a healthy, steady mind…and control any emotional outbursts and breakdowns that might come with it. This also correlated with the idea that only the chosen could reach this form of enlightenment, and part of the reason why the caged-bird seal had been born.

So being a guard for the compound was usually a peaceful, if boring, job. There were no real outbreaks of chaos inside and most people wouldn't dare to try to cause trouble from the outside, as it was hard to do so to people who could see you though walls.

Which was why, when a heavy mist crawled in from nowhere at the main entrance to the compound, the sentries were immediately on their guard. The mist crept closer and closer, and the worse and scariest part was that even with their bloodline, they couldn't see through it. Their vision, normally able to bypass anything, was seeing nothing but an opaque cloud all around them.

A voice carried across the mist.

"No, I don't know you. You're not mine yet."

Then something cracked against both their necks, and they hit the ground, unconscious.

There was a glimmer in the fog, something sharp and pointy reflecting the moonlight. "Nii-chans? If you would?"

"Fuujin."

There was a screech of metal and groan of wood.

"O-kuni-nushi."

The main doors flew to pieces and crashed inside the compound. Immediately others were alerted, arriving on the scene as the mist flowed in, engulfing everything. There was nothing they could do but rely on their other senses as their main one was rendered useless. The closest ones picked up a melodic voice, dancing from all around them.

"Next stage."

"Dokugou." Two voices eerily chanted in unison.

Something hissed, and the mist took on a purplish hue, spreading out. Those that came in contact immediately felt their muscles and joints lock up. Those that avoided the mist found themselves either knocked out by senbon in their pressure points, batted across the enclosure by a huge hunk of iron, or electrocuted by links of metal – all of which was preceded by a word of denial or acknowledgment.

The carnage continued until the intruders reached the main building, and once again the doors were cut to pieces and exploded inward. The mist came rushing in again, though this time it stayed around the entranceway and refused to move in any further.

Out of the fog came Naruto, followed soon after by Zabuza, Haku, Meizu, and Gouzu. The first three were wearing air masks similar to the demon brothers, though these were obviously simpler in construction than the latter. Naruto removed his mask and grinned nastily. He started up the carpet to the central chamber.

Eyes watched from the shadows and did nothing.

The door to the central chamber swung inward just as Naruto reached it, and there stood the patriarch of the clan, Hiashi Hyuuga. The man stared down at the boy coldly, his face a stony mask.

Naruto smiled. "Yo! We came to play, Hiashi-dono!"

Hiashi's lips grew thin. "Why are you here, Uzumaki?"

"Why…isn't it obvious?" Naruto's grin became callous, caustic. "Retribution."

"I do not see why." Hiashi stiffly raised his hands, and Naruto cut an arm to the side to prevent the others from reacting. Hiashi's eyes registered something at the boy's action, but he said nothing about it. "There can be no reason for your flagrant disregard and unprovoked assault on my clan's land."

"Unprovoked? No, not unprovoked," Naruto said. "Why, I think it's all because of this!" Naruto grabbed Haku by the wrist and dragged her close to him. She still had her eyes closed, face pointed shamefully at the ground. "Your clan touched something of mine, and I want something in return."

"…what are you saying, Uzumaki?" Hiashi's voice surrendered nothing, but it was clear that there was something he wasn't saying.

"This." Naruto twirled Haku around and pulled down her yukata, revealing her naked backside.

Hiashi made as if to angrily shout out at the disgraceful spectacle, but all vitality drained from his face at what he saw. His lavender eyes widened, and his heart nearly skipped a beat.

The manji symbol was inscribed into Haku's back, disclosing to all her chained status. Naruto bared his teeth.

"Someone put their dirty hands on her, so I'm going to put my hands on one of yours."

Hiashi collected himself. "How do you know this was done by a Hyuuga? It could have been falsified, duplicated. A trick to throw suspicion on my clan." Though he himself knew that the possibility was very slim. Very few outside of the Hyuuga even knew of the caged-bird seal's existence, let alone what it looked like.

"They had the Byakugan, they used the Jyuuken to capture her, and I know this is the caged-bird seal. I've had personal experience and intimate knowledge with its structure and creation." Naruto lips curled back as the corner of Hiashi's eye twitched almost invisibly. "Do not try to palm a card on me, Hiashi-dono. I am not in the mood for it."

Hiashi grit his teeth. Someone had gone behind his back; someone had been dealing below the table. This was not a fake; through his eyes that cut through any illusion, he could see it as the very truth. Hiashi already knew who the instigator was, but he could not prove it nor could he admit it. His role as the main family was to never admit that something had been done without his awareness or permission. It would paint him as weak, careless, inept.

