Things are – things are actually really bad.
Matsuda is trying not to think about this head-on. You can consider the situation by sort of walking round it, but if he's not careful he starts thinking about what if and then none of the possibilities look good –
Mello found out about everything and so did Ide and Ide was more angry than Matsuda's ever seen him. So Matsuda's got to, got to make sure they pretend it never happened. But Raito will be furious if he finds out they're doing this. And Raito is furious with Matsuda anyway because of giving away information. And Mello is furious with him for killing Near. It's. It is really bad –
Stop. Stop it, you've got to stay calm.
He's doing a pretty good job of staying calm in front of Ide. And... and Ide understands now, he understands they've got to be... sensible. He was angry but he isn't angry now. He's – okay, he's pretty tired out and stressed from the whole getting-kidnapped thing – he's slumped to rest his head on his hands and Matsuda can feel his ribs barely moving because his breathing's so shallow – but that makes sense. Anyone would be stressed.
He rubs Ide's back and Ide glances quickly round at him and there's that odd look for a second in his face, that look like Matsuda is a stranger whom he doesn't much like, before he stares at the ground instead and mutters, "Guess he was right. I am pretty shaken up. It's –" and he shudders, grips one hand with the other.
"Sure," Matsuda says. "Sure, it makes sense you would be."
"I'm fine really," Ide says, even though he's still trembling a little. "I'm fine. Just have to... let it pass. I'm sorry about this." He sounds truculent more than anything else. "I know this is ridiculous."
"No, it's okay. Really." Matsuda's about to carry on, After all, you've been through a lot but he can feel the tripwire in that conversation, that Ide will yell at him And whose fault was that? and –
Look, Matsuda answers in his head, look, what else could I do? I wasn't going to let you die –
And he hears Ide saying, Right, you let me get taken prisoner instead and beaten on until I gave in, that's hardly any better –
Matsuda digs his teeth into his lower lip until he's stopped thinking like that. It's fine now. Ide's okay with it. He – he gets why it had to... the reason he was upset was, it was because Matsuda was with Raito, Ide thought that meant...
Oh, god, oh god who is he trying to fool, this is crazy, he's not even tricking himself and Raito is way smarter than him –
No. Okay. No. He can't start freaking out as well. He has to keep a cool head. He isn't doing anything wrong, after all. He talked Ide into seeing sense. That's good. Why does Raito even need to know about stuff that's not important?
Except this is important...
And when Raito already hates you for screwing up so badly yesterday – do something else you know he won't like, that will fix everything – you're such an idiot –
But he can't not. He can't. Ide should – by rights Ide should be dead. Even though he just... lost it because he was surprised, it'll look really bad. They can't risk it.
It's time to go see Raito. He'd much rather go back to bed and sleep and sleep and never wake up but that's childish and it's only going to make him look more stupid. So he gets to his feet and tries to smile at Ide like everything's going to be fine and then he makes his way to the main room. Knocks. Waits. Raito's come in doesn't sound any less irritated.
Matsuda takes a deep breath and walks inside. Raito is on the phone. He glances at Matsuda, nods, goes on with the conversation. It's kind of like when Matsuda was at school and had to present his dad with evidence of bad grades. Waiting with your hands going all dry and telling yourself you're fine, you're calm, you're taking deep breaths, but feeling sicker and sicker underneath.
Raito hangs up, eventually, and turns to look at him.
"All right," he says. "I don't want to hear another round of pointless excuses. I hope you understand why I'm so displeased with the way you handled things yesterday –" Matsuda is already nodding but Raito doesn't pause, just carries on, "The important thing is work out Mello's next move. Tell me again what happened and exactly what you told him. And Ide."
Matsuda nods, starts in on it again. It's actually a relief just to focus on getting every detail in. The Eyes. The judgements. Near. It's going to be fine. "And then Mello said he – he wanted to think about what to do next, so he went away. And so…"
It's fine. You can do this. You're not doing anything bad. Under his ribs it's a bruise of tension.
