Author's Note: Completely unrelated to the topic of this story, if anyone is interested, the Measure of Tyranny questionnaire complete with Lord Vetinari's answers post-spell is now available on my profile page.
Oh...and thanks for reviews and stuff. Much appreciated!"You tied me to the bed with the cord from your dressing gown!" shouted Downey.
"I had to; you kept holding the pillow over my face!" Ludorum screamed back. "I don't know why you're so upset anyway! I untied you this morning, didn't I?"
"Yes, but I still had to hear you snoring all night!"
"For the last time: I don't snore!"
"Yes, you do!"
"He's right," said Havelock with a smile as he entered the dining room. "You snore quite loudly."
Ludorum whirled around to face him, his eyes narrowed. "Oh you could hear it over all the screaming coming from your room, could you?"
Havelock stared at him blankly. "Yes, I could."
"What is all this noise?" Rust said as he stomped into the room. "All I could hear last night was you two shouting, and now this? What's going on? You're acting as bad as the locals."
Downey took a deep breath. "Ludo and I were having a disagreement, we're sorry for waking you."
"Hmmph. Well, if you two are quite finished, let's sit down and have some breakfast, if we can find anything edible on the plate. Who cooked it anyway?"
"I did, thur."
"Really?" Rust picked up his fork and poked at his food suspiciously. "What do you call this?"
"Thcrambled eggth and thauthageth, thur."
"Hmm, if you say so. Now Vetinari…" He noticed Igor still standing beside him and swatted at the servant with his hand. "Go away, you dreadful creature. Now Vetinari, what's all this Cyril was telling me about Lady Margolotta being a bloodsucker?"
"It's true," said Ludorum. "We went downstairs to have a look around yesterday and she's got a mausoleum and a coffin and everything."
Havelock sighed. "Yes, she's a vampire and no, she won't hurt any of us, she's agreed not to."
"She agreed? Just like that?"
"Yes."
Rust shook his head in disbelief. "So you just accept the word of this vampire that she won't hurt any of us? What if she was lying? You should've told me as soon as you found out, Vetinari, instead of avoiding me all day yesterday."
"I wasn't avoiding you, Rust," lied Havelock. "Our paths just didn't cross; it is a big castle."
Rust stared at him coldly. "Cyril also told me that you were heard having relations with her."
"Well, that's true," muttered Ludorum.
Havelock returned Rust's stare with one of his own. "I fail to see how it is any of your business."
"It is my business, Vetinari, because in case you have forgotten, I'm your chaperone on this trip. Not only is it a breach of etiquette to behave in this way but she's a vampire." His lip curled briefly. "No, I simply forbid it."
"What?"
"I forbid you to see her in that way any more. Just because you don't have any family left to shame doesn't mean that you can act as you please."
Havelock smiled. "Actually it does; as you so eloquently put it, I have no immediate family left in the city to dishonour and unless you're willing to physically restrain me, I'll do whatever I want." He stood up and pushed his chair back into place beneath the table. "If any of you have a problem with that then you know where the castle doors are; I'm sure you'll be fine despite the fact that you have no carriage and the werewolves will probably still be after you. Now if you will excuse me, gentlemen, I'll be in the library. Oh, and do relay my little message to Cyril when he wakes up, won't you?"
"He's mad," said Downey, after Havelock had left the room. "He's completely and utterly mad."
"I agree," Rust nodded. "I know Vetinari's always been somewhat strange but to actually have a relationship with a vampire?"
"What if she bites him?" asked Ludorum, picking up his knife and fork.
"Oh I'm sure we'll notice any bite marks on his neck."
"There are other places to bite him than his neck," said Ludorum darkly. Downey shivered.
"Good morning, gentlemen," said Cyril as he sat down next to Rust. "What're we talking about?"
"Vetinari and the vampire."
"Oh," Cyril frowned. "Can't we just go? She did say she'd give us another carriage if we wanted one, we could leave him here."
"Yes she did," said Downey. "But as much as I hate to admit it, I think Vetinari may be right about the werewolves; there was one sitting in the outskirts of the forest all day yesterday, just looking at the castle."
Rust snorted. "Don't be ridiculous, Downey, it was probably just a normal wolf."
"Go and have a look out the window then."