Worthless to rule.

And if that was true, then why was he head of the main family?

What had he sacrificed his blood for?

No, he could not admit his critical 'flaw'; he would have to accept that the blame was his own and deal with the punishment. But he would make sure the true perpetrator would never again dare to think that they could do as they please without considering the consequences of their actions. Hiashi swore it.

Hiashi's lips tightened. "What would you suggest?"

Naruto's eyes narrowed to half-lidded. "Clan law says that what is done to a fellow clan must also be done to the offender. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." He raised a finger. "You owe me a life to rule, Hiashi-dono."

Hiashi nodded. "Very well, I will find an appropriate-"

"No, not one of the branch. You don't have the grace of choosing who you believe is worthy or not to shoulder the blame. That is mine." The finger became a dagger that threatened to pierce the Hyuuga's heart. "I want your daughter, Hiashi-dono. I want the next heir to the Hyuuga throne."

Something shattered. Hiashi visibly twitched that time. Quickly, his mind raced through the options he had left to him. Naruto wanted a daughter. He never said which one. Hiashi knew he would probably never forgive himself for what he was about to do, that his wife would never speak to him again if she was somehow resurrected. But he had to do what was best for the clan; he had to do what was right for everyone, and not for himself. He could not surrender the Hyuuga's one hope for prosperity to be kept under constant strife and threat of death from one child – especially one as mentally unbalanced as the blonde.

Hiashi had to make a choice, of which neither option was right, and he hated himself for it.

"Very well, allow me to retrieve my daughter."

He signaled for someone, and soon afterward Hinata was brought into the chamber. She was pale and fidgety, wringing her hands together till they were raw. Hiashi watched her, watched as she watched them with wide, disbelieving eyes. He told her what she had been summoned for, and her eyes grew wider, became darker, and eventually became blank.

She stood there like a doll, her strings cut, abandoned by her puppeteer. There was no anger in her eyes, no sadness or hatred; just a hollow resignation, a sense of detachment from the world in that this was how life was, and how it would always be.

Something shattered again.

She walked to Naruto. He smiled softly. "Hi, Hinata-chan."

"Hello, Naruto-san," she said woodenly. Her milky eyes were like silt on the bottom of a river.

"Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit," he murmured soothingly. He took both her hands and leaned over to whisper something into her ear. Something flashed through her face and her eyes finally, really looked back at him, like she was seeing him for the first time. Her mouth opened, but he placed a finger on it to silence her. "Now, are you sure?"

She hesitated and then dreamily nodded. He smiled again, tender and accepting. "Then here we go."

Hinata's hands began to shine. They grew so bright that everyone in the room was forced to look away for a moment when it reached its peak. When it was possible to look again, a black mark had placed itself onto the back of both of her hands – a spiral that started in the very center and spread outward to the sides.

Hiashi scowled lightly. "Now, are you satisfied?"

Naruto gently pushed Hinata's hands back at her and turned to face the patriarch. "Of course not."

"What…?"

"You lied to me, Hiashi-dono."

"I-"

"I said I wanted the heir to your throne, yet you gave me the forsaken lamb." His eyes glinted. "To be honest, I was expecting more from you, but I guess that belief was misplaced."

"It does not matter," Hiashi growled. "I gave you your price – a life for a life. You cannot try to extort more from me."

"Ah, but that's where the problem lies, Hiashi-dono." Naruto grinned in the most gruesome fashion imaginable. For a split-second, in Hiashi's eyes, it was like the Kyuubi itself had descended upon him, eying his very soul for the scales, and finding him perfectly acceptable. "What you gave me was not a life for a life, but a death for a death." He touched the back of Hinata's hand, and she looked at him. He winked and lifted her hand to face her father. "What you expected was for me to place your daughter in a cage that would inevitably end in death. But that is farthest from the truth."

He ran a finger across the spiral. "What I have put here is not a date of execution, but an administration for life. This seal does not kill, but changes. Your daughter will not die, but your beloved Jyuuken just might. All it would take is to completely destroy the tenketsu points that exist here, and she would never be able to perform your family taijutsu again." He lowered Hinata's hand. "But it will not kill her. It will simply make her choose another path in life, one that does not intersect with the Hyuuga's."

Hiashi looked at him, really looked at him; not with the Byakugan, but looked at him all the same. "…what are you trying to say?"

"Your clan put the caged-bird seal on my sister. But it was not in attempt to kill her. No, it was in attempt to control me through her." Naruto shook his head. "And I will not accept that." He turned around and placed a single hand on Haku's back. It glowed blue. The manji changed.