"Ide wanted to… to know how it had happened. Like… you know, he was pretty curious about us being… like that. He wanted to know how long and… and stuff."
Raito doesn't answer, he just keeps gazing at Matsuda like it's so obvious there's more to be said. Maybe he already knows, has guessed that Matsuda's lying. And if he has, Matsuda will never be able to come back from it. He will lose Raito forever. Oh, god, what is he doing...
"I told him about how you and I… uh… how we started being… together." His voice is croaky. "And how I found out about – about Kira. And why – why I – why we had to, to stop the SPK and Near. Like that if they caught me I'd just give in and tell them everything."
He remembers to take a breath. "And how with Ide and the others, why we… did it the way we did. Like that I didn't want them to... Then Mello came back in and he was just starting to say something when we heard the Kira people arriving."
Raito nods.
"And what did Ide say to all that?" he asks.
Matsuda realises he's clenching his teeth. I can't tell. I can't. If he can just get through this last bit then it will be over and he can forget about all the yelling and he can start showing Raito how much he wants to make up for his mistakes.
"He was… he was upset but mostly about us – you and me – you and me being together. I think he was – he was kind of jealous but he didn't realise that he was, you know?" And that's basically true, Ide even admitted it later. "And then, and he was pretty freaked out about me, you know, using the notebook. 'Cause it's me. And he hadn't known about that, either."
"You'd think," Raito says, his eyes narrowing a little, "if he really meant what he said about his support for Kira, he'd be pleased to hear that you're in such a powerful position."
Matsuda feels like he's just swallowed an ice cube. His thoughts are whiting out but he hears someone with his voice carrying on, "Well… you know Ide. He doesn't… think like that. That kind of… networking." Don't think about how dumb you sound. Don't think about Raito finding out. Just tell him the stuff you can tell. "And… and I think he felt stupid, that there was all this stuff he hadn't known about. It wasn't… it wasn't about being on sides. It was just he'd… he thought I, you know, liked him, and if I was with you it meant that I'd been lying about it. Last night I tried to tell him it wasn't like that. I… I said to him that I like… being with him. I mean as long as you're all right with it."
His heart's pounding so loudly he can hardly hear his own words.
"Let's hope that's all it is," Raito says at last. "I'm trusting you, Matsuda."
Matsuda feels himself nod, say that he understands. The words are a skin-thin layer over the fear. Raito has pretty much just said that he knows Matsuda could be lying. Pretty much said that he'll be really, really angry if that's the case. And Matsuda is just standing here pretending that everything's fine.
But Raito is getting to his feet now. "Don't go out of the house. I've got security on standby in case Mello does try to get to you. Which he might well, now he knows your part in Near's death. If he does, you are to give him no more information, do you understand? Obviously if you can see his face that would be ideal, though I doubt he'll let you. Still. Make sure you're armed at all times, as well. If you're given any opportunity to kill him, take it."
Matsuda is nodding and nodding and trying not to think of what will likely happen if he and Mello come face to face.
"Raito..." he begins, and he actually nearly does blurt out something as dumb as Please don't hate me. He wants to walk over to Raito, touch his arm or something, make it all feel better, but Raito is already walking to the door, only pausing to hand him a folder: "Here are yesterday's judgements and some pages. I've locked your notebook away with mine. And burn the pages after you've used them. If Mello gets his hands on them, we're both dead."
"Sure," Matsuda is saying to an empty room. "Right. I've got it."
Everything's quiet.
He works through the judgements on autopilot. The dust has settled and he's said what he needed to say and now everything will be fine. He just needs to start actually believing this and then he won't feel so scared.
He's watching the notebook pages crumbling from flame into brittle blackness in the ashtray when the phone rings. Maybe it'll be a message to take, or some information to act on. A distraction.
"Yagami's office," he's saying, "Matsuda speaking," and the person on the other end of the line says, "Great, I wanted to talk to you."
Matsuda almost drops the phone.
"I thought we should have a chat," Mello says. He sounds almost bored again. "Pretty interesting day yesterday, wasn't it?"