With an impatient sigh Rust got up and crossed over to one of the large windows that lined the walls of the dining room. He peered out in the direction of the forest.
"See anything?"
Rust stomped back to the table and sat down heavily. "Yes, there's one there now. So we're stuck here." He frowned for a second then suddenly his face brightened. "We could fight our way ou--"
"No!"
Lady Margolotta closed her eyes and took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on the motions of the carriage.
"Nervous?"
She opened them again. "Yes," she turned to Havelock. "Are you sure I'm ready to do this? I was up all day vorrying about this; I didn't get a vink of sleep."
Havelock smiled at her reassuringly. "You'll be fine. Honestly, there's nothing to worry about."
"But vot if I make a mistake?"
"You won't."
The carriage reached its destination and silently came to a halt. Margolotta looked at Havelock, her eyes wide with panic. "Oh gods, how's my hair?"
Havelock chuckled. "Your hair is fine, your dress is fine; you look beautiful." He gave her a kiss. "Remember what I told you last night and you'll be okay. Now off you go."
She hesitated briefly then opened the door to the carriage and stepped out. She took another deep breath and fixed a bright smile on her face before approaching one of the guards standing by the entrance.
"My name is Lady Margolotta von Ubervald. I'm here to see the Low King."
…"When they see that your request for an audience with him was genuine and that you've actually shown up, they'll be surprised, and that will give you a slight advantage. They'll be polite but wary, so be sure not to take any delays to be an insult. When they take you down to the audience chamber, they will make you wait, for a number of reasons; firstly it may take some time to get the Low King ready to see you, and secondly they will be testing your intentions towards this meeting. Wait no longer than ten minutes; any less will give the impression that you see yourself as superior to them and any longer will make it look as you're grovelling."…
Margolotta counted the seconds down in her head. …Five…four…three…two…one… She cleared her throat loudly, making the dwarf who had silently escorted her down to the anteroom look up suddenly. "I find it surprising that the Low King vould vish to insult me by making me vait so long."
Her guard, she found it hard to think of him otherwise, rattled off a stream of staccato dwarfish to one standing by the doorway to the audience chamber. He disappeared briefly then came out again accompanied by someone concealed in the apparel of the deep-down dwarfs.
"Lady Margolotta, allow me to welcome you to Schmaltzberg; my name is Dee, I am the Low King's jar'ahk'haga. We apologise about the wait but there was some pressing business that his majesty has had to attend to. If you would come with me please."
…"The Low King will treat you initially with a mixture of suspicion and indifference, again do not take this as an insult, even if he, aha, insults you; this is just a continuation of the test."
"You vant me to just stand there and let him insult me?"
"Or you can sit, whatever suits you." He'd grinned then and she'd slapped him lightly on the chest. "Ouch. By all means pick him up on any insults and maybe get in a few of your own but always make it seem friendly and stop if he seems angry; you don't want it to turn into a slanging match."…
"Your majesty." Margolotta curtseyed briefly. "Thank you for seeing me on such short notice."
The Low King shifted slightly in his chair and fixed her with an appraising stare. "No thanks required, my lady, I only accepted it out of curiosity; it's not every day I get a message from a vampire requesting an audience. Especially when it's from a vampire who's been known to murder my subjects." He waved a hand in the direction of the four dwarfs surrounding him, who'd trained crossbows on her almost as soon as he'd entered the room. "Forgive the guards but I don't trust you."
"I completely understand, your majesty; my past behaviour tovards your people has been reprehensible. But that is vhy I am here today, I vish for there to be peace between us."
"Really? And what would this peace entail exactly?"
"I vill promise not to harm any of your subjects in any vay if you promise that they will act accordingly. In addition I vill protect any of your subjects on my lands from attack by the Baron and his family."
"Ah, and therein lies your real motivation, my lady. I thought as much; you want us to protect you from the doggies."
…"He'll already have some idea of why you're there, so don't try to hide it, but don't come out and say it either. Let him feel superior for a moment before reminding him of the benefits to him of entering this accord but don't place too much of an emphasis on them; you want him to think he's agreeing to this of his own free will."…
"A degree of co-operation vill be required with regards to them, your majesty, and vith both of our resources pooled together I have no doubt--"
"What makes you think we think we can't deal with them ourselves?" snapped the king.