A segmented block was now in its place.

Hiashi had to force himself not let his jaw go slack. "You…you…"

"I changed the manipulator. Now only I control myself. And as for the previous one…" He snapped his fingers.

Zabuza vanished from view and reappeared again near a side wall, his sword drawn and slammed on the ground. The bisected wall came crashing down, revealing Hikaru and the other Hyuuga elders who had clearly been listening in on the whole debacle but were now shivering in unbound fear as Zabuza loomed over them, his eyes burning with the desire to maim and consume.

Naruto smiled grimly. "And that is that…but there is still one last thing to do."

"…what?"

"You still have your price to pay."

"I gave you my daughter!"

"You gave me the wrong daughter."

"You've already put the seal on her!"

"At her own volition. I didn't force her. I asked. Which means our exchange has yet to be concluded."

Hiashi's head snapped to Hinata, who refused to meet his eyes. Sometime during the conflict she had slipped behind Naruto and was using his body as a shield, hiding like she always did. Hiashi's eyes were forced to meet Naruto's while the boy crooned in the sweetest and most poisonous tone he had ever, and would ever, experience.

"Come now, Hiashi-dono. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and your precious daughter…"

Moonlight was swallowed by the darkness.

"All for me."


The inner rooms of Naruto's apartment building blazed with artificial light through the midnight gloom. Raucous laughter bounced about inside the designated dining hall as the smell of freshly-brewed coffee and sharp alcohol danced through the air.

"Oh man, did ya see their faces?"

"I think one of them pissed their pants!"

"It was quite enjoyable."

"But please don't make us do something like that ever again."

"Ara, I found it to be very cathartic."

Zabuza slammed down the bottle of sake on the table, his teeth bared wildly like some monstrous beast. "I have to admit it, Naru-gaki, I never thought you'd bullshit your way through an entire gambit like that. Was there even a moment when you didn't feel like you weren't in totally over your head?"

"I tend not to let such things bother me. If I did, I doubt I'd live so happily knowing my whole life is a precariously-balanced charade." Naruto toasted his mug of espresso. "To living fast and then dying in a fiery explosion that will most likely cause the end of the world!"

"Here, here!" The entire room shouted.

Naruto chuckled and downed half of the powerful brew, his eyes watering as the scalding bitterness tried to flay the roof of his mouth and back of his throat to ribbons. "But seriously, how in the nine hells did you manage to actually find those old farts? I was just getting into it! I didn't actually expect for them to be there!"

"Kid, I'm a master of the art of silent killing," Zabuza said, laying a bandaged hand on the blonde's shoulder. "I could hear a fly fart at fifty meters. Those geezers were breathing loud enough to wake the dead."

Naruto grinned victoriously. "And Meizu-niichan, Gouzu-niichan, you guys have adapted to your new weapons so well! It was like you've had them all your lives!"

Meizu leaned back in his chair. "They're pretty damned intuitive as it is. A toddler could use these."

Gouzu took a sip of sake. "But we're also the best there is." He coughed when Zabuza leveled an absolutely fascinated look at him. "Next to you, boss."

Naruto leaned over and grabbed Haku's arm, rubbing his cheek against hers, causing her to giggle joyfully at his cat-like actions. "But really, I'm soo~oo sorry I had to mar your perfect skin, Haku-neechan! But if I didn't make it seem almost perfectly identical, they would have suspected something!" He hugged her closely, bawling. "Really! I really, really mean it! It'll go away eventually, honest!"

"It's okay, Naruto-kun," she said. Haku picked up the still-thawing remains of the food from that evening. Naruto had offhandedly mentioned to her the blessed art of food-fighting in one of his frequent rants, but she never thought they would be so effective when combined with her Hyouton. She frowned suddenly and flicked it in the corner, where it collided with one of the two bound figures groaning in their sleep. "But honestly, to think that they would try to plant that on me! The nerve!"

Meizu hiccupped, a surprising lightweight. "So, what do you plan to do with them? Those old farts will realize something is up if those two never show back up."

"Well, I do have an unofficial degree in biochemistry (or something close enough) so I can probably drug them up enough so that they thought they were the ones to do so," he absently considered. "Or something like that."

Naruto shook his head. "But that's not important! I've got something even better to show you!"

Zabuza snorted. "Better than flipping the bird to a clan known across all the elemental countries?"

"Yup!"

"Oh, I have got to see this."

Naruto grinned. "Yes you do…"

He pulled out a metal collar from his duster.