No. No, this can't be happening, he can't – I can't –
Oh, god, he's got to stay calm –
He manages to take a breath – it feels like he doesn't have room for any more – and then wrench out one word, another: "I… don't... I don't care what you want to say, I –"
"Doesn't bother me," Mello says, cutting in easily like everything's fine, like he's got all the time in the world. "Some people might say after you've got Near and my best mate killed, the least you deserve is an earful from me, you know? It was you they were tracking to find us, wasn't it? They would've been keeping tabs on the location of Kira's Eyes? I should've... well. Doesn't matter now."
Best mate – right, the other guy who helped kidnap them. Matsuda doesn't think he noticed much about him. Someone quiet in a ski mask who'd said something about video games.
"I…" he begins, and his voice is drying up already, but, "I don't care. You all… knew what you were risking..."
"Yeah? Did Ide?"
Matsuda wants to yell at Mello to shut up but he's not so stupid he doesn't know that will only show that this has got to him. Think – the call will be recorded and traced because every call on this line is, and maybe Mello will say something that Raito can make sense of, if Matsuda just lets him talk...
"Yes," he says, trying to sound calm and cold, like Raito would. "Ide knew – Ide knew it was dangerous. We all did." Mello sighs, almost a laugh, and Matsuda hastily changes it to, "They all did," and wishes he could kid himself Mello hasn't noticed.
"Right. He didn't sound that happy about you bringing the danger right to him, though."
"He was surprised," Matsuda says, trying to sound like he knows it all, like Mello's misunderstood. "So he freaked out – " Shit, shit, he shouldn't have said it like that. He can't change it now, though, that'll only make it more obvious –
"That's one way of putting it," Mello says. "Basically, he reacted instinctively and forgot that you've got his life in your hands, didn't he? He must've been kicking himself after. Rookie error. He is still alive, right? "
"I don't know what you mean," Matsuda says, and thinks about Raito listening to this and – it's all lost, isn't it? He tried so hard just now and it's all going to fall apart –
"Of course you don't." Mello sounds bored now. "Oh, well. I'm guessing he's not dead yet, otherwise you'd be falling to bits even more than you already are. Figures… I reckon even he's smart enough to know the right words to smooth things over. Has he told you he gets it? That he only tried to smash your face in because you weren't his one and only?"
Matsuda's feeling so sick he can't speak. He shouldn't have even attempted this. He should've hung up right away. Except probably Mello would've just called back later and said it all to Raito instead.
"You do know he hates your guts now?" Mello says. "I mean, I think he's got a reason to. You've ruined his life and, you know, murdered hundreds and hundreds of people. He might have told you something else after Kira found you but most people are pretty cool with saying what they have to when it's keeping them alive."
No, Matsuda thinks, digging his teeth into his lower lip. You're wrong. You don't know half as much as you think you do. Ide's not able to lie that much. Ide was angry but he couldn't be just looking at Matsuda and hating him and then acting like he doesn't. He doesn't pretend – he gets grumpy and says the wrong thing – Matsuda couldn't make him change that –
"I reckon Kira knows it too," Mello says. "Judging by how sure Ide was he was going to be killed once Kira knew he'd talked to me. So everyone's playing along to keep you happy. Lucky you."
Matsuda can't just stand here and listen. Talking's not going to help but if he just stands and listens like he believes it all then he'll just fall to bits right here.
"Are you trying to get him killed?" he snaps. "Is this, like, you're angry about – about Near and so you're going to get someone that I – that's important to me killed in return?" God, what if Mello just says Yes –
"Oh, please. Like I need to work to get you two killed. You're both dead men walking, just don't know it yet." A snort. "Well. No. I think Ide's worked it out."
Matsuda's pretty sure if he were smarter he'd be able to figure out what the hint here is, but he isn't, and he's not going to just – go along with Mello's stupid sarcastic comments and pretend it's so clever.
"Right, so you're going to kill me," he says, trying to sound bored, trying not to notice how his voice is shaking. "Whatever. I get it –"
There's silence for a moment as if Mello is genuinely surprised, and then: "What… no. God. You really are an idiot, aren't you? Kira's going to kill you as soon as you become too much of a liability. Or when he finds another lovesick moron."