"I never suggested that you couldn't," Margolotta answered smoothly. "I merely thought that after that business in the mine at Grazk that you might be open to the offer of some…assistance."
The dwarf gave her a blank look and she saw Dee bend down and whisper something in his ear; a sad expression came over the elderly dwarf's face. "Ah, yes. We never did find the bodies…" He suddenly gave her a sharp look. "What makes you so sure that it was the Baron? It could've been you."
"Doubtful, your majesty; even if it had been me I vould not have taken every member of the several families that I've heard used to vork there."
"I suppose so; very well, I shall consider your proposal." The dwarf turned to face Dee who was now handing him some papers. "If you would excuse me, my lady, I have a great deal of work to do."
…"Even if nothing tangible comes of the meeting, it will prove useful as you'll have shown the Low King that you can at least appear reasonable. The longer you're down there, the better; that'll mean that he's listening to you and the longer he listens, the higher his estimation of you. Plus, the knowledge that you've visited with the Low King for any length of time longer than it would take for you to be chased out of the place will worry the werewolves considerably."…
Havelock sighed and leaned back against the side of the carriage. Margolotta had been gone for ages; while that probably meant things were going well down there he couldn't help but feel impatient to know what'd happened. He shifted uneasily as a owl hooted somewhere nearby; as much as he hated to admit, he was nervous about being left alone out here, even the guards at the entrance had gone inside. He would've felt a lot happier if he had something silver on him, but hadn't been able to find anything in the castle that would do. A branch snapped to his left and he whirled round suddenly, coming face to face with a young blonde woman.
She smoothed out the folds in her rather rumpled green dress and gave him a pleasant smile. "Hello."
"Hello."
"What are you doing?"
Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes, he noticed. "Just waiting for a friend," he replied in a nonchalant tone. "She won't be long."
"You friend is visiting the dwarfs?"
"Yes, she has a meeting with the Low King." He heard a rustle from the outskirts of the forest, the rest of the werewolves must be trying to circle around. "You know, you look rather familiar; have we met before?"
He could've sworn her teeth lengthened slightly at the question. "That's funny; I was just wondering the same thing."
He heard the entrance to the dwarf mines open and tried not to breathe a sigh of relief. He turned to face Margolotta as she walked up to him. "How did the meeting go?"
She kissed him on the cheek. "Very vell indeed. Oh hello, Serafine, I didn't notice you there."
Serafine smiled unpleasantly. "Hello, Margolotta. I see your new pet has been teaching you some tricks; going to the dwarfs for help? What a human idea."
Margolotta smiled back. "Vot makes you think I vas going to them for help? I vas merely saying hello, it's been such a long time since I saw the Low King." The smile disappeared. "Then I came out here to see you bothering my friend."
There was a threat barely concealed there and they all knew it; Serafine laughed breezily. "I wasn't bothering him, Margolotta, I was just saying hello myself."
"You'll have to excuse Serafine, my dear, she's only been out of finishing school for six months and she's forgotten her manners already." Margolotta sighed. "Havelock, meet Baroness Serafine von Ubervald; Serafine, this is Lord Havelock Vetinari."
The werewolf flinched slightly, and then a look of realisation flooded her features. "Oh yes, Sybil's little friend. She was so excited someone was taking her to that dance, and now here you are, spending time with a vampire." She laughed again, although this time it had a malicious edge to it. "The poor deluded fool."
"Vell, it's been fun, but ve really have to go," said Margolotta in a brittle voice. "Shall ve go, Lord Vetinari?"
As the carriage pulled away Havelock heard Serafine call out. "Goodbye, Havelock; we'll be seeing you soon…"
Margolotta grimaced. "Awful voman, isn't she? She came up here about four months ago to marry the Baron and she's been nothing but a pain ever since." She shivered. "I dread to think vot the children will be like."
Havelock nodded. "Frightful, probably. I do find myself rather fixated on her use the word 'pet' though," he raised an eyebrow. "Care to elaborate?"
"Serafine is something of a snob; she thinks that ve're naturally superior to humans."
"Do you share her views?"
Margolotta smiled. "I don't think I'm better than you."
"That didn't answer my question."
She sighed and looked out the window. "I know; but it's the only answer I'm going to give you."
They rode the rest of the way home in silence.