"Everyone, there's a dear, dear person I want to introduce you to…"


A/N: Eighth written and done! And that's for coming back to Konoha! Yay! And also yay for causing what will probably be a Konoha diplomatic crisis! As you can see, Naruto is not just smart when it comes to inventions, he also has a degree in legalese and [BLEEP]ing with people. And to all those that think he's too smart; Sarutobi had a large part in this, too. A large, large part…also Ibiki. Not many people on Sarutobi/Naruto's side like Danzou, so it's easy for there to be SOME bias. Anyway…

As for Naruto's flagrant insult to the Hyuuga clan as a whole…Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT accept this as something right. What Naruto did was insolent and horrible, even if he might have the right intentions (and I'm not saying he does). I wanted a chance to show the darker side of Naruto, and the depths he'd sink to gain control over people. As if that wasn't enough, I've finally made it clear about his mental status – NARUTO IS INSANE. He's not pretending, or acting like that to catch attention; he is legally and clinically off his rocker. Hopefully people who saw what disorders I gave him will look back and see what I meant.

On a lighter matter…I'm on TVTropes! In the Naruto fanfic recommendation section! Whoo! Onward and upward…or downward and sideways…or, you know what, never mind. Let's just go.

Also, check out my profile for some awesome fanart! Thanks to the people who sent it in, and more people send even more in! Naruto has minions now! Time for some group photos! C'mon! Doooooo iiiiiiitttt…!

Next Chapter – How to Train Your Self-Learning Robotic Fox-Dog


Omake!

Chronicles of the King's Creepers

They didn't quite understand what their purpose in life was. Now that their supreme creator was no longer around, there was no clear-cut reason to keep moving. Maybe they were just supposed to exist for the sake of existing?

Regardless, they had dug out a niche amongst Wave, and would continue to exist for as many cycles as possible. They liked Wave. Wave treated them kindly, if perhaps a bit too much like slaves. Without the huge array of cameras and microphones, most of them, excluding the few 'true' hauna, were demoted from a useful surveillance device and acted more like a basic runner of errands. Then again, they were fine with that, too.

It was better not to worry. The 'true' hauna helped them all out. They searched out better parts and so their numbers increased! And it wasn't like they weren't all equal.

They were one after all!

But maybe it did creep out Wave a little bit that their numbers increased without any real reason…

But they were sure master would praise them for it! After all, he built them to be fruitful and multiply!

And protect Wave, of course.

Betty was always going on about rising above the shadowed masses and crowning themselves the king of their land, but no one really listened to him anyway. Betty just liked to talk and, forgetting a few times when he refused to do his work, got along just as well with Wave as they did. Besides, Wave already had a king, one that was loved by all and who even had Wave's bridge named after him.

…they missed master.

On the way to deliver a letter, one slipped off the beaten path and fell into a drainage ditch near the water. Years of erosion finally won out, and they fell through into a dank corridor. Facing them was a giant, metallic door, outlined in large, red letters. A broken warning light was on the side.

They twitched. Lightning sparked from them and struck the door. The light spun and lit up the tiniest bit.

But this was not their mission, so they left.

They were sure it wasn't of very much importance anyway.


The Birds and the Cuttlefish

"Let me go damn it! I have to kill her!"

"Jeez, calm down, Sasuke-kun."

"Dobe…!"

Sasuke struggled against his bonds, but found himself expertly tied to the single metal chair in the middle of the empty room, Naruto its only other inhabitant. The blonde was the only thing keeping him from hunting down and obliterating the serpentine slut that defiled his mother!

He lived for nothing else!

Somewhere in the back of his mind, a voice tried to remind him of Itachi and the horrific deeds he-

Screw Itachi! Must! Kill! Snake! Woman!

"Really, Sasuke-kun, you have to let it go. Don't you realize just what a wonderful thing this is?"

"Dobe, I swear I'll…"

"Your mom has someone to love again! Isn't that grand?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Well," Naruto started. "You see, when a woman and another woman, either of which may have latent S&M tendencies or a fondness for roleplay, love each other very much…"

Sasuke's struggling slowed down. He began to blush.

Naruto brought in the projector.

Sasuke's face paled considerably.

Naruto brought in examples of tools used.

Sasuke turned green.

Naruto got technical.

Sasuke passed out.

"Aww…" Naruto whined, holding an object that seemed like it would cause considerable discomfort if inserted in a certain orifice, though a casual observer would not know which one. "Already? We haven't even gotten to the use of heavy machinery yet…"

It was that day that Sasuke truly lost his innocence.