Which is just the kind of thing Mello would say, and Matsuda's beginning, "Yeah, right –" but Mello is carrying on, "What makes you think he wouldn't? He kills everyone else if it'll help make his glorious new world."
"He doesn't need to kill me," Matsuda says. Okay, he kind of shouts it. "Why'd he want to kill me? I'm on his side. I'm helping him –"
"You didn't help him much yesterday. And you're hanging around whining and bitching about how he can't kill the task force, who're the only people who know how he gets his power. I'd kill you, if I were him."
"He –" and Matsuda's started speaking before he even knows what he'll say because the words will come to counteract something this ridiculous –
"He loves you?"
And Matsuda doesn't think he was going to say that, and so he stumbles to a halt, but he doesn't know what he should say.
"He doesn't give a shit about you," Mello says. "Like, most people, when someone they love gets kidnapped by the same psycho who led the Mafia and killed their father, they'd be a little bit worried. You know. Hell, most people when it's someone they don't actively loathe, they'd be a little bit worried. Like how you and Ide both folded when you thought I was going to go after the other one of you. Has Kira told you how scared he was for you? Is he grateful you survived and didn't get your fingernails torn out? He said how he'd die before he lost you?"
Matsuda's suddenly itching all over with irritation, of all things. Like, why are they even talking like this? Why is it Mello's business? Why does he get to talk like he knows everything anyway? It's not – he doesn't – this is stupid –
Even if it would've been nice if someone had said to him, Wow, it was rough what happened to you, are you all right –
"Why? Do you want me to – to prove it to you?" he's snapping into the phone before he can think what else to say.
"Well, yeah, kind of. I mean, to me – and to Ide as well, judging by what he said – it sounds like you got fucking played from the start."
That horrible sinking feeling that's kind of like finding out there's a test where you're hopelessly unprepared and everyone else has known for ages. Matsuda feels like he's been waiting for this for years, someone pointing out that Raito doesn't love him because why would he?
"I mean…" Mello is carrying on, "he feeds you this sob story about how devastated he is over the first L dying. So the two of you can bond over that. He sets you up to be the only one who understands him, who sees the real him, so you've kind of committed to being the one who accepts him whatever he turns out to've done. When you catch him out as Kira, he starts making it into a choice between killing him there and then, or switching sides. Upping the stakes for you, you know? Oh, and then saying he needs help, he needs someone to be a hero, and waiting for you to take the bait… he'd know you were itching to step into that role."
A breath like he's shifting position slightly. "And now you've changed sides and given half your life away and blah blah blah. Sounds like you got played to me. By the way, if you love someone, generally you don't encourage them to halve the amount of time they'll be alive. You sort of want to keep them not dead for as long as possible."
Matsuda is feeling sick and scraped raw and he doesn't even know why. That's not – that's not what happened. Mello and Ide, they weren't there, they didn't see. They didn't see that it was real and Raito was as frightened as Matsuda was and Matsuda offered to take the Eyes and – and they think it's so unlikely someone like Raito could give a damn about someone like Matsuda but he does, Matsuda is positive –
Mello laughs in his ear and Matsuda actually wishes they were face to face because he wants to kill him.
"Guess you didn't care much about your best friend, then," he hisses. "When you invited him to come along on your stupid kidnapping stunt –"
For a moment there is silence on the other end of the phone and Matsuda should feel good about actually scoring a point but he's just terrified.
"Better hope Kira kills you soon," Mello says at last, voice dark. "It'll be a quicker way to go than I'll give you."
And then there's just dial tone.
Matsuda stands there holding the phone and trying to remember how to breathe. It feels like he stands there for hours before the realisation hits him. Never mind the stupid, stupid stuff about Raito having never cared. Never mind about the death threat. Mello has just spelt out exactly how much Matsuda has lied about Ide. As soon as Raito hears the recording, he'll –
He'll –
Matsuda is thinking maybe I can just erase it and then wants to shake himself for being so stupid, like, how is covering up the cover-up going to make things any better? He doesn't even think he could get rid of the evidence without Raito being able to recover it – these are Raito's systems – and then he'd be caught lying and hiding evidence as well and everything would be even worse –
But as soon as Raito hears it –
He thinks of Ide trying to keep it together on his own, trying to pretend everything's all right, and – he'd know what was happening. He'd know and he'd know it was because of me and he would hate me so much –
It wasn't meant to be like this –
Behind him, the door opens.
"The system just received a call from an unknown number," Raito says. "And that was rather a long discussion for a cold-caller trying to sell you something. Was it him, Matsuda?"
Matsuda can't even turn to look at him, but Raito has already crossed the room. Glances back at him. "I'm assuming that it was, given how upset you look. Matsuda, the more you let him get to you, the more power he has. Can you please try and stand up to him, at least a little?"
He's playing back the recording. Mello's voice sounds unreal; a nightmare voice. Matsuda's own sounds wobbly and stupid.
Raito listens and then stands in silence for a few moments.
"I see," he says, at last, and his voice is quiet and calm and Matsuda tries to tell himself that everything is all right but Raito carries on, "So, you lied to me about Ide's reactions to the truth yesterday."
Matsuda feels like he's been hit in the stomach even though he knew this was coming. He swallows. Tries to say something. Nothing comes to mind.
"Ide freaked out," Raito says. "He reacted instinctively. And then he remembered the game he's playing, and said the right words to us to smooth things over. Is that what happened, Matsuda?"
The silence is so taut it feels like it's about to rip in half. Matsuda swallows again and manages to say, "No," because what else can he say? "No. No, he… he was upset about us… and about me using the notebook. That's… that's all…"
Raito is very close to him and Raito's hands are gripping his shoulders, nails digging in, and Raito is saying slowly and coldly, "How dare you. How dare you stand there and keep lying to my face? Do you really think I'm that stupid?"
Matsuda is trying to shake his head and he's trying to speak but the words aren't lining up properly and his thoughts are all screaming stupid stupid stupid. The world jolts as Raito shakes him – his teeth rattle – and then the other man's voice, closer now, right next to Matsuda's ear: "Stop it. I don't want to hear excuses and I definitely don't want to hear lies. You're going to tell me the truth and you're going to do it now."
When Raito talks like this you know that you're going to do what he says, because that's what happens when he gives orders. Which means that Matsuda will tell him everything and Ide will die. I. I promised. The floor is lurching and he finds himself sinking to the floor, on his knees. Raito has let him fall, half-kneels with him, holding him by the arms. Stopping complete collapse. Matsuda is clutching him in return like there's further to fall, his sweaty fingers tangled in Raito's jacket.
"Why are you so frightened?" Raito is saying, mouth close to Matsuda's face. "You know that I'll protect you. You know you're mine, you'll always be mine, no matter what you do. There's nothing to be scared of, Matsuda, I promise…"
Matsuda is scrambling desperately at the words, they're exactly what he wants to hear, they are true, there is nothing to be frightened of, everything is going to be all right –
Except that he can hear he's pretending to himself. He's telling himself all this and underneath it all he knows that he can get Ide killed in seconds if he says the wrong thing. The right thing.
"Is it the other things Mello said?" Raito murmurs. "His pathetic attempts to try and create conflict between us? Don't tell me you actually believe his… creative take on the facts."
"But –" Anything not to talk about Ide, and the only thing more frightening than challenging Raito on this is wondering for ever more if Mello was right. "But everything he said, it… it could've happened that way. If you were like that. If you didn't… if you didn't…"
Raito goes still. Eventually, his hands slide away from Matsuda's arms.
"Do you think I am?" he says at last.
"I… no, I just…"
"Because it certainly sounds as though you believe I'm that cold-blooded." Raito's voice is clipped – he glances away, at the floor. "I'm sorry if you regret our – our involvement. As you pointed out to Mello, you insisted on taking the Eyes. I begged you not to, if you remember. I said I didn't want you to be the one to make that sacrifice. But if – if you don't believe me, of course –"
"No. I do. I do believe you," Matsuda is stammering, and he doesn't know whether that's true or not but he does know that he doesn't want to hurt Raito, he doesn't want to argue with Raito, he doesn't want to see everything wrecked because he said the wrong thing in a panic –
"God forbid I'm preoccupied with catching the man who murdered my father and destroyed my sister's life," Raito says, and his voice is tighter now. "Yes, I was angry with you, and that was childish of me. If I'd kept control of myself, I would have been able to – to tell you I wasn't happy with what you'd done while still demonstrating how grateful I was that you were all right. I'm sorry. You know – you know more than anyone else I'm not perfect – I thought you'd forgiven me for it –"
This is the version of Raito that Matsuda's sure hardly anyone else ever sees. The version who hates so much to fail, who's so angry at himself for making mistakes, who can't see that he's closer to perfect than most humans will get in a lifetime. He's feeling sick and scared, still terrified that this is it, that everything will fall apart in seconds, but there's an odd, sad gratitude there too, that he understands this, that it proves Mello was just messing with his head…
"I have, I… I mean I… I mean there's nothing to forgive. I mean… I'm the one who should be sorry, Raito, you know that. I just, he just said, and I always knew no one would understand why you'd want to be with me of all people…" His voice is shaking a little but Raito has pulled him into a hug, is holding him close and whispering, "It's all right, it's all right, Matsuda, let's stop thinking about it… there's nothing either of us need to be sorry for…"
His mouth is on Matsuda's and Matsuda feels the fear tip over into want. He's kissing back, probably too much, too messily, but Raito just smiles under his mouth and lets him, bites at his lip, his throat, and then they're half-lying on the floor instead of kneeling facing each other and Matsuda has pretty much forgotten where they even are when Raito pulls back a little, breathing quickly: "Matsuda… Matsuda, I don't want to… to ask this but… you have to tell me what Ide said. You can't… you can't keep something that important back…"
Matsuda has never felt so desperate to keep making out rather than answer questions. He even half-leans in again like he thinks Raito will just let it drop, but Raito pulls back again, stares at him clear-eyed and calm: "Matsuda. Tell me."
Matsuda closes his eyes a second. I can do this. Raito and Ide have both forgiven him so if he can only convince each of them that the other doesn't mean them harm…
Yeah, only, like it's that easy.
Maybe if he starts with the things that are kind-of covered up but not really so bad, that'll be enough. Maybe – maybe he's being crazy. Raito won't just kill Ide just like that. He knows Matsuda would be – would be really unhappy.
"He was. He was upset. About the… the killing. He was really… he hated that it was me doing it."
Raito nods. "What else?"
"He was angry I'd lied. He was angry, he… he thought I'd had it like him, getting… getting it bad until I… until I said I'd… support Kira. He thought it was… and then he found out I'd helped… helped you and… also I told him I'd thought I could convince him. He didn't… he thought that meant I'd… I'd only pretended… like I'd only started doing stuff with him to change his mind. I tried to tell him, last night, I tried to tell him it wasn't like that."
He's trying to think of stuff that he can safely admit but all he can think of suddenly is Ide yelling at him How could you be so stupid and you fell for that and it's still killing. He tries to keep his gaze on Raito's, to look like he's got nothing else to hide, but he can feel the blood draining from his face at the thought of Raito not buying it – Raito pushing him to tell everything – and Raito can, that's the worst bit, Raito can do anything and Matsuda can't even beg him not to without giving Ide away just by that…
"Mostly he just... he was just angry I'd lied to him. He said it. He said I trusted you and you lied."
Raito sits back on his heels. Nods. Matsuda tries to keep his breathing steady and waits for the next question.
"Mostly?" Raito says.
Matsuda's stomach twists and he so nearly blurts it all out, no, he hates you, he hates the killing, he said he's one of the ones who's against Kira, he couldn't understand why I'd done any of it. He tells himself that's just as much a lie, that Mello would put it that way but there's no reason for Matsuda to. That it wasn't like he said straight out Ide, are you just putting this on so as not to die? and got a Yes in response and so – and so –
"He doesn't… he doesn't like the killing. I mean, he… he understands about… he understands why it has to happen but it still feels bad. To him. I mean, he's pretty set in his ways and he's spent his whole life believing in… in something different."
Raito nods again and keeps looking at him like there's more to say. Matsuda bites his tongue. There is nothing more to say. Raito might think there is but… but he just admitted he's not perfect, he just admitted Matsuda's opinion is important to him, and so Matsuda's not doing anything wrong by – by just describing things from his own perspective.
"I knew you wouldn't like it," he says, as if it doesn't even occur to him that there's more information to offer. "He knew, too. So… so he didn't want me to tell and… and I didn't want to let him down."
"You're right, I don't like it," Raito says, and he is reaching out, taking Matsuda's hand, entwining their fingers. "It makes him dangerous. Perhaps it is all you've said – jealousy and habit – but it still means that when he's under pressure, he reverts to his old beliefs. He knows that you and I control the judgements. He knows how we do it. He knows about shinigami and the Eyes and who we are as people, our families, our lives… If he decides he wants to turn against Kira, he's incredibly well-placed to do so. And that's a problem."
A gentle tug at Matsuda's hand. "I don't want to see my new world suffering because of him, and I don't want to see you suffering, either. I worry about how emotionally invested the two of you seem to be in each other. I'd thought you were simply colleagues, nothing more. I mean, his bond has always been with Aizawa, who's never – been particularly patient with you, has he?"
Matsuda waits to see if he's finished talking. He always tries really hard not to leap in and blurt out something dumb in the middle of Raito laying out some amazing theory: Raito looks at him almost in disbelief when that happens. But now the other man is staring at him, expectant, curious, and so Matsuda says, "He understands. I know he understands. If, if you said that to him, he'd get it, too. I mean, I mean…" Ide will kill him for saying this but if it's that or death – "I mean he's staying in the house right now, you could keep him doing that, he's not going to go looking for the notebooks so if he doesn't see other people much then, then it's fine, right?"
His voice sounds shrill and desperate even to his own ears, and Raito looks pityingly at him.
"I'm not going to kill him, Matsuda," he says. "I can see he's important to you, so he's important to me as well. But I will have to discuss this with him, perhaps ask him to make some difficult choices. I can't take the risk, do you understand?"
I'm not going to kill him.
Matsuda is nodding and shaking so much he can hardly say, "Thank you, thank you, I understand, yes, but he'll be sensible, he understands too, thank you…" and Raito smiles, amused, like Matsuda puzzles him but in a good way. Squeezes his hand. "It's all right. Now, stop worrying about it and think about something else. Perhaps go and let Ide know that we've had this conversation. I'll get on with some work here. If Mello calls, he can talk to me."
Matsuda nods and scrambles to his feet. He wants to run, like a child – he's not sure if he's scared or ecstatic but it's difficult to just walk down the corridor like a normal person. He bursts into the room without knocking and there's a clatter as Ide scrambles backwards and knocks the bedside lamp onto the floor. He stares at Matsuda, breathing quickly, and then seems actually to see him.
"Sorry," he mutters. "You – made me jump. That's all."
He ducks down to pick up the lamp and Matsuda sees him take a deep, shuddering breath, grit his teeth, like you do when you're angry with yourself, or upset.
"I'm sorry, Ide, I forgot you –"
"I said you just made me jump, all right?" Ide almost yells it. "Nothing to – it's fine. What did you want? What… what's Raito doing?"
Matsuda forces himself to speak quietly. "He's working. Look, earlier… earlier Mello called." Ide's eyes widen, and Matsuda carries on, trying to sound calm, "I spoke to him. He was trying to… mess with my head, but it wasn't… it wasn't a big deal. But he did talk about how you were… pretty upset yesterday."
Ide goes so white it's like he's bleeding to death there and then. Matsuda has hurried across to him, clutched his hands before he can think.
"It's okay," he says. "Listen, it's all okay. I told Raito what you told me, about feeling weird about, you know, me and him being together. And I said that you didn't like the killing just 'cause it's killing and you're a good person and it's hard for you to –" Ide's fingers are digging into his hands and so he hastily finishes, "He said he understood and he wasn't angry. He wasn't going to kill you."
"Oh." Ide's voice cracks a little, like he's about to laugh. "Oh. Good."
"I'm serious. He said it to me, he said he knew how important you – you are to me. I mean, he said he was going to talk to you about it –" He feels Ide tense up again – "But just, just so he can understand. You're all right. You're safe. It's all right."
Ide doesn't look like he even hears, but Matsuda knows he is listening. Before, when he was getting better after he changed sides, often Matsuda thought he wasn't listening at all and then he'd come back to something later like it had been a perfectly normal conversation.
"Raito said I could stay with you now, if you wanted," he says. "I mean, if you don't…" He's going to say don't prefer to be alone, but that's stupid: these days Ide hates being alone in a room waiting. That's probably why he's so nervy as well. Matsuda wants to kick himself for forgetting.
After a few moments, Ide swallows, and asks, "What did Mello say to you?" The words rattled out as if he had to nerve himself up to them.
Matsuda doesn't want to remember the conversation. He shrugs. "Stupid stuff. Doesn't matter."
"Of course it damn well matters," Ide snaps, and Matsuda jumps at the anger in his voice – "If he's up to something there's no way it won't come back to bite us – that's the way it's always been, let's face it – we'll get caught in the crossfire – we'll –" He has to stop to take a breath and Matsuda jumps on the chance to interrupt. This isn't good. Ide's almost as – as stressed out as he was before, when he was still being kept downstairs, when –
"He asked if you were still alive. He thought maybe I'd told Raito that you were upset, or that you'd still been mad and... and got yourself killed..." Ide tenses, Matsuda feels his hands trying to curl into fists, but he pretends he hasn't noticed. "He said you were... you were angry about... about what I'd done. That you... that you hated me." His voice is getting louder. He hadn't realised how much he didn't want to say it out loud. "Even though you don't."
"No," Ide says, and Matsuda wished he sounds more like he meant it. "I don't." There's other stuff being said underneath but Matsuda's not going to try and work it out. He lets go of Ide's hands so he can shrug, run his hands through his hair like all of this is no big deal.
"He said that and he went on about how Raito hated me too. You know. Like he's so evil and totally tricked me into – into taking the Eyes and I was an idiot. It was... it was all pretty obvious, really. Then he basically said he was going to kill me and hung up on me."
Ide glances at him, then down at the floor.
"Right," is all he says.
"It's... it doesn't matter. I mean he hates my guts because I... because I got some of his friends killed. That's... it's not like I care what he thinks of me."
"You think he's going to target you? Or – or me?"
"Doesn't matter if he tries to. It's not like he can do much, not now there's just him."
Matsuda thinks that's not a particularly dumb thing to say but Ide doesn't answer and this silence opens up between them like Matsuda's done something wrong.
"I..." he says at last, and swallows, "Look, if you want me to leave you alone, I can do that. I mean you're probably tired out from all that's happened, and I know you didn't sleep so well. I can come back later if you want."
"You've had a better offer?" Ide says, and it's just about one of the most spiteful things Matsuda's ever heard him say, and he just says it like he doesn't know how careful he has to be. Matsuda stares at him and he's this close to losing it and yelling and door-slamming: you don't know how hard I just had to work to keep you safe – you don't know – I could have got you killed but I didn't and you could stop acting like I'm happy to let you die –
Ide is already slumping, rubbing a hand across his face: "Forget it. That was stupid. I'm... you're right. I'm exhausted. No, I... I don't want you to leave. Just... forget I said anything. Just... please..." He's shaking again and Matsuda is thinking again of how ill he looks but also kind of grateful that at least he himself isn't the one falling to pieces.
